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Upset at my husbands reaction to finding out gender of dc2

(22 Posts)
ShoesBagsDresses Mon 17-Mar-14 11:03:24

Before we had our scan we talked about whether we each had a preference. I was honest and said that yes I would really love another DD. DP said he really didn't mind aslong as Baby was healthy.

So we had our scan last week and found out we're having another girl. I am thrilled, over the moon in fact.
But once out of the room my DP was very quiet and blurted out that he was "gutted" it was another girl.
I was a little taken back as i thought he really didn't mind what it was, but I totally sympathised with him, I understand that he probably would have preferred a boy and put myself in his shoes had the roles been reversed.

However it's been a week now and he's still moping about it and hasn't shown any interest in going shopping for baby bits or discussing names with me and he keeps making sarky comments about being surrounded by girls.

I really felt for him but now its starting to upset me and to be honest he's taken away the enjoyment for me. I can't wait to meet DD2!!!

I did say maybe we could try again in a few years but DP is adamant he only wants 2 and so we will not be trying for a third.

Have any of you had partners that have been like this? How did you deal with it? How were they when the baby arrived?

Bowlersarm Mon 17-Mar-14 11:08:12

I am no help, I had DSes. But have you seen the thread running concurrently about the OP disappointed to be expecting her second son? Your situation in reverse. Might be worth looking at it, to get any general tips/information/something you haven't thought of.

Raxacoricofallapatorius Mon 17-Mar-14 11:09:01

There's another thread about this in active convos. It's fine and normal for him to be disappointed. Have you had a proper conversation about it. Let him get it all out and then gently talk about how he's going to start looking forward to the baby he IS having.

ShoesBagsDresses Mon 17-Mar-14 11:16:22

Oh I haven't seen that thread, I'll go and check it out thanks x

whiteblossom Mon 17-Mar-14 11:50:44

being honest here, with my first I wanted a girl...went for scan and you guessed it, it was a boy. I barely made it out of the hospital before bursting into tears, my dh couldent understand why I was so gutted. (we both wanted a girl) but you know what, it was meant to be, it just was. When I saw the girls at his pre-school/school they were a nightmare, I don't think I could have coped! My ds is low maintenance and he is the kindest, most helpful, most loving kid and I wouldent swap him for any girl grin

My dh gets to take him to the football, pub with his mates and their sons, get to have 'man' time, talk footy, have fun with the 3D telly and gadgets...this is what your dh is thinking he will miss but Im sure once the baby is here it will all click into place.

Plus its the man sperm that decide the sex....let him think on that wink

This time I would like a girl, Im ready for that challenge grin but Im thinking its a boy and Im having to say to myself 'its meant to be' buts its tough. I know there are lots of peeps who say its wrong to want one or the other but lets face it we are human (and I want to buy pink glittery pretty things and talk nail polish not engine size ahhhhh)!

RedCountryRoads Mon 17-Mar-14 12:01:29

We didn't find out the sex but i know DH really really wants a boy so I am a little bit worried that when baby arrives if it's a girl he will be disappointed.

I'm sure he will get used to it though OP, He has got what 20 weeks?

Peacenquiet2 Mon 17-Mar-14 13:07:22

My dp wanted a girl this time, we had one of each already but he really was convinced dc3 wud be a girl. I was a bit sneaky and had a 16 week gender scan without him as he was saying he wanted a suprise. I found out i was having a boy.
Then at the 20 week scan i asked him if he was sure he didnt want to find out and he had a change if heart and said he would find out now so i watched his face as the tech announced the sex and saw he was visibly shocked and dissapointed. He didnt say anything at all and has never expressed any displeasure since but i know and could tell he was gutted.

Now dc 3 is here and its a different story, hes as attentive as he was with dcs 1/2 and you wouldnt know he was ever bothered by him not being a girl.
Im so in love with my new little boy i dont care what sex he is :-)

Hopfully once dd2 is here your oh will realise he loves her just as much as dd1 and although he is saying no to dc3 at the moment things may change in the future.

evertonmint Mon 17-Mar-14 13:13:49

Give him time to get over it. He probably had lots of hopes and dreams of having a boy that he needs to let go of and this could take a while. He may not have even realised he would be bothered until told it wasn't a boy. The fact that you really wanted a second DD and are clearly thrilled and trying to get him to shop for the baby already too might also be rubbing it in a little bit. So please do not get cross with him and rein in your delight a little for now. Try to think how you'd feel if the scan had gone the other way and it had been a DS which you didn't want as much as a girl. You would probably need a little while to come to terms with it. Give him the time and space you would probably want too.

hubbahubster Mon 17-Mar-14 14:48:41

It took me two weeks to come to terms with this baby (DC2) being a girl after we found out. DH didn't care and I didn't think I did either, but I was so into the idea of having two DSs that the idea of having a DD never crossed my mind as a reality.

Now I'm getting excited about having a daughter, but it was an adjustment.

Sure your DP will also be excited when he's had a chance to get over his shock. For me, I could still barely believe it a week later, so it doesn't surprise me that your DP is still stunned. Give it time and ease off the name/shopping chat a bit.

ElleDubloo Mon 17-Mar-14 14:52:01

I think your DH will get used to the idea. He won't be able to help himself loving the baby when she's born. A friend of mine is father to two beautiful daughters aged 2 and 4, and he absolutely adores them grin

Gen35 Mon 17-Mar-14 16:52:40

Yeah I agree, he has the right to have the initial reaction he had, he's hopefully a good guy and will sort himself out once he's adjusted.

RhondaJean Mon 17-Mar-14 16:58:07

I really really wanted a boy both times.

I was completely gutted at the 20 week scan with DD2 when they thought it was another girl.

Dh didnt mind, I think he would have liked a boy in theory but he honestly wasnt that bothered. I cannot begin to describe how upset I was.

I absolutely adore my second daughter. There is a difference between the idealised family you have in your mind and then having an actual other living person there, I promise. Dont be too hard on him though - I had to mourn the baby that I wasnt having, if that makes any sense, before I came to terms with the real one.

fifi669 Mon 17-Mar-14 17:22:38

DP and I both wanted a girl, both gutted at the 20 week scan! I have a DS already, he has a DD from a previous relationship and has become dad to DS. He got over the disappointment quite quickly, it's taking longer for me! We both plan on more children though so I'll just have to wait a bit longer to get some of each.

ladythatlunches Mon 17-Mar-14 19:44:23

when we had dc1 my dh really wanted a boy and he was .. I secretly wanted a girl but was happy.

we have then gone on to that have 4 girls smile the last 2 are twins and u thought oh good dh will be disappointed he didn't say anything but there is always a special bond between daddy's and his little girls. my dh adores them .. im just glad we got 1 boy ha ha.

elliebe13 Mon 17-Mar-14 20:33:00

DH really wanted a girl, he's got two boys already from his first marriage! But I wanted my own little boy so I was happy. He was disappointed though, and is making noises about the next one being a girl! But he loves our boy and says he wouldn't change him for anything.

squizita Mon 17-Mar-14 20:41:04

DH wants a little girl. I don't mind. We've been through a lot to make it into 2nd trimester.

I was worried about him wanting a girl too much as we don't know if siblings will be possible (and we have to get this one first, high risk but fx). Although he says "I'd like a girl, but mainly I want a baby. It's a bit like a pie: if you were starving and someone offered you a pie, you'd be very grateful and grab it whether it was steak and kidney or chicken and mushroom." hmm He thinks in pie metaphors quite a lot.

lonesomeBiscuit Tue 18-Mar-14 08:18:07

I thought I wanted girls but have two gorgeous boys that I wouldn't change for the world. I was a bit tearful after the scan with dc2 (as I knew he would be our last baby) but there were two separate processes going on in my mind. My tears were grieving for the little girl that I would never now have and acknowledging all the things that wouldn't now be, whilst at the same time I was immediately in love with (and wouldn't have swapped for the world) the boy that I was actually having.

What I am trying to say is that you can let your dh know that you are sympathetic to his sad feelings while at the same time encouraging him to be pleased about the child he is having. Separating the two may help.

livingzuid Tue 18-Mar-14 09:11:29

I'm having a girl and wanted a boy so badly. Still not quite reconciled to it in my head but am sure once the birth arrives it will be fine.

Your dh needs time to adjust. And once she arrives he will never look back smile,

GoldenGreen Tue 18-Mar-14 09:20:27

Letting go of hopes and dreams is one thing and I quite agree he needs space for that. Moping, lack of interest in the baby you are actually having and snarky comments about being surrounded by girls is not ok IMO.

livingzuid Tue 18-Mar-14 09:23:36

Yes i missed the bit about the comments. Not on. He supports you quietly whilst taking time to process it. Not bitch about it. Tell him enough is enough and to grow up.

evertonmint Tue 18-Mar-14 09:29:49

Yes but demanding he discuss girls names and asking to go shopping for baby stuff when he's still trying to get his head round it isn't actually on either! It's dismissive of his feelings and they have plenty of time for that. And the OP complains it's ruining her excitement but if it had been a boy, it sounds like the OP might have wanted to mope a little, mourn what she isn't having, and would probably not have appreciated an immediate but unnecessary urgency to discuss names and clothes. If he's still like this in a few weeks, it's time to get stroppy but now is the time to give him the courtesy of space to process it.

Raxacoricofallapatorius Tue 18-Mar-14 16:58:00

You can also reassure him that all the stereotypes occasionally trotted out on these threads are nonsense. All that boys are so straightforward but girls are complicated and boys like to do manly things stuff isn't always borne out in practice. I have a dd who plays rugby and climbs trees and wouldn't wear a skirt of you paid her. And a boy who likes pink and dancing. My dd is also incredibly straightforward and easy to parent whereas ds is sensitive and very prone to mood swings. They are who they are and if he's got dreams of muddy sporty sundays, they might just be on the cards anyway. And even if they aren't, it won't matter a jot in the end.

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