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Partner uncomfortable with my pregnancy, feel awkward

(7 Posts)
jaykay34 Sun 30-Mar-14 11:07:41

I am 15 weeks pregnant with my third child (I have 11 year old twins from a previous relationship) and my partner has an 18 year old daughter. So this baby is our first together.
It has been a shock pregnancy...I was on cerazette and have had watery periods on/off for the past 2 years since I have been on it. A couple of weeks ago, I was booked in for a smear and following questioning...when I explained I haven't had a proper period for ages, the nurse was a bit concerned. After prodding me about she said my uterus felt large and ordered me to do a pregnancy test. I was adamant it would come back negative..but it didn't - it was positive. I have had no symptoms so I couldn't believe it and left the clinic in a daze without asking any questions. I told my partner, who is usually really supportive about everything and all he kept saying is we needed to see how far along I am and that we have no room for a baby. I spent the next two days confused and in tears.
The following week I went to the early pregnancy unit for a dating scan. I was sure there would be nothing there and prior to going in, the nurse said as I had no morning sickness or breast tenderness that I was probably very early and would not see anything on the scan and need a probe examination.
To my shock...there was a huge looking, perfectly formed baby in there. Totally unmissable ! And they dated me at 14 weeks !!
I rang my partner and told him what had happened and that I would keep the baby. He seemed fine with this and said he would support my decision.
The problem is...since I first found out I was pregnant, we have had no real conversations about the baby, we have not had any sex at all...in fact at night, usually he is very cuddly and that has been at a real minimum. The only time he has referred to the baby was when he had been out for a few beers with his brother and was a bit drunk and actually acknowledged the fact I was pregnant by saying I should make sure I'm eating enough for the baby.
The thing that doesn't add up is he is a great dad to his child, and a great step dad to my children.
We had never expected to have any more and this has been a great shock to me too, but I feel really alone and unsupported...it is as if he has blocked it out and its not going on.
I feel too awkward to ask him his feelings about it because I am worried I might just get a one word answer which will upset me no end.
Has anybody else experienced this ?
Thanks for listening.

alita7 Sun 30-Mar-14 11:40:06

It's a big shock to you both and this must just be his reaction. See how he is in a week or 2 and if he's not being supportive then have a serious chat. Unless you had both agreed you would have one in the future then he probably thought that his baby days were over 16 or so years ago and now when he's just letting go of the responsibility of having his own child and maybe relaxing about that he's suddenly going to be starting again. I'm sure hel come round to the idea it will just take time to sink in.

squizita Sun 30-Mar-14 11:52:36

He's probably reeling with shock - maybe thought his baby days were over with one teenager and tweenage step-children! Have you mentioned this to him? He might be so wrapped up he doesn't realise.

Also some- both men and women - get nervous about sex during pregnancy for various reasons. If his last partner was like that (I don't DTD at the moment as I have a bleedy cervix and afterglow is ruined by the recommended trip to A&E and some strange duty gynie looking up my fanjo grin ) for whatever reason, he genuinely might be nervous about it or assume ALL pregnant women are like that.

If he's a bit drunk and saying sensible 'eat enough' stuff then deep down his heart's in the right place.

Good luck, hope a conversation about it will help...

FoodieMum3 Sun 30-Mar-14 12:19:46

Oh wow, what a huge shock for you both. And you've only known a week, give him and you time.

My pregnancies were all planned, although this (my third) was kind of intentionally careless to 'see what would happen' blush and even then, we have been in shock for weeks.

I think he will need a lot of time to absorb the news and then he will talk to you.

jaykay34 Sun 30-Mar-14 17:48:09

Thanks for your replies...I think you are all right, I just have to give him time for it to sink in.
Today has been really strained between us...we are barely talking now, after spending a day pretending everything's ok in front of everybody.

lyns31 Sun 30-Mar-14 17:57:03

Loads of warmth and hugs your way jaykay. Sounds painful to be going through, but he probably does need time. Is there anyone close you can talk to while your DH is being distant? I know from experience it can be very lonely when your OH is being offish. I think it might be an idea to have a day out with the girls so you can forget about it for a while. Plus, if you look happy it might win him over.

mylittlemonkey Sun 30-Mar-14 18:55:35

As others have said give him time to get used to it as it is a big shock and something that is going to make a huge difference to both of you. We have just found it we are unexpectedly pg and for the first few weeks, and still now really, I could only think of the negatives and feel like it has not properly sunk in. We have not really talked about it much either. I am Ok with that though as I need some time to get used to the idea as well and so don't really feel like discussing it much. I know I will start getting more excited soon and my dh is getting there too but I still keep thinking about finances, cars, work, childcare costs, how we will manage etc

I am sure alot of couples go through this when it is unexpected and men tend to deal with things quietly rather than talking about things. Why don't you find a quite moment and ask him how he feels, but be prepared for him to admit he is still in shock and try to be understanding even though I know you want him to be excited. He will get there in the end.

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