Negative comments about weight gain

[picknmiss]

Hi all, this is my first ever post although I'm a long term lurker! I'm currently 25 weeks pregnant and all is well so far but I've been really upset by something a family member said last night and just need some advice on letting it go!

I've always been a little bit overweight and struggled to maintain a size 12. I have overindulged a bit this pregnancy (my first) and already put on 24lbs! Last night my family met up for dinner, there was about 9 of us and as I got up from the table to go to the loo my aunt loudly said 'oh my God, even your bum has gotten big, its huge!' She kept going on about it and finally I tried to laugh it off and walked away from the table to the bathroom, whereby she pointed at me and kept saying to everyone 'look at it! Look at it its so big!' My heart just plummeted. Once out of the room I could hear my DB and SIL telling her to stop it but I feel so humiliated. I've tried to brush it off but I feel so ashamed of myself and my body Just looking for any tips on stopping myself dwelling on this and how you deal with comments like that? (If anyone else even gets comments like that!)

Oh and maybe some tips on defeating carb cravings in pregnancy??

[RebeccaCloud9]

Urgh, horrid!

My MIL ALWAYS feels the need to comment on people's weight, including mine. I find it so offensive and humiliating (and embarrassing when she says it too loudly about strangers nearby) but my partner says I shouldn't pull her up on it because it will hurt HER feelings (she suffers from anxiety so I do understand to some extent). However, I really think people need telling that they are being rude if they are unable to realise it themselves!

BTW have NO tips, need some myself!

[htbftm]

its crazy that people think its ok to say such offensive things to people just because they are pregnant! I think some people need reminding that pregnant women have an increase in emotion not a complete lack of it! At a time when an advert can leave you blubbering like a baby, you definitely don't need comments like that! Everyone grows differently tho, so try not to take it heart or beat yourself up about it! xx

[hartmel]

I have no tip but that sounds horrible of your aunt..
Just think that in a couple month you will hold your precious little one!

Congrats and all the best for the remainder of the pregnancy.

[ohthegoats]

I'd have said something straight away. 'How rude!' usually works - I fluster about what to say when people say awful things, so just practised saying 'how rude' - it works! People have no idea how dreadful they are unless you let them know. Just go for it!

[RoseberryTopping]

I've found the best way is to be open and honest about it without resorting to insulting them back (however tempting that may be).

When someone was trying to 'joke' about my weight gain I kept very calm and said something along the lines of "it really hurts my feelings when you joke about my weight. I'm very self conscious of it and when you make jokes about it it makes me feel like shit. I might have put some weight on but I don't think there's any need to be bringing it up and laughing at me, it's very rude."
Make sure it's in front of an audience if you can. Most people would be mortified and hastily apologise, those that aren't are not worth your time and need to be cut out your life immediately.

As for tips on weight gain, I've no idea! I keep most days logged on my fitness pal so I'm aware of I'm really going overboard on treats. I think it's so easy to put loads on with your first pregnancy though. Go easy on yourself. You've plenty of time to lose some once you've got your body back to yourself.

[Em1503]

I experienced similar recently when my boss said something along the lines of 'oh you are getting fat!!' Just completely unneccessary in my opinion! X

[beanynamechange]

Just ignore- and I know it's easier said than done. My theory on pregnancy weight gain is I just don't care... I don't care if I'm 10000 stone overweight at the end of it, il go to the gym, il do healthy eating, and I know il lose the weight.. When I'm pregnant I want to do what I want.. And if that includes 2 or 22.. packets of crisps a day then so be it!!

[TheDudess]

Your aunt is a twat.

I put on four stone with my pregnancy, two of it quite early on despite my best efforts. Sometimes there's nowt you can do.

If she does it again I'd give her evils and say something like "it's that type of nastiness that I really don't want my baby around, so if you keep it up then you won't be seeing very much of the baby when it's born"

[picknmiss]

Thanks for all your replies! I've calmed down a bit now and it really helps hearing some encouraging words. Sounds like my best approach next time (and she has form for this so sadly there will be a next time, Dudedess you're right, she's a twat!) is to calmly point out how hurtful those comments are and then try to ignore. I would dearly love to be a bit stronger with her but my DM is of the same mind as RebeccaCloud9's partner and im not allowed in case I hurt her feelings

I have used myfitnesspal in the past so will get back on that, I do swim 1-2 times a week and do 3 yoga classes a week so I think it is the cakes that are my downfall! I was a runner pre-pregnancy too but had to stop at about 16 weeks because of horrible breathlessness so that probably hasn't helped!

[Twizzletoes]

I had this, people were so cruel at the start as I put a stone on quite quickly. People were telling my husband to stop feeding me so much, I hurt very badly as I have suffered with bulimia in the past. Anyway! My advice is to say 'I'm pregnant - what's your excuse?' Floors people every time. Funny thing is, the mw actually commented at my last appointment that she could see where my uterus is up to as in her opinion, I'm slim. I could have hugged her! Chin up and tell everyone to bugger off x

[whereisshe]

People can be so tactless about commenting on pregnant women's bodies!! It's never ok to tell someone they're fat or comment on their size, and even less so when that weight is what their body needs to grow a healthy baby.

Normal pregnancy weight gain is anything up to 3 stone; you should ask her why she's so ignorant and if she actually believes gossip mag twaddle about preg weight gain.

Or cry. I cried a lot when I was pregnant (usually for no reason, hormones) and hopefully that way she'll get the message - if she's going to be a twat you might as well manipulate her right back.

[RoseberryTopping]

Thing is you're bound to put on weight during pregnancy, really try not to beat yourself up about it. As long as you're not putting yourself at risk of gestational diabetes then you're fine.
Mind you, this is coming from the woman who ate a tub of ice cream every day in my last pregnancy, and countless other treats!

[ruth1104]

Oooh I second crying if you can manage it, that sounds an effective way to show what a twat she's being! This is probably it the healthiest attitude, but I really don't care how much weighti put on this pregnancy :S my backs in agony so exercise is tricky, and not being able to have a large gin and tonic and an ibuprofen at the end of a tough day does really piss me off and make me turn to the cake. Will definitely be using the 'I'm pregnant, what's your excuse line!' since my family are nearly as insensitive as yours!

[Bluestocking]

Bloody hell! What is wrong with these partners, putting the feelings of others ahead of the women they love most while they are carrying their children?
I think a bit of Impulsive Pregnancy-Related Swearing is in order. Next time Aunty Thing mentions your bum, shout "FUCK OFF!" as loudly as you can, then pretend you had no control at all over yourself, it just happened.

[MaxsMummy2012]

The best response you can give is 'I might be fat now but it's temporary because I'm pregnant whereas you being a spiteful twat is, sadly, a permanent feature!'.

Big hugs hun some people are awful but once your gorgeous bubs arrives the weight will come off and you'll have a wonderful new focus.

[picknmiss]

You're all right, the baby is the most important thing and worth a little bit of extra junk in the trunk!

I'm actually getting quite angry reading all the comments everyone has had to put up. What the hell is wrong with people?? It will be very easy for me to cry unfortunately, I'm crying at pretty much anything these days!

[stripeymonster]

I totally know where you are coming from. Last pregnancy I kept getting comments from people, suggesting I looked full term when i was only 20 + weeks. It is hurtful and there isn't much you can do about weight change when you are pregnant. Best to ignore and focus on that amazing baby you are creating xx

[Elastigrrrl]

Picknmiss, you mustn't accept anyone's subjective commentary on your weight in pregnancy - the only people whose views matter in this respect (at all, and in this order) are you, your MW/doc, and maaaaybe your DP, depending on your relationship I suppose.

I speak from the other side of having people comment on me looking a bit smallish; according to the MW, there's no problem at all, but people like to make comments that are totally unhelpful and for a while worried me that my LO was going hungry. In general I think it's down to ignorance. We come in all shapes and sizes!

[Boogles91]

Shes being a bullyy and nothing more! Tell her what you think of her...pick out some of her flaws! I understand its hard when its a family member but my gawd! You get nowhere unfortunatley in this life just shying away. I get that some people joke about but from what you said there a big difference to joking around and what she was saying to you! I would soon giv eher a peice of my mind! X

[microferret]

What a bloody awful thing to say, she should be ashamed of herself! You ought to tell her that what she said was unacceptable and refuse to invite her to your home again until she can learn to behave like an adult and not a toddler or a bully. Pregnant women already have enough to worry about without tactless fools body-shaming them.

If you are a bit worried about your weight and always have been, it could be a psychological issue. I did struggle for years with eating disorders and yo-yo-dieting, and the one thing that helped immensely was CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). I bought a self-help book on using CBT specifically to treat eating issues, and then I did an 8 week course with a counsellor. It really helped me; once you are a bit more in control of eating it is far easier to lose / not gain weight.

In the meantime though, try not to worry. Your job now is to build a healthy baby, not to panic about repressive beauty standards. I'm pregnant too and I have found it is almost IMPOSSIBLE to fight carb cravings. I either eat carbs or I vomit, that's apparently the choice my body gives me. I'm not about to spend all day spewing because society thinks I should have a small bum 100% of the time.

[Darksideofthemoon88]

Awful woman. I have the opposite 'issue': I haven't gained very much at all and people are forever praising me for how small/neat/tiny/cute my bump is . I don't mind, and at least it's positive, but I really don't see the need to comment - or why I should be praised for it: I've had very little control over the size my bump grows to, just as you haven't. As long as your baby is healthy in there and growing well, you're doing a great job. We all gain weight at different rates: you may find that your weight gain slows down later on and it all evens out. If not, I wouldn't worry so long as you are happy and baby is healthy. I'm sure your midwife will point out any potential issues to you, and if she hasn't, assume that you're doing just perfectly.

[squizita]

She is just cruel and nasty.

If your MW is not worried, don't worry. Pregnancy is a condition not a catwalk! Health is what matters.

[squizita]

Dark side I have been asked if I'm so small because somethings wrong. I'm 24 weeks, very average measurements. People are idiots.

[isitsnowingyet]

Likewise what maxsmummy2012 said.

In my first pregnancy I put on a lot of weight because I felt exceedingly hungry all of the time. I remember going to the WRVS shop in the hospital where I worked and buying sandwiches and a cake for after, and the lady serving me told me 'You should really be watching your weight and not eating so much while you're pregnant as it doesn't come off easily afterwards' I did feel like saying 'Fuck right off and mind your own business', but smiled pleasantly and said something inoffensive.

My point is that she was wrong - as I was back to size 12 within a year without dieting or doing anything apart from walking a lot with a pushchair. Ignore your very rude Aunt and enjoy your pregnancy.

[ohthegoats]

After I'd posted on this thread yesterday, my dad asked me if I thought I'd put on any weight. He has a history of commenting on my weight, until about 8 years ago when I had a bit of a meltdown and had some counselling. At that point I sat him down and just told him to stop it. He hasn't mentioned it since until yesterday.

I just replied 'Probably... I don't care though, did you know that your blood volume increases 40% when you're pregnant? Surely that means you HAVE to put on weight? I expect my arse will get bigger later on doing that fat storage thing, but it'll go afterwards, doesn't matter.'

That blood fact diverted his attention enough for him only to reply with 'Yeah, just breast feed.. it worked for your mother'.

First time I think he's ever had a positive response to anything in a conversation about weight with me. Was quite a surprise!