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Parents driving me insane

(20 Posts)
aussiemumtobeuk Sun 09-Mar-14 11:57:19

This is my first post and its a bit of a rant so please forgive me! I was due yesterday and my parents have come over from OZ to be a part of this happy time. Since I was three months I have been telling them that I am concerned about them coming over, asking them for patience and understanding after my husband convinced me it was a bit selfish not letting them be here for the birth of their first grandchild and because i'm an only child. I reluctantly gave in and and believed i was doing the right thing, especially after my dad had a heart attack when I was just gone 4 months. But i have been dreading them coming- now you could think that I will say that they are overbearing etc but they aren't really, just really want to help and be a part of this experience. The only problem is i am a bit of a nightmare for not accepting help and really hating it when people try and tell me what to do (which they do in a parenty type way not really bossy). So have been behaving badly, and I know it- but not wanting to socialise with them and avoiding them which isn't helping.
Anyway I decided I couldn't bite my tongue any longer and asked them not to take the piss out of me in front of other people. My dad got really upset (a side effect of the heart attack) and brought that up and said they can't do anything right. I agreed! But I did say I have been warning you about this for the last 6 months and we came to peace again. Asked my mum if she had anything to say and she comes out with "I don't think i'll ever get over this". I know I've been horrible but I also feel like, I didn't ask you for this, you wanted to come here, I warned you about it and you still came. I feel like they just want me to be the perfect daughter and we have a lovely friendly relationship which in reality its not bad but I would really just prefer my own space at this time. So at the moment no one is getting what they want and my DH is peace talker and thinks I need to get over it. I totally agree but really am struggling with it.
Any advice please would be appreciated!

pictish Sun 09-Mar-14 12:01:01

Are they staying in your house or elsewhere?

aussiemumtobeuk Sun 09-Mar-14 12:03:58

In my small 3 bed terrace house with step son in shoe box room and big dog. They are actually in the babies room so I can't set that up which is another small bug bear!!

pictish Sun 09-Mar-14 12:10:12

Well then it's no wonder they are getting on your tits! Houseguests are like fish, after three days they start to matter who they are!

They should have organised accomodation elsewhere imo. You are suffering from cabin fever. In the same circumstances, so would I be. At your stage of pgcy it's a shame you can't stick on your jamas, sprawl gracelessly on the sofa and watch three hours of Friends repeats, instead of having to look after your parents.
Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.

aussiemumtobeuk Sun 09-Mar-14 12:44:17

Thanks pictish - i do feel bad but its reassuring that its not completely abnormal!! x

JoinTheDots Sun 09-Mar-14 12:52:11

You are hormonal. You are nearing the end of your pregnancy. It is not surprising that they are getting on your tits and you had a bit of a blow up with them.

If you want to clear the air, tell them these things and say sorry, but they need to forgive you because pregnant women are allowed.

They should have found somewhere else to stay really, but I can understand wanting to be close to you and save money. I am sure it wont be long now...

pictish Sun 09-Mar-14 12:55:49

A lot of people on here will probably disagree with me, but I think them coming to stay in your house during this event is a bit inappropriate. If there is any time a person needs space to please themselves and let it all hang out a bit, it is just before/during/after the birth of a baby. As well as being wonderful and exciting, it's also a messy, emotional, selfy time too. It's not a time to be worrying about guests, making polite cheery conversation, and playing hostess. Even to your own parents.

Visiting is one thing...but staying in your house quite another. If you were able to offer them the West Wing or something, fine...but in a small terraced...just no! I'd feel utterly suffocated by the responsibility of them.

ThedementedPenguin Sun 09-Mar-14 13:01:38

Obviously you know your parents and how they'll react, is there any chance they could book a b&b for a few days? Or go visit some friends or family?

I would of hated this situation at the end of my first pregnancy. I went over and just wanted to be alone and sulk. I of course went to visit family, etc but on my terms.

Explain how your feeling to them and see if they can come up with any solutions?

ThedementedPenguin Sun 09-Mar-14 13:03:14

I completely agree with pictish I would have hated anyone staying with me at the end if pregnancy.

I've 4 weeks left in this one and I'm already getting annoyed with Dp being around a lot.

pictish Sun 09-Mar-14 13:08:07

I can totally understand them wanting to be there for this stupendous, life changing, wonderful event of course. They love you, and want to be a part of it!
I'm just not that sympathetic to them rocking up in your actual doorstep and being in your face 24/7. I already know without a shadow of a doubt that I will never do this to my own children. I value MY space, and respect the arse out of other people's too.

Expecting you to be sweetness and light right now is bloody unrealistic. You will be on tenterhooks, short tempered, uncomfortable and possibly a bit weepy as well. For your mum to say she'll never get over this is rather selfish and silly of her.
Sounds to me like you all need a bit of breathing space eh?

exWifebeginsat40 Sun 09-Mar-14 13:29:38

my mother came to stay for 3 weeks at the end of my pregnancy with DD. it was HORRIFIC. she had no boundaries at all - was instructed not to come to the hospital when i was in labour, but the midwife at shift change informed me she was outside the delivery room! exH was sent out to tell her to piss off.

this was 14 years ago and i can vividly recall the sense of suffocation. agree that they should find a B&B to give you some space. you will not want them there when you bring baby home - that's time for you 3 to settle in as a new family.

best of luck whatever happens!

whiteblossom Sun 09-Mar-14 15:04:37

Oh dear- well you did warn them but no one listened did they!!

Staying at your house is a step too far, clearly space is an issue plus you want to do babys room. They need to back off and accept you need space right now. I think that's understandable, as I see it they are added pressure, and your dh is not helping.

Can they stay somewhere near by? They are not helping your relationship at the moment and Id not be too happy with your mothers comment about never getting over it. This is your experience, your house, your baby, your moment. Not hers and she is making it about her and how she feels not you.

boopdoop Sun 09-Mar-14 16:31:42

Totally understand, had mine to stay for a few days 2 weeks before I was due and just survived. Love them, but needed space, it was my first few days of maternity leave and kind of resented having anyone there at that time. I was due a few days ago and whilst it's a bit boring waiting for something to happen, I really don't feel very social right now, and find the phone calls and texts from family irritating enough even though they are just being nice. Really couldn't cope with anyone staying in my house right now.

Boogles91 Sun 09-Mar-14 20:17:56

Im lucky to bphave a different type of relationship with my parents. They dont care if i sit there in my jammys all day n stuff like that. They understand. To me yours dont sound very understanding :/ they should be rallying around after you lol without trying to annoy you. On the other hand i wouldnt be able to live that far away from mine as we are close. They should know your going to have outbursts and say things you dont mean, and then apologise for later. My dad always tells my mum if shes getting to over protective in telling me what to do lol smile and they shouldnt be tryna take over your little home either. Just try talking to them but ask them to listen and understand you, you are their daughter xx

LavenderFox Mon 10-Mar-14 07:56:59

Is there a way you could get them out if the house most days? It is not going to be very easy to go into labour with your living room full of people. That would be my worst nightmare, especially when you should ideally stay at hime for as long as you can in your first labour but if you can't make any noise or wander around as you please, that would be just awful.

I am sure the storms will blow over regarding the hurt feelings stuff, especially once the baby is here but I would explain to them about the hormones that start labour and that how they cannot work if the mother isn't given total peace and privacy. Bickering with you is the worst thing they can do right now. You need to feel happy, relaxed and safe in order to go into labour and if they can't make that happen, they need to go and stay in a hotel on the other side of town until the baby is born.

Stevie77 Mon 10-Mar-14 09:30:12

Erm, I don't think anyone above has said this but if this is how you feel now it'll only get worse after you have the baby. It is really really tough having people around in the first few weeks, and if you feel suffocated now...

I don't have any useful advice as they're already here, it's a done deal. But you need to have a think and come up with a plan - perhaps have a quiet, honest conversation with them now and have a plan in place for when the baby arrives and you're back home. Sure, they'll want to help and be around but is the price of a major fall out worth it?

LastOneDancing Mon 10-Mar-14 09:32:10

I have nothing helpful to offer but I have lots of sympathy for you OP!!

I love my parents but the thought of having them around 24/7 while heavily pregnant is just unbearable! At 36 weeks I just want to be left alone in my pants, covered in bio-oil, eating sweets.

You said this would happen, you warned them that you would not be the happy host. It's their fault for not listening - particularly DH who should have supported what you wanted, not tiptoed around other peoples feelings! Let him run about & find a solution (bet there are some lovely holiday cottages around for a decent price at the moment! He could go too!) so you can relax and focus on your baby.

TheTerribleBaroness Mon 10-Mar-14 09:34:36

Could you book them a holiday flat somewhere nearby?

Booboostoo Mon 10-Mar-14 09:58:41

They need to move into a hotel and have their own programme of things to do for most of the day. You are all stuck too close together with nothing to take your mind off things! I have no idea how you can tell them all this though without causing world war 3! Can your DH have a talk with them?

Evie2014 Mon 10-Mar-14 10:07:33

Oh for heaven's sake- your mum will "never get over this"? Widdums. Sorry to be a bit rude about your mum but she needs to stop being a drama queen. Both your parents need to stop being so precious. They chose to come over, they are in your space, and it's a Very Bad Time for them to be around. So they're going to have to call on extra reserves of patience if they have indeed insisted on being in your space. I'm sure they are perfectly lovely people but now is a time in your life where you don't want anyone around. Not even the loveliest people.

I feel for you. We are expats living abroad and I'm expecting twins in early June. We've decided that we can't have either set of parents (or anyone) to visit at all from now until the babies are at least 8 weeks. It's just too much. It's all very well when you live in the same country but having visitors who need to be entertained and minded and fed and watered and worried about is absolutely not what we need at this time. Hopefully they will have many years to enjoy their grandchildren but for the moment it's NOT ABOUT THEM.

A good friend of ours has offered her spare room for parents when they do visit when the babies are a bit bigger. Do you have anyone who might be able to help out like that? Maybe explain to your folks that you need to get the baby's room ready?

Banish all guilt, OP. Now is not the time for being the perfect hostess. Or any sort of hostess for that matter!

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