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Poor OH

(14 Posts)
FirsttimerG Sun 30-Mar-14 10:30:54

I've been doing my best to soldier through my first 12 weeks and I feel like I've done pretty well. I am sick probably every other morning once, gone off some foods completely (typically craving bread cheese and pickle) and I know I have been pretty easily aggravated.

This isn't a usual OH post because he is lovely. He's been doing loads more than usual, being kind, eating separately where I want something stupid for tea etc.

He's sad because he's trying to make me healthy food etc that I will like but my reactions are not as excited as he's expecting. He's also sad that I am always tired and that we've only had sex twice in 12 weeks (sorry tmi)

He's trying to sort all of the big house DIY projects that need doing before the baby comes (finally) and yesterday I spent all day helping him lift, paint, clear and tidy etc

Today I've told him I can't do it again (was shattered and sore back yesterday) so I will do he housework instead while he finishes.

So I feel like I am pulling my weight. But there are still little things that I am missing here and there and I know that.

Basically I feel like I am letting him down but at the same time as I've just explained to him, I really genuinely don't think I could do more right now. I don't feel sexy or at all like making love, and I refuse to fake that. I am tired and going to bed by 10pm but then I am getting up at 6am.

How did you guys get through this? Does he just have to accept things right now or do you think I need to do more? We love each other very dearly and I hate seeing him sad. And he hates seeing me sad.

MrsMonkeyBear Sun 30-Mar-14 10:41:51

Your hubby sounds amazing, where can I find one

You are not letting him down. He's probably a little upset as he's trying to make you feel better, but during the first 12 weeks it's hell. But I'm sure if you explained how you feel he will understand.

Why not take him out for a wee treat when you are feeling better as a thank you. I've promised id take my OH to the cinema as when we went last week I fell asleep!!!

Congrats on your bump.

kasareem Sun 30-Mar-14 10:51:43

Hi firsttimer,
Your hubby sounds a lot like mine ... We're very lucky. I made up a little hamper for mine full of stuff we love but I can't have like alcohol, soft cheeses etc to show my appreciation of everything he does, which lightened my guilt a little. But really I'm sure he loves you and appreciates that you are doing your best (remember you're growing a whole human!). Take it easy with the guilt and didn't push yourself too hard. I started feeling so much better after 13 weeks and was able to pull my weight more then. Congrats on your pregnancy, and also on having such a great relationship!

Sweetpea86 Sun 30-Mar-14 10:54:23

Try not to be so hard on your self. My hubby has been the same 100% amazing. My sickness was horrific sick up to 10 times a day I came home one night and he cooked tea. He's tidied the kitchen house was spotless. 5 mins after I ate tea I threw it all bk up all over kitchen floor. Crying my eyes out he said don't worry told me to get a nice bath while he cleaned up. This happened on a regular basis lol

He's been like that pretty much the whole way through. As for sex I'm 37 weeks and haven't had sex from about week 5 lol sickness for months and by the times that calmed down I got spd and I'm in agony all the time.

Hubby is very supportive and when I told him I was worried because we weren't having sex he jokeling said well we you used me for it plenty whilst trying for a baby lol. But on a serous side he all so said that sex isn't his main concern more that I'm ok. I think we underestimate guys thinking that's all that is important to them when it isn't. Some yes but not all.

Just make sure you tell him how much u love him and appreciate all he is doing and try not to be so hard on your self. I'm at the stage were I'm just desperate for labour to happen pregnancy is very hard, harder than I expected take care hun

LittleLight82 Sun 30-Mar-14 10:56:59

Aw. You both need to go easy on yourselves.
I was hesitant to DTD in the early stages too and, like you, existed on cheese and carbs. For me,getting both of us sitting down to candle-lit cheese and cracker suppers helped, as did frequent little displays of affection to OH- a smile, a hand squeeze, an unannounced hug, even if sex wasn't on the cards for a while.

I was still getting used to the idea of morning sickness and myself as a mum and it is hard to square that with being a lover and feeling desirable. Just keep talking. You both sound like you're putting in great effort and love each other very much. Just remember you have 9 months to get the DIY jobs done and rediscover the intimacy that may feel a bit buried at the moment. It definitely gets better Xx

OrangeMochaFrappucino Sun 30-Mar-14 11:01:17

Pregnancy isn't an illness. But it can make you feel very ill. I had horrendous nausea and sickness up to 23 weeks both times and it has returned in the third trimester. It has been essentially like having a bad stomach bug - the kind that usually lasts a few days - for months on end. The exhaustion and fatigue can be crippling. If your husband had a tummy bug or a bad virus, you wouldn't expect him to carry on as normal doing DIY and staying up late and you wouldn't feel hard done by because he couldn't.

Pregnancy can be very, very hard work. You are the one struggling so he will have to do a bit more and understand that things won't be the same as they were before - which it sounds like he already gets. He might feel sad that you are having a hard time but you aren't enjoying it either! The baby belongs to you both, so do some of the hardships of growing it!

icklekid Sun 30-Mar-14 18:51:29

Just wanted to say totally agree my dh is amazing and don't know what I would do without him! Still sick every day at 25 weeks, got spd and some days just everything gets too much and I cry constantly! He has to cook (I'm hardly eating), clean, wash and generally be there for me aswell! I just try and do whatever I can for him and treat him when I'm able to! Can't last forever. ..!

Emzzy26x Sun 30-Mar-14 19:39:40

Your not on your own with this one lovely smile me and my OH will have been together 5 years this August... We've been in our own owned home together for 2 and this will be our first baby together :D only 8 weeks though :D

I feel exactly like you... I work in a rather physically demanding Supermarket chain... Aldi smile and once I finish a 9 hour shift I am completely knackered to do anything else... Even on days off and it makes me feel so guilty because he has weekends off and hes decorated the bathroom he does the washing and cleaning while im working and it makes me feel bad... Itll all get better soon...


CleverWittyUsername Sun 30-Mar-14 19:44:21

I think just keep talking to him and tell him how much you appreciate his help. I feel exactly the same, we've only had sex about twice since we found out we are expecting (almost 15 weeks now). I don't feel sexy at all. The first 10-12 weeks were me feeling sick constantly and definitely not horny. The past 2-3 weeks I've been in bed by 8pm, not like me at all, and he goes to the spare room so he doesn't disturb me when he comes to bed. But I wake up early and go and have a snuggle with him before we get up for work so he doesn't feel completely isolated. We have builders in at the mo and I've just left it all to him. He's also been doing the shopping, cleaning and cooking, though to be fair in the evening I'm not eating really so he just sorts himself out. However he doesn't seem sad; he just seems amazed that I am growing his baby! Keep communicating and I'm sure you will get through it together.

FirsttimerG Sun 30-Mar-14 21:32:17

Thanks everyone - its so good to get some advice.
I'm glad I'm not the only one having this issue!

We worked it out today and he's even watching a nice movie with me. Now if I can only stay up another hour, it'll be perfect ;) xxx

Boogles91 Sun 30-Mar-14 23:07:40

My hubby is the same smile only im a stubborn arse and forced him to let me do the cleaning everyday :p as i was told im supposed to be resting more than owt else as im high risk preeclampsia and had a little bleed at 18wks. But once ive done that he insists on me sittin on me arse rest of the day lol he sounds understanding like mine so dont worry. I know what you mean about not feeling sexy lol ive put on too much weight in my eyes(hubby loves it fr some strange reason :s ) so i hate being naked around him :s we have sex around 1-2a week, even if its not full sex if you catch my drift lol you can talk to him to let him know how you feel and im sure he will tell you that its fine and he understands x

weebigmamma Mon 31-Mar-14 04:11:20

My OH is brilliant as well. am due in just over a week and we've had sex twice the whole pregnancy. Not easy for him but we both know from last time that normal service will be resumed in time! It really will. 9 months out of your life isn't long really (even though it seems like a farkin' century sometimes) so try to be kind to yourselves. xxx

LondonJen Mon 31-Mar-14 17:19:20

Bless the lovely men! Try not to worry op I am sure you will have some energy back in the 2nd tri and will make it up to him. Besides, it is their way of helping -whilst you rest up and grow the baby.

My dp told me on Sun he was surprised I wasn't more "glowy and full of beans" whilst pregnant. But we have a book he's been enjoying reading bits out to me about being moody and tired (who me?!) which has helped. Also he liked the fact "the placenta is the only organ to be grown from scratch" and said no wonder I was tired.

I too feel mean sometimes as I will eat some bits of what he's cooked and moan about how disgusting other bits are (things I would normally like.) I try not to but it's also part of me adjusting saying out loud how things are changing for me.

In my opinion you need to listen to your body now and if that means resting so be it. I do feel like I spend a lot of time sat on my bum but it's only for a short while. At least, I am hoping for some energy any day now (12+3!)

alita7 Mon 31-Mar-14 18:06:04

Bless you both, It's so nice that you are thinking of eachother. But don't feel to guilty- you both have to prepare for a baby in different ways and you will both suffer in different ways because of that. You will be sick, tired and have all the other symptoms under the sun, progressing to being incredibly uncomfortable later on as well as having mood swings, feeling emotionally unstable and crying all the time. He will have to sort out the things you can't do right now, and prepare your house and life while you make the baby as well as supporting you through dealing with all those symptoms. Don't think of it as you making him suffer- you are mutally going through a lot to make a baby you will love to pieces and it will all be worth it smile

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