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Teary, shocked and not coping

(34 Posts)
dingalong Thu 05-Jun-14 10:30:35

Please don't flame me !

I'm in my forties and just found out I'm expecting no 3. We were using contraception and it was unplanned.

I'd just weaned ds 2.5 about 6 weeks ago and was looking forward to having some sleep and moving forward with two kids.

We'd started making plans & were quite happy with 2. Our marriage has been tough for the last few years as we put the kids first but were looking forward to getting ourselves back on track.

I'm unable to stop crying since finding out. I don't want ds to be a middle child, I struggle to find enough time to give dd the time she deserves as ds is really clingy. I really don't want to go back to sleepless nights. I'm worried my marriage won't survive another pregnancy.

I feel so selfish and horrible writing this (but crying cathartic tears I hope) but I have to get these thoughts out. I've been so tired and sick (thought my thyroid must have packed up before I did the test). I'm tired but unable to sleep as everything is racing around my head.

I know that everyone who has problems conceiving or has had pregnancy losses must think I'm horrible and I'm sorry if I'm upsetting anyone.

Did anyone else feel like this or is it just me.

Enaj30 Thu 05-Jun-14 10:48:55

Hi dingalong

Unfortunately I have no experience of this as I am 6 weeks pregnant with our first baby and very excited but I didnt want your post to go unoticed.

Have you spoken to your other half? I would recommend doing whats best for your and your family - some people may agree/disagree but at the end of the day your happiness and wellbeing with your family are what matters not peoples opinions.

It may be worthwhile talking this thorough with your husband and maybe seeing a counsellor?? Sorry I havent been much use but hope you manage to work things out xxx

PenguinsHatchedAnEgg Thu 05-Jun-14 10:58:58

Didn't want to read and run. You are not alone. Many of us on here have been where you are now. People will support you as you make a decision and afterwards. smile

Darksideofthemoon88 Thu 05-Jun-14 11:09:36

You are definitely not alone - as Penguin said, a lot of people on here have been through similar. You need to discuss things with your DP, but you don't have to have a baby just because you are pregnant and you don't have to ruin your family (if that's what you think it will do) just because anyone else thinks you should. You also don't have to make a decision right this instant - whichever way you decide to go, you have time. flowers

Thurlow Thu 05-Jun-14 11:19:24

You're not alone, really you're not. Can you ask for this to be moved to the ante-natal tests/choices board?

As penguins says, there are many people on this forum who have been in this situation and made difficult choices, myself include. Just because you are already a parent doesn't mean you have to have this baby if you feel it will be the wrong decision.

You're in shock right now. Take a day or so, talk to your husband, think about what the choices are and how you feel about them - but always remember that there is no right or wrong choice, just what is right or wrong for you, your family, and your situation.

Please PM if you want to talk to someone who has been there x

Gen35 Thu 05-Jun-14 11:21:37

I agree about moving the thread - fwiw, I completely sympathise, it's a horrible thing to face, an unexpected 3rd child when you think baby days are behind you. Good luck with whatever you decide.

CinnabarRed Thu 05-Jun-14 11:46:21

I felt exactly the same way when I fell pregnant with my third. I had a lengthy thread in Relationships - hang on and I'll dig it out.

grocklebox Thu 05-Jun-14 11:47:49

You don't have to have a baby if its not what you want. Take some time to think about your options, its not a fait accompli.

CinnabarRed Thu 05-Jun-14 11:49:48

Here you go - I got loads of support and advice here:

dingalong Thu 05-Jun-14 12:04:45

I'm not considering any other options, but just wanted to vent my mixed up emotions.

I did the whole attachment parenting, co-sleeping, extended breadtfeeding and am just worn out after 5 intense years of it.

I can't bring myself to talk about it to anyone in rl. I guess I just wanted reassurance that this will pass and some hand holding. I'm having to wear sunglasses out due to red eyes and avoiding friends

dingalong Thu 05-Jun-14 12:05:49

Thanks cinnabar red I'll read your thread. It's good to know I'm not alone, and my current feelings don't make me a monster

CinnabarRed Thu 05-Jun-14 12:10:16

For what it's worth - DS3 is coming up for 3, and (once I'd reconciled myself to the fact I was actually pregnant) I haven't regretted having him for one single second. He's an absolute joy to us.

dingalong Thu 05-Jun-14 12:14:20

Thanks cinnabar red, I've just read your thread.

ikeaismylocal Thu 05-Jun-14 12:16:55

I'm sorry you are feeling like this.

I'm pregnant with a much wanted, planned although not quite so soon! 2nd baby which we never thought we'd be lucky enough to have as it was very hard to conceive ds1.

I felt similar feelings when I first found out I was pregnant, we also would probably be classed as attachment parents, ds was 13 months when I found out I was pregnant and he had never been apart from me other than a very short time, he still breastfed all bloody night and co-slept, I said to dp that the only way I could consider having a second baby would be if ds1 was my baby and dc2 would be dp's baby, dc2 would have formula and either sleep in a cot or co-sleep with dp. This seemed like a completely logical solution in my mind.

I really couldn't see beyond how a new baby would negatively effect my pfb. I think it must have been hormonal because I'm getting used to the idea of dc2 now.

I just wanted to say it's not wrong or abnormal to feel as you do, hopefully your feelings will change overtime as mine did.


Thurlow Thu 05-Jun-14 12:27:42

dingalong I've PM'd you, in case you are on a phone that doesn't tell you you have messages

MrsFlorrick Thu 05-Jun-14 12:29:13

Ding. thanks And brew for you.

I've just had a scare. 40s like you and an almost 5yo DD and almost 3yo DS.

I completely understand how you feel!! I've spent much of this week rocking in a corner thinking I was pregnant (felt funny, took test which was positive but 5 subsequent tests have been negative. Still waiting for AF but pretty hopeful I am not).

I am more than happy with 2. Don't want any more. DS has been a bad sleeper so couldn't cope with any more.
DH works long hours in corporate environment and travels a lot.
FIL has had bowel cancer this year and only just out of hospital after 5 months.
So no way would I be very happy with another pregnancy.

All I can offer is hand holding (whilst waiting for AF).

It's totally OK to feel like this! And understandable too.

VioletBrogues Thu 05-Jun-14 12:38:50

You're not the first nor will you be the last to feel like this. Be kind to yourself as telling yourself you're wrong to feel like this will make it worse.

I would add that you don't have to do attachment parenting unless you really want to. Babies are just fine reared in a way that's easier on you and allows for you and dh to spend time alone away from the dc.

dingalong Thu 05-Jun-14 12:41:06


lynniep Thu 05-Jun-14 12:43:14

<hand holding from me too> I get it. totally. I'm not in your position thankfully, but I would feel exactly as you do. Mine are 7 and 4 now. I just cannot go back to the baby stage.

I was chatting to a friend (not a close friend, but a 'mum' who I talk to at the school gates) at a child's party last week. She and her DH are completely devastated that they are expecting again (He had a vasectomy two years ago). They have 3 young children and #3 was a contraception failure (hence the vasectomy)
They just don't know how they are going to cope, for all the practical reasons, financially, and mentally she's just about holding it together. She is such a sweet woman and she says she is sort of wandering about in a state of numbness.
She said to me exactly what you have said in your post - that she feels selfish and horrible - but she isn't. She is a mother of three that wasn't expecting to go through this again, and knows full well its going to be a hard slog. She is worried and stressed and pregnant with three little people already to look after. Her youngest starts school next year and she was so looking forward to having them all in the same place and being able to do more hours at work.
You aren't alone. Good luck with it x (I'd post you a cup of tea but it seems a little trivial in your situation)

365ThingsToDo Thu 05-Jun-14 12:45:22

I've been where you are, unexpectedly pregnant just one month after weaning DS2. You're not alone.

I wept and wept. I felt doors slamming around me as I realised the sacrifices I'd have to make, the strain it would put on our marriage, the unending exhaustion, and the compromises I'd be foisting on my two little boys.

We went ahead with the pregnancy only after lots and lots of talking. DH was surprisingly excited about having another baby, and agreed (and stuck to) several changes so the child-rearing, housework and bedtimes weren't always up to me.

DS3 is two, and a much-loved, funny and happy member of our family. His brothers adore him. DH and I are closer than ever. It's bloody hard work. We've managed.

flowers and hand-holding for you and your DH (hope he's being supportive?).

differentnameforthis Thu 05-Jun-14 12:46:30

You don't have to do this, op. If you don't want to have another, you don't have to. It is NOT selfish.

I terminated an unwanted/unplanned 3rd pregnancy because I simply could not start again! My body doesn't cope very well with being pregnant & I took great lengths to prevent happening.

I did it because I knew it was the best possible thing for my family. 5yrs down the line, I have not one regret & I am pleased that I made the choice I did.


dingalong Thu 05-Jun-14 12:47:43

Thank you everyone - you've all been really kind thanks

I'll have a chat with dh tonight, I've been too sick & unable to discuss it with him. I had an ectopic pregnancy last year and while he was really supportive he admitted afterwards that he didn't know if our relationship could survive another child.

That's not him being horrible he's lovely. He was just being honest. My obsession with being the best parent I could was very hard. He's been in the spare room since dd was born (pretty much), we'd just talked about moving ds to his own room in the summer and finally getting to share a room again. We'd made all these lovely plans as we thought we were getting our lives back

dingalong Thu 05-Jun-14 12:53:11

I think I'll be buying myself an alcohol free beer and having a chat with dh tonight. He's in shock too & having to take over all child are in the evenings. I nearly fainted and vomited from diesel fumes yesterday while filling car and was unable to take dinner out of oven when I got home as a result

But I'm feeling more positive, crying hasn't stopped but slowed. Thanks seems insufficient to express what I feel due to your kind responses and messages

Darksideofthemoon88 Fri 06-Jun-14 10:59:28

I hope your talk went well, Ding. Hopefully things are clearer for you both now and you can see a way forward.

deXavia Fri 06-Jun-14 11:09:35

Hope your talk went well and you have a clearer head.
If you do decide to go ahead I just wanted to raise the point that being the 'best' parent doesn't necessarily mean attachment parenting.
It's not wrong to do things differently if you have 3 kids to juggle and if you recognise the strain your family and marriage was under before.
I may be speaking out of turn or not worded it very well, but I just got the impression you were putting pressure on yourself that didn't necessarily need to be there. I guess just have an open mind to alternative ways of juggling everything.

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