Severe Anxiety/OCD - Please Comment

[Louise990]

I'm 33 weeks pregnant and suffer with very severe anxiety/OCD.

Initially I was under midwifery-led care but my community midwife thought it would be wise to refer me to a consultant to discuss how bad I'd been feeling recently. I had my first appointment with a consultant 3 weeks ago and I was referred to CBT. The consultant scheduled an appointment for a review/check-up to see how I was coping which I attended last Thursday (3 weeks later).

I had been to my first CBT session the day before which made me feel more positive about things so I was looking forward to seeing the consultant to explain that things were improving, as well as getting me and the baby checked over as my next midwife appointment was 2 weeks away.

I arrived at the hospital and had my blood pressure taken as well as other checks whilst I waited to see the doctor. Shortly after I was called and seen by a different consultant to last time and she had a student doctor with her too. We discussed my anxiety and how I was feeling and I told her that things seemed to be getting better and everything was perfectly with the baby.

She then wanted to check me over as I expected her to but asked if the student doctor could do it - I refused because I thought it would trigger my anxiety and I'd only just started to feel better. Instead she did it but talked through what she was doing so that he could observe/listen which was fine by me.

The doctor had a good feel around my tummy and checked the position of the baby before measuring my bump and listening to the baby's heartbeat with the doppler. At first she said the heart was a bit fast but it was because the baby was wriggling away from her so much (she doesn't like being disturbed!). She measured my bump again and then checked the heart which was then as it should be thankfully.

She basically did what my MW usually does at my usual antenatal appointments but she was a bit more thorough and heavy-handed than what I'm used to. It didn't bother me at the time because it just felt a little uncomfortable more than anything - it never feels nice when my MW does it but I'm much more relaxed with her.

However, it's been 4 days now and I'm still feeling "bruised" where she pressed on my pubic bone when measuring my bump. Again, this is usually painful when my MW does it but she seemed to press on harder than usual.

I came out of the appointment feeling absolutely fine but now I'm so anxious and worrying that she's caused damage to me and the baby. I feel like I'm back to square one with my anxiety and I'm in such a mess. I regret going to the appointment and wish I'd just stayed at home.

I can't cope with the way I'm feeling and I feel like I've just ruined the progress I was making by going to the hospital again. I've convinced myself that she's hurt my baby and that I'm the worst mum in the world for letting her check me over.

I'm sorry for the long post but I'm really desperate for help and I'm not seeing my therapist for another couple of days.

Thank you for reading x

[Gen35]

If she was so incompetent she would hurt a baby by doing that sort of exam she'd have been struck off years ago, not training up students. You had to let her check you over , if you hadn't trusts her it would be a sign that you were not coping and may have triggered further action. You didn't do anything wrong. Is there a service you can call meanwhile to reassure you while waiting for the therapist? Maybe you should call their office and ask.

[Gen35]

Ps you may get some more help on the mh board. Try and turn it on it's head - in reality you'd have been a bad mum if you hadn't gone to the appt, you did the right thing for the baby and now you have to process the irrational thoughts. Sympathies...

[Louise990]

Thanks Gen35. I keep trying to tell myself that going to the appt was the right thing to do and I even came out of there feeling proud of myself for going to the hospital on my own (sounds daft I know) and for being assertive enough to refuse the student doc. But every time I feel the pain on my pubic bone it scares me and it's just like a reminder that I've failed my baby.

[Louise990]

Bump - Anyone?

[squizita]

i have clinical anxiety relating precisely to pregnancy because of losses in the past so can totally relate. Have you a maternity 'helpline' (either from the perenatal MH team or just midwives) who you could ring? I have often used this facility to 'run things past' them when I am feeling paranoid or anxious, it has been very reassuring.

Most likely the very most 'damage' she may have done is given you a little harmless bruise on your skin, do not worry. I have found I bruise easily when pregnant. But there will be no harm done to your muscles or bones or your baby. If you think about when a baby is born they are pressed through a tiny tube and many have a suction cap or forceps tugging them, but are OK.

If she had not pressed hard, she wouldn't have got all the measurements and then it would be much more worrying!

It is very hard though not to worry. Do ring the MW helpline and explain (they will probably chuckle about how the posh Drs have no gentle touch, but are completely good at what they do) and gain some reassurance from a professional.

You did absolutely the right thing by attending your appointment and insisting the experienced Dr did the examination (also if she was no good they wouldn't have her train others would they?).

[ladyflower23]

Hi op. I have pcs and find pregnancy a very stressful time with all the things there are to worry about. However would like to reiterate what squizita said that babies get seriously squeezed in the birth canal on their way out but are fine. Also they are so well protected inside us an examination is not going to hurt them at all. My friend is a midwife and one of her ladies was hit by a car whilst pregnant and the baby was fine. Also if you are obsessing about your pubic bone hurting it might just be you think it does and actually if you forgot about it that sensation would go away. I don't mean to sound rude when I say that but I have made weird things happen to my body before through the power of my obsessive mind!

[ladyflower23]

That was meant to say ocd not pcs although I probably have that too whatever it is!

[Louise990]

Thanks squizita, your post is very reassuring.

I called my maternity unit and they said that she probably just irritated the area when she pressed on, as that area is quite sensitive at my gestation anyway. She also said that it might be the start of SPD but I highly doubt it because it's localised to where she measured. I hope the pain stops soon so I can put it behind me.

Being the neurotic pregnant lady that I am, I also asked for details about the doctor. She said if I was to go into labour today and required a c-section then this doctor would be the one performing it as she is running the clinic. I feel embarrassed for asking but also reassured! And the fact that she was training a student doc means that she must be experienced.

The baby has been kicking and moving around so I think she's completely oblivious to everything. She probably didn't like being disturbed while the doctor was feeling around but I know it's better to be checked than not.

Why is pregnancy so exhausting?!

[Louise990]

ladyflower23 thank you for replying and also for making me smile with your last comment! I was about to google what pcs stood for before you corrected it and thought "oh god I bet I have that too" lol.

Pregnancy has been very stressful especially since reaching 3rd trimester. I'm so gentle with my bump and panic at the thought of anyone touching it (even the professionals). I forget how resilient and well-protected babies are and when the midwife/doc is having a good prod and poke around I can't help but freak out.

I don't think you're being rude, I completely agree with you when you say that obsessing over the pain in my pubic bone is making it worse and if I stopped feeling anxious and worrying then it would probably fade. Right now I'm feeling pains in lots of places even where the doc didn't touch but I don't give them a second thought!

I once convinced myself that I had a lazy eye and every time I looked in the mirror I could actually see what I perceived to be a lazy eye - I went to the opticians and she assured me that my eyes are perfectly fine but I still panicked for weeks afterwards. I also didn't trust her judgement because she was a locum which kinda relates to this situation too.

I really need to relax and enjoy the rest of my pregnancy. Instead I feel like I'm doing everything wrong and "ruining" my baby by making stupid decisions.

[Louise990]

Anyone else with OCD/anxiety who can help? Sorry to sound so desperate but not sure what else to do x

[Piperlight]

I have ocd and so nervous baby will be affected. Did your baby have any health issues? Or is he perfect? Update please!