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Gender disappointment so ashamed

(27 Posts)
Boygirlblues Mon 01-Dec-14 09:59:07

I'm really ashamed to even be posting this because I know how bad it is, but I need to talk to try to get rid of these horrible thoughts.

I'm around 13 weeks pregnant and have no idea of the sex yet, but I have a strong feeling it's going to be a girl. I've been looking at the nub theory and the skull theory, and my scan photo is looking very much like a girl.

If the baby is a girl I'm terrified of how I'm going to feel, I know how awful and horrible this is, but I can't help it. I have a ds and all I can see myself with is two boys.

One of the reasons is because my house is only two bed, it will be so much easier to not have to think about moving any time soon, a girl will mean a house move will be on the cards much sooner. It also means ds won't get his dream of sharing his room with his brother.

Other than that I can't pin a reason on why I feel this way, other than I'm a horrible selfish person who doesn't deserve a baby.

I know I feel the world is still a very sexist place so perhaps I'm scared of how this will affect a daughter, and doubt my ability as a parent to deal with it.

I've always imagined myself in a house full of boys but I don't know why aside from a bunch of preconceptions about how each sex would be.

I feel sorry for my baby and I want to feel differently but I can't shake it off.

Boygirlblues Mon 01-Dec-14 10:15:16

What's even worse is the only info I can find on this is people desperate for girls and not boys.

Hoggle246 Mon 01-Dec-14 10:20:48

I think it's possibly understandable to see yourself only with the gender you already have. I have a ds and now can't imagine having a girl although I'm genuinely not hoping either way, iyswim, and will be thrilled whatever happens next.

I'm sure whatever happens on the next scan, you will be pleased, because that's your baby! If it helps, maybe start preparing yourself by listing all the wonderful reasons why a girl would be ace, to try and get out of your current mindset?

And harsh as it sounds, perhaps remind yourself of all the parents who aren't as fortunate as you and can't have children or lose children etc. I know that sounds trite but this issue really isn't a big deal - as I'm sure you know really!

Taura Mon 01-Dec-14 10:23:11

I can't offer any particular advice or reassurance. I am 38w pregnant with DC1 and don't know the gender. What I guess is though that whether you have a girl or a boy (13w is early even for an experienced sonographer to confidently determine the gender, I believe, so don't put too much weight on these theories), the child will be loved by you, your partner and your DS.

The room sharing thing is probably only an issue when they get a fair bit older - and at some point even same-sex siblings might want a bit of privacy anyway (or they might not get on, or something). You don't know what your life will be like in 5 years' time.

Relax, enjoy the mystery and try not to overthink things.

Solo Mon 01-Dec-14 10:34:16

I was very much like this with my Ds. I didn't want a boy.
I was seriously depressed during my pregnancy and the longing not to have a boy made it so much worse. It wasn't that I desperately wanted a girl, it was that boys (men) always hurt me and Ds was due too near my horrid/violent exh ~ not the babys father either.

I was having counselling for the depression and the psychologist suggested I find out the baby's sex at the 20 week scan so that if it was a boy, I could adjust and get used to the idea. I did and it worked.
After the initial few weeks of disappointment, I bonded with Ds, named him and when he was born, I loved him so so much.

I'm sure OP, you will be fine and love your baby regardless of the sex.
As for the bedroom scenario. I have a 16yo boy and a 7yo girl and have only 2 bedrooms. They used to share, but Dd has been in with me for a couple of years now. Not ideal, but I'm single so it's not so bad. I am splitting the biggest room into two so that each of the Dc's have their own space. It's not insurmountable.

Solo Mon 01-Dec-14 10:35:09

*due near exh's birthday

Quodlibet Mon 01-Dec-14 10:39:36

It seems like you are focusing all your anxieties about future unknowns onto the gender of your child (which you still don't know!) Its natural to be anxious in pregnancy but not to the point where it's detrimental to your peace of mind. Is it worth talking to your midwife/GP about how you feel?

Don't add shame to the equation! You are worried about the unknown quantity of a girl - that's a fairly understandable emotion.

curiousgeorgie Mon 01-Dec-14 10:41:16

You shouldn't feel ashamed of feeling like this... I had one DD and when pregnant was really anxious about having a boy as I really could only see myself with 2 girls.

Don't worry about the room sharing though, I shared with my brother for years and we were best friends smile

Cotherstone Mon 01-Dec-14 10:42:29

This is surprisingly common, so please don't feel terrible about it.

It's incredibly easy to imagine yourself having another of the same gender child you already have, for one thing.

I always imagined having boys. I never imagined having a girl and never "wanted" a daughter, silly as that sounds. Fell pg and had a gut feeling it was a girl, so found out at the 20w scan, and lo and behold it was a girl. And weirdly once it was confirmed, and it switched in my head from thinking maybe I'm having a girl, I never imagined having a girl to that's my daughter on screen.

Remember that as they are babies, there is no difference between gender other than how you change a nappy (if it is a girl, don't forget to wipe front to back wink). By the time you might starting to think that something seems more like girl behaviour than boy behaviour (which is all a bit tenuous anyway, it's all just that child's behaviour) they'll be years old and you'll love them to pieces.

And as for the room sharing, they can share for years, as another poster has said, and that's not something to stress about now.

It's alright, really. It's fine to feel like this, it's great that you can acknowledge it. Remember, your child becomes your child, regardless of their sex.

(Oh, and after imagining only having boys, now I can't imagine any future DC will be anything but girls!)

BigCatFace Mon 01-Dec-14 11:14:32

Just want to say, don't go on "feelings" or nub theory. A King's sonographer, at 13 weeks, told me-who had all the, "girl" signs- that we were having a girl. At 22 weeks we found out it was actually a boy. And I experienced disappointment too. In fact, I burst into tears like a twat. I didn't want a boy. I have no idea what "boys do" and was raised by women, pretty much, have sisters etc. I had always imagined having a daughter and had been so happy that I was going to get one.

It's taken me a few weeks to let go of the fantasy daughter I had had. That's all she was really- all she ever could be since as soon as they're born they're a human being in their own right, their gender isn't their destiny, it doesn't make them a certain kind of person. You might think because you have a son that you'd know how to cope and what you're getting- but you don't. If this DC is a son he could be a completely different kind of person to DS1.

Part of the reason I was so upset at the idea of having a son was that a girl felt more "natural"- an extension of my own body. I was aghast I'd grown a penis! It felt so weird.

I still feel a sense of loss but mostly I'm looking forward to meeting them. Don't feel guilty and don't write yourself off in terms of your feelings either- they will most likely change before the birth and if they don't, then ask for help.

Foggymist Mon 01-Dec-14 11:25:12

I quite seriously want/wanted a girl, I am much more used to girl babies/toddlers/teenagers and just basically prefer them, my family is about 85% girls.

We have yet to find out what gender ours is, but I decided early on I would convince myself it's a boy, that way I won't be shocked if I find out it is one. I have done a better job of this than I thought possible! We picked a boys name (haven't picked a girls name), and I've basically accepted that this is "him" and that's that. It's helped quite a lot, as I can visualise "him" better.

With regards to the extra bedroom being a reason, like others have said that's a long way down the road really. I have relatives with 4 kids, 2 girls and 2 boys, who are 12, 9, 6 and 4, and there was one of each in each room, but now the 12 year old boy shares with the 4 year old boy, that's only happened in the last year I would say. Mixed bedrooms is a non issue for a very long time. And as has been mentioned two sons might fall out and want separate rooms earlier that gender would determine you separating them.

makeitabetterplace Mon 01-Dec-14 11:36:26

I really, really wanted a boy. I have a non-contact relationship with my mum was really thought I would psychologically struggle with having a girl and possibly replicating that awful relationship I have with my own mum. At 16 weeks we were told it is a girl. I am really pleased I found out as it's given me time to adjust my thinking. I'm going to raise her to be strong, fearless, fun and creative and I can't wait. Find out as early as you can so you have time to change your thinking.

WorryWurta Mon 01-Dec-14 11:43:00

Definitely don't feel ashamed. I've been through a lot of loss and heartache to get pg and whilst personally I can't empathise with having a gender preference I think it I normal for a lot of ppl. I fixate on random things that make me feel anxious/depressed in pg I think everyone is allowed to. Remember room sharing can work or not work based on personalities - me and my sis were ready to kill each other! And you may end up with a very feminine boy or a masculine girl - lots of things determine personality and interests. But in saying that I suspect there's probably something more going on than you not wanting to play princesses. Don't beat yourself up, find someone to talk to and help you work through whatever's at the heart of it. Hope you find some peace.

NewNamePlease Mon 01-Dec-14 11:49:01

Why can't they share a room as brother and sister?

Boygirlblues Mon 01-Dec-14 11:55:44

Thank you for all not just calling me a complete bitch.

There is a fair age gap, 6 years between ds and this one, so I've had many years of building up how it will be.

I want to find out as soon as possible and have considered booking a private scan at 16 weeks, because I can prepare myself then, and give myself time to sort my head out.

A lot of people are assuming I must want a girl this time, to have one of each, or because they say that girls are calmer, quieter, easier. My ds is a crazy, loud boisterous pain the the neck, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

SomeSunnySunday Mon 01-Dec-14 11:57:12

Don't feel ashamed OP, I think that it really is quite common.

We have 2 DSs, and when I accidentally fell pregnant with number 3, I very much imagined another boy. I know quite a few 3 boy families, and they just seem so much like fun little gangs. I'm fully in "boy" mode, not particularly girly myself, and could only really picture baby boys. Plus we still have one unused boy name!

At our 20 week scan we were told we were having a girl. I felt really odd about it, kind of detached and as if my imaginary boy had been taken away. I hadn't planned on a third baby at all, and certainly not on altering our family dynamic with a girl. I then convinced myself that the sonographer was wrong, to the extent that DH insisted on a private gender scan - which also said girl. This has subsequently been confirmed by further NHS scans (for medical reasons, but we asked about gender as a side issue).

I'm almost 38 weeks now, and am really looking forward to meeting my little girl, but it has taken a while to readjust my ideas. I still don't think I'll turn into the kind of mum who dresses her daughter in frilly dresses from birth, but actually buying a few slightly more girly newborn pieces has helped (literally only 2 sleep suits, a gloves and hat set and a pram blanket - we haven't gone mad and will mostly use the boys' stuff).

If you find out that you are having a girl, give yourself time. And good luck!

Boygirlblues Mon 01-Dec-14 11:58:29

Ds will be near to 7 by the time the baby is born, if the baby spends the first year in with me, then ds will be almost 8. I suppose that they could share, but I'm thinking once ds hits puberty it might not be appropriate. Perhaps less of an issue with two lads together?

SomeSunnySunday Mon 01-Dec-14 11:59:14

Actually your last point has reminded me how annoyed I got (and still get) when people assumed that we wanted or had "tried for" a girl. I felt really protective of my "third boy", and I think actually finding out I was having a girl made me feel as if I was somehow letting my boys down. Hormones are strange things!

ThinkIveBeenHacked Mon 01-Dec-14 12:34:23

When I was pg with no.2, I also would have preferred another girl (two bed, same practicalities etc). As it is, we found out at 20 weeks it was a boy.

Whilst (had the option to choose been available) I would have picked a girl, it was also our final baby and, actually, in hindsight, im glad I will now have the experience of parenting a boy and a girl.

Your blessings are plentiful. Whilst it might be hard, please try and count them and appreciate them.

Whatever the outcome, I am sure you will end up with a wonderful little family.

skyra13 Mon 01-Dec-14 12:47:29

I really wanted a boy always have since I was a girl family seems to pop out boys first so kinda hoped it would be a boy!

At my 20 week scan was told its a little girl a little disappointed but I am slowly coming round the the fact of her being a girl smile

I think the things that scare me about a little girl is how horrible I was to my parents and I have no idea why I was so horrible to them!
I kinda don't want to go through that with my own child I think that's what I got into my head that it would be easier with a boy!
But I love the fact that I will have a little girl. I am just glad she is doing well and healthy but I can sympathise with you even if our reasons are different.

silverfishlondon Mon 01-Dec-14 13:35:00

I was adament I didn't want to know gender, but as it got nearer 20 week I realised I did have a preference, so would be better to find out then. I wanted a girl, but had convinced myself it was a boy, so as not to be disappointed. Well it was a girl and I'm very happy but took a while to readjust! Knowing gender all made it much more real for me.

Gudgyx Mon 01-Dec-14 13:42:15

I was convinced I was having a boy from the day I found out I was pregnant. No idea why, just a feeling.

We went for a private gender scan at 16 weeks, and was confirmed it was a boy. BUT the sonographer wanted us to come back the week later, as he wasnt 100% sure.

When we went back, he was 100% sure she was a girl! It has since been confirmed at further scans. But I'll admit I was slightly disappointed when I first found that out. I was so sure I was having a boy, and had become attached to 'him'. I felt really guilty being excited about my little girl, as though I had 'lost' a little boy. But as my OH pointed out to me, I hadnt. It was still the same baby, our baby, and thats all that matters smile

Gender disappointment is more common that people think.

KentExpecting Mon 01-Dec-14 18:25:24

I think this is surprisingly common! I somehow had this really strong feeling that we were having a girl and was kind of shocked when they told us at the 20-week scan that it's a boy! Even cried over the loss of my imaginary little girl for a few days. But I've just about got used to the idea now at 25 weeks and I guess by 40 weeks I'll be totally looking forward to my DS!

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Mon 01-Dec-14 23:41:07

If it is a girl as soon as they place her in your arms all that I want a boy will just go out the window.

Mmmfishandchips Mon 01-Dec-14 23:48:52

I was disapointed that i had a girl, not because i don't like them but because i didnt want a child of mine to have to deal with sexist shit and have less opportunities than possible. didnt need to worry, we have a fantastic bond and she is a medical student in the top 15% of her year. So non of my girl related worries came true.

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