Massive MASSIVE rant needed! GRRRRRRRRRR!

[Justpenny]

I'm 18 weeks pregnant and feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Already have one DS who is 8 and fabulous...and one DP who is 35 and a nuisance. I am a trainee teacher so trying to juggle being a mum, with a PGCE course, and running a house, and a dog, and a manchild of a DP. I leave the house at 7,30am, don't get back home until at least 4.30pm and most nights am up til gone 11pm planning lessons and catching up on paperwork. I am shattered.
My DP works nights...and sleeps days....and that is it. Occasionally (when I have nagged him into submission) he will wash the dishes or take the dog for a walk but he never ever thinks to hoover, or clean, or do laundry. I am struggling with everything and feel like I'm about to burst out crying just with the stress of it all.

I came home today after a really hard day at work, picked my DS up, and opened the door to an unwalked dog, a sink FULL of dishes, a washing machine full of laundry, and an even bigger pile of laundry at the top of the stairs. The dishes have been there for 2 days now because I refused to do them after he promised he would...but because he was tired (he went to bed before I left the house this morning and was still in bed until about an hr ago!!!!!) I've had to wash them so I can make dinner for me and DS.

I'm at the end of my tether. I've just put DS to bed and have at least three hours of work ahead of me now...I am tired, my skin is awful, my hair is greasy and I just wanna scream!

Me and DP have just had a massive row because I told him I need more help around the house, he admitted that I do the lion's share of the house work but then said his excuse was that he worked nights...as though that absolves him from any housework. I wish I could just work and sleep....I wish I had no other responsibilities and could just lie in my bed watching shite on Youtube all day like he appears to do.

He has just stormed to work, leaving the sink full of dishes yet again, and a pile of his dirty uniform on my bedroom floor.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting a bit more help around the house? I know I'm being a nag lately but I cant do everything by myself...he demands silence when I bring my DS back from school until he's ready to get up and every afternoon I am a nervous wreck trying to keep DS and the dog quiet...how the hell am I meant to do that when the baby arrives?? I'm worried about how much help he'll be then if he's not that much help now. As he works permanent nights I'll be home alone all night then he sleeps all day so again i'll be alone with the baby all day. I was a single parent with my DS and it was a struggle....but I managed. I thought this time would be different tho and that I'd have an amazing DP who would rub my feet and bring me tea and pore over baby clothes with me!!!

Sorry...massive rant. Just needed to get it all off my chest before I explode! xxx

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Sit down and write all the chores down on a white board. Pick one. Then he picks one. Then you pick one. Keep going until they are all accounted for.

You do yours, he does his.

Keep a tick record of how many times they have been completed each month. If it's on a white board then you won't have to nag, as he can easily see which HOUSE chores need doing.

[PurpleWithaMysteryBun]

Why are you putting up with him?! Get shot. You shouldn't be worried about keeping DS and the dog quiet either that is no life for any of you.
It is a shame that you hoped for better and not got that :( it will get worse with baby too :(

[Justpenny]

I really like the idea of a white board... :)
I know it will get worse with the baby too...I keep thinking "at least then my PGCE will be over" so there'll be one less thing for me to worry about.
I just need a hand with things...and the occasional cuppa! That's not too much to ask is it? I had delusions of being treated like a princess for 9 whole months...not a skivvy!

[FunkyBoldRibena]

No - you do not NEED A HAND with things, you need a partner that shares the responsibility for the things.

[Boogles91]

Dont do sny of his washing or anything for him, he will soon get the message :) if he was living on his own it would be a whole different story lol when he asks just simply reply, its not nice when your other half doesnt think about you is it lol were all human after all and all th same x

[PurpleWithaMysteryBun]

I think it is not at all unreasonable to hope that you would be cherished in pregnancy and that you would have an equal relationship!

I think in relationships board they would call him a cocklodger?

[sittingatmydeskagain]

Maybe move this to the relationships board?

Afraid, I would give him an ultimation. This is going to get harder if you don't take a stand now.

[HandragsNGladbags]

Do nothing for him. Sadly though I have a feeling things won't change and you'll have a hard decision to make.

[FumblesandFrolics]

I'm with Boogles. I would be leaving his laundry where it is, not picking up his mess, etc until he got the point. Thing 'natural consequences' but for adults. Ie no washing=no clean uniform etc.
it works for DH every so often

We tried whiteboards/lists etc. all that happened was me getting soooo angry about being the only one crossing things off. Had not effect on DH whatsoever

DH is fairly well trained.

[Justpenny]

I didn't even think of posting in the relationships board...since being pregnant this pregnancy page is my home page! :)

He has just called and we have kind of argued again. he said I'm being selfish because he has difficulty sleeping during the day and working nights is killing him. I know he is tired...but I keep telling him to take his tiredness, times it by twenty, add a little human being growing inside of him and THEN have a moan!

He said that tomorrow he will do all the dishes, and some laundry, and walk the dog...even though he will be shattered and I wont be because I'll be sleeping all night. Hmmm...yeah....sleeping ALL night...I wish! Last night I was still awake at 1am thinking about my lessons for today...woke up at 3.30 for a wee...then again at 4.45 and my alarm went off at 6!

Im sorry to go on and on and rant and rant...am just having one of those weeks!!

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Seriously - get a white board and it will be up for all to see then AND you have both chosen chores in a fair and calm manner.

[alita7]

Please can someone tell me why sleeping all day is different to sleeping all night, if you are used to doing so?

He needs to step up- he cannot expect you to do everything... DP can be very similar and it drives me mad... but breath... he seems to think if I'm not doing chores when he is that I'm not doing anything, despite the 30 things I did while waiting for him to come and do his one thing... and on top of that DSD is his not mine...

But he just doesn't see clean and tidiness as a necessity in life and I feel to damn sick to do most of it anyway atm so the house is not too bad but not as I'd like... sigh what we women put up with.

I don't know what to advise as I can totally sympathise with talking to a brick wall on the housework front, and have tried everything including doing him a list of (1-3 small) jobs to do each day so he;s not overwelmed. So unfortunately being in a similar situation makes it harder for me to help as I've tried everything!

[alita7]

I also disagree with posters saying leave him... it's not that simple if you love him and are pregnant with his child and want stability for the child you already have. I'm sure like me and dp you have a great relationship house work aside and leaving is not the answer, him growing up is! (also leaving would leave you in the same position of having to do everything yourself anyway!)

[Justpenny]

I'm not going to leave him...as you've said Alita it's not that simple, I just want him to step up and be more supportive. I definitely feel like I'm talking to a brick wall the majority of the time tho! I genuinely don't mind him sleeping through the day...but I do resent him coming home at 7am, going straight to bed, and not getting out of bed until 7pm when he expects his dinner on the table! I wish I could sleep 7pm - 7am!! I presumed when he started working nights that he would come home, potter about for a bit, maybe have some food...then sleep, I don't know, 8-4 or something...then get up and have a few hours with me and DS before he goes to work...but it hasn't worked out that way and now he is stuck on a permanent night shift that we both hate.
He has difficulty sleeping, and did even when he wasn't on nights...I've tried to persuade him to go to the dr's because maybe if he slept better and had a better sleeping pattern he would be more able to do housework. although knowing my luck he'll see the dr, there'll be nothing wrong with him, and my suspicion that he's just a lazy bastard will be confirmed!!!

[FunkyBoldRibena]

I generally find that trouble sleeping is linked to not doing enough actual physical work to tire you out. So chores should help him sleep. As might earplugs, blackout curtains, and less actual time to laze about. 12 hours in bed is wrong, he needs to cut it to 8 and do something I those other 4 hours to tire him out a little.

[Greenoes]

I really do feel for you, feeling like you're doing everything around the house is an awful feeling that chips away and chips away at you.
However, working nights is hideous. The sleep you get on nights is 1-2 hours of total exhaustion followed by 3-4 hours of desperation and frustration that you're not properly asleep. You get angrier and angrier with yourself and emotional and frustrated if the whole world does not understand that you're on nights.
I rotate 3 weeks days/3 weeks nights and I do have a little feeling inside that when I'm on nights, that surviving should be my only responsibility (not least because the total lack of brain-body co-ordination). The only thing that stops me from actually doing nothing is my Mum Radar that can't just leave them to it - maybe your partner hasn't got the inbuilt parent alarm system yet. Also, being on nights messes with your self image - almost like you deserve to do what you like/eat what you like/say what you like as nobody understands the half life you are leading.
Having said that, it's no excuse to just let this go on and on. Has he got the option of going onto days for a while so that his body clock can reset? Even when you are on permanent nights, you have to swap and change back into reality on your days off.
I can see this from both sides being a shift worker as well as the main cook/cleaner in the house.
Look after yourself OP

[Justpenny]

Greenoes I think you have hit the nail on the head there!! That is exactly how he describes it. He says he goes into a deep sleep for an hour or two, then lies awake thinking to himself 'if I fall asleep now i'll have x hrs of sleep...' etc etc. In the end he works himself up so much that i'm not surprised he cant sleep!
So maybe I am being selfish? Although part of me (having never worked nights!!!) thinks 'if you cant sleep, get up and do something until you can!'. I've had trouble sleeping before and have read all the literature about not watching tv etc before bed, and if you wake up then get up and do something, rather than lying their fretting over it. I presume the advice is the same if you cant sleep during the day as it is for the night?
Unfortunately he can't swap back to days, his manager has already told him that for definite so he is in the process of looking for a new job. He's been looking for months and months now, long before we knew we were pregnant. Last year we were in the exact same situation, I was studying, and running the house, and he was working nights and doing nothing but work/sleep/work/sleep...and we argued and rowed so much over it that we split up for over a month. I don't want it to deteriorate into that again over the exact same issue especially with a baby on the way. Im trying to be understanding, I really am...but its difficult when i'm so tired and stressed out all of the time too.
Today was kind of like my breaking point...I'd had an awful day at work and just wanted a cup of tea and a cuddle...but the kitchen was a mess and I honestly felt like punching something when I couldn't even find a clean spoon to make a brew!! Have calmed down a lot now tho (now that he's gone to work! haha!) and am really going to take all of your advice on board! Thank you all so much for your replies!

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

The trouble is unless you've worked nights you really don't get how hard it is to sleep. It is not the same as sleeping at night when it dark and quiet. People also don't seem to get that if you work all night, you sleep all day. There isn't time to do other things. I do some nights and I come home, have breakfast and go to bed. I wake up about 4.30, get ready, have tea and go to work.

Saying that, he must have days off. What does he do then? Does he do anything at all, ever? He needs to start pulling his weight for sure. When you've got a newborn how will it work if he does sod all already? Will he still expect his dinner and for you to do all the housework? He needs a reality check.

[Viviennemary]

Working nights is totally exhausting. I've never actually done it but know a couple of people who do. It's nothing like a day job. But he should still manage to do some housework. Why not think about getting a cleaner if you can afford one. It sounds as if you are both working flat out.

[gingercat2]

My partner works permanent nights. He gets really tired, but still manages to spend time with the family and help with chores on working days. On days off he does about half of the laundry and meal prep. He helps with shopping and looking after the kids (nappy changes, bathing, settling baby and looking after the six year old if I need to go out. Will also help with school runs). The six year old is a step child for him. I only work part time. He gets by on six hours sleep after a night shift. I don't have to ask for help, he just does it. Based on my experience I think your partner isn't pulling his weight.

[Lj8893]

I've worked nights. Not every night, but shift work where nights have been involved.

It is more difficult to sleep in the day but I never slept all day (and I didn't have dc then either) but I would come home, sort my stuff out for later, have a bath and wind down, then bed. I would then sleep/try to sleep for 8 hours. Get up, have dinner (make my own!!), do a little bit of housework and whatever needed doing and go off to work again. The same really if I was working days, just the other way round!

He sound lazy, selfish and a bit of a nob really.

[Lj8893]

My xp (who was a twat in most ways) used to quite often work till 2am and then be back at work at 10am the next day as a taxi driver. He used to still do his fair share of the housework.

[londonchick]

I work nights, and I do most of the household chores, and I'm 20 weeks pregnant. He needs to start pulling his weight!!!

[weebigmamma]

How feasible is it for your partner to be looking for a different job? One that pays less might be worth it if he started having a normal sleeping pattern and was more able to manage a relationship as well.

How much does your child do at home? At this age he should be able to do little chores like getting himself ready for bed/dressed in the morning, putting his own washing in the basket/ helping you hang things out, sweeping the floor etc. Pocket money can be a good incentive if you don't already do this.

What happens on days off/weekends? Surely your husband has a day off? We do the whiteboard thing at weekends but during the week we both have jobs that we do every day (I make dinner, husband does dishes, I do clothes washing, husband does ironing). These things only amount to a few minutes every day so it's hard to see how even the most exhausted person couldn't manage to do the dishes or put a wash on. Letting stuff build up is what makes chores really hard. Some solutions to that might be:

-Can you entertain the idea of having a cleaner at all? Even for an hour twice a week? It's amazing how much a good cleaner can get done in an hour.

-Use paper plates and plastic cups sometimes. Nobody outside your house has to know!

-Can you get a dishwasher? Used plates go straight into the washer and someone turns it on at the end of the day.

-Any chance you can cook in bulk at the weekends and then not have to do so much during the week?

The PGCE is an amazingly tough year (teaching is much easier- you don't have to do marking and planning with the same intensity for a start) so hopefully you'll get a break when it's over. I hope my suggestions aren't patronising, I'm sure you've thought of/tried loads of those things before. Is there anyone else in your family who can help a bit, even with cooking or something? I think the key thing is your partner getting a different job if that's at all possible.

[livingzuid]

Thing is, it's not a great relationship is it if such fundamental things like sharing responsibility for household chores isn't fairly divided. How can it be when you have all that simmering resentment underneath? And justifiably so on your part?

Nights is hard work no doubt about it. But it's not so hard that it is impossible to do ten minutes of washing up, putting clothes in a laundry basket, running a hover around and taking a dog out for half an hour. That combined would take less than an hour surely?

I could do nothing in the first trimester I was so sick. Dh was working seven days a week on late shift at some points and still did all the housework and walked the dog. It wasn't to my standard :) but he did it no complaints. Now I am a lumbering whale he has taken over a lot of things again quite happily as he doesn't want to see me uncomfortable.

I've worked nights. It is tiring. But it is nothing compared to the tired you have in the third trimester as you must know :)

He needs to step up and grow up. It's not all about him. If he is like this now then what is it going to be like when there is a baby in the house? Just know that most men wouldn't be like this and would be more supportive.

I wish you luck OP as I think you need to have a calm discussion with him about it. If he still doesn't change then you have some assessing to do.