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DC number 2 @ 35 & after PND & money worries - am I crazy????

(9 Posts)
Belt Wed 02-Apr-14 16:53:21

Hi
I am new to mumsnet even though my DC number 1 is nearly 5... I guess I just would like to know strangers thoughts on my worries so I hope you forgive my ranting below.... And if you feel like answering, I would appreciate it very much....
Me and my husband have been talking and thinking of DC2 for a while now but because I had a really bad PND that lasted way pass our son's 2nd birthday even, I was scared. LOVED being pregnant, could not cope with being judged of not being able to BF, renting apartment when all other girls in NCT had mortgages and were in the middle of decorating nursery!! Also the fact my while family is in a different country was dragging me even further down...

MONEY was our big worry and I guess it still is. We din't claim any benefits because we do not qualify. We both work FT & not sure what will happen once the 2nd one is born. All I know I want to stay a year at home this time round. I do have a very decent maternity package.

We are better off financially this time round, however our debts are our main worry at the moment. We love each other very much and we really want a larger family! We thought of it loads, had numerous conversations and at the end of the day, if you are only worrying about your money all the time it feels like your life passes you by... Some of the friends have said wait until you are in a better situation, etc... Have not even spoken to our parents yet... But I do not have time to wait because I am worries of all the complications in your pregnancy when you are over 35. I turn 35 in July so I am obviously worried but I really am scared of waiting and waiting until we pay off debts, buy new car, put money aside for deposit for a house.... We will be 60 by the time we do it all!!!!

I would really like to hear some of your stories, if you do not mind...

Thank you.
confused Belt

Forago Wed 02-Apr-14 17:01:50

Hi Belt

I would say the age thing should be the least of your worries - assuming you are otherwise fit and healthy. I think they overplay the over 35 thing - I had mine at 33, 36 and 39 and no real difference. Slightly more tired the second time around but of course I was- I had a FT job and 2 small children and was doing the school run every morning! It was fine though. I think I would discount this as an issue as long as no other health problems.

The PND would be a concern, of course. But my understanding is that, just because you got it once doesn't necessarily mean you will again, and even if it does start again, you will be in the system as a risk for PND and I am sure, with help from doctors and midwives etc it will be much easier to nip it in the bud a second time? And presumably you could take medication earlier to ward it off. I found that nothing is as overwhelming and hard as going from young, free and easy with 0 children to having 1 small baby and the massive change in lifestyle this involves - it wouldn't be the same a second time as you know what to expect and are already set up for having a baby, family routines etc.

So that would leave finances - which is of course a concern. But you both work and I think not having a bigger family due purely to money worries would maybe be something you would regret once the opportunity has passed. And remember a second baby (initially at least) doesn't involve the same outlay for equipment and clothes as you already have a lot. I understand your concern (and think its admirable you are thinking about it rather than expecting to go on benefits) but money seems such a shame as a reason not to have a second baby : (

Belt Wed 02-Apr-14 17:09:06

Thank you Forago, your response is very reassuring! I really appreciate it.

Missteacake Wed 02-Apr-14 18:03:59

Hi Belt

I'm having my second child due in November and my first will be five by then! My DH and I also do not have a lot of money we live off one salary. Obviously I am scared of the financial pressure this will put us under but at the end if the day you ALWAYS MANAGE! Yes it's hard and tough but people often say they couldnt cope with less money but they could really if they had too. They just don't want to and I don't blame them if that's their choice. If you really want another child go for it don't let money stop you. Who knows in ten years you or your partner could get promoted/new job whatever and have loads of money but it may be too late then for a child. Make the right decision for you if that's another child great if not also great at least you can tell yourself you made the right choice for you.

As forage says Part of the problem with PND is that it is not diagnosed and leads people in a viscous cycle feeling bad about themselves and their abilities which is near impossible to get out of. You seem well aware of your issues and with support I'm sure things could be much easier for you a second time.

Good luck to you
Xx

squizita Wed 02-Apr-14 19:46:04

35 is when fertility starts to decline.

Risks otherwise are still low - historically women continued their family to 40 or so.

Do tell your midwife about PND as you can get perenatal support immediately to help prevent it in advance. Best of luck!

Pobblewhohasnotoes Wed 02-Apr-14 19:50:49

Well I'm just 36 and expecting no.2. All is well with my baby. Yes the risks increased but I guess you have to make the decision whether to have all the tests and what would you do if something wasn't right, like you would with any pregnancy.

Definitely talk to your mw about your pnd.

Belt Wed 02-Apr-14 21:19:53

Thank you all for your messages! Missteacake, you are completely right, in 10 years time it just might be too little too late...
Thanks again!
X

Emberlina76 Wed 02-Apr-14 22:45:01

Hi Belt
So, our DS1 is now 8.5 yrs and I am 32 wks with our DD. we just haven't been in a position to think about having another one before now. Actually just gave up on the idea tbh and was happy with what I had and accepted it. When I left work to have DS the plan was that I was going to return after 6-9 months part time and my mum was going to babysit him for me. My Mum died 9 days before his 1st birthday. We were then in a situation where we had to pay for childcare, I had to leave my job as it didn't pay enough and get another more stressful job which paid more and go back full time to pay for the childcare as I just couldn't stay off. We remortgaged and used every credit card we could in the 3.5 years he was at full time nursery with us paying £800 pm. We ran up so so much debt just trying to live that the September that he started school
We had to admit defeat and entered into a 6 year IVA. We owed £112k on top of our mortgage by then. We hadn't splashed the cash, we hadn't even had a holiday, this was all from being off work for 15 months mat leave / caring for Mum, unpaid as all I got was statutory MP and the. Trying to keep out heads above water. I couldn't see an end to it. So, 3.5 years into the IVA, miraculously, we worked out that it was possibly do-able again. It'll mean starting the £800 nursery fee again, and living off beans on toast for 18 months whilst we are trying to pay that and the IVA but its kind if doable- well it is on my spreadsheet anyway! - you can live off not very much money, true, this does scare me when I don't have a contingency for when things go wrong, but I'm quite resourceful these days. All I will say, is that these people who say 'there's never a n
Right time' and 'money shouldn't be a deciding factor' or 'you'll manage' really wind me up, as you can't just cr@p £800 childcare from no where. Yep, you're second doesn't cost as much as your first initially as you have the equipment but when you both work full time with no support, they come with an £800+ per month price tag in the form of childcare. Money isn't everything, but lack of it and stress from that can ruin your life at the time. There's nothing like the stress of money worries, it eats you up and will add to any depression you may or may not get. No real answer except to work it out properly as to whether you can actually do it. Don't wing it as that's scary. As for deposit for a place and that, don't put so much pressure on yourself, renting is fine, no nursery for the baby is fine, just deal with what you can at the time and don't put yourself in a situation where you're stressing about things that don't HAVE to be sorted yet xx

TKKW Wed 02-Apr-14 23:22:32

I am having our second at aged 33, they are arriving in a few weeks. DC1 is 3. I can relate to money and ante natal/ post natal issues with anxiety and for a good few months post partum. I had really good ante and post natal support arranged by my midwife.

We dont get any benefits and I havent really worked much in last year so i dont qualify for any SMP. When I did, my salary covered just one FT childcare bill so I dont know how I'll ever get back in the job market.

I will find a way, im sure: DC1 will be at school when DC2 is 1 years old, so less childcare fees. You are at an advantage having a full time job. Well done!

We have no debts but need to do to the house a bit at a time in order to afford the costs of renovating. So yes, serious compromising.

I dont think renting a property would put me off not delaying a child as unless you are both taking in large salaries, there is never really a perfect time!

That said, you will need to roughly be prepared for a full time childcare bill which in my area for 50 hours a week would cost £900 and then wrap around care for your child thats school age. Also, the cost of extra child care needs to fit with you paying back your liabilities.

Sorry, a bit of a incoherent post but what Im trying to say is that many people will be in similar circumstances and they have a second child.

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