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Judged wether planning to be working mum or stay at home mum, can't win!

(16 Posts)
AlwaysDancing1234 Wed 02-Apr-14 04:54:25

We already have one DC. When I was pregnant we planned that I would take 9-12 months off work but jobs changed through no fault of ours, pay was frozen and we couldn't afford it financially so I had to go back to work after 6 months. Plenty of people in the family judged us for it saying baby was too young to be with childminder all day but we didn't really have a choice. Got hurtful comments from PIL and SIL especially (who only got to be a SAHM because she's claiming all sorts of benefits but that's another story)
Pregnant now with DC2, very carefully planned so that we are in much better and more stable financial position, will be able to take about a year off to be SAHM.
However the same people that judged me for going back to work so soon before are now judging me for wanting to stay at home! I can't bloody win! Comments like "so what is DH getting out of this arrangement while you are staying at home earning no money". We have very carefully made this decision (DH fully on board, it's not just my idea)
I'm seriously at the end of my tether with it all! Seems we can't win either way!

AlwaysDancing1234 Wed 02-Apr-14 04:55:30

Sorry just read that back and realised its rambling and ranty, just needed to get it all out of my system.

AnythingNotEverything Wed 02-Apr-14 04:57:16

Mothers never win. Someone always has something to say about your choices.

Smile and nod. None of their business.

Jellymum1 Wed 02-Apr-14 04:57:37

alwaysdancing I have chose to stay at home this time too when I have dc2. let it go over your head hun! I could've written your post myself even down to job changes amd going back early last time. dont feel guilty x

Trapper Wed 02-Apr-14 04:58:42

They sound charming! Sounds like you have agreed as a couple what is best for your family. Your partner should be having a firm word with your in-laws IMO.

Trapper Wed 02-Apr-14 05:01:21

They were not 'your' choices - they were your partner's too! My wife is a SAHM and it was a mutual decision based on what we felt was best for our children and best financially. I am Grr for you!

AlwaysDancing1234 Wed 02-Apr-14 05:11:10

Thanks for the replies, just feel like I want to yell at them to f* off although I appreciate this not wouldn't help!
DH has had 'words' with them in the past, but people always seem to have an opinion (just wish they would keep it to themselves). No one is allowed to say anything to SIL or she throws a screaming fit and we and PIL wont see the kids for months (again, a whole other thread!)
It's not just in laws to be fair, have had all sorts of family giving unwanted opinions.
Through years of planning we will have a wee bit more money in the bank this time around, I just find the "you will be at home wasting rather than earning money" type opinions very hurtful and annoying.
I had forgotten how much everyone knows best when you are pregnant or have a baby, I will have to work on my 'smile and nod' or 'do f* off' responses!
Thanks all for reading and responding, feel a bit better now flowers

AlwaysDancing1234 Wed 02-Apr-14 05:13:00

Thanks Trapper I'm also very grrr about it!
Yes totally a joint decision, reached through hours of discussion and careful number crunching to reach the best decision for us and both our DC.

squizita Wed 02-Apr-14 08:54:22

DH explained (I'm only 16 weeks gone) that when we have DC he would consider going part time to help childcare after a few months (I have a good job and this would work if I went back after 8 months or so, meaning financial stability and a parent caring for DC). One person burst out laughing and another called us 'unnatural'. hmm Some people are so ignorant. These same 2 women complained their DPs are hands-off and had to be chased to settle/be dads, oh the irony.

Just smile and nod at their faces then go into another room and have a good swear! grin

alita7 Wed 02-Apr-14 09:12:42

tell them politely that you and your husband have made the decision that Is best for you and your family and that you have considered all pros and cons and do not want to discuss the matter further.

AlwaysDancing1234 Wed 02-Apr-14 09:22:01

squizita some people are so ignorant and rude aren't they! We got a similar reaction when we we're thinking of my DH maybe taking some time off when DS was little, in the end just couldn't afford it but we both loved the idea if DH being a stay at home Dad for a bit.
I'll have to perfect the smile-nod-swear technique I think!

AlwaysDancing1234 Wed 02-Apr-14 09:22:39

alita7 I think I'll bevelling them 'not very politely' if they carry on!

moomin35 Wed 02-Apr-14 09:36:43

Dreading this already, know i've got it all to "look forward" to! I feel your pain! :-)

notaflamingclue Wed 02-Apr-14 10:12:14

You do what you like OP! You're right, you just can't win.

When my sis was pg with her DS, my father said something like, "Oh, you need to stay home now til he's in school!" - she went back PT after a year, much to his disgust.

Fast forward 4 years, I was pg and I mentioned that I was planning to take at least 6 months off work. His response this time? "Six months?!! That's a bit much!"

Why the fuckety fuck should she have stayed home for 5 years, while I should've gone back as soon as my stitches were out?! I did call him on it, but it still really rankles.

caravela Wed 02-Apr-14 12:32:01

You are right, OP, whatever you decide there will be people out there who judge you and think they magically know what's best for you and your family. It's particularly annoying if they are your in-laws/family, because it makes them harder to just ignore than if they were randomers. But you are the expert in your life, and you and your husband have decided what's best for you as a family, so they should really just butt out. There is no "right" answer, and whatever we decide involves some kind of compromise, so we all have to work out what is the best solution for our own personal circumstances. I would be tempted to be firm with them if they aren't getting the message. Who the hell are they to think that they have the answers to how you should live your life? It's really none of their business, and as extended family their job is to support you, not make you feel crap.

AlwaysDancing1234 Wed 02-Apr-14 12:54:43

Thanks everyone, I think I will just tell them to sod off with their opinions (this might start with me being polite and end with me shouting bad words at them!)

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