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Am I being unreasonable regarding visitors...?

(59 Posts)
jadef Tue 15-Apr-14 10:19:18

I am married to a bit of a mummies boy, but in fairness his family is really lovely and very supportive. Husband is struggling though to understand my request for no visitors following c-section birth of twins - likely to be between 35-36 weeks due to pre-eclampsia and an already 13 day stay in hospital and counting!! Am I being unreasonable to request 24-48 hours before grandparents visit? I figure our world will be slightly upside down for those first few days and I will be recovering whilst trying to get my head around having two new little babies. Ideally I would like a week, but I know there's no way that is going to happen!!! What is fair for everyone?

princessdave Thu 17-Apr-14 10:35:11

Not at all unreasonable! When I had my daughter 7 people turned up at the hospital for visiting time; mum, dad, sister plus husbands mum, dad, sister and her BF. I was tired and the baby was asleep but they all wanted to come in so we had to say well, it's two at a time so you and you, Dad will go out, then you and you.... argh! In the end I told them all to go back to ours as we were being discharged shortly but that was just as bad. I was 28 with a new baby and a sore body from giving birth that morning and didn't need all those people in my house! As excited as they all were I was just shattered.

This time around assuming all goes well I'll say no visitors to the hospital, just my husband and our daughter. Then once we are home and settled I guess they can all descend but as they are all local you can't really say well, my parents first then yours so they all end up coming at the same time....

The very best of luck OP for your c-section and the delivery of your twins! Do what feels best for YOU, it's a major operation and they should all be considerate of your wishes IMO smile

StarsInTheNightSky Thu 17-Apr-14 08:14:00

Not unreasonable at all! DH and I have said absolutely no visitors for at least 2 -3 weeks afterwards, we've said that we'll contact them when we're ready, but that even then it will only be the grandparents for a while. We have told also people that if they turn up we won't answer the door (the not answering bit was great advice from on here) and that the hospital have been asked not to admit anyone.

I'm having an ELCS (well, it's actually now become planned rather than elective due to more issues arising) for our baby after a very difficult and very high risk pregnancy, and DH and I want some time alone just to be in our own little family unit bubble. There is all the time in the world for family/friends to visit at a later stage when you're ready, but you'll never have the time again to be just you, DH and your twins, so I would guard that if I were you. As others have said, you can always change your mind if you want visitors, but it's much trickier to do it the other way around.

I never understand the people who say it's mean, or unfair, or that they find it sad, it always seems very judgey/preachy hmm. You have to do what makes you happy, and different things work for different people.
Most family and friends seem to become baby obsessed at these times and don't give two hoots about the mother (with some exceptions, don't mean to generalise), it's all just an almost desperate need to see the baby first/hold baby first etc etc. I find the competition aspect, that it can turn into, very weird and entitled. It's nice that family and friends are excited, but they need to back off and realise that being supportive of you is more important than what they want, it isn't about them.

weebigmamma sorry to hear you're having complications and that your family are being so selfish and silly. Try to think of it as a positive, that if they've gone silent, brilliant - no visitors and no phone calls, which is what you wanted. Stick to your guns, you're doing what is right for your, they're just being ridiculous. It must be tough though xxx

AlwaysDancing1234 Thu 17-Apr-14 06:23:17

Sorry posted nonsense then!
Meant to say... I echo earlier posters who said don't set an exact time of 48 hours, rather say "we will let you know when ready for visitors"
I made a mistake of telling my mother and family that visiting was allowed after 3pm on postnatal ward, they latched on to this time and literally all turned up at 2:59pm despite me having only had DS a couple hours before!

AlwaysDancing1234 Thu 17-Apr-14 06:20:36

I also echo earlier poster/s who say dput an exact

AlwaysDancing1234 Thu 17-Apr-14 06:16:40

Not at all unreasonable. I'm only expecting one baby and a 'standard vaginal birth' but have already tried to make it clear it will be only me, DH and DS for the first 24-48 hours.
When I had DS1 there was the inevitable "who gets to see the baby first competition" which resulted in half the family turning up within the first 12 hours of DS birth, I appreciate they wanted to see DS but wish they had let me have a shower and some time to ourselves first!

elliejjtiny Thu 17-Apr-14 00:31:27

YANBU. My DS4 was born at 35 weeks by c-section and was taken to nicu straight away due to some health conditions he has. I didn't want any visitors apart from DH and the DC's. Only parents and siblings could visit nicu and I was there most of the time, just went back to postnatal for food, painkillers, expressing and sleep. It didn't feel right to be on postnatal making small talk with visitors when DS4 wasn't with me. However most people were asking when they could visit ds4 and weren't bothered about visiting me. I felt a bit offended! With the way I was feeling whatever anyone said or did was wrong.

weebigmamma Wed 16-Apr-14 22:48:47

Oh and they all got to see him in hospital already. I let them come up and the grannies got to hold him. But it's not enough apparently.

weebigmamma Wed 16-Apr-14 22:47:42

sigh My family have all gone silent on me because I don't want visitors. Baby is a week old and we're out of hospital a few days. He's had 2 doc appointments, I've had to go back to hospital, we're all totally knackered.... today was the first day we've been home that felt lovely and relaxing- spent most of it in bed. I want a few more days like that but now I feel crap for not having family over. I hate being an adult and having to choose my health over pleasing other people sometimes. It's really bloody difficult.

Darksideofthemoon88 Wed 16-Apr-14 20:33:33

YANBU! I feel pretty much the same - and I'm expected to have a low-risk vaginal birth. I don't want any visitors whilst I'm in hospital and not for a few days at home either - aside from my mam and dad who will pop in the day after the birth when I'm still in hospital (optional stay to get help with breastfeeding). Other than that, I want time alone with DP and our daughter to bond and get used to feeding etc. I don't really want anyone else holding her either - feral first-time mother warning lol!

redexpat Wed 16-Apr-14 19:45:10

Stand firm. But bear in mind that you might change your mind. I thought I would want time alone, but I just wanted to show DS off!

SweepTheHalls Wed 16-Apr-14 16:54:29

Explain to your DH that you need the lack of pressure of no visitors, but if you feel well that you will relent. I had no one for DS1, but felt up for visitors with DS 2

Kaekae Wed 16-Apr-14 16:51:05

I don't think you are at all. I had a emergency csection, was exhausted and in pain. I just wanted to have a little time with just DP and our first baby. But my parents came everyday for my week stay in hospital (baby had jaundice) and in the end I had to tell them I really needed to have some time alone to try to rest at least! When I was finally discharged from hospital we got home about 11pm as we had to wait around for a doctor to check baby, but my parents were on my doorstep the following morning at 8.30am!!!! They actually woke us up, I'd been up all night feeding and working out what to do with a new baby so was like a zombie. I know they were excited but I felt like crying, just needed some space! Good luck and do put your foot down about what YOU want and feel is best.

saranga Wed 16-Apr-14 16:38:26

I've been talking about this with my fella. We've decided not to tell anyone that I'm in labour, or that I've had the kid, until i'm back home. We are going to tell people in advance that we want at least 2 days to ourselves at home before we have any visitors.

My mother will go mental at this but quite frankly it's not up to her - it's ours. If I was to tell her that I'd gone into Labour she'd be hanging around and barging in as soon as she could. To manage her and to give myself piece of mind I'm banning all visitors for at least 2 days.

OP, you are not being mean, you do what you think is best for you, your kid and your partner.

goofygoober Wed 16-Apr-14 14:55:32

Not unreasonable, at all. You are going to need your family time. I had 37wk twins and the 'out-laws' were in hospital within an hour. My two were taken straight to SCBU, one of them rushed, so I didn't even get to see his face ;( ExH took them all down to SCBU to peer at them before I had even seen them. I was devastated. Still reeling about this 14 yrs on angry I so wish we had given clear guidelines, I was exhausted and so fed up with everyone marching in.

That said, it was FAR worse at home, I do agree that organised hospital visits are easier on new mums, they are restricted - in and then out!

Good luck, having twins was and is such a joy for us, enjoy smile

bugoven Wed 16-Apr-14 14:55:14

I think 24-48 hours is absolutely reasonable and a good compromise. We have decided to not let anyone know when I go into labour and then let grandparents etc. know they are welcome to visit once the doc has done the rounds, all settled/stitched/ washed off etc. and we will let them know when that is. This is about you and your new little family and those first moments will be precious so have them exactly how you want them to be. DM has already cried for hours because when she asked to be at the birth. I said "no". I was shocked as I don't think we have that sort of relationship. She feels "rejected and unwanted" but at least, like you, I am setting a precedent for my little family: You are welcome and we can't wait to meet you but when is right for us.

Thurlow Wed 16-Apr-14 14:47:13

It's not unreasonable, no, especially not when you know the twins will be early and you are all going to be a bit under the weather.

Though as some other posters have said, I'm sure the GPs will be desperate to meet their little ones.

Are they nearby? Do you know if the babies might need to spend a day or two in SCBU just for a bit extra help?

I'm just trying to work out if there is a chance the GPs can pop in the see the babies for five minutes without disturbing you? I'm just thinking that my LO was in SCBU for a few days but was well enough for visitors to come and peer and have a two minute cuddle.

ithoughtofitfirst Wed 16-Apr-14 14:40:49

Tough one this. If I was a mil I would totally understand but I would be completely gutted. This coming from woman who pretty much can't stand her mil.

Why not just, when the time comes, explain how exhausted you are and would they mind giving you a day or two? Rather than pre-tetching about it?

I actually was more tired after I got home because then I'd had days of fuck all sleep rather than just the previous night. And then I really cba to see people. Especially when they ask if youve got any biscuits to go with their cuppa. Cheek!

weebigmamma Wed 16-Apr-14 14:27:12

Not mean at all. I was taken back to hospital last night with high blood pressure. Let out hours later but it has solidified my feelings about visitors- they'll just have to be upset about it because I need the rest. Having a baby is no picnic, even if it all goes really well, it takes a huge toll on your body xxx

mopsytop Wed 16-Apr-14 14:25:51

And even if it WAS a single 'normal' VB, why would it be selfish to want 48 hours to yourself to get used to your new family together? This is not about other people. It is about what the new mother feels/wants for herself. I think people forget how tiring pregnancy/labour/first few weeks of tiny baby are. If someone wants visitors etc. then that's fine, but if they don't, that's fine too. I would say it is more selfish of anyone else demanding to see the baby before the mother feels ready to see them. Or holding the baby for ages when the mother clearly isn't happy about/comfortable with it. Or being happy to have the mother make lunch/dinner/numerous cups of tea having recently given birth and in extremely tired state which has happened to so many people I know.

elQuintoConyo Wed 16-Apr-14 14:24:58

I has visitors in the hospital after tough forceps birth. I was in for 4 days.
I'm abroad. My DF flew in and got the hospital ten minutes before I was discharged. He was here 3 days, in our tiny 2-bed flat. We (our little family) had one night alone, then my DM flew in for 3 weeks. She didn't lift a fucking finger. 3 weeks.
Did I mention it was a tiny flat?
And DS had colic.
Hells tits, if we had another dc we'd hibernate for a month!

squizita Wed 16-Apr-14 14:05:34

"When" not "even" stupid phone.

And the bowel op - yeah gross analogy but know someone who had one and it was likened in recovery to a c section. When we were being asked not to descend on the hospital ie that was the nurses point!

squizita Wed 16-Apr-14 14:02:24

For the people saying "mean" - would you expect someone who had say a bowel op, with a severe blood pressure condition to be chipper straight after?

Babies are magical, but not literally. They can't magic away the recovery needed from a major operation. OP is a human with medical needs! Plus her babies might be under special care... Something wonderful to have even needed but stressful of course. The 3 of them will be more likely patients needing medical help etc.

Its not the same as a singleton "normal" VB.

MrsMillions Wed 16-Apr-14 12:49:58

YANBU about wanting your space, and from experience definitely right to have this conversation now! But don't commit to 48 hours - or they'll come whether at home or in hospital on the dot and you may not be ready in fact. "We'll let you know" is excellent advice - stress the priorities are babies' health and feeding, and your recovery from the op, and everything/everyone else depends on how those are going

livingzuid Wed 16-Apr-14 12:49:39

Mean? confused Isn't it up to her when she is ready to have visitors? It's her and her partners baby not anyone else's. The selfishness of people around a newborn and the parents makes me shock

I will be in hospital for at least a week after the birth as I am at high risk of a manic or pnd episode (bipolar) and will be on high doses of medication. Do I want to make small talk with my very nice but overexcited in laws (dh is also a mummy's boy and they live round the corner), do I hell. They will see the baby when I am ready and not a moment before. Particularly as the only other people I could contemplate seeing aside from dh are my own parents who have to fly in and won't be there until 2 weeks after. And even then it would be in small doses!

You are not being unreasonable at all. You might want visitors you might not. See how it all goes and how you feel but tell your dh to tell them to not expect to meet the new arrivals until they are given the OK and that could be a few days at least.

feesh Wed 16-Apr-14 12:36:24

Having twins is a whole different ball game to having a singleton. There is no downtime, absolutely none. It is constant and relentless and any time you do get is extremely precious. You hardly even get to cuddle your own babies.

Not to mention the fact that 35-weekers are going to bring extra challenges.

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