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Am I being unreasonable regarding visitors...?

(59 Posts)
jadef Tue 15-Apr-14 10:19:18

I am married to a bit of a mummies boy, but in fairness his family is really lovely and very supportive. Husband is struggling though to understand my request for no visitors following c-section birth of twins - likely to be between 35-36 weeks due to pre-eclampsia and an already 13 day stay in hospital and counting!! Am I being unreasonable to request 24-48 hours before grandparents visit? I figure our world will be slightly upside down for those first few days and I will be recovering whilst trying to get my head around having two new little babies. Ideally I would like a week, but I know there's no way that is going to happen!!! What is fair for everyone?

BingoWingsBeGone Tue 15-Apr-14 22:45:25

I hid in the local cottage hospital for a week post CS grin

Do what you want and sod them would be my advice

TransatlanticCityGirl Tue 15-Apr-14 22:46:46

Not at all. I didn't want visitors following DD's birth. I was in hospital for nearly 3 days, and in-laws visited us at home on day 4.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Wed 16-Apr-14 06:37:17

I second that hospital might be a good place to have visitors, as they can't come for long or expect you to host them. Maybe for now stick with "we will let you know when we're ready for visitors, we know you want to come, so there's no need to ask".

EeeekItsTwins Wed 16-Apr-14 08:34:42

You're not being unreasonable.

I'm hoping for a VB with my twins but have been told by the consultant to expect to be in longer than for a single baby. I'm planning on no visitors at hospital - I've had a bad experience of being descended on an hour after giving birth, despite me saying I wanted a week without visitors. This time I'll make it clear to midwives!

Also what happens with visitors if your twins are in special care (not wanting to scare, but 35week twins and pre-eclampsia may well mean special care is needed)? Do you know the hospital's policy?

In your position I'd say you'll call when you're ready, but you expect to need at least a few days to recover a bit from the op and find out how the babies are. Good luck.

IDontDoIroning Wed 16-Apr-14 08:54:25

I think you might be being a little mean. One poster above banned her parents/in laws but let her friends come visit. That's mean too. Disclaimer - I don't know your mil's.

If you are in hospital for a few days after birth could you have a visit then. It would be easier to manage as you could have a word with midwives and ensure that they weren't allowed to overstay / upset the babies. And there would be no expectation that you would be making tea etc as you would be in a hospital bed.
They would have seen the babies and then quite reasonably once home you could enforce a no visitors rule for a week or so.

Morgause Wed 16-Apr-14 08:57:11

I think you're being a bit mean. Let them visit in hospital where time is limited.

I'm sure you'll be very glad of family support as the children grow - get off to a good start.

EeeekItsTwins Wed 16-Apr-14 09:23:07

Eh? I can't believe the posts above!

OP, you've been through a twin pregnancy, have pre-eclampsia, had a long hospital stay already and are facing major surgery and delivery of TWO PREM babies who will almost certainly need some extra care, and feeding will also be harder to establish. Pre-eclampsia often gets worse for a day or two after delivery before you recover.

You are not being mean for asking for 24-48 hours before visitors!! Your choice, but absolutely no-one who thinks about it (or been in anything like your position) will think you're mean!!!

EeeekItsTwins Wed 16-Apr-14 09:27:49

Also ironing the visitors may not get to see the baby in hospital.

Twins delivered at 35 weeks due to pre-eclampsia may well be in nicu - I think you're confusing the OP's situation with a straightforward term delivery.

Andcake Wed 16-Apr-14 09:33:32

Although not twins after my cs I found it easier to have visitors in hospital (no manic tidying, making tea or judging) saying that I said no to anyone at hospital until after 24 hrs. And even with baby hospital can be quite boring

feesh Wed 16-Apr-14 12:36:24

Having twins is a whole different ball game to having a singleton. There is no downtime, absolutely none. It is constant and relentless and any time you do get is extremely precious. You hardly even get to cuddle your own babies.

Not to mention the fact that 35-weekers are going to bring extra challenges.

livingzuid Wed 16-Apr-14 12:49:39

Mean? confused Isn't it up to her when she is ready to have visitors? It's her and her partners baby not anyone else's. The selfishness of people around a newborn and the parents makes me shock

I will be in hospital for at least a week after the birth as I am at high risk of a manic or pnd episode (bipolar) and will be on high doses of medication. Do I want to make small talk with my very nice but overexcited in laws (dh is also a mummy's boy and they live round the corner), do I hell. They will see the baby when I am ready and not a moment before. Particularly as the only other people I could contemplate seeing aside from dh are my own parents who have to fly in and won't be there until 2 weeks after. And even then it would be in small doses!

You are not being unreasonable at all. You might want visitors you might not. See how it all goes and how you feel but tell your dh to tell them to not expect to meet the new arrivals until they are given the OK and that could be a few days at least.

MrsMillions Wed 16-Apr-14 12:49:58

YANBU about wanting your space, and from experience definitely right to have this conversation now! But don't commit to 48 hours - or they'll come whether at home or in hospital on the dot and you may not be ready in fact. "We'll let you know" is excellent advice - stress the priorities are babies' health and feeding, and your recovery from the op, and everything/everyone else depends on how those are going

squizita Wed 16-Apr-14 14:02:24

For the people saying "mean" - would you expect someone who had say a bowel op, with a severe blood pressure condition to be chipper straight after?

Babies are magical, but not literally. They can't magic away the recovery needed from a major operation. OP is a human with medical needs! Plus her babies might be under special care... Something wonderful to have even needed but stressful of course. The 3 of them will be more likely patients needing medical help etc.

Its not the same as a singleton "normal" VB.

squizita Wed 16-Apr-14 14:05:34

"When" not "even" stupid phone.

And the bowel op - yeah gross analogy but know someone who had one and it was likened in recovery to a c section. When we were being asked not to descend on the hospital ie that was the nurses point!

elQuintoConyo Wed 16-Apr-14 14:24:58

I has visitors in the hospital after tough forceps birth. I was in for 4 days.
I'm abroad. My DF flew in and got the hospital ten minutes before I was discharged. He was here 3 days, in our tiny 2-bed flat. We (our little family) had one night alone, then my DM flew in for 3 weeks. She didn't lift a fucking finger. 3 weeks.
Did I mention it was a tiny flat?
And DS had colic.
Hells tits, if we had another dc we'd hibernate for a month!

mopsytop Wed 16-Apr-14 14:25:51

And even if it WAS a single 'normal' VB, why would it be selfish to want 48 hours to yourself to get used to your new family together? This is not about other people. It is about what the new mother feels/wants for herself. I think people forget how tiring pregnancy/labour/first few weeks of tiny baby are. If someone wants visitors etc. then that's fine, but if they don't, that's fine too. I would say it is more selfish of anyone else demanding to see the baby before the mother feels ready to see them. Or holding the baby for ages when the mother clearly isn't happy about/comfortable with it. Or being happy to have the mother make lunch/dinner/numerous cups of tea having recently given birth and in extremely tired state which has happened to so many people I know.

weebigmamma Wed 16-Apr-14 14:27:12

Not mean at all. I was taken back to hospital last night with high blood pressure. Let out hours later but it has solidified my feelings about visitors- they'll just have to be upset about it because I need the rest. Having a baby is no picnic, even if it all goes really well, it takes a huge toll on your body xxx

ithoughtofitfirst Wed 16-Apr-14 14:40:49

Tough one this. If I was a mil I would totally understand but I would be completely gutted. This coming from woman who pretty much can't stand her mil.

Why not just, when the time comes, explain how exhausted you are and would they mind giving you a day or two? Rather than pre-tetching about it?

I actually was more tired after I got home because then I'd had days of fuck all sleep rather than just the previous night. And then I really cba to see people. Especially when they ask if youve got any biscuits to go with their cuppa. Cheek!

Thurlow Wed 16-Apr-14 14:47:13

It's not unreasonable, no, especially not when you know the twins will be early and you are all going to be a bit under the weather.

Though as some other posters have said, I'm sure the GPs will be desperate to meet their little ones.

Are they nearby? Do you know if the babies might need to spend a day or two in SCBU just for a bit extra help?

I'm just trying to work out if there is a chance the GPs can pop in the see the babies for five minutes without disturbing you? I'm just thinking that my LO was in SCBU for a few days but was well enough for visitors to come and peer and have a two minute cuddle.

bugoven Wed 16-Apr-14 14:55:14

I think 24-48 hours is absolutely reasonable and a good compromise. We have decided to not let anyone know when I go into labour and then let grandparents etc. know they are welcome to visit once the doc has done the rounds, all settled/stitched/ washed off etc. and we will let them know when that is. This is about you and your new little family and those first moments will be precious so have them exactly how you want them to be. DM has already cried for hours because when she asked to be at the birth. I said "no". I was shocked as I don't think we have that sort of relationship. She feels "rejected and unwanted" but at least, like you, I am setting a precedent for my little family: You are welcome and we can't wait to meet you but when is right for us.

goofygoober Wed 16-Apr-14 14:55:32

Not unreasonable, at all. You are going to need your family time. I had 37wk twins and the 'out-laws' were in hospital within an hour. My two were taken straight to SCBU, one of them rushed, so I didn't even get to see his face ;( ExH took them all down to SCBU to peer at them before I had even seen them. I was devastated. Still reeling about this 14 yrs on angry I so wish we had given clear guidelines, I was exhausted and so fed up with everyone marching in.

That said, it was FAR worse at home, I do agree that organised hospital visits are easier on new mums, they are restricted - in and then out!

Good luck, having twins was and is such a joy for us, enjoy smile

saranga Wed 16-Apr-14 16:38:26

I've been talking about this with my fella. We've decided not to tell anyone that I'm in labour, or that I've had the kid, until i'm back home. We are going to tell people in advance that we want at least 2 days to ourselves at home before we have any visitors.

My mother will go mental at this but quite frankly it's not up to her - it's ours. If I was to tell her that I'd gone into Labour she'd be hanging around and barging in as soon as she could. To manage her and to give myself piece of mind I'm banning all visitors for at least 2 days.

OP, you are not being mean, you do what you think is best for you, your kid and your partner.

Kaekae Wed 16-Apr-14 16:51:05

I don't think you are at all. I had a emergency csection, was exhausted and in pain. I just wanted to have a little time with just DP and our first baby. But my parents came everyday for my week stay in hospital (baby had jaundice) and in the end I had to tell them I really needed to have some time alone to try to rest at least! When I was finally discharged from hospital we got home about 11pm as we had to wait around for a doctor to check baby, but my parents were on my doorstep the following morning at 8.30am!!!! They actually woke us up, I'd been up all night feeding and working out what to do with a new baby so was like a zombie. I know they were excited but I felt like crying, just needed some space! Good luck and do put your foot down about what YOU want and feel is best.

SweepTheHalls Wed 16-Apr-14 16:54:29

Explain to your DH that you need the lack of pressure of no visitors, but if you feel well that you will relent. I had no one for DS1, but felt up for visitors with DS 2

redexpat Wed 16-Apr-14 19:45:10

Stand firm. But bear in mind that you might change your mind. I thought I would want time alone, but I just wanted to show DS off!

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