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Is it ok to be selfish?

(9 Posts)
elliejjtiny Tue 13-May-14 19:40:53

Pregnant with DC5 no not many opportunities to put my needs first these days grin.

I've had PND with my others and traumatic births with DC's 2 and 4.

Last time I decided to focus on my needs and told people what I wanted instead of being polite and saying yes come and visit while I'm expressing and I'll sit and make small talk when I want to sleep. Mostly people respected that apart from one person who felt the need to sneak in to visit DS4 in SCBU when I'd said no and talked about it for ages angry. Some people weren't happy about it though and are still moaning now.

Is it ok to do the same this time or is there some kind of birth etiquette that means after major surgery/childbirth you need to pull yourself together and be a good hostess? I'm currently 32 weeks pregnant, tired, achey and emotional and I can't see myself turning into someone who wants to be surrounded by people when this baby comes out. I don't want to argue with people when DS5 needs a feed when they are holding him and I don't want anyones unhelpful comments.

ChaffinchOfDoom Tue 13-May-14 19:44:56

just go easy on yourself; most people do just want to help < shock at your SCBU experience though>

just remain vague if anyone asks re: visits say you'll see how you feel.

livingzuid Tue 13-May-14 19:51:11

Goodness I don't think it's being selfish at all to state what your needs are and the needs of the baby. You're the mother. Your wishes come first. It's selfish of other people to assume otherwise - they aren't thinking of the impact and stress this could cause you. Especially with four other dcs and your dp to consider as a priority. If you develop pnd and I hope not, surely the last thing you want to do is sit around and talking when actually you need to be resting and sleeping.

chaffinch is spot on about remaining vague. We aren't telling anyone anything until after the labour and I'm happy with even immediate family knowing have nightmares of mil swooping in whilst I'm in hospital

RAFWife12 Tue 13-May-14 20:15:13

Definitely not selfish! I haven't been there yet, first child due in August. You have got to put you, your baby and your family first. Everyone else can wait.
Totally outrageous for SCBU to have even let that friend go in and see your child last time. The last thing you should be when just given birth is a hostess! My friend had the policy of "you can only visit if you do some chores" for the first 2 weeks of her babies life.
Be vague for now, and put your foot down when baby arrives.

saranga Tue 13-May-14 21:02:29

Nothing wrong with being selfish. My first is due soon and we aren't telling anyone when I've gone into labour. We'll prolly tell tell family and friends once I've got home.

Ps: at my ante natal classes the midwife recommended we don't let anyone (excluding healthcare professionals) visit or even come in the house for the first 7 days after we've got home. It allows time for bonding and for getting your head together. I am delighted by this advice.

elliejjtiny Tue 13-May-14 21:26:03

Thanks everyone. I just thought I was being grumpy. The SCBU thing was DH's step-nan. she asked DH if we needed anything and DH gave her my milk to take in. I think I was in the loo or pumping as I'd have said no to that. Because she had the milk she was allowed into the building and then she managed to get past reception and onto the ward somehow. Afterwards she kept going on about how she'd seen him. DH and I were not happy and also we felt really bad for BIL who had managed to wait until invited before visiting DS4.

The other thing that annoys me is when people are negative to me when I'm pregnant and then when I have the baby they want to be all over him. It just reeks of hypocrisy to me.

RedPony Tue 13-May-14 21:29:04

This is what I'm really worried about when I give birth. when SIL had dn last year she had people going in straight away and had people just walking into her house to see baby as soon as she got home and wasn't given any space at all! I have already told DP that no one is coming unless invited first and if anyone turns up Un announced they can go home. I expect I will probably want to show baby off to everyone when he gets here but I certainly won't be playing host and waiting on people smile

theborrower Tue 13-May-14 22:04:31

It's not selfish or grumpy at all! It's everyone else that's just thinking of themselves by not giving a damn about the mummy who's just given birth! It's amazing how many people forget the mummy and how knackered, emotional, ill etc they might be after birth.

I said after last time that visitors are banned for a fortnight this time around (had EMCS last time and a baby that couldn't feed). I don't know if we'll stick to a fortnight this time, but I want to be quite firm about a week with no visitors.

Secondsop Tue 13-May-14 22:09:18

There is absolutely no etiquette that says you have to be a good hostess after surgery / childbirth. The very opposite is in fact the case - you should do whatever you feel comfortable with and everyone else can just deal with it and should be respecting your wishes and feelings. Really hope all goes well with the rest of your pregnancy and that you are ok after the birth.

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