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Love him dearly but how on earth is he going to look after us?

(111 Posts)
pippinleaf Fri 14-Nov-14 20:02:18

I had this vague hope that my wonderful husband might be able to take on more of the domestic reins in the time after the baby arrives for a while. Tonight I'm in agony with rib pain so he goes to get us chinese takeaway. He forgot my main so I ended up with noodles, no sauce or anything. I can't share his as I'm veggie and he's not.

So, because plain noodles are too dry to be in any way appetising, he gets a fish pie out of the fridge to cook for me. After waiting half an hour it turns out he put his cottage pie in the oven by mistake. So now he's got two dinners and I've still got none.

Sigh. He looks so dejected I can't be angry with him.

Please reassure me that men suddenly become useful once they're really needed?

Gennz Fri 14-Nov-14 21:04:33

Sorry but if he's useless now don't expect a 180 after a child is born. Is he always a muppet or is he just a bit challenged in the cooking space (e.g. does he clean the house etc?)

F#ck his dejection, I would be raging! Pregnancy hormones and hanger is not a good combo.

pippinleaf Fri 14-Nov-14 21:12:55

He is usually ok but he has to be asked to do anything he does. It would simply never occur to him to out a wash on, hang washing out, get it in, Hoover, etc. should I make a reward chart with stickers?

And I did lose my sense of humour a bit when he revealed the banana fritters he'd remembered were the sort without the toffee crunchy topping sad

cadidog Fri 14-Nov-14 21:18:42

Send his ass out again to get proper food. Keep doing until he gets it right.

Catsarebastards Fri 14-Nov-14 21:19:39


Why why WHY? Did you think it was a good idea to live with never mind create a dependant human child with someone who doesnt even know how to look after himself? Lets hope nothing ever happens to make you or your child totally dependant on him!

Gennz Fri 14-Nov-14 21:20:42

Do you do most of the domestic stuff generally? The sooner you get him to sort his sh*it out the better, how pregnant are you? In the first few months likely the baby will take up most of your time and if you are nagging him to help or trying to do everything as well as look after a small baby you're likely to grow to loathe him quite swiftly.

Why can't he put a load of laundry on? Are his hands painted on What did he do before you got together? I don't think this kind of uselessness is typical, DH cooks dinner, does dishes, laundry, irons his own shirts etc - he's doesn't get a star chart for it either.

LuluJakey1 Fri 14-Nov-14 21:24:39

I think if he is good- hearted and tries, you are way up on lots of men I read about on here.

I am 33 weeks pregnant and my DH is lovely- kind, understanding, thoughtful, funny but there are things he is hopeless at grin

Doesn't matter because I know he will always do his absolute best for us. I might get the occasional bizarre concoction for tea, the dishwasher will never be loaded properly, he will never be Kim or Aggie (thank God) but he will be loving, put us first, involved and do whatever he can to help. He will be a fantastic role model for our baby boy.

VoyagesOfAStarship Fri 14-Nov-14 21:25:32

Does he have a job? Is he competent at the job? If so then what's going on is deliberate at some level - it's a habit he's got into because he just sees himself as extraneous and not required to be much use at home. (that's a best case scenario, assuming he is nice and not basically a misogynist git) If you are always picking up the slack and doing everything because it's easier than dealing with his disasters, then you're kind of enabling this too Not judging you for that, I've done it myself.

I have got my dp to take responsibility and do his share, basically by endless explaining why it is not all my job and it is not good enough to say he'll do it and not do it, because then its all on me, and that's not fair. You also have to let him take responsibility for stuff, not step in, not rescue him, but expect him to be up to it. Start now by explaining what half the chores looks like, make lists if necessary and share out the jobs, and don't do his.

LuluJakey1 Fri 14-Nov-14 21:30:37

However, I have spent 5 years training him with some success.

He responds very well to clear requests, demonstrations the first time he does something, praise when he does it right, encouragement if he is struggling and a look of disappointment if he gets it wrong which flashes quickly across my face as I say 'no, it's fine...really'. he says that reaction is worse than anything. grin

Catsarebastards Fri 14-Nov-14 21:35:16

A good way to show your partner exactly how much he needs to up his game is for you to do exactly as much as he does, as 'well' as he does. So if he doesnt do washing, you dont, if he forgets your food, you forget to make him dinner tomorrow, if he doesnnt wash dishes, you dont. You do exactly as much as he does and no more and it will become glariny obvious to both of you how unbalanced the share of work is and how ridiculous it is that he doesnt do these things. Every adult should be capable of cooking, doing laundry, keeping their home clean and tidy. They should do as much as they would if they lived alone at the very least.

Gennz Fri 14-Nov-14 21:35:37

I'm sorry but I don't think a father being domestically incompetent is a good role model for any child, but especially for a son. DH works very hard at his job but is able to make dinner/do laundry/mop floors etc. Likewise I work hard at work (well I did before I went on mat leave - now 38 weeks preg and have slowed to a waddle) and do the same. Having a penis doesn't disqualify him from housework and having a vagina doesn't magically make me better at hanging out the washing confused

Gennz Fri 14-Nov-14 21:36:28

Training is what I do with my dog, not my husband.

Catsarebastards Fri 14-Nov-14 21:37:21

Glariny? confused glaringly

Catsarebastards Fri 14-Nov-14 21:40:08

Totally agree gennz. These threads are so depressing. My 9yo son can make dinner for the family, offers to take bins out/down to the road, feeds the cat he wanted to get, does dishes, loads and switches on the washing machine. It really is not difficult to learn.

Gennz Fri 14-Nov-14 21:47:00

Yes and the poster above who has spent 5 years "training" her partner and he still can't reliably load a dishwasher. I mean WTAF, if that was an employment situationa nd you couldn't master a simple task after years of training, you'd be fired. The only logial conclusion is that these men cannot be bothered to do it/ do it properly because they know their nanny wife will do it for them.

DH is great but he has a blank spot around making our bed, he just doesn't make it as nicely as I do, duvet covers roughly pulled up, pillow cases not on properly. Last weekend he'd put the superking cover on the duvet the wrong way (length ways). I lost my shit was not very happy and pointed out that if he can work as a corporate lawyer there's no reason that he ca't master putting a sodding duvet cover on properly. I think it's unlikely to happen again. Might I suggest you posters with domestically incompetent partners are too tolerant.

Gennz Fri 14-Nov-14 21:48:56

Sorry I should add that the real reason he doesn't bother to make the bed properly is (a) he doesn't care about it looking nice/being done properly, and (b) he knows I do - so it's a way of getting out of doing it. This is the only chore that he does this for. If that was his attitude across the whole house I'd be fucking ropeable.

pippinleaf Fri 14-Nov-14 21:49:31

Wow. Poor husband. He loves me, he tells me all the time, he holds me, he walks the dogs in the dark every morning because I can't at the moment, he does everything I ask him to (my only complaint is he seems to need to be asked). He's not cheating on me, looking at porn, messaging women on facebook, being emotionally or physically abusive to me (unlike every other bugger in the relationships board) and he is the gentlest man I've ever met. To write him off as a poor role model and to question why I'd set up home with him is extremely harsh.

ChippingInAutumnLover Fri 14-Nov-14 21:51:10

I thought you were vegetarian?

Why would he be getting fish out for you anyway?

odoneel Fri 14-Nov-14 21:52:55

I think you should reassure your husband with your love, but maybe write some ground rules about noodles and stuff

Gennz Fri 14-Nov-14 21:53:07

I was actually responding to Lukey's post that her domestically incompetent husband will be a good role model for their son pippin.

However might I suggest that that fact that a partner walks the dog and is not abusive or a cheater is a pretty low bar!! DH is not perfect & neither am I but he walks the dog & is not abusive or a cheater and can still do the laundry.

Catsarebastards Fri 14-Nov-14 21:56:18

No it isnt harsh at all. It is a very sensible and inwould have thought obvious question. More women need to be asking themselves before moving in with a man whether he is a fully functioning adult capable of looking after himself.

It is absolouty ridiculous that a grown man claims not to know how to wash his own clothes and if i was him i would be fucking mortified.

The fact that he doesnt cheat/watch porn/text other women is nothing extraordinary and certainly not commendable. It is a basic standard we should all expect and definitely not accept as a pay off for him refusing to wash his own skiddies.

Gennz Fri 14-Nov-14 21:57:44

lol at odoneel

odoneel Fri 14-Nov-14 21:58:40

I agree with Gennz. I also know lots of people ( both men and women) who walk the dog and are not abusive. I think this is the norm

Wishtoremainunknown Fri 14-Nov-14 21:58:51

I wouldn't be doing any washing for him. He'd soon learn. No idea how anyone can find such a man attractive.

Forget this oh poor man he's hopeless rubbish. They aren't. As the above poster said if they pulled this crap at work they'd be fired.

pippinleaf Fri 14-Nov-14 22:00:02

I am vegetarian but the fertility doc said I should eat fish while we were trying and I'm pregnant. So I try to eat fish twice a week, normally manage once.

Are we having a lovely husband competition now? I'm really very confident that my husband would win. He may not be particularly domestic but he's a wonderful man, friend and will be a fab dad.

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