Although my boyfriend and I are very careful when it comes to contraception I have just found out that I am pregnant. I am 27 and he is 26 and we have spoken in the past about our different feelings when it comes to having kids, I've always wanted them, he doesn't. We have often spoken about marriage and spending the rest of our lives together but in all honesty we sort of swept the kids issue under the carpet with a "we'll cross that bridge when we come to it" attitude. Well we are now at that bridge, albeit much earlier than either of us expected to be, and his stance has definitely not changed. He never fully shared his reasons with me until I told him I was pregnant and we'd tried to discuss our options. His worries include the fact that he thinks he is going to die young, we lost his father 2 years ago at the age of 53, and that because he suffered from drug addiction in teenage years that any child we have will suffer the same problems, as well as the financial implications of suppporting a child and that he is angry that his "life is over" if we have a child. Although I understand his concerns I don't want to have an abortion. The physical and emotional effects of abortion that I have witnessed and researched are too much for me too risk and I feel that if I agree to terminate my pregnancy then I will regret it for the rest of my life. I have in the past suffered from depression and the thought of possibly facing that again terrifies me.
The worst part about all of this is that I feel that whatever decision we make our relashionship will breakdown either way. If I have an abortiin because of his wishes then I will resent him for it, and I fear that if we contuinue with the pregnancy and have a child then he will resent both me and our child.
Thankyou for taking the time to read this. Any advice anyone could share would be hugely appreciated, I don't know how to fix this.
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Pregnancy
I have just found out I am pregnant but my boyfriend doesn't want kids
kdakota · 24/02/2014 23:45
Ultimatum time isn't it?
"I want this baby and I will have it. I want you to be involved and stay with me because you love me and we will both love our child. If you can't do this then we will have to separate. You can have as much or as little input in your child's life as you want but you will pay CM as it is your child."
You need to be prepared for a split. However I think it's best to inform him of your intentions (keeping baby) clearly and then back off to give him space.
It's scary and stressful, but you can and will get through it.
Congratulations on your pregnancy! 
Are you living together at the moment? you mention that you have often talked about getting married etc, but do his actions match up with this?
It may well be that at the moment he is just shocked and scared and will come around, however...
I have a friend who after lots of long conversations with her OH, decided to have a baby (prior to this he kept saying he was not sure if he wanted them at all or if he was ready)
Initially he was pleased when they got pregnant, but has on and off resented her since (LO is now 3yrs old) and she has almost sole responsibility for him despite the fact they live together, Basically it is up to her to make all child care arrangements etc and they both work. He justifies any argument with the fact that she was the one who really wanted a baby, not him.
Obviously there is a lot wrong with my friends relationship but she never quite manages to leave him when things get rough now that they have a little one. I don't think she would have put up with the rest of his emotional/manipulative crap if not.
What I am trying to say is if you have concerns about his reaction/anger and phrases like "life will be over" it might be a sing of a part of him you don't know well at all, so be careful.
He might be lovely, but it might be worth telling him clearly what you are going to do, moving out/getting him to move out and telling him he can carry on the relationship if he honestly wants both of you.
If it goes well, fine move back together, but a bit of time apart might give you both some perspective on how you feel about each other.
Sorry I've not been very articulate (baby brain!)
Incidentally my OH said he did not think he wanted kids when we first got together8 years ago - I said I had always envisaged myself with children in the future but would deal with PG or maternal urges as they arrived! (oh and I did tell him that if he was not prepared for the possibility of children you should not have sex!)
After TTC for 2 1/2 yrs we both very happily 24 weeks pg.
Basically he was scared about being crap at it and did not want to admit to wanting something that he might find hard or will make him emotionally vulnerable. I started getting maternal urges 3 years ago I think. I have spoken to him about he fact that I too find it scary!! 
good luck taking this through with him, hopefully you will be able to figure out what you need to do in the next few weeks. It may well be ultimatum time soon, but give yourselves both a bit of breathing space to process this.
he feels that I am being selfish because I alwyas knew he didnt want kids
He's being selfish, not you. You were careful with contraception, but none are infallible. He could have had the snip. Abortion is about a woman's right to bodily autonomy, not a man's right to opt out of paternity by forcing her to terminate.
I'm really sorry you are facing this. It's hard. I've had a termination by choice (another was due to an ectopic pregnancy, so I'd have died otherwise - most pro-life types will give me that one!) and never felt regret about it. But I knew it was the wrong time and I couldn't give a childhood a child should have. If you know this pregnancy is wanted, and you feel a connection with it, then terminating would IMO be a very bad idea. Pro-choice means just that. It's your choice. It's a woman's right to choose because it's her body. He has no right to pressure you or be angry that you won't exercise that choice at his convenience, especially when it would be so deeply traumatic for you.
His reasons may be heartfelt and sincere, in which case I think couple's counselling could help. Or they could be manipulative bollocks, in which case he is an arse. You will have an instinct on which. But none of them sound sane, in all honesty, other than the money. And the idea it will "ruin his life" is laughable. It's a child, not an agonising, incurable disease.
If he does walk away, bear in mind that CSA payments are not calculated when you get tax credits etc - it's a top up, so the child benefits from that parental money instead of the taxpayer. I mention that because it could make things easier financially for you, perhaps? I'd work out what you would be entitled to as a single parent in terms of state help, unless you're on a very high income. It will give you some clarity, going forward, if you know what position you'd be in as a single parent. You can also calculate what child support he'd have to pay, there are calculators for that online.
And finally - congratulations. Being a mum is wonderful. 
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