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Negative responses to your pregnancy

(36 Posts)
twinkletoes2015 Mon 10-Nov-14 10:38:38

Hi all, I've done a previous post on why I have had a negative response to announcing my pregnancy from a person close to me. I just wondered if this has happened to anyone else, for whatever reason and how you coped with it?

In my little happy bubble, never expected my wonderful news to upset anyone and cause issues but it has and I'm stressing, upset and losing sleep.

My partner and I are beyond happy but it is only very early days so we have only told our close family in the hope of being able to share our happiness and excited and if anything bad does happen, we can have their support but I'm regretting it now sad

foxyfemke Mon 10-Nov-14 10:56:45

I've been on the other side. We were having trouble TTC-ing and a friend told us she was pregnant. When she told us, I broke down in tears in front of her and had to leave the room. I found it really hard to deal with for a while.

I really wanted to be happy for her, but at that point in time, I was so wound up in our own issues (we were just starting fertility tests) that anyone announcing a pregnancy made me really upset.

I felt like a right cow and my friend and I did have a good chat about it and all was well. Although it remained really hard to see her belly grow and things like that. She is now almost due and I am now 17 weeks pregnant. Because of my own situation I am maybe more aware it can be really hard on people for lots of reasons. It's not your fault. But a lot of people have their own issues you may not be aware of.

LittleBairn Mon 10-Nov-14 11:03:57

We had a bit of an odd situation in our family.
I have lost two babies mid way through pregnancy so my in-laws told us not to tell them I was pregnant in future. I'm currently 17 weeks and feel resentful that I've had to keep my baby a secret.
Even more awkward I strongly expect my SIL is pregnant and even further on that me and I'm not being told in case it upsets me. That makes me feel rather angry I find behaviour like that rather isolating and belittling.
What exactly is going to happen, I turn up to a family occasion and the baby is there and I have to pretend I knew all along? confused

My advice would be if there is someone in the family who may be upset by you having a baby then text or email them to let them know. This way they can express how the feel in private but allow them to publically congratulate you.

LittleBairn Mon 10-Nov-14 11:05:30

But it also really depends IMO why they are upset is it just them judging you or being spiteful or is there a valid reason like infertility or baby loss?

twinkletoes2015 Mon 10-Nov-14 11:20:38

It's infertility that I was unaware of. I obviously feel awful for her and never meant to upset her but to be screamed and shouted at and have constant abusive text messages and phone calls has made it very hard for me. I had to leave work as she got me in such a state, I've apologised for anything she feels I have done but she refuses to acknowledge any wrong doing on her part.

This whole situation has really ruined what should be a happy time for me.

LittleBairn Mon 10-Nov-14 11:23:24

Goodness that really is unacceptable.
But saying that its ruined things for you and you have had to leave work is a bit precious.

twinkletoes2015 Mon 10-Nov-14 11:28:08

I just really wasn't expecting this reaction and it caught me by surprise and my emotions got the better of me at work so I felt it best to go home and sort myself out.

Maybe ruined is a bit OTT you are right but a dampener has been put on what should be a wonderful time

ToriB34 Mon 10-Nov-14 11:29:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

twinkletoes2015 Mon 10-Nov-14 11:33:07

Thank you Tori, your words have helped.

I've always been a bit naive and seen life through rose tinted glasses so I just imagined everyone being over the moon for me. Especially the person in question, I was really looking forward to sharing my news with her.

I will enjoy my pregnancy, the last few days have just been a blip I think x

foxyfemke Mon 10-Nov-14 12:18:26

Her reaction is very over the top and it must be horrible for you.

originalusernamefail Mon 10-Nov-14 12:35:13

When my best friend told me she was 16 weeks pregnant I howld. I just couldn't help myself blush. I had just been told I had a hormone secreting tumour that would make TTC impossible for at least 3 years ( they were wrong thankfully). I apologised for my behaviour and put my best "happy" face on from then on. Being upset is understandable, being abusive isn't. You're having a baby you haven't stolen hers..........she owes you an apology.

3littlebadgers Mon 10-Nov-14 13:00:29

I'm sorry it has tarnished the start of your pregnancy. My best friend has had recurrent miscarriages and despite being happy for us she has always asked for a little time to let the news sink in and i respect her for that.
When we were about to try for out dc3 my brother confided in us and told him that he and sil were about to start ivf. We decided to postpone trying to be kind to them. 8 months later they had their 12 week scan. We thought it was safe to start trying again and luckily got pregnant quite quickly (5 months between my dn and dc3). When we told everyone our news sil was furious! Stormed out on my brother, said hateful things to me including saying it was "bad enough when you had dc1 but then you went and had dc2 and now because you are jealous of me you have gone and got yourself pregnant again!" I was heartbroken, we waited trying to be fair to them.
I am not pregnant with dc4 and the thought of telling them was making me sick. When I told my dm the 'good news' her instant reaction was "is that really fair on your brother after last time?" In the end I just sent them a text. My DH family, our children, and our friends are thrilled. Just a shame my own family couldn't share our joy.

twinkletoes2015 Mon 10-Nov-14 13:11:13

Oh 3littlebadgers. How awful for you. It sounds like you are in a sort of similar situation to us. I have been told that I don't want or deserve my baby because I haven't been trying too long.

You sound like you have good support from your DH and his family. Enjoy your children and pregnancy, you can't put your life on hold or forever make decisions on how fair things are deemed to be on others!

Nona1979 Mon 10-Nov-14 13:19:36

I had the first trimester and most of the second trimester of my pregnancy completely ruined by a colleague who has had problems with TTC. I completely understand people finding it difficult and needing space and time to process the news; but I didn't talk about my pregnancy at all during work, didn't show anyone scan pictures at all, and basically was asked to pretend I wasn't pregnant so it didn't upset this colleague.

I was constantly berated if I even took a morning off work (I was eventually signed off with HG) and when I broke down at my desk because I felt so awful I was told I didn't have the right to feel upset because I should be grateful. Astonishingly people sharing our office offered me NO support, instead pandering to the colleague who was kicking up a fuss about me being pregnant. I even heard people say I 'stole' her pregnancy.

I ended up having to go to HR and things have been a little better since then but I still don't talk about my pregnancy and if someone asks about it and I show excitement, I will invariably get scornful tuts and eye-rolls.

Like I said, I completely understand the feelings of upset and injustice. I have a similar issue with people who have living parents (I don't) - that then moan about said parents. I'd never dream of taking it out on someone as an attack though. This pregnancy has so far been awful because of how other people have reacted.

3littlebadgers Mon 10-Nov-14 13:20:25

Exactly, that is the conclusion I have come to now. I love my DCs and put everything into giving them a happy childhood in a loving home. Nothing else matters to me or DH. My best friend can be happy for us after all she has been through (she now has a gorgeous baby boy) and to her I am eternally thankful. Enjoy your pregnancy and savour every minute of it. It is an amazing time. thanks

twinkletoes2015 Mon 10-Nov-14 13:22:54

Wow Nona, that is bloody awful!

I'm the same as you with understanding the feelings of upset but being upset does not give you the right to upset someone who is pregnant just for being pregnant. I

I have nothing to do with my Dad, that doesn't mean that I kick up a massive fuss every Father's Day and ruin it for others.

ToniWol Mon 10-Nov-14 13:30:39

I've experienced both sides. About two years ago we'd been trying for about nine months with no luck, and there were four pregnancies at work. It became worse last year when I was referred to a Consultant and he suspected PCOS. Shortly after this a friend posted her daughter was pregnant and I howled, but I wouldn't react as you've experienced.

When I found I was pregnant we told close family first (parents and DSis/BiL). I wasn't looking forward to telling DSis as she's had recurrent mcs. She didn't take it well but it wasn't a shouty negative reaction. She eventually came round (as evidenced by the very excited text demanding a picture on the day of the 12 week scan!). They've now been approved as adoptive parents so are just waiting for a child to be placed with them. The other negative reaction was a good friend. We'd talked previously about kids and she and her husband were going through the process of being approved for adoption as she was fairly sure she couldn't conceive naturally due to treatment for breast cancer. Am not sure if this has fallen through as when we announced to friends she had a really bad reaction which upset me, and we've not really reconciled since.

I suppose it's just a case of hoping that emotions will become settled and relations will become easier.

Rumplestrumpet Mon 10-Nov-14 13:30:58

Some very sad stories on here, including yours Twinkle . We've been TTC for over 2.5 years, and during that time it was hard to hear other people's pregnancy announcements, including a very close friend who got pregnant after only a few weeks of trying! I sometimes had tears in private, or with DH, but I never would have shared any of my jealousy or feelings with the couples involved - that just seems spiteful to me! As Original said, they're not stealing my baby!

Having been through this experience, though, I'm probably more sensitive to other people's experiences than I would have been, and so after (finally!) getting our BFP at the weekend, I want to make sure I'm careful how I announce it to friends who I know/guess are having trouble conceiving. But that said, if anyone tries to make me feel bad about finally getting the pregnancy we've been waiting so long for, I will be furious!

Wishing you well for the rest of your pregnancy - I hope this person is about to step back and realise how unreasonable she is being.

twinkletoes2015 Mon 10-Nov-14 13:37:10

Thank you all. I'm hoping she will come round too. I was diagnosed with endometriosis 5 years ago and I have suffered badly with ovarian cysts for years so I have spent all that time thinking I would struggle to conceive. I was shocked to say the least when I got pregnant after 4 months of not taking my pill as I thought it was take years. When she has calmed down, I will explain this to her so she realises that I do understand how she feels to an extent. This is probably why this has upset me so much. I just kept my problems to myself because talking about them made it all too real so this pregnancy feels like my own little miracle.

twinkletoes2015 Mon 10-Nov-14 13:38:17

*would not was

Naomip88 Mon 10-Nov-14 13:43:50

Some of these reactions are really shocking! When i told my sister she initially reacted strangely as she had just split up with her partner of 9 years and she's a few years older than me, she said 'it just makes me think I should be having children'' . This upset me in the beginning as it put a dampener on our happy news . She soon realised this had been a bit out of order and apologised. twinkletoes2015 try not to let this get you down too much, it's understandable for your sil to be upset but her reaction seems completely unfounded, hopefully within time she'll realise that you haven't done this in spite and she will learn to be happy for you. How has this affected your relationship with your brother?

ToriB34 Mon 10-Nov-14 13:44:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TwllBach Mon 10-Nov-14 13:52:51

I have reacted badly when told about others - friends, family, acquaintances etc, being pregnant, but thankfully I've been able to keep it together until I've been somewhere private.

I've just had my fourth miscarriage and every time someone mentions someone is pregnant it feels like I want to lie down and go to sleep until it's all over... and I remember being told that my friend was pregnant last year. SHe had waited until she was 16 weeks to tell me because she would have conceived just as I was losing my third pregnancy. I felt awful that she had felt she needed to hide it from me. Yes I was gutted, but for myself. I was over the moon for her - every baby is a miracle, regardless of how it makes me feel about my own miscarriages.

I hope you start to enjoy your pregnancy twinkle it's the least every expectant mother deserves, I think.

twinkletoes2015 Mon 10-Nov-14 14:01:18

My brother has been great with me, we are very close. We don't have a lot of family so have always had a close bond. SIL has accused him of taking my 'side'. He is just stuck in the middle and said she is a nightmare to live with at the moment. She is well known for being dramatic and wanting her own way a lot. She has also told her friends (that out my friends too) that I'm pregnant and have agreed with her that I am out of order - God only knows what version of events she has told them! It's just stress that I do not need right now

Patienceisapparentlyavirtue Mon 10-Nov-14 14:01:37

So sorry for you, like others have said, please don't let it ruin things for you, stay in your happy bubble!

It took us 2.5 years and 3 miscarriages to get ds1 and that meant a lot of brave faces at various announcements and even harder, second baby announcements... But being sad about it doesn't give anyone the right to ruin anyone else's time. Some people forget that pregnancy isn't a zero sum game, nobody else's pregnancy affects your own chances (and it often seems like the people who have had the most challenge are the most brave about it - my good friend with 14 years of trying was amazing at every single announcement, and said how she thought being pregnant would be her favourite news, so tried so hard to be happy for others... so reading of people here who cried at their poor friends after 9 months let alone your abusive family member makes me a bit sad).

If she is really off the handle, is that her personality - in which case, screw her- or could she be having some bigger struggles, perhaps with depression or another mh issue? Is there another family member you could go to for advice/support?

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