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A question for people who are against facebook announcements

(50 Posts)
Forgettingmyownname Fri 15-Aug-14 12:29:55

Can I just ask, all those who are v against facebook announcements of pregnancies, particularly in view of being sensitive of others, is it just in relation to actual announcements on facebook, or does the same apply to any mention of the pregnancy at all? And is facebook worse than in general?
This isn�t meant to be antagonistic, I can definitely see circumstances where it would be tough to see announcements etc. but given that people put updates about their day to day lives on facebook should pregnant ladies not mention the pregnancy at all, will any mention be seen as an announcement?
An example - We didn�t �announce� second pregnancy on facebook at any point � can�t remember if I was even on facebook with first-, one reason was close friends had just had a miscarriage and we just didn�t want to make a big noise about it, but I do remember much further down the line putting something up about building cot, or some sort of baby prep and suddenly had lots of messages saying 'oh wow I didn't know you were pregnant' etc. These were from the sorts of people I have on facebook who are not close friends enough to have e-mailed specifically but people I had maybe been close to in the past but now are pretty much just facebook contacts (I don�t have a massive number of facebook friends, but a good few fall into this category). Would this have been as hurtful/upsetting?
We obviously told these particular close friends who had had a miscarriage as well as others in person, we tried not to make a �big deal� of the pregnancy but it does inevitably come up in conversation from time to time. I�m just confused as to what is now considered the sensitive and acceptable way to deal with your pregnancy in general and in particular on social media.
My example is probably not the best as as these were close friends and we knew their circumstances, we were able to talk to them about it and about how they felt. The issue for others does occasionally seem to be, you don't know others circumstances so you shouldn't announce for this reason so my example doesn't fit that scenario.
(I know this sounds like I�m getting at people who don�t like the facebook announcements, I�m genuinely not, I just am not sure how you are meant to approach it. ) This is our third pregnancy, there will inevitably be less of a big deal about it anyway, and we won�t be �announcing it� but I would like to know what people think regarding general pregnancy related posts, are they all a no no?

Happilymarried155 Fri 15-Aug-14 12:35:59

Speaking as someone that has has fertility treatment and a miscarriage I wouldn't worry too much. It's all part of life and although seeing these things does tug at your heart strings babies and pregnancy are everywhere, Facebook, the shop, the tv. Obviously it's abit annoying your updating your status 10 times a day about pregnancy related things but other than that I wouldn't worry.

It's lovely you are being so considerate though x

SeaSaltMill Fri 15-Aug-14 12:41:45

I'm not against them as such, but when I was struggling with MC and TTC I found the scan photo announcements very difficult, mainly because every scan I'd had had been bad news and I never got that elusive 12 week scan photo.

I tended to just unfollow people, I unfriended one because it was the day of our 12 week scan on the first pregnancy and we'd been told i'd miscarried and she posted her picture, I couldn't handle it. she wasn't a friend, more a friend of a friend so I didn't feel guilty.

I still don't like the idea of posting my scan photo simply because its an image of the inside of my body and feels very personal. If we do an announcement it would probably be something involving my DSC as they're very excited and spend most of their lives on there (teenagers!).

I don't like the posts from people who ONLY talk about being pregnant or the ones who have those facebook apps that say 'I am now 20 weeks pregnant, baby is X big and has hair etc etc' .

Vicky5910 Fri 15-Aug-14 12:42:19

I have not announced my pregnancy on Facebook because I just don't get why I would. I have put statuses up about resting lots after I had a scare, and the torture that is chronic heartburn so it is probably obvious. I am sure everyone I am close with has been told in person by me or my husband or our parents/siblings and anyone else I'm not bothered about knowing!

Two of my friends have just had their rainbow babies and I waited until they were both pregnant again to start trying again, as I couldn't face telling them I am pregnant while they weren't (among other reasons too). Of course that's me being extremely silly and knowing I have time to do that.
I have found it harder to deal with a distant friend who has been ttc for a long time who was in private conversations on Facebook about my own decision to ttc. It was really hard for her when I fell pg straight away and she couldn't talk to me after that sad it's a huge minefield!

SassehMonsta Fri 15-Aug-14 12:56:01

We decided that no scan pictures or bump photos on Facebook (aside from direct messaging when people asked). We announced with a picture of the dog, as we wanted to tell people in our own way. After barely mentioning it for a while in statuses/updates I have been more up-front about it, as anyone who I knew was going to have issues with it had a chance to talk through things etc, or remove me from their newsfeed.

I have several friends who are TTC and several who have had multiple mc's, and we (DH and I) felt that we didn't want to cause them too much distress. We approached most of them beforehand and let them know. Others have since contacted me and said thanks for not putting scan pics up etc and shared their stories!

Monten Fri 15-Aug-14 13:00:54

There is no 'right' way and of course everyone is entitled to to do just what they like. As someone who has had a tfmr and a miscarriage I find scan pictures utterly gut wrenching though, much more so than a simple 'I'm pregnant'. Because I've never had a good scan. And as another poster said, why would you put a picture of your womb on the Internet?

However, the whole thing of making a big deal of it and doing elaborate staged shots featuring signs or children or blinking cupcakes just winds me up completely. There's a thread running right now....It just seems so self involved. Like they are celebrities announcing to their 'fans'. I find it deeply odd. I'm not a Facebook fan anyway so perhaps that's why.

Anyway, congratulations! You sound very considerate.

Bangonthedoor Fri 15-Aug-14 13:02:50

It's so nice you are thinking about it like this smile

I personally don't disagree with Facebook announcements, it's just my personal choice not to. Also, I think that a scan picture is such a personal thing and I wouldn't want to post that on to Facebook. I think announcements without scan pictures are much nicer smile

I recently put a picture on Instagram of my daughters shoes next to a pair of baby booties with the dates, that was a nice alternative.

When I had a mc earlier this year I felt gutted when I saw announcements on fb, but I also felt gutted when I saw a pregnant lady walking down the street. So I don't think it's just Facebook as a whole.

katiegee Fri 15-Aug-14 13:04:11

I haven't posted so far (I'm 23 weeks). I always thought I would post some sort of cool, creative, quirky 'I'm pregnant!' but it's never felt right...

I'm not against facebook announcements, but I do get frustrated at people who post incessantly about their pregnancy or their babies. I did find the pregnancy announcements hard to read when we were ttc. it happened quite quickly for us so I can only imagine how difficult it is for friends who have been trying a lot longer than we were. I guess part of the 'no facebook announcement' has been trying to be sensitive to friends who are struggling with ttc or who have miscarried recently.

raydown Fri 15-Aug-14 13:18:24

I've been ttc for over 4 years now so in that time I've seen many, many announcements on FB. Sometimes they don't bother me at all, there have been other times when it's left me in a sobbing heap. The feelings and emotions around infertility are not always rational and so it's difficult to explain why someone else's happy news would cause me pain. I wouldn't expect anyone else to hide their news or not announce it in the way they want. I do sometimes think that people can forget on facebook that many other people see their posts and sometimes I think people do act insensitively. Scan photos are particularly hard for me because I've had many, many scans and they've always brought bad news. I do think when someone posts a scan photo that they probably only associate it with joy and I feel a deep pain that I've never experienced that.

Pushonregardless Fri 15-Aug-14 13:18:58

Each to their own I guess. But I have strong feelings on it for my family.

Scan photos are a medical record - I find it really strange that people would post that to the world. And even stranger when you can see the mother's name, DOB, name of hospital etc etc.

We had 2 years of infertility, so I know the pain of seeing the announcements but for us it's more about internet safety.

I think people forget that these images are there online, forever, can go anywhere and you no longer own them.

We're not posting on Facebook simply because we want to protect our child's right to create their own digital footprint. I won't be putting up any baby photos either, for the same reason. I have a horrible fear of my child applying for jobs in 20 years and employers finding photos of her online, brand new from the womb, sucking on my boob. Imagine.

I have a friend who actually created a profile on Facebook for her newborn child. She and her husband both post 'as' the baby. I think it's really reckless.

I appreciate I've gone a bit off topic here!

mrsnec Fri 15-Aug-14 13:24:08

We were ttc for years and had a loss before this pg. I used to get very upset with pg announcements and constant posting on fb I deleted people who were good friends as it upset me too much I also felt like they were just assuming everyone wanted to know. I was very bitter for a long time and still am a bit.

I am now pg myself and was then in a position where I didn't want to be a hypocrite. I told close friends and family at about 16 weeks. I tagged myself at the clinic after a private scan at 22 weeks to see what kind of response I got. I posted my scan pics when people asked to see them because I felt better knowing that people were actually interested.I didn't hide my mc so most people, even those on fb knew.

I wanted to do something quirky really too but since I didn't get any reassurance till 22 weeks it felt too late by then. I don't post pregnancy updates but I talk about it on my wall when people ask, eg, a visitor posted pics with me and bump in them so that prompted bump comments.

Speaking from experience I have a lot of time for those being sensitive to others over this.

magicalmrmistofelees Fri 15-Aug-14 13:27:26

I never announced my pregnancy on Facebook, I'm not 'against' it as such, just feel that if I want people to know I'll tell them personally. And like a PP, would never put a scan photo on. Not only is it a photo of my insides, I also feel it's unfair on an unborn baby to have a photo of them in the public domain! I have many friends who have struggled with mc's and infertility and all have said that it is heart wrenching seeing announcements when struggling themselves, but they are obviously happy for the person announcing.

Elizabeth120914 Fri 15-Aug-14 13:28:27

I have never put anything on and I'm 36 weeks now. Mine has got people on their through my business and friends I haven't seen for years.. I suppose I just don't feel the need to tell everyone my business.. I'm amazed that no one has actually put anything on it that makes it obvious!

piratedinosaursgogogo Fri 15-Aug-14 13:39:10

Whenever I see a scan photo on fb, it takes me immediately back to the moment in the scan room at 12 weeks when we found our pregnancy hadn't progressed. We waited over two years to get that point and after further disappointment we ended up adopting, and are all incredibly happy.

So even though my life has moved on and I'm in a different place, whenever I see a scan photo on fb it takes me back ten years to that moment. Announcements, bump photos, general news, it doesn't really register but a scan photo still has a gut punch.

ChickenMe Fri 15-Aug-14 13:39:37

I think its good to be considerate OP, a quality that's underrated in modern "me first" society.
I haven't and won't put anything on FB. In fact, I've disabled my wall and so has OH so that no one can write on it. That's because I had to tell work and you just know some idiot would write s/t..
My reasons are, firstly, privacy. I hate being the centre of attention and I can't tolerate nosey people at the best of times. There are certain people who are friends of friends who I can't stand and don't want them involved in any way.
Secondly I have several FB friends who have infertility issues. They aren't close friends, not people we see at all regularly but they are nice people and one couple are going thru IVF at the moment. I would hate to cause them any more pain by making a pregnancy announcement.

Heatherbell1978 Fri 15-Aug-14 13:39:44

I don't think there's anything wrong with FB announcements although I don't get why people put scan pictures up, that seems very personal to me. We put up an 'announcement' when I was 14 wks that I was pregnant and we'll do one when baby arrives. I'm mindful not to make every status update about me being pregnant because there's more to me than my bump. I have a FB friend who, for each pregnancy, has posted a running commentary of every issue (2 difficult pregnancies) and actually posted about everything that was happening to her during labour.....sweeps, pessaries etc.....there's no need for that.

yorkiebilb Fri 15-Aug-14 13:47:54

I'm currently 27 weeks pg from ivf and haven't posted anything about my pg on fb. A girl who I used to work with lost her baby days after giving birth and I just wouldn't post anything on fb knowing how gut wrenching it must be for her to see news like that. I just couldn't do it to her.

After ttc for so long and a mmc I still find it hard to read pg news and lots of pics of babies because I'm still petrified it will all go wrong. I'm envious of those women who can comfortably talk so openly on fb about their pg and how excited they are when I am taking each day as it comes scared out of my mind! I appreciate that is my issue though not there's.

I agree with some of the posters that I find scan pics hard to see (even now!). My friend told me she was pregnant shortly after we'd received some very bad test results which she knew all about. She thought the best way to tell me was to send me an email from her unborn child with the scan picture attached. I was heartbroken that she sent that scan picture.

I'm not saying I'm right about the posting on fb, it's just after my own journey I am desperate to try and avoid causing pain to others that are either struggling or unable to conceive.

TinyMonkey Fri 15-Aug-14 13:49:08

I don't really care what other people choose to do with regards to announcing on fb. I decided not to do a big announcement early on, mainly due to my own previous losses.

Like pp I find people who post tirelessly about their pregnancy and offspring a bit boring (and it was painful at times), but they are easy enough to hide.

I think the main reason I dislike using fb for big announcements (despite being an early adopter) is probably to do with my age! I still remember the world pre-internet and pre-social media. I preferred to tell people face to face or by email, it felt more personal. But I'm aware that this view gets more dated by the day. Also, whilst my pregnancy is exciting for me, it's not really that exciting for everyone else (bar close relatives and friends perhaps).

I won't be posting a myriad of baby pics either, just setting up a private password protected blog for those that are interested.

Lozmatoz Fri 15-Aug-14 13:53:34

I've never announced it on FB, but it's more because I'm private and don't feel comfortable doing it. I wouldn't say don't do it as you can't be sensitive to the whole world and you should be pleased with your news and want to, and have the right to share it. As long as you've told the people close to you, go ahead.

You could say the same about an engagement or wedding etc. some people could be offended if they're unhappy in their situation... You sant worry about the rest of the world all the time.

mrsnec Fri 15-Aug-14 14:00:48

It was a very tough choice for me. I do know how it feels. After the apt in my last pg when id gone for my 12 week scan and seen an empty screen I came home to sil's 4d scan pics all over fb and a family round robin email to make sure I'd seen them.

I got a 4d scan without asking for one. It's a very striking image and as well as people on fb asking to see it I then thought why shouldn't I share it? If everyone else is sharing theirs.That and the cliché thumbs up one which I felt better about and also lucky to get. I haven't put any more up yet and not sure if I will.some of the people I deleted before I have refriended and they don't post half as much as they used to about their babies.

It's an interesting issue though, another friend of mine announced her first but not her second. With her second she didn't tell me, her announcement was that she started tweeting her nursery purchases! Can't work out if that's worse.

squizita Fri 15-Aug-14 14:17:21

I talk about being pregnant when it arises "naturally" on FB. I'm a recurrent miscarrier (I am also very open about this).
I announced on FB because I am very proud and grateful to certain charities and my clinic, its such a taboo subject. Everyone was great about it. It wasn't your typical announcement but I felt announcing it was a bridge I had to cross as I was superstitious and anxious.

My main regret is now other people bring it up all the time in a busybodyish way. grin E.g. I post a picture of a nice dress ... Some patronising so and so reminds me it will be many a month till I could wear anything like that. Reeeaaaallllyyy? I hadn't noticed my gigantic belly! I post about a TV show ... Someone gives their opinions on dcs and telly.

TheGoop Fri 15-Aug-14 14:22:23

I went through infertility and announcements on Facebook did upset me but I was intelligent enough to understand that the people posting them weren't doing it to get to me, they were doing it because they were happy and/or they wanted to reach a lot of people in one go. My closest friends would have told me in private anyway because they knew the issues I was having.

When I 'announced' my own pregnancy on facebook I did it while also mentioning the struggle I had and the struggle others were possibly having.

Brummiegirl15 Fri 15-Aug-14 14:38:17

Interestingly I was talking about this last night with DP.

I'm 8 weeks pregnant and when the time comes I won't be putting a scan picture up. The reason being is I had an mc back in May and seeing scan pictures when I knew I should be getting excited about mine was devasting. I felt like is been punched. My view is I have no idea about other people struggles but I know how awful seeing those scan pictures made me feel and I refuse to be a hypocrite .

I didn't mind people talking about pregnancy but it was just the scan pics of people who were obviously falling pregnant around the same time as me. I felt horrendous and all I could think was I should be seeing my baby!!

My announcement is a picture of my cat (who is famous amongst my friends as being a bit of a character ) with a copy of "what to expect when you are expecting" so a bit of fun.

So hopefully when I finally get to that elusive 12 week mark and finally have the scan - I can tell my friends.

That said, not putting a scan pic up is my personal choice because of how it made me feel seeing other peoples - I certainly wouldn't criticise someone that did.

piratedinosaursgogogo Fri 15-Aug-14 17:11:33

but I was intelligent enough to understand that the people posting them weren't doing it to get to me

I don't believe that any of the comments above where people have said that they found announcements/scan pics upsetting implied that they took it as a personal attack 'to get to them'.

intelligent enough

OhTheDrama Fri 15-Aug-14 17:56:21

I wasn't on FB when I had my first two DC's but have since gone on to suffer recurrent mc's after DC2. I'm 13 weeks with DC3 and won't be making any mention on FB. We've told all our friends and family our news this week but have asked that no mentions be made of my pregnancy on FB. I just don't feel comfortable with it being "advertised" iykwim? Saying that, I actually like seeing Pregnancy announcements from others on my news feed, it has never bothered me.

I will be announcing the birth on FB though.

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