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Very Scared!

(369 Posts)
Arkkorox Sun 26-Oct-14 18:35:02

After being up half the night reading the forum ive finaly plucked up the courage to ask you guys for some advice. Bear with me its a long one but I really need to speak to people who know.

Im pregnant and going for my first scan tomorrow - at an abortion clinic. Now this was a bit of a knee jerk panic reaction however I have a feeling that Im going to be over 24 weeks. My last bleed was in april and just for 2 days but heavy. Since then ive had no more bleeding but because of being on the large side its not odd for my periods to come and go as they please. I have had absolutley no symptoms at all, no sickness, no sore boobs, nothing. Untill 2 weeks ago when I felt incredibly bloated and then wednesday when i had a leaky nipple. Took a pregnancy test on thursday and it was positive. Went to the doctors on friday and have my scan tomorrow.

Im 25, been in a relationship with my brilliant boyfriend for 5 years. But we are terrified. Currently living appart to save up for a house depoisit but I changed jobs 2 months ago and he was made redundant a month ago. Hes with his parents and im living with my nan as she sometimes needs help in the night if she falls etc.

If im correct in counting from my bleed in april that would put me at about 27 weeks.... so possibly no going back now! Which Im not entirely dissapointed about and neither is my OH, hes been lovely and less panicky than me!

My biggest issue is telling my parents. My mum is going to totaly flip and I dont want to ruin our good relationship especialy this close to christmas. Please say someone else has been in my shoes? Im so scared its going to ruin everything!!!!

jenmcspen Sun 26-Oct-14 18:51:48

Oh arkkorox I bet u r still in shock! I am 26 weeks pregnant at the moment and was genuinely terrified about telling my parents as baby was unplanned. However, they were brilliant, although initially very shocked (as were me and OH!).
Timing wise, in an ideal world we would both be more financially settled etc, with the house in less need of work, but I know it will all be ok and we will make it work when baby gets here.
Hope you are feeling okay and that if u r as far along as you say you are, you get ur head around the shock of it all soon. I felt overwhelmed when I found out I was pregnant at 6 weeks, so can't begin to imagine how u feel!

thesmallbear Sun 26-Oct-14 18:53:42

Why will your mum flip? You're 25 and you've been with your BF for five years. Why wouldn't she be pleased for you?

Are you showing yet? If your last bleed was in April, I would have thought you'd look clearly pregnant now?

jenmcspen Sun 26-Oct-14 18:54:07

Also meant to say, my parents are now very excited about being grandparents. ur mum may surprise you smile
and if u feel like you need any more support, check out the ante-natal threads. I am in the feb one and it is nice to have ppl to chat to about all the random pregnancy symptoms and worries and baby planning xxx

ladyflower23 Sun 26-Oct-14 18:55:23

I have no experience of this but know (as you might already know) that abortions will not be performed after 24 weeks apart from in exceptional circumstances. If you are as far along as you say you could always consider adoption. To be honest though, although your circumstances aren't ideal you are in a loving relationship and sound as though a part of you is excited at the prospect so perhaps you can find a way to make it work. I would think you are more likely to have regrets about giving a child away than keeping it, but I guess all you can do is wait and see what your scan shows. Maybe you are not as far along as you think. I think seeing your baby on a scan may help you sort out how you feel x

Arkkorox Sun 26-Oct-14 19:00:23

Thank you jenmcspen,

Ive now realised what I thought were muscle spasms are infact baby moving. Which ive felt since sepetember (!!!).... so I have a feeling I will be leaving the clinic tomorrow trying to work out what the hell were going to do rather than making the decision to have a termination or not.

Im still very much in shock but there is a part of me thats a bit excited. Ive been broody for as long as I can remember and maybe theres a reason its happened now. Ive had to tell my new work because I work with special needs children and we do have to restrain them sometimes but theyve been fab, luckily theres another lady there whos pregnant and due in feb so I had a hysterical cry at her and she spoke to my boss. So I will still have a job etc thankfully.

Telling my mum is just this huge black cloud over me at the moment. When I had my bleed in april I said something to her about it maybe being a very early misscarridge (how wrong was I!) and she went mental, said she was so dissapointed and how I would be stupid to get pregnant now. Im so scared shes going to react like that again and shes going to turn her back on me, I keep bursting into tears over it. Just have no idea how im going to tell her!

thesmallbear Sun 26-Oct-14 19:06:09

Oh, I'm sorry to hear your mum reacted like that OP. If it was an MC you would have needed support not judgement.

Do the right thing for yourself, your partner and the baby. I'm sure your mum will come round in time x

jenmcspen Sun 26-Oct-14 19:08:02

For me, thinking and worrying about telling them was much worse than actually doing it.
I think most parents just want their children to not have to struggle, and her reaction to what u said about april sounds to me like her just reacting to the fact that ur situation as u said isnt ideal. In real life, very few ppl do have an 'ideal' situation tho, and her reaction to an actual pregnancy may well be much more supportive than u fear.

Arkkorox Sun 26-Oct-14 19:09:48

Thesmallbear - I am showing, but Ive only noticed it in the last 2 weeks and so has my oh. Because im fat ( lets be honest theres no other way of putting it lol) its been hidden up untill now, coupled with the fact im 6ft tall. A smaller bump would have easily been hidden.

My mum just will, I know it. She wants everything perfect, married and owning a house before babies, and to be honest so did we but it looks like nature had other plans.

Ladyflower23 - yeah I know the cut off is 24 weeks and there is a part of me kind of hoping to be over that. I dont think I could do adoption, to be honest I dont even know if I could go through with a termination after seeing it on a screen. The plan between me and my partner was always that if I fell pregnant before we bought a house we wouldnt keep it..... seems its much easier said than done. My friend had a termination about 7 years ago and it haunts her, I dont want to be like that.

Peaceloveandbiscuits Sun 26-Oct-14 19:10:10

Good luck for tomorrow OP!

Arkkorox Sun 26-Oct-14 19:13:07

Jenmcspen - I really hope youre right. Im thinking it might be easier to talk to my dad first, hes had his moments of being a totaly useless dad but I think in this circumstance he might actually be better. Or tell them together. And I havent even got round to my parnters parents. Alcoholic swedish control freak and husband in denial. This is going to be a walk in the park, not!

I keep getting all ' sod it its mine and my OHs life and people have had babies in worse situations, at least im not 14 in school etc' then I get scared again.

Arkkorox Sun 26-Oct-14 19:13:47

Peaceloveandbiscuits - Thank you, at the moment I am halfway between scared and excited!

Arkkorox Sun 26-Oct-14 19:16:21

Im also in shock as to how much pushchairs cost......

WrappedInABlankie Sun 26-Oct-14 19:17:19

Good luck for tomorrow op.

My mum was as you descrive, even to the point where she said she was having nothing to do with 'it' 'it' wasn't related to her and as far as she was concered I was to ask her not to babysit, watch or help because she wan't nothing to do with 'it'. She even left for Cuba 2 days before my DD and I was 18 and single! she came back to me in the hospital and having a Cat-1 C-Section. She brought my DS new clothes as his were to big, hugs, begged me to go out so she could have him everything. It'll be a shock reaction.

If you want YOUR baby then you keep YOUR baby, because it's YOUR's and not your mothers, because it's just that, yours and your partners and nobody else's. If she turns her back on you then that say's a lot about her and not about you!

roughtyping Sun 26-Oct-14 19:20:13

Hi Arkkorox. I was in your position when I was 17 - found out I was 22&1/2 weeks pregnant. Went from a flat tummy to a bump the day after I found out! My parents were good, initial freak out where they wanted to adopt DS and pretend they were his parents but that was a terrible idea. But they've supported me. Believe me, my mum is very much not a supportive mum normally - batshit is a better word - but she has always been fab with DS.

You will always find a way to get through - I have been a single parent, on IS, at uni etc. DS is now a healthy and (nearly always) polite nearly 11 year old. I've trained to be a teacher and have a permanent job. I'm married (not to DS's father). Life goes on!

Good luck tomorrow, I hope it goes well.

PotteringAlong Sun 26-Oct-14 19:21:35

eBay is your friend for pushchairs! Or google nearly new sales in your local area - lots of bargains to be had!

flowers good luck for tomorrow, whatever you discover.

Arkkorox Sun 26-Oct-14 19:25:22

Thank you Wrappedinablankie and roughtyping. There is hope! Its taken a while for me and mum to be close after she kicked me out 5 years ago, and to top it all off weve just bought a horse together! Although im too heavy to ride so she does most of that.

I think Im just so scared of ruining what weve got to be honest. I love how things are now. Maybe if I dont tell her at all she wont notice and I can just pop it out and she will have to deal with it lol.... no?

Arkkorox Sun 26-Oct-14 19:26:01

Thanks PotteringAlong, Will keep that in mind!

stupidlittlegirl Sun 26-Oct-14 19:30:08

Good luck tomorrow.

Id be tempted to say to your mum " im .....weeks pregnant, we are really pleased about it and dont want to hear any opinions otherwise"

Arkkorox Sun 26-Oct-14 19:45:00

Stupidlittlegirl- you might be onto something there. Just don't give her the option to react badly I guess? My granny ( her mum) will be over the moon, my mums just not a baby person at all.

KentExpecting Sun 26-Oct-14 19:45:09

Hey, I'm not sure 'maybe she won't notice' is the best of plans... But I completely understand how frightening it is to tell your mum given her previous comments.

However, this is your baby. And your partner's. And you two have been together for quite some time and you've got what sounds like a really good plan for your future. Sounds like there is a problem with timing here more than anything - yeah, that sucks, but maybe bad timing isn't such a huuuuuge problem?

And your mum... Well, she's going to get used to the idea of being a grandmother sooner or later. Rope in your dad and see if you, your partner and dad can present a united front when you tell her.

From your comments above, it sounds like part of you is ready for this baby - the scan will help you make up your mind. I wish you lots of luck and courage!

whatadrain Sun 26-Oct-14 19:51:58

OP please don't be scared. I had to have the conversation with my mother when in a similar situation. She had to get used to it. Whatever you decide, I really think you ought to tell her. A late term abortion (if you went down that route) would be very difficult and you would need all the support you could get. I will be thinking of you - please let us know what you decide.

jenmcspen Sun 26-Oct-14 19:57:49

What time is your scan tomorrow? Will be thinking of you

Arkkorox Sun 26-Oct-14 19:58:58

KentExpecting- thank you, that's not a bad idea all of us talking to her. She would notice anyway, she's always watching my weight so I'm not sure a full term bump would be snuck past her so easily.

I have all the pros sorted in my head, I'm not going to lose my job, I'm getting maternity pay so I will be able to support myself, my partner is starting his new job next week, I can keep living with my nan and it means she will have someone at home the whole time while I'm on maternity leave, and as she barely gets to see her other great grand children it would be lovely for her to see one grow up, plus she's deaf as a post so a baby crying isn't going to affect her too much! I fully intend on going back to work too. Now just have to say it all out loud.....

Arkkorox Sun 26-Oct-14 20:00:21

Whatadrain - what happened when you told her?

Jenmcspen - it's at 11:45 tomorrow. My partner is coming with me

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