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Surname disputes!

(44 Posts)
Elizabeth120914 Fri 18-Jul-14 22:11:48

I'm sure this has been done many times before but..

Me and OH are engaged this is our first baby. We had always discussed getting married first and I thought when I got pregnant we would get married before baby. At about 8 weeks OH announces he doesn't see any need to hurry although it's very important to me he didn't see any need and thought it was unimportant. I was mega upset at the time and said I don't want my baby not having my name if we don't get married he assured me he wants too. I said fine well it's mine till then he very hurt fully said he doesn't care what it is!! Well at 32 weeks now it never has been mentioned again.

He's been pretty crap all pregnancy he's done nothing to suport me emotionally and been pretty awful. He has a daughter which is another area of huge stress and I've really been through it the last few months. It's been a effort to get him to wash a plate let alone look after me until recently when we had an enormous row about it last week..

Today BIL says what's the surname and he pipes up his!! I said that's up for debate.. He says it's not I say very clearly it is!! Now I'm not happy that a) he thinks it's just going to be his after we discussed it was mine and b) that no mention has been made of getting married ever since..

Even MIL thinks he's been pretty nasty. I don't feel he deserves the name and right now I don't know if we will be together to get married or anything else- he is oblivious.. He hasn't bought it up again either so what do I do? I don't want to be a single parent with a child that's not got my name it's sensitive already as dsd has different names and I don't want to be even more the odd one out in this set up.

I'm double barrelled surname so not triple barelling it..

Basically do I stick to my guns bring it up or shut up and wait till baby is born and tell him it's tough? So far I've really needed his support and he's not given it emotionally at all and it's really put me through it we should be closer surely now and planning a future ?? He just assumes it will all be fine and doesn't listen..

HappyAsASandboy Fri 18-Jul-14 22:16:52

Give your baby your name if you're not married. If you get married later, you can always change DC name if you change yours. Ultimately you have control over the name as he can't register the birth because you're not married.

If he's been unpleasant to live with during pregnancy, do you want to be in this relationship when baby is born?

BobPatandIgglePiggle Fri 18-Jul-14 22:17:40

Stick to your guns.

I didn't, dp decided marriage is on the back burner because we're a bit skint and he's not that bothered.

I hate having a different name to ds and it's caused lots of rows and tears

Elizabeth120914 Fri 18-Jul-14 22:25:00

Thanks ladies smile

I don't think he's bothered about getting married we have a house that's falling down and no money to do anything much. I didn't want a big wedding just a civil ceremony to make it official. The house is in his name for financial reasons and he won't even do a will which means our property we have both worked an paid for could go to the stepdaughter and leave me potless after paying half of everything and deposit etc..

May sound mercenary but I want to protect myself and my child if he's got the name he's no incentive to get married at all.. I don't know if I even want too right now he's been a lot better the last week but he's had 3 months of being a total nightmare so time will tell.

I'm feeling quite trapped with reduced income and prospects for the next year so I don't think it was too much to ask that he just would have done it. It's made me feel quite insecure in the relationship although he keeps saying it's all fine..

Anyway I'm rambling on ..

Eatriskier Fri 18-Jul-14 22:27:04

I don't want to read and run but I've seen this happen a few ways.

Firstly, in my own situation. We got engaged then I discovered I was pg a month later. We decided housing was more important than a wedding so that was put on the back burner. I chose to give my kids his surname as I knew one day it would also be mine. It now is, a little later than planned thanks for DC2s arrival, but its all good. For the time I didnt have the same surname I never came across a problem or anyone strange disapproval. If you're sure you're going to marry him and take his surname then in theory what's the problem? But...

Secondly, a DF in a very similar position to me relationship wise but you with the step kid scenario. She chose to give DC his name. He has now buggered off, is not arsed with his kid in the slightest and now she struggles to leave and enter the country as they both have different surnames. This is a problem as her family live abroad and she uses her rights as the RP to go abroad regularly for her short period of allowed time.

Thirdly, a DF who ultimately knew the relationship was going to fail. So she brought the name thing up saying that she was happy for them all to have the same surname once they got married, but not until then. Caused rows, but then anything caused rows with this bloke and eventually she left after it moved to violence. DC has her surname, and she moves in and out of the country a lot more freely.

So basically what I'm saying is that ultimately (and legally) its up to you. If you will travel with the baby its getting more and more important now to not have different surnames. Though that's only an issue if you think you won't get married and take his name anyway.

Elizabeth120914 Fri 18-Jul-14 22:53:47

Thank u smile

I just don't know what will happen at the moment so I'm not willing to just roll over.

I don't really think il be leaving the country as such but who knows what might happen in the future.

If he was so bothered about it surely he would have bought it up after BIL left?? I've told MIL that he's not having it as he has crept out if getting married and she agrees so I'm not on my own! She thought as we were engaged we would just do it as did everyone else but him!

I think he was overwhelmed but thinks that he needs to make little effort our lives are on a track now and it will happen someday.. Well that's not good enough for me!

We have seen the issues first had with step daughter and names being different it causes big problems and the assumption that you aren't the parent I'm not willing to feel like step parent at my child's school if 5 years on nothing has happened still! For that matter if he doesn't shape up he will be long gone!

It's so sad we were so happy before the pregnancy things are a lot better since the huge row of last week but a lot of damage has been done. If he doesn't like it he can do one I think!!

ohthegoats Fri 18-Jul-14 23:00:10

I am not going to marry the father of my/our baby. It's a joint decision to not get married (not important to either of us), so not exactly the same situation as you, but I just wanted to give you another suggestion for surname.

Boyfriend is double barrelled. I'm single barrelled. We're taking one part of his surname (he chose his dad's surname), and mine, and going to double barrel that for the child. That way we all have different surnames, but hopefully it won't be too complicated in that we both clearly have a link to the child when it comes to admin/travel/school type situations.

I had to put my foot down that it wouldn't have his surname alone. Although to be honest, he was totally fine with it.

Elizabeth120914 Fri 18-Jul-14 23:06:35

Thanks ohthegoats I was considering that..

I'm no great fan of my name but I'm feeling his whole rather bullish immature approach to this is making me stick my heels in more.

Half of mine with his does sound ok but I think he won't like it as he's going to 'loose face' in his mind. There's a lot to do with dsd not having his name but that's not my problem I'm afraid ..

Someone said to me what happens if u split and he married someone else they would have the same name as my child and not me.. I know that's years ahead but it's stuck a serious cord with me.

I mentioned this on another forum and women are changing their names by depol because their babies fathers don't want to marry them - bonkers in my book glad to find some balanced opinions!

Missingcaffeine Fri 18-Jul-14 23:12:26

I'm going to do the same as ohthegoats I think. Name is a big long, but hey, I don't want a different one.

Elizabeth120914 Fri 18-Jul-14 23:14:02

I think that's a really good compromise I think il offer it if no joy I'm going to press ahead with mine. Shame everything always has to be so bloody complicated!!

Loveallmyboys Fri 18-Jul-14 23:23:51

DS1 has my surname as the donor(the only title worthy of him) was a useless prat. I said, I'm having the same name as my baby. When I become 'jones' so does he. I knew full well I would never marry that loser and I've never regretted giving ds1 my surname.
DS2(different daddy) has my partners surname. Our newbie will have his too.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Fri 18-Jul-14 23:31:11

I gave DS my surname because his dad had an affair and left me when I was pregnant. He's never bothered with DS, so I absolutely made the right decision. I'm not saying that will happen to you but you yourself have said your relationship isn't the best, so you need to think very carefully.

As you're not married, he can't register the birth alone - you have to be there. You, however, can register it alone and don't even have to put his name on the BC if you don't want.

To be honest, in your situation there's no way on earth I'd be giving the baby his surname alone. Perhaps call the baby your surname with the caveat that you'll change it to his or double-barrel it if/when you get married?

RitaConnors Fri 18-Jul-14 23:32:29

I would give your baby your own surname.

You need to do something about the house situation. Do you think it's possible that he's not marrying you to keep the house?

basgetti Fri 18-Jul-14 23:50:18

I think in your situation you need to plan for the possibility that you may be a single parent. If you give the baby your name and he bucks his ideas up then great, you can consider changing or adding names at a later date. But if you give the baby his name then you are stuck with that as you wouldn't be able to legally alter it without his permission even if you are the main carer and he barely sees the child. I have seen that scenario happen with quite a few friends and it is very difficult for them.

Bellyrub1980 Sat 19-Jul-14 02:49:09

I'm pregnant and we're not even engaged yet! But then we made the joint decision that (due to age, finances etc) it's more important to us to have a baby first. DP has made it very clear we will get married in the future, and on the basis of this it's never occurred to me to give the baby my name.

It's really interesting to hear it from another perspective and the points on travelling. We would only ever travel together, so with him there, would we have less trouble? We do fly quite a lot.

The marriage side of things doesn't bother me a great deal because I feel totally committed to him regardless, but I would like the same name as my baby eventually (at least by schooling years) and life would be so much easier if I could just call DP my 'husband'.

It sounds to me as though your relationship is on the rocks anyway, in which case I can totally see your reasoning for wanting to protect the name. The fact that he isn't even willing to discuss it is worrying. I think this conversation needs to happen soon because he clearly doesn't realise that, ultimately, it's your choice. He should be buttering you up and making his commitment clear, not the other way around. Even his own mother agrees with you!!

(I must admit I've thought about changing my name by deed poll haha!)

weebairn Sat 19-Jul-14 06:50:25

It sounds like the relationship is far more of a problem than the name.

I am so sorry how shit to have to go through all this when pregnant.

Me and boyfriend are (happily) in married with no plans to be, and the kids have my name. We've never had any hassle for it, for what it's worth, and no ones ever assumed he's a stepdad to my knowledge (he does much more of the child care than I do for a start!) I think it is pathetic how entitled some men get about this issue.

weebairn Sat 19-Jul-14 06:51:01

Unmarried that is! Happily unmarried.

ElizabethMedora Sat 19-Jul-14 06:55:23

I think the travel issue may well change as increasing numbers of families have different names. I do & haven't had problems travelling. But regardless on the OP case I would give the baby my name.

Eatriskier Sat 19-Jul-14 07:09:51

The travel issue is getting worse and worse in a few of my DFs experience (and from what I've seen on here and on other forums). Its to counteract kidnapping apparently which personally I think is stupid because you could still be kidnapping the kid if you shared its surname. Interestingly because of this, South African have issued new guidelines on travelling with kiddies and the necessary documents all parents must have regardless of name sharing or not

From what I've been seeing, it looks more likely this will be rolled out to more countries than there being a relaxation regarding different named parents being stopped.

Bohemond Sat 19-Jul-14 07:45:39

I don't have a problem with giving my child DPs surname but am planning to use my surname as a second second name so it appears on things like passports etc.

ElizabethMedora Sat 19-Jul-14 08:11:16

Mmm, I suppose that's sort of what I mean eatriskier - I wouldn't make the travelling issue a deal breaking point for deciding naming because a) either there will be a relaxation as it is quite common for families to have different names & doesnt actually solve the abduction problem or b) there will be stringent regulations for everyone, in which case you might as well have named your child what you want!

Bohemond that's what I have, partly in the thinking that if DH & I break up then I could move the names along & double barrel (informally)!

Elizabeth120914 Sat 19-Jul-14 08:23:18

I genuinely think he doesn't get there's a problem! He goes to work and pays for stuff and thinks in his 1950's world that's all that's required! I work full time too and do all the house stuff and have been exhausted. I had a terrible time at work and last week totally snapped! His constantly defence is I do everything to complain..!!

His response to me in hysterics (I'm not a crying person) was that I should lie around all day and he would do everything so I wouldn't be a martyr and bitch at him!! He says outrageous things which he doesn't mean but that was it!

We have his daughter every other weekend and a lot of that falls on me and frankly I've had enough of being all things to all people and getting agro!

Since the explosion it's been a lot better but we have been off work on holiday and so reality will be hitting again on Monday.. He has been an awful lot better but one week doesn't repair a terrible three months so we will see what happens.

He doesn't see the issue with the house etc as being one he thinks we are all set now / house baby etc and then will get married whenever I've been in a situation before where it's gone to court and am aware of how these things get messy and I want some bloody security! Legally I would get half but it's the hastle to reach that point!

Hormones are playing a part in all this but I really appreciate the points of view of everyone it's given some really good food for thought.. Let's hope for his sake he continues to behave!

MaryWestmacott Sat 19-Jul-14 08:38:57

Tell him the dc will have your surname, if he wants that to be the same as his, then your surname needs to be the same as his, if you get married later, dcs surname can be changed very easily. His choice.

Re the house, it's a little late but I'm astounded you put your money in without getting any equity. Can you prove you put money in? Perhaps post in legal and see what your position would be if you split.

I know this is a controversial view, but I tend to view any man who has dcs from a previous relationship as a risk, especially young dcs, they didn't feel having children was enough to tie them to their partner once, it won't be enough to tie them to you, you need legal protection, like marriage and being on deeds for property.

Elizabeth120914 Sat 19-Jul-14 09:12:19

I was a mortgage broker so I've made sure the money was transferred from my bank I've evidence of all of that in writing my name just isn't on the mortgage as I was self employed and it was causing a nightmare to get it through quickly. I've got evidence of all the bills I've paid and contribution to mortgage.

Re: dsd they weren't together or even in a relationship which is what causes alot of the problems as she didn't turn up till she was five.. Everything seems to be made ten times worse since the pregnancy we were fine before so partly it's hormones and partly I had some idea he would be much more sensitive and he's remained just like himself!! Why I thought he might find empathy for his enormous fiancé I don't know...

I agree 100% now feel much better for writing it down

Missingcaffeine Sat 19-Jul-14 12:33:53

I spoke to a customs officer last time I travelled through Stanstead and asked him if having different surnames would be a problem when travelling (as OH and myself had been discussing surname options - we are not married). He said no, as long as you carry a copy of the birth certificate. I realise there may be some countries that might not be as relaxed, but a good friend of mine travels loads - mostly europe/usa/or popular holiday destinations and has never had a problem travelling alone with her daughter who is now 2, despite them having different surnames.
It doesn't sound like your relationship is in a good place, so I would definitely advise against marriage just for the sake of same surname. Insist on either your surname/both surnames and if things improve and you get married, then you can change the name.

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