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grandparents- need some impartial advice(13 Posts)
Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable here and how you would tackle the situation- I'm pg with DC1 and v lucky to have a loving supportive DH but last wk we were talking about GPs and DH remarked "this baby is so lucky, it will have three grandads". He is estranged from his father, hasn't seen him since he was five and MIL has had a string of different BFs over the years the latest of which has been around about 5 years. DH and his siblings are also still close with another BF who was around when they were kids. They are both lovely people and I'm delighted that they will play a big role in our childs life but they are not its GPs. Basically, DH would like the baby to call them both grandad and I'm not keen (He does not call either of them dad btw). He feels v strongly about this and we've argued a couple of times now. I'm also worried that calling them grandad will upset my dad, the babys real grandfather who will play a much bigger role in this baby's life than the other two. what would you do? Sorry for the long post!
It's your DH's baby too and he should be allowed to say what he wants as far as his family goes. Maybe have different names for each one?
Granddad, grandpa, Gramps?
Or Granddad "name"?
I had a Pops and a Granddad.
Congrats on your pregnancy. It must all be going well if you're only worrying about to calls the GPs! I can see both sides. I would decide first and foremost what you want the actual grandparents to be called (you do this by asking them how they want to be known), then perhaps choose an alternative "Grandad" name for the other two. Eg Gramps Alan/Grampy Dave/ Pops. It's helpful for kids to have a name to call someone and I don't see any harm in it.
When I was pg with dc1 my dad announced that my stepmother would be called Nanny. I did not get on with her very well and like you felt that she wasn't a 'real' grandparent and worried it would upset my mum. I knew that saying no would cause a big thing with my dad and I really stressed about it.
I decided to outwardly agree but actually refer to her by name... it will be about 2 years before the baby starts talking i reasoned. In the event, once my son was born my step mother was a doting relative which utterly softened me and i started calling her nanny. It takes nothing away from my mum and my son loves her- its true that a child can't have too many loving adults around.
Although it feels like a big deal now it's not worth falling out about it- youcan agree to wait and see what role these men end up playing in your child's life before labelling them. You might be pleasantly surprised - or dh might be disappointed.
Have you asked your dad how he'd feel? He might not be at all bothered about there being three grandads. If he is then let him choose a title first and then ask "DH's role models" how they'd like to be known.
I only had one set of grandparents growing up, my mother wasn't with my dad and he didn't stick around (not even sure his family knew about me) my point is though that the more living people in your baby's life who. Are about him and are willing to be there for baby and play any part at all in baby's life the better. It really doesn't matter if they are known as grandad, grandpa, pops, etc... as other have said and your father shouldn't be offended that others what to be part of his grandchild life, it takes nothing away from him no matter what they are referred to as. Personally I'm not a fan of saying someone is a "real" grandparent/aunt/uncle and therefore they are more important because it doesnt always work out that way.
All fair points, thank you everyone. I completely agree, the more loving people in this childs life the better. I suppose having a chat with the GPs and asking what they would like to be called is a good start, then we can go from there...
I think its the fact that DH decided this without asking how I would feel and seems to have told his family they would be called grandad (or similar) even though I asked if we can talk about it first that upset me. Just feel like I've got no say in the matter really
It's his side of the family so ultimately I think it's up to him who is called what around the baby. I think it's great to have more grandparents, surely this can only be a good thing for your little one. And just because they are not his 'real' dad they are no less important than yours. They're his side of the family as your dad is your side.
Families are funny things these days, no such thing as the 1950s core family anymore. My step dad will never be a dad to me because we first met when I was an adult, but I am very fond of him. He's called Bob and our babies will call him Grand Bobs... The name just sort of evolved and felt right. I think my own Dad might have been put out if he was called Grandad , but I know it wouldn't have bothered him if my OH had a step dad and we refered to him as Grandad as well.
I find it hard to believe your Dad would be upset by the prospect, but like someone else said, just simply ask him what his thoughts are and take it from there.
I personally thing a special but differentiating name would solve the entire problem, like gramps, pops, ...something cosy but not 'Grandad'.
My children call my dh step dad Grandad ( he also doesn't call him Dad) & he very much deserves the title of Grandad he absolutely idolises my kids and will do anything at all for them and my children equally idolise him back (in fact he's probably their favourite person ). The title of Grandad is earned not automatically assumed by blood. I wouldn't let yourself get too worried about it your child won't understand about blood relation they'll simply love whoever shows them the love time & affection that grandparents give.
Grandbobs is a fantastic name scenicroute I might have to pinch that!
My kids call their grandmas husband, grandad. With our first dp wasnt happy about it and told his mum that as he said it was wrong and insulting to his actual dad who is their 'real' grandad. But it stuck anyway and 6 year on from having our first and a further 2 children, they all call him grandad and quite rightly so as dps real dad isnt bothered at all and quite frankily doesnt deserve the title grandad. Hes seen my youngest whos 16 months nil times and my middle child about twice in almost 4 year. He never buys them birthday cards or anything, dp will even say now his step dad is a much better grandad then his dad could ever be and he genuinely adores our kids. Same with my grandad too hes my step grandad but to me hes my real one hes been there for me all my life. So what im saying is if your dp thinks they can step in and be a big part of your babys life then let him choose, as mentioned above more loving people in your babys life is a bonus x
I think you need to agree on a name for them which you are both comfortable with, otherwise you risk getting annoyed every time they are mentioned.
My in-laws insist on referring to their friends as 'Aunty/Uncle So-and-so' in-front of my children. This drives me mad. They are no blood relation whatsoever, plus my children have lots of (real) aunts and uncles already. I know that this is the norm for some, and that my in-laws are doing it to emphasise how much their friends care about my children (which is obviously lovely), but I really struggle with it.
I've spoken about to to DH but he doesn't see the problem, and every single time I hear it, I have to bite my tongue really really hard.
So just make sure you're happy with the names given: they'll be used for a long time!
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