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Struggling to come to terms with abortion and post-abortion regret

(4 Posts)
Bella619 Mon 03-Mar-14 15:42:40

I am new to mumsnet so apologies if I have posted this on the wrong part of the site.
I had an abortion 2 months ago at 10 weeks and have been devastated ever since. I am mid-30s and childless and was delighted when I discovered I was pregnant - although my relationship with the father was and is not stable, I was happy to have the child as a single mum, am financially secure and have a supportive family.
I wasn't able to tell the father for some time but his reaction was even worse than I anticipated and in just a few hours he had convinced me to have the termination and one day later I was at the clinic - until you've been in that situation it is hard to see how it is possible for an independent and educated woman to be coerced in that way, and I know now I was so vulnerable with the hormones I was really in no fit state to defend my wishes. The clinic (Marie Stopes) were awful - I was sobbing the whole time I was there and barely able to speak, and their 'aftercare' was a joke. I know I walked in there and signed the consent but I was in a terrible state.
I would do anything to turn back the clock now and am scared that I will never recover from this and it is all I think about. I tried the Marie Stopes phone counselling service which didn't help, and have been supported by close friends and family, but I am just full of regret and guilt. I am also scared that this was my opportunity to have a child and that I might struggle to conceive again. Does anyone else have a similar experience of aborting a pregnancy as a childless 'older' woman - but who then went on to have successful pregnancies?
Please don't tell me how stupid I have been, I already know that sad

Tinkerisdead Mon 03-Mar-14 15:52:14

Hi i had a very similiar experience. I was 24 in a really great relationship and got pregnant. Initially things were euphoric but my then partner got cold feet. He was really nasty and said he'd leave, never be involved with the baby and didnt want it. I had a termination as I couldnt bare the thought of my child knowing their dad just didnt want them. In hindsight I should have realised what a cockhead i was shacked up with!

After my termination I haemorraged and had to be rushed back to hospital. Afterwards I had all manner of regrets and felt like the haemorrage was my "punishment". I was 11 +4 with my termination and i was , and still am, haunted by the stage I was at etc. i went to the GP who was amazing and referred me for pregnancy loss counselling for co-erced abortion. It was massively helpful and now 11 years on im happy with a family etc with a great guy.

If your really struggling there is counselling available. I know i felt like a fraud asking for help. That it was my decision and i didnt deserve pregnancy loss counselling for a pregnancy i ended. But the counsellor was well rehearsed in dealing with abortion regret etc and gave me a very helpful book called "sometimes love means letting go"

Only1scoop Mon 03-Mar-14 15:56:34

Maybe look into some counselling....definately look at your relationship ....you may start to feel resentful....if you don't want the same things in life move on.

Tomkat79 Mon 03-Mar-14 16:43:03

Hi bella, no experience of this situation myself but I really feel for you reading your post.

Pregnancy hormones can make you do and feel all sorts of things and it's very easy to feel vulnerable.

You know that you cannot change the past, you need to try and move this forward the best way you can. I'm not a massive believer in guilt. I've done some bloody stupid things in the past but try not to look back with regret. You terminated your pregnancy as you felt you had no choice or support. That doesn't mean that the opportunity won't happen again to bring up a LO in a loving supportive relationship that you deserve.
What I do know is that you need to give yourself time to grieve for the baby that was terminated and come to terms with it as best you can. It's still very early days so please don't expect this to happen overnight. I MC a baby at 8 weeks last year and it took months to come to terms with it. It still hurts like hell but it's in its place if that makes sense. Someone told me you need to give time 'time'. Probably not what you want to hear but it's so true. I had a surgically managed MC and have since gone on to conceive as have many people who have had terminations so don't get hell bent on that aspect.

You still have plenty of time to fall in love with a man who wants what you want and things will be different next time. But you can't rush things like that as you know. Be kind to yourself OP thanks

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