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Terrified and not excited...

(22 Posts)
hippymama1 Wed 29-Oct-14 16:50:00

I only found out I am expecting yesterday - I am 5 weeks. We were technically trying but it happened faster than anyone thought it would - including my doctor!

I am absolutely terrified of giving birth and don't feel excited about the future at all... I feel tearful and slightly nauseous all of the time and can pretty much burst into tears at will. I actually squeezed out a couple just typing that ;-)

I feel like my life is over and I will never be able to go out and party with my friends again and I will resent my child for it and will be an awful mother and the child will hate me forever and I will deserve it.

On the other hand I am equally terrified that something might happen to the baby or there will be something wrong with him / her... Then it will be my fault for not being excited like a normal woman and for being so overwhelmed and scared...

I'm in my late 30s so I know I am really lucky to be able to conceive, it's just too much. I can't envisage what my future will look like. What am I going to do with a baby? What if I don't like it? What if it doesn't like me?!!

My wonderful DH is excited and so happy and I feel like I am letting him down by not being really excited. Is this normal? has anyone else felt like this or am I the least maternal person in the world?

barmybunting Wed 29-Oct-14 17:07:43

My emotions were all over the place when I found out I was pregnant. We had been trying for around a year, this baby is very much wanted but I swung between complete euphoria to "oh my god, what the hell have we done, I can't be a mum!" I honestly think it is normal. It is such a huge life change, no matter how much you want it, add in the hormones, and I think we must all go a bit strange at first!

I am now 38 weeks and expecting DC1 to appear any day now. Every day I still have moments of "what the heck!" followed by utter joy. DH has been excited the whole time, but does admit to worrying about how it will change our life as well.

As it sinks in, it feels less daunting I find. The best thing for it for me has been to find other people to chat to about it all- join the antenatal group on here, chat to friends etc.

pippinleaf Wed 29-Oct-14 17:40:32

I also in late 30s and we'd been trying over a year and I was desperate to get pregnant. Even then, when it happened I spun into a panic and wondered if my life was just fine and I'd miss brekkie out with my husband etc. it took until probably 16 weeks, when I felt the baby kick, to be excited. That's when I believed I might actually have a baby and started looking forward to it.

hippymama1 Wed 29-Oct-14 18:11:06

Thank you both x

I think some of it is just the fear of the unknown - my own childhood wasn't exactly a model to base my family on if you know what I mean, so I have no idea what it should or will look and feel like day to day when the baby comes.

I am ashamed to admit too that I am dreading a sustained period of giving up alcohol - all of my social life and occasions are based around a pub or restaurant - now I am going to be the sober fat one while all of my friends are drinking Prosecco and having a lovely time... I guess that makes my previous alcohol consumption questionable - probably fair. It's still scary though.

Thank you for the tip about the antenatal group - I will check it out now.

At the moment I am crossing everything that I start to feel excited when I can feel the baby moving and have I a little bump.

beth1987 Wed 29-Oct-14 18:43:19

I think that this is a normal reaction, I went funny for quite a while, don't worry!

ladyflower23 Wed 29-Oct-14 19:37:53

I Really like a drink and miss it when out socialising but have got used to going without now, so not so bad as it was. I still have a glass of wine on a special occasion though.

barmybunting Wed 29-Oct-14 20:39:53

I know what you mean about feeling your life will change not just with the arrival of the baby, but also whilst pregnant. I did find that hard at first, but towards the end I have felt I just can't be bothered with socialising etc anymore and my friends have been very good about popping over for quieter nights in rather than going out which has helped. Do you have anyone close to you who is likely to be pregnant at the same time?

MsBug Wed 29-Oct-14 20:54:21

Just like you i conceived very quickly and although I was pleased it was also a shock that it had happened so soon and I had moments of wandering what i had done. Your hormones are going crazy and it's normal to have doubts about something which will completely and irrevocably change your life - you would be odd if you didn't!

I wont lie, giving up booze sucks. I bf dd for 16 months so was on reduced alcohol rations for ages. On the plus side you can view it as an extended detox, your liver will thank yougrin

MsBug Wed 29-Oct-14 20:56:04

Oh and I still went out to the pub when I was pg, I got taxis home with the money saved from not drinking

hippymama1 Thu 30-Oct-14 12:35:02

Hi All,

Thank you all so much... I went out to dinner with DH last night so felt like a normal human being (drinking cranberry juice and lemonade) and we did some daydreaming about the future and the baby so I feel a bit better about things now as I am starting to get a tiny idea of what things might be like.

My friend having her baby in early Jan and I suspect another friend is around the same as me (she is using the same excuses as me for not drinking!) so I am really hoping that there will be someone at the sameish time...

I think I will feel better when I have got to grips with it a bit more and can talk to someone - I am in two minds as to whether to tell my mum as it will be HUGE then but then I will feel awful if anyone else suspects or finds out before her.

I am going to the pub tomorrow - I am on antibiotics for a toothache apparently... ;-)

Thank you all again x

N1982 Thu 30-Oct-14 12:55:46

These feelings are sooo common and will subside soon enough. I had this for a few weeks, it was terrifying and I couldn't stop crying. Once baby arrived all was forgotten x

kitkat321 Thu 30-Oct-14 14:09:55

All perfectly normal!

I had 2 MC's last year and fell pregnant for a 3rd time on first attempt which was a shock.

There was a period when I resented the baby because I felt so crappy that I thought "oh well, that's the end of life as I know it" - and I really like my life as it is.

I'm 35 weeks now and am much more relaxed about it - life will change but everyone tells me it's for the better. I'll still be me but with a baby in tow and I've accepted it's not the end of the world!

OliviaBlue Thu 30-Oct-14 18:07:01

Your baby will love you - it's been growing inside you for it's entire life. Seriously, I got pregnant accidentally with my first and both my DH and I were mostly concerned about our careers and having a good time. When I found out I was actually afraid of how he'd react, but he was the complete opposite of what I expected. He was very happy and proud. And even if you don't have a guy around, it's all about realising that the baby is part of you. Honestly, once you've given birth and they hand your baby over to you, you feel completely different than you'd expect. The love & like will come naturally - it's like an extension of you. Don't freak out about the pain either, you can get an epidural or morphine. I had morphine with my daughter and it really took the pain away from the contractions. Only downside was dry mouth and I threw up afterward.

hippymama1 Fri 31-Oct-14 10:34:03

Hi all,

Thank you so much for your support - I am so glad I found out about MN - everyone here is so lovely!

I am feeling much more positive now - I think it is starting to sink in a bit - it was just such a shock... I thought I would have more time and I wanted a bit more to be honest...

Having had a couple of days to think about it I realise that it would NEVER have been the right time for me - there would always be another weekend, another party, another festival, another occasion to put it off until after... I know I would regret not having children much more than the sacrifices needed to have them so I'll just have to get on with it! Plus, although I am a bit PG bloated, any trace of alcohol and junk food bloat has gone leaving me with a pretty flat tum and my boobs are HUGE! Husband very happy ;-)

I am going to talk about the fear of birth with my MW when I have my first appt but I am feeling a bit more philosophical about it now - it's in there now so it's got to come out, right? Not much point worrying about the inevitable because it certainly can't say in there until it's old enough to vote!

Thank you so much everyone x

foxyfemke Fri 31-Oct-14 10:46:35

Read Expecting Better. It's a fantastic book, which discusses the actual research that's behind all the advice about what you can and cannot eat. It's really worth a read.

The prospect of a baby can be terrifying yes, but your life will adjust. Also, there's family, friends and babysitters for when you're ready to have a childless evening out.

IvegotaCaveTroll Fri 31-Oct-14 17:11:49

I felt really miserable the first 2 weeks even though it was planned. But now I'm ridiculously excited !! Good luck x

Arkkorox Fri 31-Oct-14 18:19:08

Oh god Ive litteraly been sitting here balling my eyes out and even reading about adoption. Wtf am I doing? At the moment I feel like im never going to want this baby even when its here. I dont want things to change! Im not ready for this baby to arrive in 4 weeks at all. And I dont want to be, I dont want it at all. Everyones saying you must be excited and im having to say yes! but im not at all. Im dreading it! I dont think I can do this!

RiverRocks Fri 31-Oct-14 18:46:23

Ark have you spoken to your midwife and/or GP?

If your pregnancy was planned and you've only started feeling like this since getting pregnant, you may be experiencing pre-natal depression (?). Your midwife should have asked you about this. You need to tell someone how you are feeling.

What you have written seems to be an emotional response, by which I mean you don't say you can't afford a baby, or you never wanted to have children. You seem to be struggling to connect to this abstract concept of there being a baby in your bump, which I think a lot of people can relate to, and then feeling out of control.

I hope what I've written makes sense. Please speak to someone and discuss your fears flowers

Arkkorox Fri 31-Oct-14 18:52:41

We only found out on tuesday that im 36 weeks gone. Baby is due on the 24th of November and before last wednesday I didnt even know I was pregnant.

I think Im just seriously struggling to get my head round it.

Knottyknitter Fri 31-Oct-14 19:09:39

I read your other thread, Ark. Can't say its surprising you're feeling like that tbh, especially with such a rollercoaster of appointments and family etc.

Agree with River that you need to talk to someone though. I'd guess midwives will flag you up as higher risk of PND purely due to lack of "getting head around this lead time" but they'll only know what you're thinking and be able to help if you tell them. Likewise your DP, friends, family (if they're coping with the concept yet, too, although you may find they have similar concerns and you need to pull together now.

Keep chatting here, on your other thread, or the antenatal buses (November, penis dragons, whichever you find fits with you best) but you need real time support too. Make sure you get it.

Arkkorox Fri 31-Oct-14 19:21:26

IVe just had a bit of a Raaaaaah at my partner, Ive been trying to give him loads of space to get his head round it without me constantly going on about baby stuff but Ive just said that its enough and I need him now ( I havent seen him since after the hospital on tuesday though we have been texting everyday) . Hes going to come and see me on his way home from taking his dad to the airport. Im feeling like im going through this on my own, but im not. I have him and right now I need him over anyone else.

I have a midwife appointment monday so I think I will have a chat with her about it all too.

Arkkorox Fri 31-Oct-14 19:23:51

Also thank GOD this forum exists. God knows what I would have done without you lot.

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