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2 different dads..different names for my kids.

(16 Posts)
rcc92 Wed 17-Dec-14 10:04:06

Hi, I am newly pregnant possibly only 2+ weeks I feel fantastic and really positive about new baby (which was planned) but I have just came down from the excitement and am starting to wonder how this will effect my DS who is 4: he is a typical only child and we are extremely close his father and I separated when he was about 18mnths probably due to having our DS so young and unprepared. After meeting new partner we clicked instantly and have now just found out were pregnant. I am extremely worried about how my DS will react he loves new baby father but I don't want him to feel as though he is not part of the family. Will he see new baby differently when he understands they will have different fathers and different names...

stubbornstains Wed 17-Dec-14 10:11:05

Congratulations! I'm wondering about this myself, since I'm 16 weeks pg, and I have a DS who is nearly 5, who doesn't see his dad at all.

One thought, though.....why do your DC need to have different names? If you're not married, isn't it best for them both to have your surname?

iwantaginsoakedXmas Wed 17-Dec-14 10:14:35

I gave my DS my surname when he was born - as his DF didn't want to marry me.

I don't see why the DC take the father's surname?

It's up to you to make DS feel part of the familyunit. I imagine that he doesn't feel separate from you, your DP and the new baby. It might be that you are overthinking it. In the nicest possible way fsmile

Me and my DB have a different father to our younger DSis - and we never felt like we weren't all part of the same family - names and different fathers aside.

lemisscared Wed 17-Dec-14 10:16:01

Why do they have to have different names? my children are by two separate fathers, they both have MY name. much to the consternation of MIL but i don't give a shit

rcc92 Wed 17-Dec-14 10:23:11

Thanks for your comment. This was my first post grin. Yes your point makes sense and perhaps if I could go back in time I would most certainly give my DS my name.! He does have a relationship with his father and fathers side of the family, and I think at the time my reasoning was that it would give his father a feeling of security and involvement ( as we weren't married) but of course I never expected to have children with anyone else and now I feel like if I don't give this child fathers name then it would be as though I was taking away that right??? Maybe that's silly but even if I give my maiden name to baby I can't change my DS name at 4.. My maiden name is not so important to me I will always keep it but I don't feel the need that most men do of having to pass it on. My main worry is how my DS will see this new baby and whether it will effect their relationship...

Congratulations to you smile what do you think you will do?

Librarina Wed 17-Dec-14 11:09:46

I think a new baby arriving is a worry for any family, regardless of whether both kids have the same dad or not. Your eldest is still quite little so I'd focus on preparing him for the new baby's arrival and not so much on the 'Dad' part.
I'm using some nice books with my little girl to get her ready for our new baby.
www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1841210684/ref=s9_simh_gw_p14_d1_i4?pf_rd_m=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_r=0F0WK7E9E0EM0853C6HN&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=455344027&pf_rd_i=468294

and

www.amazon.co.uk/Its-Quacking-Time-Martin-Waddell/dp/0744598613/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1418814566&sr=1-1&keywords=quacking+time

Squtternutbaush Wed 17-Dec-14 11:20:06

I have 3 siblings and 3 fathers. The youngest have asked about different names/fathers but its never caused any issue.

We don't consider ourselves "half" siblings either, we are brothers and sisters regardless of paternity so I wouldn't worry about that.

Just keep doing what you're doing at the moment and include your son as much as possible, my DS loved watching the Bounty videos of what the baby is doing/looks like in the womb each week and let him "see" the baby (okay it wasn't our baby but he didn't know that grin) and relate to it along with feeling kicks etc.

rcc92 Wed 17-Dec-14 11:52:08

Thanks everyone perhaps this had just been a case of overthinking. Also love the books they will be a definite purchase! Xx

puddock Wed 17-Dec-14 12:02:18

Just to say that you absolutely can change your DS1's surname at 4 to yours if you want to. If his dad has PR he would need to agree www.familylives.org.uk/advice/divorce-and-separation/your-children/how-to-change-your-child-s-surname/ but wanting your children to have the same surname seems like a good reason (assuming you plan to give the new baby your own surname too). You can always keep DS1's dad's surname as an extra middle name, that's what a friend of mine did.

Number3cometome Wed 17-Dec-14 12:07:55

It's not that easy to change the surname if your ex doesn't agree.
Being as your child is only 4, he will have parental responsibility with you IF he was present when you registered the baby.

I have the same issue, my 11 year old (born before Dec 2003) does not fall under my ex's parental responsibility, by my daughter (born after this date) does!

I want to change their surnames to a double barrel version of mine and my ex's but he says he does not give permission (despite only seeing them once since May and not paying a penny!)

I am pregnant with DC3 (new partner) and want us all to have a common name (being my surname)

It's a nightmare!

FaithLoveandGrace Wed 17-Dec-14 12:17:47

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I think you're over thinking it tbh. My stepson has his father's (my DP) surname and when his mum had another baby a few months back (DSS was 4 and a half) baby was given his dad's name. Even though they've both got different surnames DSS doesn't seem to feel any less a part of the family. I think the attitudes towards the children (i.e. your partner treating them both the same) can have a far bigger impact than their surnames smile

stubbornstains Wed 17-Dec-14 13:33:48

Was that me you were asking what I was going to do OP?

Erm....muddle along blush. We have a slightly different situation, in that DS's dad has nothing to do with him (he did ask if DS was going to have his surname, even if we weren't together, but I told him where to go).

DS and DP love each other and have a really strong bond; my chief worry is the "Daddy" word. DS already tries to call DP Daddy, but we don't let him....but of course the new baby will! I think DP will have to officially become a "stepdaddy", so that DS doesn't feel left out.

stubbornstains Wed 17-Dec-14 13:35:14

I'm glad you reminded me about books- at last, an excuse to buy "Mummy laid an egg!". It's ace....

Mammanat222 Wed 17-Dec-14 14:52:02

The child has already had his fathers surname for 4 years now? Bit late to change it?

rcc92 Wed 17-Dec-14 16:36:58

I have a doubled barrelled surname already so couldn't have both. . My father was never around but my mother was always completely honest about how and why. I think what I will have to do is just have them grow to understand that all their parents love them and that they have eachother and that's what's important. At the min I have good relationship with DS dad and wouldn't want to stir the pot also my DP had lost 2 children to hydrops fetalis in a previous relationship he is delighted with our pregnancy and I feel like changing the names would be in some way a devastating blow. Thanks for all your comments and views I think I have come to a decision and am happy with it. X

Singleandproud Wed 17-Dec-14 16:48:24

Could you double barrel your maiden name with your DP for the new baby and then do the same with your DS with his father, as you'll be adding your name it won't be taking anything away from his dad.
This is what my Ex and I did, we knew we weren't going to be together but wanted DD to feel part of both families. For example if her name was Smith-Jones she's 5 she knows I and my family are the Smith Family today, Daddies family are the Jones and she and her Teddies are the Smith-Jones'

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