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Advice needed on annoucement

(14 Posts)
beno57 Fri 12-Dec-14 10:15:37

Hi all

My first post but I'd really appreciate your thoughts. I'm 33, currently 11+1 with my 1st and I've just had a scan and everything looks great. 12 week scan is booked before Christmas so we had been planning on telling family when we see them at Christmas and making a bit of a fuss about it.

However last night my sister in law told me that she has had a MMC picked up at her 12 week scan on Wednesday. She was having an operation last night.

I feel very upset as I know how much they want a 3rd child and we are a close family. It definitely no longer feels right to make a big announcement on Christmas when they will still be coming to terms with their own loss. So I think we are just going to tell members of the family over the phone next week (we live far away). My key question is when do I tell my brother and sister in law? will next week be too soon?

If all had gone to plan we would have been due within a week of each other so I expect my pregnancy will be very hard on them and I'm not sure how to manage it over the next 6 months.

If anyone has had similar experience I would love to hear how you managed it.


rebelfor Fri 12-Dec-14 10:39:31

I think you should tell your brother next week, personally.
If the rest of the family will be finding out then, it is better so that your news isn't kept 'a secret'.

I was pregnant at the same time as my sister, first child for both of us, due around the same time.

Unfortunately my sister lost her baby at 20 weeks, and the 'guilt' I felt at my burgeoning bump for the rest of my pregnancy was horrific, although she carried on being excited for me (probably an act, in hindsight).

The photo of my sister holding my baby in hospital causes a massive lump in my throat even now, years later.

CallingAllEngels Fri 12-Dec-14 10:58:16

In this situation I would have preferred to receive a personal email or text. Nothing like having to plaster on a smile for someone else when you just want to burst into tears. With an email or text you can digest it and respond in your own time - no chance to do that with a phone call/skype/face to face meeting.

beno57 Fri 12-Dec-14 10:58:30

thank you rebel for your experience. I think I will feel exactly the same.

TheScenicRoute Fri 12-Dec-14 11:06:51

DONT tell them!!! Let them have as much of a Christmas as they can under the circumstances. It's not going to be better in a week, it's a bereavement. Sadly it will never be better, but why not wait until you start showing and can't hide it. Having been TTC for 4&1/2 years I can assure you that I would have appreciated to know in private (phone call/ letter/ etc) and been given a few days to get angry, cry and slowly accept the news before having to see you. Leave it as long as you can before you HaVE to tell her.

ToriB34 Fri 12-Dec-14 11:09:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams Fri 12-Dec-14 11:11:56

Tell your brother when you've had the scan. Let him tell his wife in private. Then tell family.

GetMe Fri 12-Dec-14 11:15:39

I really feel for you, it's such a difficult situation and so lovely you are being so caring and thoughtful about what to do.

I'm not sure what to suggest as waiting a few weeks would be nice but with it being Christmas it's complicated and I understand you want to share your news. I think you should tell them first (and when they are alone and not with family for Christmas so they can digest it) whatever you do though, they will appreciate that.

Congratulations on you PG as well, you have a right to celebrate it too but I know you have to be sensitive x

andadietcoke Fri 12-Dec-14 11:21:31

My DH told me about our friend's pregnancy on 23rd December. I was so furious at him for not realising how hurt I'd be, and for telling me before Christmas. However, for me that year the new year was important to me, and in retrospect I'm very glad he told me before Christmas as we went on holiday on the 27th and is calmed down a bit by then, and also I could start the year with a clean slate. It hurt throughout her pregnancy, knowing I would be at the same stage, and it was made worse as Kate Middleton was due at the same time, but you get through it.

3littlebadgers Fri 12-Dec-14 11:35:46

I would tell them before you tell anyone else. And I agree with doing via email, or text so they can react how they genuinely need to without feeling bad about it later. Something along the lines of... I am so sorry you are going through this at the moment, it is so unfair and I know how much you wanted your beautiful dc3. I wanted to tell you in person, but out of respect for your grief I thought it best to do it this way, so that you can absorb the news in your own time. I am 11+1 weeks pregnant we were waiting for he 12 week scan to make the announcement. I have not told anyone yet and wanted to tell you both first. I understand, our due date being so close to yours that this may be extremely hard for you. Please don't feel like you have to rush into being pleased for us, take as much time as you need, we understand love you...
Good luck

babyblabber Fri 12-Dec-14 11:54:16

Fantastic suggestion by 3badgers above.

I would tell them asap in a text or a call to your brother to let them digest it. Then tell family next week. You are entitled to be excited for your news and can do that at the same time as being conscious of their feelings.

beno57 Fri 12-Dec-14 11:58:20

thank you everyone, all brilliant advice and so helpful to have others insight. I'm going to tell my mum tonight as she lives close to my brother so she will know how they are coping and whether to hang fire a few days or not. But I will definitely tell them by email so they don't have to be happy until they are ready to be. I think my SiL had guessed when I saw them in November so she is probably expecting it...but it will still be hard for them and I want to be respectful of their grieving.

TheScenicRoute Fri 12-Dec-14 12:10:36

I think 3 badgers idea is lovely, email is a must, but please wait until after Christmas day (or if you have family celebrations planned wait until after those special days as well). What diet coke said is certainly pause for thought, maybe before new year is a good idea, however if she's planning a big boozy night out on new year, I'd be reluctant to ruin that for her. Very difficult, good luck.

Heels99 Fri 12-Dec-14 12:18:02

I disagree, don't think you should tell them before Xmas, there is no need. Have the scan, do Xmas then tell people afterwards. Agree with telling them first though but can't see value in telling them you are pg and have a scan booked etc, allow them at least a couple of weeks to deal with their sad news. Put their needs first. Hope your own scan goes well.

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