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Unplanned, very confused and in need of some help/advice

(14 Posts)
lala85 Sun 20-Jul-14 14:15:13

I'm really just here for a bit of advice as I'm sure many of you here have been in my position. My partner and I got foolishly carried away a few weeks ago and yesterday I found out I'm pregnant. Conception would have been 3 weeks ago today, so thankfully I'm still very early.

We are in the worst possible situation to have a baby right now - we will be moving house in 3 months. My partner is having tests as he may possibly have a heart or blood pressure condition. He has a good job but I have handed my notice in to a job I have detested due to the stress it has been causing me (I suffer bouts of severe depression and anxiety, which have flared up again recently) and I've just started a course to retrain in a field I really want to pursue a career in.

These factor's make our life and financial situation very difficult for the next few months, but otherwise we are really happy as many of our changes are positive and although he still has to have tests he is very fit & healthy on the whole.
We are planning after the move to rent the house out in order to finally travel as we have talked about it for so long, then we will settle down in my new career and start a family in around 2 - 3 years (I'm 28 he's 31 - we've been together for 12 years), when we feel we will be better parents for having travelled and seen the world (this is something that has been an important factor in planning our future - it probably sounds silly but I know I will be a better Mum for having the experience of travelling).

I want to have a family more than anything, it is the most important thing to me when I look at my life as a whole, but just not quite yet. Many of my friends have or are having babies and I've had a searing jealousy at times.

I never ever thought I would consider a termination because I naively thought that if it did happen by accident then maternal feelings would take over and nothing else would matter.

I'm ashamed to say that right now, at this early stage I feel nothing and I'm leaning towards a termination, but could I go through with it? Could it affect my future fertility? Can I cope with the guilt/selfishness of such a decision?

Then suddenly (even as I type) I change completely and have a feeling of how wonderful it could be, we would be great parents together and I know I would love a baby to the moon and back, plus my family would be ecstatic. Circumstances will never be perfect and maybe we can travel with a little one?

I'm completely shell-shocked, part of me keeps thinking that something was wrong with the tests and my period is just late because of my stress levels. I also feel so guilty as I know so many people struggle to conceive, yet it has just happened to me - I should be grateful.

I am trying to let it sink in today, then go to the doctor's tomorrow.

If you've reached the end of this, thank you so much for reading my ramble and any advice you could give me would be so appreciated.

fattycow Sun 20-Jul-14 14:37:10

I couldn't read and not post.
First of all: a big hug to you!
I think you and your DP need to sit down and discuss things. I cannot offer you any other advice, as this is something the two of you need to decide.

amy83firsttimer Sun 20-Jul-14 15:09:43

I don't think there's ever a perfect time and you're in a much more fortune position than others who have posted for similar advice. You have: 1- a steady partner, 2- two incomes, 3- your own home and 4- enough foresight to be worrying. This is more than a lot of people who have a 'happy accident'. Ultimately you two are the only ones who can decide but try focusing on what you DO have rather than what you DON'T have.

frankiebuns Sun 20-Jul-14 20:30:08

I'm not going to read and run, here's my story I met my partner through an internet dating site and we lived opposite ends of the country (he was at uni but his parents lived an hour from my house) I was working a seasonal job which I loved and we saw each other every 3 months for nearly 2 years , in his last year at uni he got drunk one night and decided as he was technically not at uni anymore with no job etc that it wouldn't hurt if he didn't wear protection , I had fertility probs so tbh I couldntg see why id get pregnant (I had pcos and was told I needed ivf) guess what, he had super sperm and the shocking thing happened! I told him and he was very shocked upset etc I decided no to a termination as I thought this was my only chance my job finished he had no job he didn't even have a home. We were in a financial mess bang went us travelling etc my family were over the moon, his not so much! But 3 1/2 years on we are baby number 2 and we couldn't be happier

Charlootle Mon 21-Jul-14 11:17:00

Hugs to you. Couldn't read and run. You're right when you say there is no ideal time but I also understand how hard it is when you have issues like anxiety and depression to cope with. If your GP is understanding maybe talk it through with him/her or they can refer you for support elsewhere. Best of luck whatever you decide.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 21-Jul-14 11:59:09

It might be worth you taking to BPAS about your thoughts and feelings and also your options. Sit down and talk with your DH.

FWIW, I'm 37 weeks and have just moved house and have a toddler. Anything is possible!

LeoandBoosmum Mon 21-Jul-14 12:26:47

Okay, so others will probably disagree with me and that's fine.
Look, it's happened...and I think you're just a bit in shock at the moment. Some people really, really struggle to have a child and you have this gift. is not going to go exactly as you planned but what could be more precious than a baby? There will be time for travelling later...and who's to say it won't be more fun and enriching with 3 instead of two? Instead of looking at this pregnancy as the end of your dreams, why not view it as the beginning of a wonderful new adventure? What makes you so convinced that travelling extensively will make you a better mother?

Here's the bit that won't be popular on MN, I'm sure... I honestly don't want to sound judgmental - you sound like a nice person - but I don't think I could basically dispose of a life to go travelling and then have a child later on when it suited me without being haunted by it (for me, it's a pretty selfish reason to terminate a pregnancy even if you have this idea it will make you a better mother later down the line).
You got carried away - and I suppose that's easy to do - but if travelling etc had been such a priority you really should have taken every precaution to prevent a pregnancy. The life growing inside you did not ask to be put there, you and your partner made him or her. It's not the fault of the foetus, baby, life...whatever term you want to use that you got carried away. I personally could not abort in the circumstances you're describing. Just personal opinion.
And, it's probably rare but I had a relative who had an abortion in her teens and was never able to conceive again, naturally or with that can happen.
Keep us updated.

UML Mon 21-Jul-14 12:29:35


I just wanted to share my experiences as a mum..,

I have three kids currently ... With the first one there were lots of worries, routine, reading up on all the issues... It can feel like that when it's your first one, many things can get sidelined or set aside in the name of trying to be a good mum!

However, when number three came along there wasn't time for all of that, number three had just as much love but from a busier but slightly relaxed mum ..

Perhaps it was due to experience, but I think that you can still have a life with a baby ... Of course initially there will be sleepless nights but things do settle and it is upto you and how you feel to get some things back to normal...if you are upto it!

It's not going to be the same but it will be different with different sets of positives... And if your husband is supportive, it can be made easier.

You can still travel with a child, it will be a different challenge though... Remember that you can send your child to nursery age 3 so you will be able to have some time to yourself sooner than you think!

ACM88 Mon 21-Jul-14 13:08:05


Lots to consider, yes it's a huge change, no matter how old, well travelled, or financially better off you are. Timing could always be a bit better, you may wait and then wish you were younger, so on and so on.

All I can say, I'm 13weeks pregnant with DC1, and I'm beyond over the moon. It was planned, although happened very quickly after coming off the pill, so was still a shock. That maternal joy you talk about didn't kick in until I had my first scan. I was blown away by the image, until then it didn't seem real!

Talk out concerns with your partner, and GP. Saying it out loud is often enough to make it clear what you want. Best of luck x

smallworld200 Mon 21-Jul-14 15:19:17

There is no link between having a termination and future fertility. Perhaps in the past when procedures weren't as advanced as they are now, but even then it's unlikely to have been the cause. I have had two terminations, the second was when I was 31. I decided I just wasn't quite ready and it was a very tough decision. I am now 33 and pregnant and I couldn't be happier. You've got to do what's right for you, all I would say is go with your heart. A termination is hard and you won't ever forget it, but what matters is that you take responsibility for your own decision and don't let anyone else persuade you. It's your body and your life.

Heatherbell1978 Mon 21-Jul-14 18:08:02

OP, I really sympathise as you sound a lot like me. Not had the same experience but I'm such a planner and wanted to tick off certain boxes before babies came along. Thankfully everything's kind of happened the way I hoped for me- I'm 36 having my first but then didn't meet DH until I was 32. I can imagine thinking exactly the same thoughts as you if I was in the same boat but......i don't think there will ever be a 'right time' to have a baby. We were planning for it to happen a couple of years back after a big trip to Oz but then I resigned from my job.....then DH always something getting in the way! A friend of mine now has just got married, is 37 and wants kids but says there's still so much travelling she wants to do but she goes on exotic trips every year and I worry that she'll leave it too late and regret it. I guess what im saying is there will always be 'something' but I think you'll make the right decision and don't judge yourself too harshly if you opt for a termination. I'm very pro-choice and you should do what's right for you.

Redling Mon 21-Jul-14 19:01:07

There never is a prefect time to get pregnant, and having a long term partner, a new house to move to and employment is as stable as you can get. Also I don't see how travelling will make you a better mum, I mean most people haven't had the opportunity to extensively travel for a while. If you mean it will make you a better mum for having got it out of your system, so you'll have no wishful thoughts then maybe. It sounds like you have focused on a tick list of things to do before a family, which a lot of people have, but it doesn't always mean you have to do it or things won't be 'right'. I am 36 weeks pregnant with my first and am actually glad to have the chance to stop a job I've been in for 8 years and take the time to look at what else I could do, maybe retrain. I don't see a baby as a hindrance to this, if anything it focuses me more on what I'll do for the rest of my life to help my family. Also I was trying for this baby and still had a week or so of panic thinking I couldn't do this, so maternal instinct doesn't always step in and help. I'm not anti termination at all, I had an abortion 6 years ago with my husbands baby because we were financially unstable and living in shared housing at the time and we strongly felt we were not able to afford a child at the time. If you want to have one it won't affect fertility later (I got pregnant in about a fortnight of coming off the pill this time) but you list so many reasons why you can have a baby and why you want to have a baby, I wonder if you'll regret it in the future? Anyway, it's a c

Redling Mon 21-Jul-14 19:02:09

Sorry, posted too early. It's a confusing time when you just get a BFP, so take some time to talk it though with your partner and think about what you want. Don't rush it.

AllYouNeedIsTea Mon 21-Jul-14 19:16:36

I just wanted to add, don't get bogged down with how you think you 'should' feel. Yes, some people struggle to get pregnant but that has absolutely nothing to do with your current situation.

Talk to your partner. Write down an honest list of pros and cons. Ultimately, the only person who can make the decision is you. If that decision is termination you will get support with that. You may regret it forever, you may feel relief. No one can tell you.

If you decide to have the baby it sounds like you'll have a lot of support from your family. Your life will change but that change could be for the better. Who knows.

It's such a sad place for you to be and i hope you find peace in whatever choice you make.

Either way, you will be okay.

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