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Please help feel so alone and scared

(27 Posts)
Confusedlady12 Fri 28-Mar-14 11:20:08

Hi ladies I'm 29 and hubs is 32 we have 2 children together aged 3 1/2 and 11 months (he has an 8 year old with ex)

Found out I was pregnant again few weeks ago I'm 8 weeks now and booked for abortion on April 2nd ( please don't judge till read)

We was devastated and shocked to say the least we was using protection and I was on the pill this wasn't supposed to happen but god had other plans I feel guilty for booking an abortion if love to have another baby but feel it's to soon and not fair on my other children and also feel I wouldn't cope I'm I'm 2 minds but is that a suitable reason to kill an unborn child that has not done a thing wrong it's just waitin to be born and be loved and I'm about to take it's breaths away from it because I feel I won't cope with 3 I feel so heartless and so left on my own confused and scared I don't want to hurt my child but I feel I can't cope with another so soon but to go on in a few years time and have another after aborting this one would make me the most selfish women alive as why didn't I ever give this one a chance the hurt and thought of doing this to such a precious little heartbeat is tearing me apart but I'm so stuck

imisssleepandwine Fri 28-Mar-14 12:21:52

Hi OP firstly I'm pro-choice. I'm also a mum of a 3 1/2 year old and pregnant with number 2. I'm scared that I won't be able to cope with two and honestly couldn't even comprehend having 3 under 5. So I completely understand your fear and why an abortion might be the right option for you.

However, the language you're using suggests that you're not ready for this. I think you need to go to see a counsellor to talk through your fears and options and then come to the right decision, that's right for you and at this time in your life.

Whatever you decide to do you will cope, if you have an abortion it's ok to have another baby when the time is right for you. It doesn't make you selfish, it doesn't make you a bad person or a bad mother. If you have the baby you'll cope, you find the time and the money and the strength and you'll do what needs to be done.

good luck

alita7 Fri 28-Mar-14 12:37:23

my humble opinion is that you shouldn't do it. not because of any judgements or because I disagree with your reasons but because you clearly aren't convinced it's what's best for you. if it's not meant to be you may loose the baby anyway and you sound like the sort of person who believes in fate so maybe let the world tell you what's best? I think the 3 young children would be very hard but people do cope and I think your worries would fade when you see your little one.
It just seems like this would haunt you forever, and you'd feel guilty about it especially when you decided you did want a child. personally I think it would have such a big impact on your mental health it's not worth the pain!

AlwaysDancing1234 Fri 28-Mar-14 13:27:26

From the language and emotions you are expressing I think you at least need to talk up someone before taking the next step. I'm totally pro choice and think that everyone should make the right decision for them. But it sounds like you are doubting this is the right choice for you and it would cause you a lot of heartache. Can you speak to GP/hospital about pre-abortion counselling before you go any further (I appreciate you only have a limited amount of time) thinking of you.

PenguinsEatSpinach Fri 28-Mar-14 13:49:25

I am absolutely pro choice and support a woman's right to terminate a pregnancy should she choose to, or feel she needs to.

However, your language around this issue suggests that you have very conflicted ideas about the concept of abortion, let alone whether it is right for you in your circumstances. Talking about it as 'killing an unborn child that has not done a thing wrong' says to me that, at this point, you might find it very difficult to cope emotionally after a termination. I'd really advise contacting one of the abortion providers - like Marie Stopes - for some counselling and support in making your decision.

Whatever you decide, doing what is best for you, for your family and for your future is never selfish. It's about sometimes life being incredibly hard with lots of grey.

LetTheRiverAnswer Fri 28-Mar-14 13:50:16

Its a very difficult situation. I have three, slightly larger age gaps (2 years between each). The third was not planned, but we were fortunate that we have a house that can stretch, and while it pushes the finances harder than we wanted/ planned for, its manageable. It is hard, I feel guilty that I can't give each of them quite as much as I feel I should, I'm tired all the time, but it is ok. Not what id have chosen, but ok.
I'm mentioning this because I wonder how much you and you're dh have talked about what it would really mean to have a third now or whether its more of a knee jerk 'we can't do it' reaction. Would it help to discuss in real practical terms (space in the house, financial security, if you could physically cope with two very young children etc) and also see if there's anything you could change to help you to cope. If you talk through these sorts of humdrum details it might help give you more confidence in whichever decision you make.

Confusedlady12 Fri 28-Mar-14 15:25:13

I feel it's the right choice having an abortion to save myself not coping

But then would I cope you don't know till you try yes I get stressed sometimes with the two I have now but hey doesn't any parent even with one wish bed time would hurry up

I just feel so bad in my self for not giving this baby a chance in life

I'm in a situation nobody knows the answer to not even me

Here's the question

I don't want another baby right now
I don't want to have an abortion

What do I do I feel like I'm on my own I'm not thinking straight my two children are tiring me out with being pregnant also I love my children and also love my unborn but don't think I have it in me to carry this pregnancy on and I feel so ashamed

Confusedlady12 Fri 28-Mar-14 15:28:17

Either way I can't win
My husband said just take a tablet and it will be gone doesn't work like that

How dare he
It's a life a life we made now I'm going to brutally take that life away I listen to the song christina agulaira say something I'm giving up on you and it breaks my heart as that's exactly what I am doing giving up on my child

I just can't do it I can't have my baby things won't work out either way I won't cope either side of this situation

PenguinsEatSpinach Fri 28-Mar-14 15:29:34

Please don't feel ashamed. Many of us have been there. Deciding whether to continue with an unplanned pregnancy is a difficult decision.

But you need real life help, you really do. The way you are talking about the foetus as a baby deserving a chance at life is really demonstrating that you are likely to find abortion a really difficult choice emotionally. There is a temptation as seeing it as a way to press the reset button and have everything go back to how it was. But it can't. There are two new futures and you need to decide which one is best for you. It might be 'least worst' at this stage, but sometimes that is the best we can hope for.

Please, please get some counselling to help you find a decision, whichever way, that you can live with.

PenguinsEatSpinach Fri 28-Mar-14 15:31:32

Sorry, I cross posted with your last post. No, your husband is being very naïve if he truly believes you 'just take a tablet'. That might be how it is for some women, but from the way you are talking, it clearly isn't for you.

Has your abortion provider offered you counselling?

hubbahubster Fri 28-Mar-14 16:46:07

You really need to talk this through with a counsellor at your abortion service. I'm afraid taking a tablet means the pregnancy 'disappears' – it's painful and there's a lot of cramping and bleeding. I don't mean to scare you as you're obviously very conflicted, but your husband clearly doesn't have a clue how the tablets work, and this needs to be an informed choice that works for both of you.

I really hope you're able to air your worries with both a counsellor and your husband and come to a decision you can each live with.

hubbahubster Fri 28-Mar-14 16:46:32

*doesn't mean, not means

Confusedlady12 Fri 28-Mar-14 18:28:42

I have no support other then my husband and he's no good I'm lost and hurting as the day gets closer I just know I will break down

PenguinsEatSpinach Fri 28-Mar-14 18:37:03

That's why you really need to ring whoever the abortion is booked with and get some counselling beforehand. The day is not the time to be working through all of this stuff. Please, please call someone.

Confusedlady12 Fri 28-Mar-14 18:38:31

I can't I'm already broken they will make me feel worse and tell me to keep the baby if love to I can't hurt it but I feel it's the only way I can get through my life and be normal

PenguinsEatSpinach Fri 28-Mar-14 18:42:19

No, they will not tell you to continue the pregnancy. Counselling is not to tell you what to do. It is to help you make the right decision for you.

Please don't push all your feelings down and go through with something you are not ready to decide. Your language is pretty clear that, even if termination is eventually the right decision for you, you need support to be in the right place emotionally to go through with it. The women who are most likely to suffer long term emotional trauma from abortion are the ones who felt pushed into a decision and didn't make peace with it beforehand. It's not even really about what you decide, it's about getting to a place where it is your decision and you can own it emotionally as well as practically.

alita7 Fri 28-Mar-14 18:51:11

can you promise us that if you do it, it will be because you want to, not because anyone else including your husband has pressured you. I hate the idea of you doing it when you don't really want to and then hating yourself and those who pressured you.

Confusedlady12 Fri 28-Mar-14 18:54:52

My life won't ever be the same

PenguinsEatSpinach Fri 28-Mar-14 18:56:09

Well no, but that doesn't mean it will be awful. Every big life experience changes us.

Confusedlady12 Fri 28-Mar-14 19:00:35

This has changed me before I have even done it I feel what is coming and feel pain already for what I'll be doing life is horrible

PenguinsEatSpinach Fri 28-Mar-14 19:04:33

You don't have to do it. Only do it if it is right for you. But whatever you do, please get real life help.

Sweetpea86 Fri 28-Mar-14 19:16:09

Like the other posters I'm pro choice, and wouldn't ever judge you,

Is there some one you can talk to, maybe a GP a close friend or family member?

From your post it's doesn't sound like you fully convinced you want an abortion. You have the right to but is it deffenitly what you want. I think you need to speak to your husband who's being very insenative about it just simply taking a tablet.

Please seek help good luck Hun.

alita7 Fri 28-Mar-14 19:17:23

as penguin says you don't have to do it.
In fact in the position you're in they might not even let you have one. I don't know much about abortions but am I right in thinking you need the psych clearance of 2 doctor's? I think if you came across as you do to us they wouldn't be able to clear you for it.

hartmel Sat 29-Mar-14 13:56:01

Just want to send you a hug. And I hope that you will make the right decision. thanks

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sat 29-Mar-14 14:00:20

Whatever you do I think you need to fully explain it to your DH so he understands. The way he is being currently might end up with you resenting him for his lack of support.

I wish you the best of luck confused sorry you are going through this.

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