How did you decide to have another baby?

[KeepSmiling83]

Hi

We have one DD who is 2.8 years and have started to talk about another one in the past couple of months. We have always said we would have 2 but now the time is here I'm a bit nervous.

I am really worried how it will affect my DD. I am an only child and loved it and my DH does have a sister but it's a very strange relationship (she is clearly the favourite with their parents so he is a bit pushed out). So I haven't really seen loving sibling relationships! I keep thinking about the life my DD could have if we just had her whereas obviously we would have to make different financial decisions with 2. My mum mentioned the same thing when we were talking about it and it makes me feel guilty that another baby would change what we can do for my DD.

I have to say I am also worried I won't love another baby as much as my DD. I know it sounds silly but I love her so much that I can't imagine loving another one like that!

So how did you decide to have another one? How did it impact your first child? Are all these feelings telling me that we shouldn't have any more? Deep down I can't imagine not having another baby but is that selfish of me? I'm so confused!

[Boogles91]

I. Sure youl be ok :) me and my disabled brother have been bought up very close and he is very protective over me. Hes 5yrs older than me. I remember my mum saying to me when i was about two weeks old that my brother said to her am i still your wob? And she replied of course you are and thats my bod lol(nicknames she gave us) when feeding baby encourage other little one to be interested :) same with playing and stuffs get them both involved rarther than paying attention to just one and not the other. I know we all have these worries but i think youl do just fine and alot of it my come naturally to you :) weve already decided few years down the line we will havea nother little brother or sister for our lil man :) as for the financial side of things sacrifices have to be made. You never knkw what your little one might want to do when older. You will love the baby just as much as your first :)

But if you really feel that these things are too much of a problem then talk to your other half as he needs to know how you feel xx

[jimijack]

When the memory of the horrendous birth, 4 years of absolutely no sleep & behaviour issues had begun to fade ds was about 4.5 years old.

We reckoned that we just couldn't have another child like him, so we then decided to go for it.

When it came down to it, we just couldn't have any more children anyway so the decision was taken out of our hands.

[MyNameIsKenAdams]

We initially planned on having a singly, then when dd was about 18mo we decided to ttc one night and got a bfp. Sadly, lost the pregnabcy at 11 weeks. About two months ago we randomly decided to ttc and again, fell pg that night. Hopefully this one will stick, and will be born a month or so before dds third birthday.

We just sort of "went with the flow" - decided one nught to try (both times) and it worked.

[sdaisy26]

It took quite a while (& fertility treatment) to conceive dd so we were really quite blasé about contraception after having her as just didn't think we could conceive naturally. However, we also always knew we'd like more than 1 child if possible - both h & I have siblings & good relationships with them so it wasn't really a conscious decision to start ttc again - I had a mc when dd was 11 months old but amazingly conceived again the following month & am due with ds in a week or so. All the things you say about worrying about what it will be like, whether I could possibly love another child as much as dd are definitely things I've worried about - its only natural I think.

[KeepSmiling83]

Thank you for all the replies.

It's good to know that other people have had the same worries too! I suppose the big thing for me is the affect it will have on DD and will she miss out because we have another baby. I have been very lucky and we have had nice holidays etc because there was only me. All of our friends say that a sibling outweighs all that but because I've never had one its hard to know! But it is good to talk about it people. My DH knows what I think but I don't think he really understands it!

[KeepSmiling83]

Jimijack, its very true though that the decision may be taken out of our hands. We were very lucky to fall pregnant quite quickly the first time as I've had some issues in the past but you never know what may happen this time round.

[Tea1Sugar]

When dd turned 3 we thought it'd be a good time to start trying as dd would be starting school soon and we'd have dedicated all that time to her and felt it would be a good time for another. Dd2 is due in 4 weeks, dd1 is 3y10m and so so excited.

[phoolani]

We had massive worries - the reason there's 3.5 years between our two. I didn't want to 'dilute' the bond with dd by having another and also worried - because dd had been such an easy, sleeping baby - that we'd get a demon for a second! And yes, it did dilute the bond in that my attention etc had to be shared but ds more than filled the gap for both me and my dd (tho only later on for her as he became less boring)! But the only reason I had a second was because I had an overwhelming urge to have one. If you don't think you do want another, don't have one. There's nowt wrong with singles.

[KeepSmiling83]

Tea1sugar, that's lovely. You will get to have some time with both children before your eldest starts school and then have some time on your own with your second baby. If we do fall pregnant straight away then our DD will probably be about 3.7 years so not that different.

Phoolani, I do want a baby I just wonder if I'm being selfish and not thinking about how it will affect our little girl! But thousands of people have siblings and love them. I think I'm just influenced by some of the sibling relationships I've seen!!

[Shroomboom]

I have a very close relationship with my brother, he would do anything for me and he knows I am there for him too. I knew that I didn't want ds to be an only child because I never wanted him to be alone in the world (if something were to happen to dh and I) and also because I couldn't imagine being without my brother. I desperately wanted ds to have a sibling so he too could experience the closeness that siblings can have. It's taken 6 years but dd finally arrived 7 weeks ago DS adores her already, and although I can't force them to be as close as my brother and I are I love the fact that at least it's now a possibility.
As for whether you can love another child as much as the first, believe me you can It took me by surprise but when dd was born she felt like an extension of ds and so both are loved in equal amounts. It is truly amazing.

[aroha77]

I was really interested to read your post cos my main reason to have more than one child is cos I would feel bad at denying my first child (not yet born) the experience of having siblings! So many benefits in my eyes - someone to play with all the time, someone who will stick up for you when you need them, first relationship to figure stuff out it (and a safe place to do it e.g you know it's ok to argue cos they'll always be there), someone else to help you figure out relationships with parents when older and to help look after the parents when even older!
Me and my siblings aren't always best friends by any stretch of the imagination but my experience of having them with me in the world has been such a positive one that I definitely hope to be able to pass it on to my children.

[BeccaBrkr7]

I have a dd 3.3 years and always knew I wanted to have two children! I grew up with 5 younger sisters and at times did feel left out as there was so many of us but I couldn't imagine not having siblings! I'm so close to the 2 eldest and we share so many things! I wanted that for my dd too!
Currently expecting dc2 August 23rd so dd will be 3.10 years old!! Feel like the gap is just right!

[hubbahubster]

I couldn't imagine life without my sister. That pretty much made my decision for me. Selfishly of course we'd be better off financially with just DS, but after 13 years of fighting with my sis we are super close now. There are 4 years between us and a lot of the fights were due to being in such different places due to our ages, so I didn't want such a big gap between my two. DS will be a couple of months short of 3 when DD arrives, took us longer than last time to conceive or it would have been a smaller gap!

[SizzlesSit]

I always wanted 2. DH (an only child) wants at least 2 if not 3.

As for timing, I'd have preferred a smaller gap (there'll be 2.8 years) but the reality of having a very difficult pregnancy plus a non-sleeping baby/toddler coupled with my FT work and frequent migraines meant I couldn't even contemplate getting pregnant any earlier.

Fortunately 2 won't make too big an impact financially for us. Our real dilemma will be for number 3, as we'd need to move flats earlier than planned and it would impact a lot on our everyday outgoings/types of holiday etc.

As for feeling sorry for DS1, well to be honest I feel most sorry for DS2 as DS1 had/has so much attention and one on one from everyone (parents and grandparents) and DS2 will never ever get that.

[mostlyconfused]

There is nothing wrong with only having one child, if that's what you decide is best for you and your family.

Personally , for me, I was always going to have two. I loved growing up with a sister. We didn't have big holidays or anything but I alway had someone to play with at home and was never lonely. Plus now I'm am adult and all grown up, it's great to have someone there when my mum and dad have been ill etc

My little girl is nearly 3 and is always desperate for someone to play with. I'm due in 5 days and sometimes feel guilty for waiting this long!

As I said, everyone is different, but I think nothing beats having a brother or sister to grow up with.