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2nd emergency scan..... am I being selfish by not letting the "Dad" know???

(17 Posts)
sianilovesbeingamummy Tue 18-Nov-14 10:58:26

I am having a second early scan on Thursday due to second, painful bleed over the weekend, i am 9 + 3.

I split from the baby's Father about a month ago and since this time he hasn't asked how the pregnancy is going, despite knowing about my first emergency scan 4 weeks ago, nor has he asked how my other 2 children are, who he is also the father of. He started paying maintenance last week, begrudgingly which he makes me collect from a work colleagues car on a Wednesday and signing a receipt......

I just don't know if i should tell him i have the scan on Thursday or not? I don't see why i should be running around after him when it is through stress that I have had yet another bleed. It started after he and his mates sent some quite awful text messages whilst on a night out calling me an unfit mother, a child and unworthy! I do however know that if he finds out, we live in a very collect town where everyone seems to know your business before you know yourself, he will more than likely stop weekly contributions towards the up keep of his current children.

He has stopped all contact with me saying he never wishes to speak to me so even when i do try and ring, which is only if it is extremely important, he doesnt answer me anyway!!!

I am a strong believer in Dads having equal rights but his selfishness and immaturity has me feeling he doesnt deserve to be involved!!!

I am at a loss really

Jodie1982 Tue 18-Nov-14 11:03:33

Well I personally wouldn't bother, seeing as he's showing he doesn't give a toss anyway. I wouldn't waste my breath. Must feel awful for you. Keep your chin up, be strong and keep on doing a good job like you have been. If he wanted to know how you all are I'm sure he'd of asked by now. Sod him. I hope everything goes well for you. X

mrsshinn88 Tue 18-Nov-14 11:56:06

He has no respect for you by the sound of it and doesn't deserve the right to see the scan you need support emotionally and physically if he was there would he give that??

Bondy83 Tue 18-Nov-14 11:59:11

If you think there's a chance he would to be at the scan with you then maybe tell him as it's just as much his child as yours although I suspect that he doesn't really care & isn't that interested so why bother

mrsshinn88 Tue 18-Nov-14 12:00:33

Sorry if that seemed a bit short and to the point I get angry when 'men' just leave and don't support a women especially when they are pregnant. Having a child changes a woman's life no matter what but a man can choose how must involvement he has and choose to stay or walk away how equal rights is that hun. By the sounds of this he is being immature and a boy not a man. You do what you need to do to look after yourself, your family and your unborn baby x

Foreverblue Tue 18-Nov-14 13:13:51

Oh this made me so cross reading this..he makes you collect your maintenance from an third party and sign a receipt? So this person knows your degrading for you!..disgusting..he doesn't deserve to know a thing because he clearly doesn't care or respect you x your better of without him sweetheart and I hope everything's ok with you and baby x

sianilovesbeingamummy Tue 18-Nov-14 15:28:19

It was me that ended things due to past problems in our relationship so because i ended it he is being awkward. I dont think he has equal rights, far from it i was just saying I know alot of Men should have equal rights, i was just clarifying that i wasn't tarring every man with the same brush so to speak... I was just wondering if i was doing the right thing. I feel i am.

Yes having to pick money up from a third party is very degrading and difficult as it his place of work and i know he has been dragging my name through the dirt when people dont know the history - domestic violence

I am more than happy to do it alone, i went to every scan and doc appointment on my own with my other children too so maybe i know the right answer, just wanted to make sure i wasnt being the selfish one

chariotsofire Tue 18-Nov-14 15:32:20

If I were you would do everything I could to make sure my behaviour was above reproach so he has nothing to throw at you. Tough though it will be I wouldn't give him any fuel for accusing you of cutting him out of his children's lives. If he doesn't answer your call then at least you tried and he had a chance to be a father to all your children.

ProbablyMe Tue 18-Nov-14 15:36:44

I'm sorry you're having such a horrible time with your pregnancy and that it's being made worse but this arsehole. I wouldn't tell him, he doesn't deserve to know. Also, I would contact the child maintenance people and sort out maintenance payments via them - you don't need to have to be put in such an unpleasant position to get the money he owes you. Also, if he and his friends continue to send you harassing messages then please consider telling the authorities? Hope everything is well on Thursday.

crazykat Tue 18-Nov-14 15:54:31

From your op it sounds like you think he'd stop maintenance if he finds out about the scan from someone else. If that's the case then I'd text him so he doesn't stop maintenance.

It sounds like you'd be better off not telling him and contacting CMS to sort out maintenance tbh. That way you don't need to tell him and stop the ridiculous set up of having to get the money from his work mate.

You're right though, men like this aren't worth the head space and their children are better off without them.

Bumpandbaby2014 Tue 18-Nov-14 15:58:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VanitasVanitatum Tue 18-Nov-14 16:06:12

He has no right to stop maintenance, but it could take a long time to sort out if he does. Might it be easier to tell him and avoid more stress at the moment? I hate to think that you have to feel controlled by a man who has been violent to you but you have to think of your health first right now.

Foreverblue Tue 18-Nov-14 16:12:47

It's absolutely vile!'s just an attempt at controlling you from outside the relationship and he's willing deprive his children in order to do it
Men like this make my blood boil
I agree with legal advice regarding your maintenance x

Im sure it's an added stress you don't need right now x

sianilovesbeingamummy Thu 20-Nov-14 19:16:15

Just thought that i would let you know that my scan went well today. Baby is perfectly healthy and growing quickly, he/she is now measuring 10w3d so 5d ahead of what was thought.

Didnt let the father know and pretty glas as he was driving in front of me earlier and deliberately missed his turning for his house in order to make sure i was heading to mine, i think..... pathetic

VanitasVanitatum Fri 21-Nov-14 08:34:23

Congratulations! That's great news flowers

Jodie1982 Fri 21-Nov-14 08:50:43

I'm glad ur bubby is well Hun. Keep ur head high, your doing great. X

DanyStormborn Fri 21-Nov-14 10:44:48

I'm glad your scan went well and you jumped 5 days ahead - I was so happy when I was dated 3 days ahead as time is going so slow smile

In my opinion although it is nice from a bonding perspective for the father of the child to be present at scans and the birth I think that it is far more important that the patient (the mother) is comfortable at these events and if that person being there makes you less than happy they you should go alone or take someone else.

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