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unsupportive/busy partner

(5 Posts)
Hasle157 Wed 09-Jul-14 20:08:22

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and other mums keep talking about this precious time before the baby arrives and how we should be making the most of it. They talk about making sure there are plenty of random dates to the cinema with my husband, going out for spontaneous meals and spending lots of quality time together before the baby arrives.
Well, I wish it was this easy.

I've had a pretty sickly, difficult pregnancy at times and I haven't been able to do much, but now I'm feeling a lot better and my husband's diary appears to be full. If it's not days at the racing, it's hours playing golf, long days at work, followed by trips to the pub, amongst other various hobbies. I've asked him to make sure he's free this weekend so that we can finally enjoy and spend some quality time together before our new arrival, which he agreed to. However, this was followed shortly afterwards with "it ok if I play golf on Wednesday though?" Through me being pregnant and pretty much homebound, he's carved out this independent lifestyle full to the brim of exciting things that don't include me anymore.

I've explained that he will still be able to do most of these things when the baby arrives whist spending quality time together doing things we enjoy as a couple will be difficult.

He's having all the fun. Any tips to reignite his attention again and ideas to get him to reconsider before making all these independent plans for himself? It's gotten to a point where I'm no longer making any plans for us because I just don't know when or if he's going to be free!

Are other men like this?

redexpat Wed 09-Jul-14 20:53:53

Well mines not, but then other than Cub Scouts and being on call once a week he doesnt have much going on. Is there a household diary or calendar? If not, get one, or set up a google calendar so he can access it from his phone, and start blocking in marriage time.

It does sound like he doesnt quite get what youre trying to say, and you really need him to get it before little one arrives, because the sleep deprivation is a strain on the relationship. Has he got friedns who have small children? Because you say that other mums have said, but if no one has said it to him, he wont get it. Annoying as it is sometimes they need to hear it from someone theyre not married to. Do you have a BIL or SIL or even a supportive MIL you could maybe get to intervene on your behalf?

Pobblewhohasnotoes Wed 09-Jul-14 20:56:04

Have you spoken to him? I mean actually told him.

He won't be able to do this when the baby is born, and if he expects to then he's incredibly selfish. I just wonder OP if when you've had the baby you'll be stuck at home while he's off doing his own thing.

AFergie Wed 09-Jul-14 20:56:30

I gather this is your first baby?
Men can be very selfish, its very hard when you are pregnant.
Also he is probably very scared. I didn't realise how scared my husband was the weeks leading up to the birth of our baby and I felt he was so unsupportive but a part of him was him trying to keep it together!

People always say communication is the key- it is true but with my husband when its emotional situations like this one, talking too much about it can make things worse.

So maybe plan nice things for you to do this weekend, like a good movie at the cinema, a nice restaurant, cook a nice meal together etc and then try and be supportive of him going out for golf on wednesday?

I find the more I tell my husband not to do something the more he wants to do it! Unconsciously he can very childish..So maybe tell him to go for 18 wholes and not 9 and then maybe that will make him think 'Oh that was kind of her to suggest that' and he'll make more of an effort to plan things with you?

You could also maybe try and get into a good series together? Something nice and addictive and boyish like breaking bad or sopranos. If he is active like my husband is its hard for them to just be at home. I know they should just suck it up and sit with us while we are doing all the hard work but the reality is they dont, so try and work around that.. series was a good one for my hubby and I.

Hope he notices your efforts and makes some too... Not long before you have your baby smile


Hasle157 Wed 09-Jul-14 21:35:29

redexpat- really love the calender idea, I'll get one tomorrow and hang it in the kitchen, once I start writing my things on, he's likely to start writing them on too. He's quite good at following by example!

I find talking to him difficult to be honest, he tends to clam up as soon as conversations get a little serious and I think it pushes him further into his little cave! I've been a little quiet with him this evening when he got home for a whole half an hour before he left for the pub and he asked if I was ok before offering to pay for a spa day for me, which was nice, but again it would be nice to do something together.

AFergie- I've found my husband the same, talking doesn't work! We're watching Game of Thrones funnily enough at the moment, usually just one episode a week so I could suggest we watch it more often- or even add it to the calender!

I'll book a meal and cinema date for Friday and see where it goes, I guess he might be fed up of the 'baby talk' so I'll try keeping conversation light perhaps.

I do hope this doesn't continue when the baby is born; there's going to be arguments if it does.

Thanks for the tips smile

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