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Wanting a baby after a abortion.

(27 Posts)
Lauracarr55 Thu 11-Sep-14 20:38:07

Hi I'm new and not sure if this is the right place to ask for advise.
I have a 3 year old son and the year b4 last me and oh really wanted another baby. We tried for a year and started to lose hope of it happening. But finally I got my BFP I was so happy we both where. When I was 7 weeks the sickness started and within 3 days It was horrendous I couldn't walk from room to room without being sick. I've never felt so ill in my life as the weeks went on I got more and more depressed I couldn't get out of bed I couldn't eat or even drink without being sick. I couldn't look after my son so he had to go to my mums And the guilt took over me. I started throwing up blood and was admitted to hospital where they said I was severely dehydrated and had torn the lining of my stomach. I was kept in for a week on a drip. They gave me so many different anti sickness drugs but none of them worked not even a little bit. I went home and within a few days was back in hospital on a drip I got more and more depressed and ended up having an abortion. The guilt has stayed with me every minute of every day. I feel so down as a year on and I'm so desperate for a baby but I know if I get pregnant the same thing will happen so I feel like I can never have another child now. It's really getting to me and I think about it all the time. I feel I can't put oh through it all again as he didn't want me to have an abortion and to ask him for another baby I think he would flip. I know I will get some nasty comments for this post but no one can make me feel any worse than already do. I just don't know what to do. I keep telling myself to come to terms with the fact I can't go through another pregnancy.

AllYouNeedIsTea Thu 11-Sep-14 21:21:51

I'm so sorry to read your post. You've been through such a lot. You really were in an impossible situation and it must have been so difficult for you. I hope you've had some support in rl. You say your dp didn't want you to have the termination but was he supportive of you?

What was your pregnancy with your ds like? Did you suffer with hg during that pregnancy?

LIG1979 Thu 11-Sep-14 21:24:49

Hello laura, didn't want your post to go un-replied when it was obviously tough for you to write. I have been going through morning sickness recently (feeling a bit better now) , I had many times when I did not want to be pg anymore. It sounds like you had much more severe sickness than I had and I can only imagine how horrible you felt. Having an abortion must have felt like your only option at the time.

My only question is if you get pg again and feel the same will you have another abortion? If you did get sick again and have another abortion, I would think about the impact on your oh and whether he would forgive you and how upset he would be.

I imagine some people will be sympathetic to what you did once but if you did it again, the sympathy would be quickly lost.

AllYouNeedIsTea Thu 11-Sep-14 21:29:23

And by the way, there's been a discussion going on here for the past couple of days regarding abortion and the fact that posters don't know where to post to get the support they need. mn have agreed to add a new sub-section for discussions surrounding abortion and pregnancy choices which is great. There is an awful lot of support on here for people in your situation, if only the right people see the post. I can direct some of those people over to your post if you like? And once the section's up and running we'll be able to move your thread over there.

Thurlow Thu 11-Sep-14 21:52:00

Laura, we're all over here on this thread if you want to come and talk, as the new section isn't up and running yet.

But you really could have been me.

I have horrible sickness with DD, and then fell pregnant by accident when she was nearly 2. We decided to terminate as I knew the odds of being so sick again were so high and just like you say, I couldn't do that and look after a toddler and hold down a job. I just couldn't.

We want another child. Realistically, though, we are waiting until DD is about 4 and in nursery or even school, so that even if I do end up signed off of work, DD will be out of the house and being looked after by other people.

Please don't blame yourself. You made what was the right decision at the time. And it doesn't mean you can't have another pregnancy - just that another HG pregnancy will take some planning and a bit more support than a standard pregnancy.

Do come and chat on the other thread if you want to, as it is full of people who want to help.

AllYouNeedIsTea Thu 11-Sep-14 21:53:51

With all due respect, I don't think the main thing to consider is how it will affect her dp or how much sympathy people will have.

AllYouNeedIsTea Thu 11-Sep-14 21:55:01

Thanks Thurlow. I don't know how to link to threads on my phone.

PeachOwl Thu 11-Sep-14 21:58:28

I had a termination last year for the same reason. First of all you do not need to feel guilty at all. Hyperemesis gravidarum (severe pregnancy sickness) is a debilitating condition that lots of women terminate due to. I would say the best thing to do is go and see your gp and talk to them about treatment and explore your options first. There is a really good sheet you can fill in and take on the pregnancy sickness support website (sorry I'm rubbish at links). The hg support thread might be useful for you too, just to see what treatments have worked for others.

Also I would recommend asking about seeing a counsellor (there was one I saw attached to my local hospital for women) to work through your options and how you would want to manage another pregnancy. I saw one and she was amazing.

I have 2 children and had hg (loads of meds and hospital trips for both) in both pregnancies so when I fell unexpectedly pregnant last year I was devastated. My dc are 4 years apart so I had time to rest whereas with the unexpected pregnancy my youngest was just 2 and didn't sleep well (up 4/5 times a night) and it was just too hard. I ended up being advised to terminate as the baby and I were both struggling. You might find that a bigger age gap and planning a treatment program (when to start which anti emetics and how long to wait before moving to the next/getting iv anti emetics), as well as planning work/home stuff so you can have maximum rest and support means that you don't suffer so badly. The consultant I saw said it's doable but you have to plan it as much as possible.

I hope that's helpful (and sorry it's so long!). If you need to talk more I'm here. flowers

DanyStormborn Thu 11-Sep-14 22:16:41

I'm so sorry you went through that OP sounds awful. I have such sympathy for people who have HG. I think you should talk to your doctor before you try again and maybe see a councillor about your feelings about the abortion and fears about getting pregnant again. I don't know anything about HG so is might be ignorant but as your pregnancy with your son wasn't so bad maybe that means you could also have another pregnancy like that not necessarily another one like your last one? Maybe if you got medical help sooner and rehydrated sooner it wouldn't get as bad? Maybe your doctor would be able to reassure you or refer you to somebody who can.

Only1scoop Thu 11-Sep-14 22:21:12

Hg is horrific and I can understand why you made that decision.

I had it horrendously with dd drips....hospital ....lasted all the way through.

minipie Thu 11-Sep-14 23:11:09

Oh sweetheart sad no judgment here just huge sympathy, what a horrible time you've had and what a tough decision to make especially without your oh's support.

I have no experience of terrible pregnancy sickness but the advice above about bigger age gap and putting in place a plan with your doctors to cope sounds good. And doing this would also help you to explain to your oh why you think you would be able to cope this time round.

I wish you the best of luck.

WinifredTheLostDenver Fri 12-Sep-14 08:42:07

Am so sorry you had HG and think you made the right decision re abortion.

As others have said, do find a doctor to talk to (if your GP isn't sympathetic, try others!) and see if there are treatment regimes that you could take from the get go to help IF you do want to get pregnant again.

At the end of the day, being pregnant is a risk to your health and you need to balance your desire for another baby with the risk to you, just as you would if it was SPD or pre-eclampsia or diabetes or other pregnancy related conditions.

flowers for you.

Lauracarr55 Fri 12-Sep-14 12:41:03

Thank you so much for all your replys. It's reassuring to hear others have been through similar situations. I have felt so alone about it. I can't talk to anyone as most of my family can't understand why I had an abortion why couldn't i just pull myself together and get on with it. Ppl who have never had it just don't understand how awful it really is. My oh used to say just go out u will be fine it's all in ur headsad he was so angry with me at first when I said I wanted an abortion as he couldn't understand how I could have been so excited and happy one minute and so down the nxt. The nausea literally didn't ease off not even for a minute I had it all day all night I couldn't sleep as I kept reaching every time I tried to sleep. I remember at one point thinking I would rather die than carry on feeling so ill. It seems silly thinking that now as I love my life but feeling so ill took over me it was like I was another person.
I had sickness with my son but no where near as severe. Altho as he was my first I literally stayed in bed for 2 months. Got signed off worked and did nothing. I wasn't as sick I just had the constant nausea. Where as the second time I just couldn't control the sickness at all.
The more I look back on it the more I tell myself I can't go through it again but I just feel so sad that I won't have another baby because of thissad

MewlingQuim Fri 12-Sep-14 12:51:49

I had awful sickness for the first 17weeks. It was impossible to do anything except lie in bed.

If you decide you want to have another baby you should discuss your problem with your GP first and find out about treatment before you get ill. As others have said, your sickess may be less severe if it is treated early.

Maybe take your dp along so the gp can explain how HG is not 'all in the head' but is a serious and well known illness of pregnancy angry

thanks whatever you decide to do.

Thurlow Fri 12-Sep-14 12:58:38

I remember at one point thinking I would rather die than carry on feeling so ill

This is actually what you need to cling to. You didn't feel tired, you didn't feel unwell, you didn't just feel sick - you felt so ill that anything, anything seemed preferable to carrying on.

People who haven't had sickness can sympathise, but they can't really empathise. It was the worst I had ever felt in my life, and it was certainly bad enough that when I saw that positive pregnancy test my only though was "I can't, I really can't, not now."

But as others as saying too, you don't have to write future children off. Your son will change so much and when he is older it may seem more manageable.

But if you decide you can't go through it again? That's equally fine. I know before I had DD I always wanted two children. After that pregnancy, I wouldn't be devastated if we weren't able to have another.

Please be kind to yourself. People on here understand why you made that decision, I promise you, and you are certainly not alone in making that decision. That is what you need to remember. You're not alone, in any way, even if it is hard to talk about it in RL.

AllYouNeedIsTea Fri 12-Sep-14 13:41:10

You don't need to make the decision about future children right now though. Try not to put that pressure on yourself. You need time to get over the trauma that you went through and give yourself time to heal. You suffered mentally, emotionally and physically and it sounds as though you went through it all with little or no support.

You are also allowed to grieve for the baby you lost. I punished myself a lot after my abortion and didn't allow myself to grieve because i thought i had no right with it being my 'choice'. That's not the case though. It wasn't a choice i took lightly or ever imagined i'd have to make.

Once you've grieved and come terms with your loss you may find it easier to start moving forward. Enjoy your son for a while without putting pressure on yourself about future children. As others have said, as your son gets older, if you still feel a longing for a child, maybe find a sympathetic gp to speak to about your concerns and consider your options. And, as Thurlow said, you may come to the decision that you can't face another pregnancy and that's okay too. If that's the decision you make you'll find your peace with that.

If you do decide to ttc in future i sincerely hope your dp and family do some research into HG. HG is not 'just' morning sickness; it is a serious medical condition. You were vomiting blood for goodness' sake. It's not something you can just work through.

I'm glad you've found some support on this thread. Do keep coming back if you need to talk thanks

Darksideofthemoon88 Fri 12-Sep-14 20:02:32

Hello Laura smile

I've had abortion too - though for reasons different from yours. Six months later, I got pregnant with a very much wanted baby. Baby Darkside is now 3 months old and the best things that's ever happened to me. I really understand wanting a baby after abortion because I did. Hand-holding from me - I'm sure some people would judge you for the situation you find yourself in, but I don't.

I understand why you terminated before. Can I ask though - I don't think you answered before - would you terminate again if you had HG to the same extent? If so, what about a chat with your GP (don't even tell your DP you're going if you don't want to) to see what options are available to you treatment-wise?

WinifredTheLostDenver Fri 12-Sep-14 20:05:27

I am sorry that your OH and family didn't cherish you when you were so ill.

buggerluggs00 Fri 12-Sep-14 22:26:12

I had an abortion at 17.... it was the right thing for me at the time, so I have no regrets. Over the years (now 30) I have heard comments (not directly to me) such as if you have an abortion you deserve not to be able to have a baby when you want one.

I know this comes from small-minded individuals, but it must've touched a nerve, as I'm now in the early stages of (a planned) pregnancy & I'm so scared of it not ending well, that I can't get excited or even accept that I am pregnant.

Has anyone else been in this position & experienced similar feelings?

buggerluggs00 Fri 12-Sep-14 22:28:54

Sorry if I should've started a new thread.... I'm new to this confused

AllYouNeedIsTea Fri 12-Sep-14 22:50:22

I'm there at the moment buggerluggs, currently pregnant after an abortion. I feel so blessed but there is a small part of me that feels i don't deserve it and that something will go wrong as a 'punishment'. I've found it difficult to relax and enjoy the pregnancy too.

You know it's not true though don't you? I do when I think about it rationally but very often the irrational side of me shouts louder!

Thurlow linked a thread a few posts back. If you click on that you'll find a thread full of women talking about their abortions.

I'm not much help but i'm here if you want to talk.

Lauracarr55 Wed 17-Sep-14 10:14:42

It's hard as I would say no way would I have an abortion if I got that sick again but then there's no way I would of thought I would of had one last year. We had been desperately ttc and was so happy wen I found out. For the first 2 weeks I was on cloud 9. I hate myself now and wished so much I didn't do it as I would have my baby now! I feel so mad with myself. I think why would I feel different this time tho if I was that ill. I didn't feel like myself at all I was like a different person. I had forgot about the baby I just wanted the illness to stop. Nothing else mattered apart from me feeling better. I feel so low and crave a baby so muchsad

LesleyKnopeFan Wed 17-Sep-14 10:20:24

Laura, my heart breaks for you. Sickness (and mine is just severe queasiness and migraines) stops me from having any more and I always wanted 1 more.

I could not face another pregnancy and had some very dark days during my last one.

Just your post recalls those horrible physical and mental feelings, even though it's been 5 years.

I think you need to get help and assistance in place first. Are you a able to employ a cleaner (or somebody to do it for you), more childcare and research on all the things that can help you.

I tried everything but nothing made it better, however I had friends who took anti sickness stuff and it worked and their babies are fine.

Try to prepare as much as possible, every little bit of help will ease it slightly.

thanks to you. Be easy on yourself.

bakingaddict Wed 17-Sep-14 10:38:13

I suggest you need some counselling first before you make the decision of whether to try for another baby. I think you have too much guilt from aborting your baby, wrapped up with the guilt about doing it against your DH's wishes to be making any kind of decisions right now.

Give all of you some time to heal then decide whether to go for another baby

Thurlow Wed 17-Sep-14 10:48:06

I agree with baking. How you feel is quite natural, but it is also not right - you do deserve to have another child, and if you make plans you will probably be able to find a way to manage the sickness and your family.

Can you call the service you had your termination through? Marie Stopes and Bpas offer counselling after the termination. There is also Arch Trust who can help.

You sound so guilty, which you shouldn't be flowers Please look into the counselling services who can help you.

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