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So scared, don't know if I regret it now

(8 Posts)
amandalk91 Thu 04-Dec-14 23:23:17

I'm sorry my heads a bit of a mess today. I had my 12 week scan the other day and it made everything so real. I've just got my dream job, start on Monday and my mum isn't helping at all being very blunt about the fact I'm "pregnant now and need to get over it". And made me realise I'd have to not work for a while afterwards because child care costs so much that it wouldn't make sense to work just to pay for it. I really thought I wanted this but now I'm just so scared. My other half is always worrying about things anyway before I even started to have doubts so there's no point me talking to him cos he'll just agree with me rather than reassure me. I don't know what to do anymore I thought I'd be so happy but I'm just filled with dread

coastergirl Fri 05-Dec-14 00:11:36

This probably isn't that helpful, but I just wanted to say you're not alone in feeling like this.

My husband and I were considering starting a family in about a year, but then a change in my work took away one of the reasons to wait. I was upset, and it was kind of spur-of-the-moment. We did it once without protection, when it should have been waaaaay too late in my cycle, and I ended up pregnant. I should be happy but I'm terrified, and suffering from severe anxiety and depression.

I'm here if you need to talk to someone else who feels like they should be ecstatic but just...isn't.

amandalk91 Fri 05-Dec-14 00:17:42

Sorry you feel like that coastergirl, good to know I'm not alone though. It's weird isn't it, I reckon the fact I fell pregnant the first time we tried didn't help either. I was the one telling my other half that it could take ages until we actually fell pregnant to get him on board with the idea, but now it's actually happened so quickly I'm really scared. I didn't actually think about how much would change I've been really niave. We both really wanted kids but now I feel like I've just rushed into it. I'm not feeling too ecstatic about it all either anymore

Peaceloveandbiscuits Fri 05-Dec-14 00:37:28

I spent nine months trying to conceive, and I still had anxiety and regret once it had all sunk in and been confirmed as healthy etc. When I got to 23 weeks I started thinking about a termination, simply because it was my last chance to change my mind! I think it's very natural to have these feelings - it's a huge life-changing thing. It doesn't make you "ungrateful" (something I struggled with) or a bad person. I'm almost 37 weeks now and still scared I've made a mistake, but trying to be practical and be as prepared as I can be to make it easy on myself!
You'll be fine.

coastergirl Fri 05-Dec-14 02:24:35

I think the guilt is huge. We have friends who are struggling to have kids: one couple who have had several miscarriages and another who have had two ectopics and now their only option is IVF. The fact that it happened so quickly for us and now I'm terrified...it just makes me feel so guilty. It should be one of them with the easy, straight-forward pregnancy!

I do think that the speed of it happening contributes to this. If you're testing every month and getting impatient, it must make you want it more. I don't know. My head is messed up.

Meirasa Fri 05-Dec-14 06:53:07

I have my dream job and I will be working just to pay for childcare, travel etc but my husband and I decided that the baby wouldn't be a baby forever and that working was something I loved and the social aspect it very important so maybe keeping it up would be better then giving it up even though the monetary benefits right now aren't great for the next few years. In the long term my career wouldn't recover if I was to give up now so it makes sense not to give up.

pebblepots Fri 05-Dec-14 07:08:58

What Meirasa said with regard to work. If its your dream job you don't need to quit. You could also apply for part time hours. And also its the responsibility of you and your partner to cover childcare costs. It doesn't just have to come out of your salary you know smile

WorryWurta Fri 05-Dec-14 07:33:19

I was in the same situation job wise, found out right before I started my new job. We'd tried and failed natural/ivf for years and I thought f**k it it'll never happen, so got a job a i love that paid much less. Then suprise, week before I started found out! I've also found myself so anxious that even after everything I sometimes wonder if I would've been 'safer' just with the job. Plus I get no SMP. My boss was lovely though, and I'm going to take 9 months on maternity allowance from the gov. I think though if you want you could split your maternity time with your partner? Some of us are just better when we're at work and that's nothing to be ashamed of. Men aren't ashamed. I would have looked into splitting the time had I not earnt less than DH. My pop psychology take would be if you're working your dream job then you're good at it, you know you're good at it, and you've got some sense of control. None of that applies to pregnancy which I why we freak out!!

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