20 years old, first pregnancy, 30 weeks. Would love some help.

[Bexism]

I've been scouring forums online with mums in for all of my pregnancy questions and needs since I found out I was pregnant. Figured it was about time I joined one.

I have thing that's been really getting to me since being pregnant:

My fiance (he's 21) and I have been together and living together for almost a year. Having lived with my parents before, I wasn't too used to living an unpampered life when I moved out, and cleaning was always a hassle to me.

I improved, managing to wash up regularly and keep things tidy, but that was during the early stages of my pregnancy. Now it's getting harder and my fiance still does nothing. He'll pick up some things from the shops occasionally, but he works night shifts four days a week and sleeps all the time. I'm really feeling the strain of pregnancy now, but if I want a clean flat, I feel like I should be the one to clean it since he works and I don't. I have to clean, among solving other issues that I'm currently having with the flat (we had to take it as it was the only one bed available at the time. it's pretty unhabitable, with mould, damp, electrics that don't work, single-glazing windows that are a huge security risk.)

It's wearing me down and I don't know what to do. He's painted three walls of the baby's nursery and that's all. Every time I want to ask him to do more, I close up, because I feel like I should be doing at least SOMETHING to help, rather than just sitting around. But I'm sitting here, typing this, when there's washing up to do and clothes to sort out and a bathroom to clean, I'm starving but there's nothing decent in to eat, my back is killing me and he's asleep.

I was pretty spoiled at my parents and so sitting here and feeling like this is making me feel like the loneliest person in the world. I miss my mum and dad and I don't want to feel like that when I've got a fiance I love more than anything in the world.

I'd really appreciate some advice.

[MrsCK]

Ah love. You need to talk to him. It's the only way things will resolve. I hate cleaning and normally DH is the one nagging me to do it because he does so much. It's normal not to enjoy it. But ultimately it needs doing and you both need to share it out. We are going to be writing a list of weekly jobs, monthly jobs and then bi - annual jobs just so it's all written down. Then we can not allocate but have the discussion about who does what. he'll probably wash the windows bi annually but I'll probably do more washing.

you need to talk to him though. It's only going to get harder when baby arrives and it'll be better to have a rational discussion now rather than one borne from frustration and tiredness.

[SilverStars]

Could you ask your parents for practical help - or at least how they manage running a home? If your parents did most things they will be able to tell you what needs to be done, how best to do etc.
It is hard moving out from home if you not used to it.
Can you write a list of what needs to be done every day. As you are not working you can divide your day between sleep, rest time and doing things. I used to find setting a timer for a set time a good motivator - eg in 15mins I will see how much of the kitchen washing up and drying up etc I can do.

Can you ask your midwife for support - she may be able to connect you with a group to support you, or your health visitor when you have our child can offer suggestions of support groups for younger parents ( they run where I live at the local children's centre).

[Bexism]

I actually enjoy cleaning most of the time! It doesn't take me too long if I've kept up to date with it. It's just getting harder to make sure it stays done.

When he does get motivated enough to do something, it's usually just the washing up and he does half of it before saying he'll 'do the rest later' and I just feel terrible sitting down when he does it, like I'm being lazy, but I know how hard it is to stand for too long and I get conflicted.

I've asked my parents for as much support they can give me. I don't drive and neither does my fiance, so they have offered to give lifts. I've already asked them a few times to bring food over when my fiance has gone to work and left nothing for me to eat. They're not happy with him and if they weren't holding themselves back, they'd have lectured him for not helping me out. I want to keep their relationship as stable as possible so when the baby get here, it's not complicated.

I broke down about it in front of them before and my dad told me he was going to bring me back to their house if nothing was done about it. I love my fiance and spending just a day away from him hurts, so I lied and told him that things had gotten better, and I smile for them when I see them. But it hasn't, and my fiance has just gotten worse.

I want to talk to him really badly but I know I'll end up feeling guilty, even if he's only helping a little more.

[kusmile]

It sounds like he can't really put yourself in your place, and you really need to explain to him how the pregnancy puts strain on you and makes it difficult to keep up with housework. You shouldn't feel guilty, being in a partnership doesn't mean a 50/50 split of work (e.g. one breadwinner, one housekeeper), it means giving extra support when it's required, and you really need it. Have you spoken to him about how you're going to manage with the baby? Will he expect you to do 100% of the care? It's probably better to have a discussion about it now rather than hoping can manage or that he starts to help out more.

I'm a bit concerned reading your posts, you sound like you're trying to cope with an awful lot and are hiding your feelings to protect others, and the state of the flat is getting you down. You shouldn't be under that kind of stress, especially when pregnant. As well as having a discussion with your partner, I recommend you go and stay with your parents and get pampered for a few days. You can still skype or chat on the phone to your fiance every night, and it would do you good to not have to worry about meals and cleaning.

Take care of yourself

[Rockchick1984]

Try to make simple changes that will make your life easier... Do a weekly food shop online, you shouldn't need to be asking your parents (or your partner) to provide food for you during the day. Set yourself up a cleaning schedule, with one day a week where you have no jobs to do, so you can save it as a reward to yourself, or use it midweek if you're struggling. Make a list of any big jobs (like the painting) that you want your fiancé to do, and give him the list. Are you council rented? If so they should sort the mould and damp out if you call them.

I understand how tough it is setting up home for the first time (I was also a pampered princess) but ultimately you need to try and form habits now as it'll be much harder to get things done once the baby is here, and plenty of women are still working full time at your stage of pregnancy.

In my first pregnancy I suffered with antenatal depression and one of the things that made me feel worse was doing nothing - the less I did, the less I felt able to do. Your post sounds similar to me, but honestly if you push yourself to do a little bit more you will really notice a difference.

[yougotafastcar]

Hi OP, I'm fairly similar to you, am 22 now pregnant with number 2 but I had DS when I was 19.
I was spoilt at home too (probably worse, I didn't know how to cook a dinner or use the washing machine til I was pregnant!) But DP was better, he did more at home. However, we moved in together when DS was 1year and he seemed to stop doing everything he did at his mums, just because I was at home!

He is still a bit rubbish now, its like he doesn't see the washing up or full laundry basket. The only suggestion I have is stop feeling guilty. You are growing a child! You need to sit down and say "look I'm tired. I need you to help. Can you do this this and this please" He's probably not doing it to annoy or upset you, he's just being a bit blind, lazy and doesn't see the mess the way you do and you just need to tell him how it is.
(And if he is anything like mine, point out the mess often!) X

[Mummywithlove]

im 20 years old, im 34weeks pregnant, been married for 2 years to alot older man, we have 2 children ,one is 2 and the other is 1, i live in a one bed flat with repairs that need doing and no garden, and i do everything, i cook, i clean, i do the shopping, i do the washing, i look after the kids,,,i do EVERYTHING, whilst my hubby sits on his arse,,, but i know if i do everything its done correctley i do find it really hard as i feel like im ready to pop lol,.... so i no how u feel. everyone keeps saying talk to him, easier said than done when hes a sleep all the time or working,, i do agree put ur foot down with him, or just tell him theres gonna be a few changes around here.. and u said ur were starvin but theres nothing decent in.. not having a go but u cant be starvin as u would eat anything if ur starvin

[eastmidswarwicknightnanny]

Just stop doing anything for him leave his washing, his washing up, don't cook for him eat when he is asleep etc etc.

He doesn't need to sleep all the time because he does nights he needs n ok more sleep than someone who works days so 7-9hrs in a 24hr period and yes the occasional 12hr sleep is lovely.

He only doesn't do things because he has no reason to if he is allowed to sleep n do zilch. You may love him but does he love you - love includes respect n seems little of that here.

Perhaps write a list of what needs doing before baby arrives and say ok you have these days off before baby arrives can we commit to getting certain jobs done on certain dates.

Make a cleaning Rota that he agrees to about which jobs are done each day.

Every day now til baby arrives cook something that can be bulk cooked such as curry, cottage pie, Bolognese, stew n have some for dinner and then freeze the rest (buy some foil trays from poundland) ready for when baby arrives for easy meals.