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i dont know if i am ready for this baby

(19 Posts)
ladylala28 Thu 13-Nov-14 12:27:24

Please dont shout at me or judge im literally at my wits end of what to do.
I am 25 and married to hubby who is 34. We rent a flat with a spare room so enough space. Hubby is in full time work and i start my new job monday (they dont know im pregnant but its illegal for them to sack me for being pg)
Anyway im 15 weeks pregnant and feel under so much pressure to be happy and keep it. I feel im not financially ready i was hoping to have a house before hand. I dont feel my marriage is strong enough. And most important i dont feel mentally strong enough. Ive had a horrible pregnancy so far. I tried to talk to my hubby he told me "tough you got no choice but to have it" he literally expects me to do all child care all week on my own and nights at weekend.
I cant talk to my mum as she is so excited.
I feel so alone and i feel when its here its all on my shoulders as all hubby cares about is working constantly. I understand the extra money but i will need help.
I feel so selfish thinking this way with so many people who cant have kids. I cant do anything about it or i lose everyone.

I even considered a abortion and tell everyone it was a miscaridge. Its horrible i must be horrible.

IsItMeOr Thu 13-Nov-14 12:33:54


So sorry you're feeling this way. Is there a local pregnancy advisory service who you could talk to about your options?

It is absolutely okay for you not to be delighted about this. If you can't talk at home, there are definitely other people who will help you think through what you want to happen.

TheHermitCrab Thu 13-Nov-14 12:40:32

I think you should also post this in the mumsnet Relationships message board.

Your partner is being completely insensitive, on that bit there is no doubt.

Not financially ready - me and my partner waited, and we are now financially worse off than we were before. Full time worker + part time worker on min wage with debts. I've had £4 in my bank for the last 2 weeks! lol..

Mentally - I'm with you on that one. Everyone is doting over me and I'm not maternal, or "child friendly" at all. I mean I know I want this child and I will love her to pieces (I'm 30 weeks) But I just can't be arsed with all the baby talk, pics, interferring...etc when I'm already panicking I'll be a shoddy mother!

I feel so selfish thinking this way with so many people who cant have kids Don't think like that. You are not responsible for other people's problems, you are your own person with your own decisions to make... never compare!

What are your reasons for not feeling mentally up for it? I was reassured by my MW that a lot of first time mums, even those who were desperate for a baby start to worry about this kind of thing when it all becomes real, I mean, it's life changing! You're bound to have negative thoughts.

Do you have positive thoughts too? xxxx

dottytablecloth Thu 13-Nov-14 12:43:54

Poor you, sounds tough.

I would absolutely not have been ready for a baby at 25, I was 33 with my first and now with number 2 will be 35- so don't feel bad about that.

A baby is very hard on a marriage; my marriage is rock solid and we bickered about the most ridiculous things as a result of the bone crushing tiredness of a newborn. You do get through it though, they are tiny for such a short space of time.

Your husband doesn't sound very supportive. Why does he expect you to do all the childcare?

TheHermitCrab Thu 13-Nov-14 12:47:39

(I'm 26 by the way)

Lottapianos Thu 13-Nov-14 12:52:42

OP, you are entitled to your own feelings about this pregnancy. You absolutely do not have to have this baby if you don't want to. There is a huge amount of pressure on women to become mothers and to have only positive feelings about it. That's just not the reality for anyone. Nothing that you're feeling is terrible, its completely understandable especially given your husband's attitude.

I second the recommendation to speak to someone at the British Pregnancy Advisory Service - this is a huge decision and it may well help to speak to an impartial professional person about it

browneyedgirly Thu 13-Nov-14 13:00:23

I'm so sorry you've got all this on your mind and feel you don't have anyone to talk to. I'd also strongly advise you to find a service that offers a talking space for you to explore some of what you're feeling.

I'd also try to put from your mind any feelings of guilt about other people or what you think you 'should' do; this is your body, your life and unfortunately only you can decide what is best for you. But as I said there are services out there that will give you the space you need to talk through these feelings. Perhaps mention to your doctor or MW and see what they recommend?

Really hope you get the support you need smile

ladylala28 Thu 13-Nov-14 13:07:07

I tried talking to my hubby and just recieved this text

Im going o say this and once only !! have it killed if thats what you want ok !!


Number3cometome Thu 13-Nov-14 13:14:11

I think instead of thinking that the child is not right for you, I would be more concerned that the husband is not right for you.

Continuing with the pregnancy is absolutely your choice, if you seriously feel that you cannot cope and that this is going to cause you physical or psychological harm, then that has to be taken in to account.

There are so many people who can help you through this and assist you in making an informed decision.

However, the hubby doesn't sound like a supportive or decent partner.
That for me is very worrying, he should want you to be safe and happy and the fact that he is not says a lot.
You need to consider very strongly if this man is right for you and I could be wrong, but it doesn't sound like you are happy my sweetie.

Perhaps you should speak to your GP - see if they can refer you for some councelling?

Perhaps you could consider staying with a relative and collecting your thoughts?

Obviously I am only going by what you said here, but what he said in that text appears bullish and manipulating xxx

TheHermitCrab Thu 13-Nov-14 13:17:08

That text is emotional abuse. Do not accept something like that from that "man"

Do you want a child with someone who disrespects your feelings and emotions so much?

May I ask, was this a pre-planned/discussed pregnancy?

TheHermitCrab Thu 13-Nov-14 13:20:36

myself and my partner planned our baby for quite a while, but as I said, I got some similar worries to you (although never considered an abortion, it was something we both discussed in the past and both agreed that it could be necessary and that we would discuss it if the time ever came...etc)

But when I had my worries, my partner re-assured me, discussed my role as a mum and the positive's he thought I had for it. Helped me make financial plans and how we are going to cope with me as the breadwinner taking maternity.

Your partner is saying "tough shit" and now saying "have it killed"

His behavior is seriously not on, even if your negativity may have fueled it, you don't talk to someone like that about something so imporant.

HazleNutt Thu 13-Nov-14 13:53:29

What a horrible answer from your husband, especially at this time, when he should be exceptionally supportive. As others have said, it's absolutely your decision if having this baby is right for you at this time. There is support and counseling available.

But whatever your choice is here, you should also consider if this man really makes you happy. He does not sound like a loving partner.

acharmofgoldfinches Thu 13-Nov-14 14:09:58

as others have said, go and talk to someone at British Pregnancy Advisory Service now - they will not judge you, and they do not have a view one way or the other; if you decide to continue with the pregnancy they will be fine with that, and if you decide not to continue with the pregnancy they will help you sort that out. they have a very useful "what if" questionnaire on their website which can help you sort through your feelings, which are obviously in turmoil (and hormones won't be helping).

you do need to go and see BPAS soon though, as if you decide not to continue with the pregnancy then you have more choices the earlier on in the pregnancy you are.

I am not surprised you are wondering what to do, your husband sounds very un-supportive. whether you can cope with that is more worrying than whether you could cope with having a baby.

this is your life, only you can decide what to do, and I don't think you are being selfish at all.

Lottapianos Thu 13-Nov-14 15:57:14

OP, I agree with others' concerns about your husband. His text to you is horrible. You do not have to stay in a relationship that makes you feel this way.

Make a BPAS appointment as soon as you can. Apologies if you know this already, but abortions can only be carried out up to 24 weeks in the UK so the sooner you get support with this decision the better.

amandalk91 Thu 13-Nov-14 16:17:14

I'm feeling exactly the same as you, do not feel like you have to be happy about it 24/7 it's the biggest change you'll ever have in your life and for your husband to be so blunt and dismissive about it is disgusting. Have you got any good friends you can talk to about it? I'd seriously think about taking a break away from him to gather your thoughts he'll only make you feel worse about the situation. So sorry for you!

tomanyanimals Thu 13-Nov-14 19:05:23

I was 19 with my first I felt as you did but to be honest I got rid of my arse of a partner I struggled I won't lie it was hard my mum was supportive which was extremely useful and she stepped in when she knew I needed it but let me do my own thing if that makes sense, could you speak to your mum about that part and to be honest I would walk away from your husband he sounds like a right arsehole I am now 23 married an expecting ds2 in five weeks if my now dh said something like yours did to me I would have no qualms walking away wether I kept the baby or not u need supporting not putting down or being spoken to like that.

I hope you make the right decision for you and your happy with the outcome which ever way you go.

ApocalypseThen Thu 13-Nov-14 20:11:03

The thing is, most of us aren't ready for this baby, but we have someone who'll muddle through as a unit with us. You need to find that person, and I'm sorry to say, on that performance, it may not be your husband.

ladylala28 Sat 15-Nov-14 10:17:42

I tried explaining i need support and all he went on about was theres no support for him and no groups for men. I never realised just how selfish he is. He has made a doctors appointment so he can talk to someone about his concerns but meanwhile still no support for me. I have now taken on 60 hour weeks just to clear his debts hoping that might help.
Thank you for your support everyone

HazleNutt Sat 15-Nov-14 10:21:41

what? You are pregnant and working 60 hours to clear your husband's debts? The same husband, who is being totally unsupportive and instead whines about his own feelings? This sounds totally crazy. Is he actually doing anything himself to clear the debts?

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