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telling mum

(13 Posts)
alita7 Wed 12-Mar-14 09:50:03

So today I'm meeting my mum for coffee in her lunch break and planning to tell her I'm pregnant. I'm only 5+ 6 bit I suddenly tell her at 12 weeks I think she'll be hurt that I didn't tell her.

Here's the problem:
I'm 20 and in a stable relationship with step kids (DP is 31) we live together with my DSD and my parents have finally accepted that. I'm a student nurse and I've looked into it and will be Able to continue with the course and can have up to a year's break. But I know she will get angry before hearing that I won't drop out.

I also got pregnant at 14 after pressure from my ex to have unprotected sex and I miscarried. It caused a lot of problems as for some reason she told the whole family straight away and as im frlm a Catholic family there was a lot of judgement and unhappiness. I'm so scared she'll be as angry like before as I'm not married and still on my course. Obviousl y before she was justified but now I feel I am a capable adult and this is very different.

However I think I'd still be terrified to tell her if I was 30, married and with my own house because of last time. I keep telling myself that this time it's Ok as unlike before I don't live with her so I can tell her and walk away if I have to until she's calmed down.

So does anyone have any tips? We're meeting for coffee so there's no obligation to stay with each other if there's a problem but don't know quite how to say it. I'm just crossing my fingers she'll respect my wish to keep it quiet in case I miscarry.

NurseyWursey Wed 12-Mar-14 09:55:11

Congratulations firstly flowers

You're 20, you're not a child, and I think you're putting way to much thought into how your mother is going to feel instead of how you yourself feel. Are you happy? I'm presuming you are. I know it's easy for me to say, but you're going to be making a lot of life choices from now until forever and you can't have this worry of your mother hovering over you.

You don't have to tell her yet. Again you're thinking of her instead of what's best for you. She has no idea when you found out so if you want to wait till 12 weeks why not? Just tell her it came as a surprise smile

And when you do tell her, tell her with a smile and excitement. Don't tell her ashamedly, be happy and glowing and hopefully it'll rub off on her and make her realise you aren't ashamed, you're an adult with new responsibilities and fully capable of making your own decisions

Good luck!

Indith Wed 12-Mar-14 09:58:37

Congratulations smile

keep it positive "dp and I have some great news for you, we are so happy. ..." if you show nerves then you open yourself up for her to jump on your insecurities. She is your mum, I'm sure she only wants the best for you but if you seem nervous she will start thinking you are not entirely happy.

Sure your course will be fine. I'm a student mw at the moment and it is def treated as pretty normal for people to go on maternity and then come back, it is treated like a job in practical terms.

alita7 Wed 12-Mar-14 10:10:10

I know it seems like I'm putting her feelings first but I think that's because that is the sort of person she is - she can be quite egocentric... when I was younger she told me she thought I purposely picked boyfriends she didn't like to annoy her - as if?! She's also been the sort of person who is more interested in her appearance (ie insists on spending hours in the bathroom) on my special days than on mine.

So Yeh it's going to be hard even though I'm ecstatic about it as I can't imagine how I can say it to her with a smile!

I am going to meet my best friend before hand though and tell her first so the first person other than DP that I tell will be positivr, hopefully I will get into a better frame of mind then!!

Indith Wed 12-Mar-14 11:53:08

Keep that positive frame of mind! You are an adult, settled and happy about this pregnancy!

I'm sorry your mum can be difficult to get along with. I hope she warms to the idea soon as she sees how happy you and your dp are.

FWIW think all parents can find it hard to let go of their children when they become adults. My dad told me to have an abortion when I was pg with dc1 shock. I was 23 hmm. around 8 years later my then bf and I are married and have 3 dcs. He just found it hard at first to reconcile this pregnant adult woman with his little girl, I think the fact that I was student like you made it harder as he still saw me as a dependent child and did worry about how I would finish my degree.

squizita Wed 12-Mar-14 12:28:08

My Dad was the one who I knew would freak out (we suspect he is mildly ASD plus he's had childhood trauma and doesn't deal well with change, risk or lack of control in his own kids... would rather me not try than have the unpredictability of a high risk pg).

Is there anyone who might "mediate" - someone calm and neutral who could come along too? In my case it was my mum. She pre-warned my dad and knew how to calm him down.

alita7 Wed 12-Mar-14 12:43:47

Squizita I wish I could have a mediator, any volunteers?

No if I tell anyone before her (that she know of) then she'll be mad about that :/

DiddyBeth Wed 12-Mar-14 13:06:06

Hi smile I didn't want to read and run. I am 19, but will be 20 when the baby comes. My only fear of being pregnant was how my mom would react, she was also pregnant at 20 and had made it clear that she did not want that for me and was initially very shocked but is now super excited to be a Nan.

I made sure not to tell any friends or family before her as I knew it would upset her, though my boyfriends mom was home when I found out and I just had to tell her grin Just remember to emphasize that you are 20, in a serious relationship and can support yourselves. I found that really helped once she had calmed down from the initial shock. I hope it all goes well, and at least you can go to your own home afterwards smile

Congratulations !! smile

Writerwannabe83 Wed 12-Mar-14 13:08:04

I empathise!!

In my situation though I was absolutely dreading telling my Grandparents. Bear in mind I'm married, me and DH both have good careers and are in our 30's grin Due to a health condition I had they'd always been very anti me TTC and constantly voiced their disapproval about me and DH wanting a baby whenever they got the opportunity.

They were the 1st people to be told about the pregnancy and I told them when I was just under 14 weeks. It took me 30 minutes of awkwardly sitting in their living room until I found the courage to actually tell them I was pregnant. When I informed them I said it so quietly/meekly because I was so scared of how they'd react - I certainly didn't come across as happy and upbeat grin

Ironically enough they were absolutely Gobsmacked and over the moon!!!! There was no negativity at all, I honestly couldn't believe it!! They were really, really happy for me when I had genuinely been expecting a HUGE lecture!!!

They probably have a few whinges and grumbles behind my back but to my face they have been nothing but excited and supportive.

The best of luck with your mum OP and I hope you get a lovely surprise reaction too - it really may not be as bad as you think.... smile

alita7 Wed 12-Mar-14 13:23:32

Diddy beth wish mine had been young too but she was 31 so can't even say look you managed at 20 :/

Well I'm meeting her in 6 minutes so wish me luck :/

Indith Wed 12-Mar-14 14:02:13

Hope it has gone well for you.

alita7 Wed 12-Mar-14 14:24:30

Thanks for all your help. I sat there with the fastest heart rate ever while she was telling me all about my dad and my brothers latest falling out and eventually spat it out. She was Ok in the end much to my surprise - she isn't best pleased but we managed to have a laugh and talk about possible plans and I think she'll be fine with it after its sunk in. Being positive seems to have worked!Although she did suggest we got married x)

Indith Wed 12-Mar-14 15:12:26

smile pleased it went better than expected. Sure she will be an excited gran before too long.

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