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(8 Posts)
pregnantsingle35 Wed 05-Nov-14 20:44:15

I'm hoping some of you can help me. I'm 35 years old and recently found out I'm pregnant (now 8 weeks). My boyfriend was really happy when we found out, but last weekend he decided that although he will be a dad if i decide to go ahead with the baby he doesn't want us to be a couple, he feels a termination might be best.
I should also say that I've suffered from panic disorder for 13 years and have had many treatments to try and combat it including medication which I've had to stop cold turkey as it could be harmful to the baby. I'm now suffering from extreme panic about whether I'm doing the right thing having the baby, withdrawal from medication (although that is beginning to ease) every day panic attacks, hormones and heartbreak. I feel like I'm going round in circles. Can I cope with being a single mum? Can I cope with the pregnancy? I feel rough all the time, sick, tired, emotional! My doctor has given me anti sickness pills and signed me off for a week as he could see I was a wreck! I also went back to see my cousellor yesterday but sadly there is no miracle cure for panic. I feel like if I could at least get my panic under control I could think more clearly and know that I'd be able to provide a good life for the baby, but right now I'm scared that my panic, fears and phobias are going to stop that happening.
My parents although keep saying it's my decision are also saying they think I'd regret a termination. They are being very supportive and said that I should worry about the practical side of things, they'll help with money, I can move back to theirs long term or short term if I want, they'll help with childcare etc. and if my ex does step up and be a dad I'll have him to help with the practical side too. I never imagined id be a single mum, especially before the baby is even born.
I want to feel happy about being pregnant but I dont. Does that make me a bad person? Does it mean I shouldn't be a mum?
Sorry for such a long post. I'm brand new on here and I just need to hear that I'm not alone.

Bothofyou Wed 05-Nov-14 21:42:50

I am sorry you are feeling so worried about your situation. Obviously only you can make the decision, and it is such a terribly difficult one.

For me, I find making lists of pros/cons helps, and also trying to believe I have made the decision when I haven't really iykwim, so go to bed believing "that's it I am keeping the baby - decision made", or the opposite, and hold onto whether you feel relief/horror etc to help inform yourself.

Motherhood is wonderful and exhausting as you clearly know, and having support makes it so much better. Your parents sound great so you can relax into knowing there is a team around you, and even better if dad is properly involved despite not being your partner. Equally, feel no guilt if you decide this isn't for you. You are entitled to your choice, and you should feel strong and proud of the strength you have taken to come to your decision.

Pregnancy, and I say this during my third, sucks until week 16ish, and then sucks again from week 35ish. Inbetween it is ace. So yes, you can cope with that if you decide to!

Good luck x

LittlePeasMummy1 Wed 05-Nov-14 21:47:56

Hello, just wanted to say that if you feel like you need some medication to cope with your panic disorder, you should go and discuss this with your GP or ask for a referral. For some medicines, the benefits of taking them in pregnancy may outweigh any potential risks, or there is often an alternative type of medicine that is considered 'safer'. All of this should be assessed on a case by case basis, taking into account the specific medicine, the illness, medical history etc. Your doctor should be able to talk this through with you so you can decide together what is best for you. Please don't just accept that you have to be medication free if you are struggling to cope because this may not be the case.

Azrael01 Wed 05-Nov-14 21:49:53

Did you speak to your doctor before discontinuing your medication? It may be that they can put you on something else which will help with the panic and is less likely to cause the baby harm? You need to think of your own welfare too. It may be best to stay on something if it allows you to think clearly about something which is obviously a major decision.

I hope things improve for you soon ! xx

pregnantsingle35 Thu 06-Nov-14 16:51:04

I did speak to my doctor first. It was him that said I should just stop taking them, Not even wean myself off of them. I've been offered no alternative. The only thing I've been given is anti sickness pills and time off work.

I keep thinking I've made my decision to keep the baby but then a whole new wave of doubt, fear and sickness overtakes me. I can't even eat properly. I know that's not good for the baby either!

Thank you all for you support and kindness. I think you're all amazing, I wish I had your strength and I truly hope you all have a happy pregnancy.

KentExpecting Thu 06-Nov-14 18:41:55

Hey, I think it is definitely worth having another conversation with your doctor to see what anti anxiety meds you can take during pregnancy. There are plenty that are safe and it sounds like you need them to stay on top of things. I mean that in the kindest possible way, sorry if it sounds a bit blunt! I have struggled with severe depression for many years and am currently 21 weeks pregnant. Drug free so far, but may well have to start taking something again soon. The dark winter months have never been kind to me...

If your GP is a bit on the useless side, see if you can make early contact with the midwives in your area. They are well trained when it comes to mothers to be with mental health issues and can most likely refer you to specialists. Get the ball rolling and don't take No for an answer.

I think you'll be in a much better place to decide if you want to continue the pregnancy once you know in what ways your panic disorder can be managed for the next few months. Panic + sickness + tiredness + a truly idiotic ex are too much for anyone, so see if you can take item 1, Panic, back out of the equation.

Wishing you lots of strength and luck for the next few weeks, whatever your final decision is!

RevoltingPeasant Thu 06-Nov-14 18:55:02

OP it's so hard to advise someone else in this situation but what I would say is - I am your age and we don't have forever if we want to be mums. That is a potential consideration.

I don't suffer from panic but I am quite an anxious person. If I were you, I'd look at the realities of single parenthood as dispassionately as possible. Do to work? If so, what local childcare is there and could you afford it on your salary and or with some help from XBF? Have you been at work long enough to qualify for maternity benefits?

Do a budget and see how it works out.

Then there's the emotional side. Would your parents support you? Talk to them about how you might need a shoulder to cry on sometimes and company, and can they do that? Are they close to you geographically?

Check out local Sure Start and proactively see what help is available.

You can quite quickly build up a picture of where the help is, what the rough costs are, and work out whether it looks realistic for you.

But if you want it, do it!

pregnantsingle35 Sat 08-Nov-14 21:25:10

Thank you everyone for your advice.

I do hope you manage the rest of your pregnancy without your depression medication, you've done so well so far!

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