Talk

Advanced search

Would you like to be a member of our research panel? Join here - there's (nearly) always a great incentive offered for your views.

How to answer awkward questions?

(17 Posts)
RandomInternetStranger Fri 07-Mar-14 01:31:23

I am pg by anon donor and am expecting a lot of awkward questions about the father as it is no secret that I am single. I do not think it any of anyone's business how I fell pg or who the father is but even among my best friends and close family I've already had judgemental and rude comments and questions. I'm no good at coming up with quick replies unless they consist of 2 words, can you think of some good "I'm not discussing this with you, mind your own business" replies which won't offend or cause an argument or cause untrue rumours to do the rounds? Thanks ladies! smile

Innogen Fri 07-Mar-14 02:33:16

I'd tell the truth I think. I'd rather people know it was a choice than an accident with a random.

How would something like 'I want to be a mother, so I'm becoming one' work?

KarmaBiatch Fri 07-Mar-14 02:39:26

"I was so lucky and got to choose an intellectual and gorgeous sperm without the hassle of there being a man"

It's no one's business, but I see your predicament. Don't let anyone's comments get you down, it's your life, not theirs smile xx

ClearlyMoo Fri 07-Mar-14 04:21:13

Oooh CONGRATULATIONS!!

I think I would've quite enjoyed people's reactions to "I used a sperm donor" because I like making people feel awkward however the above suggestion of "I wanted to be a Mum so I'm going to be" is probably better.

People are SO NOSY! It's none of their business. When we announced our pregnancy (at 13 weeks) we got a lot of "that was quick" as because I'm open about my faith and lifestyle most people knew I had been a virgin when we married 5 months earlier! I found it excruciating essentially announcing "we had sex and it worked" to all and sundry. Lots of "was it planned?" too as if as newly sexually active adults (in our mid 30s) we'd not been aware of the consequences!

I don't think you can stop people being nosy. If I'm honest and knew you in RL I'd probably probe a little cos I'd be fascinated that you'd gone and "done it"!!

You can't change people but you can change how you react to them, so perhaps being upfront and as honest as poss puts you in the strong point. You only have to tell each person once after all!

In the end I just started saying things like "well you never know how long these things might take"/ "we thought we'd see what happened" etc and generally people stopped asking.

All the best and well done!

LastOneDancing Fri 07-Mar-14 04:53:58

There's no shame whatsoever in the choice you've made - I agree, the best way to stop any untrue rumours is, if anyone asks, to say you used a donor.

Some nobber will probably try and start a conversation about the mechanics of who, how and when where you might need to just explain its not up for discussion; but as Moo says, you still get those stupid 'was it planned' comments even when you're in a traditional married setup! Unfortunately we ALL seem to become public property the minute we announce our pregnancy.

Congratulations!

DougalTheCheshireCat Fri 07-Mar-14 05:47:57

Also OP, keep in mind that more or less everyone gets questions around the where / what / how of their pregnancy and relationship. For some reason pregnancy (and early motherhood) somehow makes you fair game for a raft of personal comments and unsolicited advice eg:

When I told my mum I was pregnant, her first response was: 'oh. are you going to get married?'! (Been with dp 5 years)

And as others have said if you are married it's all qs about how quick / slow / planned it was.

One of my NCT group was in boots buying dummies for her 6 week old ds. He was none too happy at the time. The lady behind the counter suggested she open the packet and give one immediately!

My mil gave me several run downs on why slinging our pfb was a bad habit and we'd regret it.

Throughout pg random strangers will touch your bump/ tell you you are big/ small/ it's a boy / girl. Tell you about their birth, tell you how you should do yours etc.

The whole thing makes you public property somewhat.

I found it annoying too, what I'm trying to say is we're all in the same boat here no matter how your doing it. Part of parenthood is fielding others unwanted 'helpful' advice. There again, about 20% of it is helpful!

think part of it is a bit primal, part of it is that many people, esp in the older generation, take a while to get comfy with their daughters / friends daughters breaking the rules they had to live by. Part of it is people justifying or reassuring themselves of their own choices, part of it competitiveness. Etc etc. there aren't many people who are secure enough to respond to you for you without bringing their own stuff into it.

Good luck With everything! Xx

weebairn Fri 07-Mar-14 05:56:17

I know two lesbian couples and one single lady who used donors, they were all very upfront about it and said they haven't had too much hassle (a few stupid jokes). I think I would probably stick to the simplest explanation: "I used a donor" and then change the subject afterwards.

Also, congratulations, and hope you have a lovely straightforward pregnancy!

Huffpot Fri 07-Mar-14 06:23:10

Congratulations! One of my friends has also used donor sperm and is single - she has a beautiful little girl now.
Other than close friends she also isn't telling people about how she fell pregnant. She said she finds just saying "he's not involved" when asked heads most people off at the pass.
smile

SweetPea86 Fri 07-Mar-14 07:44:26

Hi Hun firstly Congratulations smile

The other posters are right it's no ones business. But one thing I've found with go being pregnant is people become advisors and very judgemental. So just be honest and tell them lots of women use donars.

For about the first few months of me telling people I was preg the first thing people say before saying congrats say when are your getting married. WTF it's 2014.

Just see how you feel when people ask some people just deserve being told to F off lol
(Pregnancy rage) smile

RandomInternetStranger Fri 07-Mar-14 10:59:26

Thank you all! I think the main thing I'm worrying about is the parents at DDs school. Random strangers and family, friends and new mothers at baby groups & nct etc I can handle but the cliquey bullies at the school gates are another league all together. And whatever I say will get round and follow me and DD for years. Honestly the mothers at school are far worse than the kids, horrible bunch! I think I will end up just simply saying I wanted a baby so I'm having one and just it's not up for discussion with any further probing. I don't actually like our care about them or what they think but they are a bunch of judgemental bullies and I just want to nip it in the bus with them straight away though I suppose there's not much I can do to stop a certain amount of gossip going round. smile I have already had a couple of comments from close friends I really didn't expect about being a single mum and the poor cold being raised without a father.... I'm nearly 37, not 15 and it's 2014 not 1940! Thanks for the replies!

PosyFossilsShoes Fri 07-Mar-14 13:15:40

Congrats!

DP and I (both wimmins) are using an anon donor too. No awkward questions yet but I think if asked, I would just say "We used a donor" or go for the Mumsnet classic "Did you mean to be so rude?" Maybe substitute "intrusive" for rude.

Or have fun and make up something so wildly outrageous that nobody will actually believe it. Alien abduction? Carrying the Messiah? Look conspiratorial and say "Gosh yes, I only wish I knew which of the gorgeous tanned young hotties at the Bacchanalian orgy was the father!"

I think "I'm nearly 37 not 15 and it's 2014 not 1940" is a perfectly good response too!!

Innogen Fri 07-Mar-14 13:23:14

Haha, loving the immaculate conception route!grin

Evie2014 Fri 07-Mar-14 13:23:21

I'd keep it short, simple, consistent and final.

"The father isn't in the picture." End-of-discussion nod, smile, change subject.

Tis nobody's business but your own.
Congratulations!

RandomInternetStranger Fri 07-Mar-14 14:36:21

That's it, alien abduction, sorted, thank you! grin grin

Plateofcrumbs Fri 07-Mar-14 15:04:06

The question I'd be asking is what are you telling DD about where here future sibling has come from, and how does school-gate gossip impact that?

You might feel it's none of their business but rumours flourish in the absence of information, and with the exception of same-sex couples I don't think donor insemination would be most people's first thought, leaving them to think what? One night stand? Illicit relationship? Who is the father? Do we know him? Is he contributing? Why not?

Personally I would think you're leaving yourself more open to unpleasant rumours by being ambiguous than you are by being up-front.

I think it's a brave choice you should be proud of. As others have said you'll get questions and comments regardless - I think I'd prefer people to make comments on the truth than about rumour and speculation.

PosyFossilsShoes Fri 07-Mar-14 15:05:36

* peers over horn rimmed glasses *

The immaculate conception actually refers to the doctrine that the Virgin Mary was herself born free of Original Sin. It does not refer to the Virgin Birth which is what people often mean by immaculate conception.

* pompous cough *

[/pedant]

flymo79 Fri 07-Mar-14 16:05:31

congratulations and good luck! I would head off the gossip at the pass by telling any close confidantes who might support you at the school gates. If the mums are bullies and you are worried about the gossip I would tend to agree with plate that being up front should make for less intrigue, but if they are narrow-minded enough that they will gossip about you anyway, when you have been open about how you conceived, they can piss off!! You sound like a strong person for making this choice, I would rather get to know you than gossip about you!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now