Feeling a bit down after midwife app

[SweetPea86]

Went to see midwife today, I'm 32 weeks so was to discuss my birth plan. There was two midwives one was a student and a midwife watching over her, I didn't mind the young lady was really lovely and helpful. But I felt akward. I'm so scared about child birth and when she mentioned pain relief and was talking me through it, the main midwife expressed how women shouldn't being using drugs to help with the pain, which now I'm freaking out as I thought they would give you pain relief to help.

I don't want an epidural and she said I couldn't any way because I was low dependency, but she kept making a point as women too many of us expect all the drugs to get us through birth. I felt as though she was pushing her views on me. I've come away from the midwife feeling even more scared of labour. I thought they were to suppose to listen and help you.

I just feel like shit now and confused and scared :(

[ChicaMomma]

Ugh, what a horrible woman. She is doing the wrong job completely!!

[funkypigeon]

That's poor practice, to put it bluntly. Really awful. I'm so sorry you've been through this. You absolutely have the right to know what choices are available for pain relief and the midwife should not have imposed her very obvious opinions on you in this way.

Part of the problem with epidurals is that it can slow down labour, and also that it may not help baby get into the best position for birth. That's not to say it isn't still an option for you.

Have you been to antenatal classes? There is usually one where birth options are discussed in detail.

Good luck

[urmydarlings]

what a stupid woman!
Fingers crossed she wont be your deliver midwife, but even if she is don't let her intimidate you.
Go for whatever pain relief you want, your labour , your choice.
Goid luck , you'll be fine.

[funkypigeon]

What I meant to say as well though, was when she mentioned about epidurals she was probably trying to tell you the reason you can't/shouldn't have one but in a really crap way!

[TerrariaMum]

She sounds horrible. What a nasty thing to say. I found during my labours that knowing pain relief was available if I wanted it made me less likely to need it so she is being spectactularly unhelpful.

I will tell you what helped me with my first labour. I read it on here. There are a limited number of contractions and each one brings you closer to meeting your little one. Also, do what makes you feel most comfortable as that will help you cope.

However you do it, you are doing something special and wonderful. You have created a new little person. That is an impressive achievement in itself.

[PenguinBear]

Utter rubbish... I'd put it a complaint about her I professionalism and request a new appointment with someone who will actually support you and talk you through the options with an unbiased view!

[PastaandCheese]

terraria's experience was the same as mine. Knowing I could have an epidural meant I didn't have one iyswim? I just kept thinking 'I'll do another 30 mins and see how I feel'.

When she says low dependency does she mean you're in a midwife unit where they aren't available? Presumably you could transfer to consultant unit if you needed to?

There aren't any medals awarded and I bet she has all the drugs going at the dentist so ignore her and take what you need to get through it.

[Boomgoestheweasel]

She sounds terrible. I'm a midwife, our job is to make sure you know the risks and benefits of each type of pain relief and what's available, not ram our personal opinions down people's throats! I can understand that epidural may not be available at a low-risk birth centre but it's your choice to use a centre like that or not. Poor student if she's learning from someone who makes her ladies feel so terrible!

Perhaps you could phone the unit you're booked at and ask to speak to a midwife who actually works there about pain relief options. I would make it clear you're feeling anxious and want clarification. Antenatal classes are also a good idea.

[SweetPea86]

Thanks for all the adivce. And boomgoestheweasel thanks makes me feel better that not all midwives are so cold.

I went in there with every intention to tell her my fears about labour. I feel pretty pathetic that I'm so worried about labour when women do it every day. When I got in there I just felt totally intimidated by her and forgot every thing that I wanted to ask.

I've got my next app in two weeks so hopefully I will get a different lady.

I don't want an epidural but it would of been nice to have things explained. I have to say the student was lovely and was going through things with me but the main midwife kept butting in tLking at me telling me women should basically man up lol.

[SweetPea86]

Yes I will get booked in to an antinatel class to get more advice :)

[PastaandCheese]

And book a tour of where you are going to give birth. That will help with your anxiety.

BTW it's completely normal to be fearful at this point. I've done it once before and due again this week and I'm still anxious even though I know that once it has actually started it is something that is happening to you rather than something you are thinking about. Once you get the chance to think about it again it is over if that makes any sense?

[PastaandCheese]

I'm not sure that does make any sense reading it back. I mean that it is such an all encompassing experience that takes all your energy and focus there isn't much of you left to worry and fret!

[Writerwannabe83]

I'm just over 35 weeks and my midwife has never mentioned a birthing plan but I'm assuming that's because I have a C-section booked already.

I had a 2 hour antenatal class about labour and giving birth and it was really interesting and informative. The lady carrying out the session spoke about pain relief in depth (very non-judgemental) and what all the positives and negatives are and I think she was very reassuring to as lot of women. I would definitely encourage you to attend one and take your partner with you.

[coffeeinbed]

She was wrong to say this.
I would complain.

You should feel safe discussing how you feel about labour and your fears.
She probably did mean that midwife led birth centres don't offer epidurals, but if you are scared and want one you can have it.

[weebigmamma]

Having been through my own horrible appointments and only getting them sorted after a complaint I would really recommend asking to see someone different the next time. In fact, don't leave it until then. Phone up and ask to speak to another midwife and tell them how crap you feel.

For what it's worth, I had a 'natural' birth with no pain relief the last time and I wouldn't do it again. This time around I specifically asked about an epidural and the risk of it slowing down labour etc. and I was told that although this can happen loads of women have births which go completely fine with epidural and other forms of pain relief. I didn't need to ask this really anyway because I know women for whom this is the case. Some people think they're doing you a favour giving you the worst case scenario, but when you are scared to death you need reassurance, not to be terrified. The head midwife who I saw (the one who sorted out all my worries in the end) said that she would never have let me leave the hospital on the previous appointment if she'd spotted me being so upset. It was very hard for me to make a complaint because I hate doing that, but it was so worth it. Please don't settle for the scaremongering bullshit. Some people WANT childbirth with no pain relief but others don't. I've been on both sides of the fence- you should have pain relief if you want it. It's not the bloody Victorian era. Good luck!!

[weebigmamma]

PS I can completely understand finding it very hard to say how you feel. I am the exact same. Write down what you want to say and read it off the page if you need to. That's what I did on my last appointment because I knew I wouldn't be able to otherwise.

[WinterDrawsOff]

Please make a formal complaint about this horrible MW.

Did you agree to see the student or was she forced on you?

As for "listening" and "helping you" some MWs appear not to have completed that part of their course.

Please make an appointment to see another MW and talk through your pain relief options again.

I'm sorry you had such an awful appointment OP. The MW you had the misfortune to see is clearly in the wrong job.

[MolotovCocktail]

I haven't read the other's replies, OP, because I wanted to honestly tell you what I think.

I endured a 31 hour labour with a 2hr pushing stage on just gas and air. I was exhausted at the end. Tired for days afterwards, suffering from migraines ...

I don't feel more of a woman or any guff like that because I felt the pain on childbirth. Imho, some midwives have a very masochistic view: not to mention a very money-saving view.

Childbirth wasn't actually as painful as I thought it would be BUT if I was to do it again (ot was ELCS for dd2) I WOULD TAKE PAINKILLERS. INCLUDING EPIDURAL.

Fuck the nonsense that it makes labour last longer. Mine was 31 with just gas and fucking air

Report your midwife. Pain relief is available to you, if you choose. How very dare she make such inappropriate suggestions.

[Blondebrunette1]

It always makes me cross when people decide women who have pain relief are wimps. I have done it with an epidural and with nothing but gas and air and I know which was most relaxed and pleasant before and after for my husband and myself (epidural if you're wondering lol). No one has experienced every type of labour, and only when they have been faced with every scenario would I accept their advice as superior. If you need it have it, if you don't then don't. You get a medal for neither. Ignore her ignorance. Don't worry about labour you will be fine. Xx

[Blondebrunette1]

I agree with Molotov too I was much better after epidural I had after 37 hrs of labour I needed the pain relief, it allowed me to rest until I had to push and afterwards I was far better than the wreck I was after I did it with gas and air alone.x

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

If you see her again tell her when she is giving birth to the baby inside you she can then dictate what pain relief you have.

[SweetPea86]

Thanks ladies really helpful advice, it's Probably because I was already so anxious and I'd prepared my self to tell the midwife this today and once it was a different lady who was being very insensitive I just totally panicked.

In the mean time would u recommend any good books about labour.

I've always stayed clear of one born every minute new series on tonight should I watch this will it help.?

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

Nothing can prepare you for what labour is like. Watch it because you want to see babies being born, not to prepare yourself as there are a huge amount of variations of what can happen in labour.

[MolotovCocktail]

Do watch OBEM because you'll see - no matter what the labour/delivery/CS was like - the pure joy and immense sense of the wonderfully inexplicable that is the birth of a baby

Don't let anyone talk or shame you out of pain relief. Your well-being is vital to your new baby xx

[thecakeisalie]

I love watching OBEM although I don't find myself really comparing it to my own two labours. Watching someone else go through it is so completely different to actually experiencing it. You have no idea how you'll feel until your there and I personally didn't find much that helped me feel more prepared.

The best thing you can do is keep an open mind and not have rigid expectations of how you want things to go. It really helps you adapt to the changing situation. I find it scarier thinking about labour than actually experiencing it.

I'd definitely ignore her views on pain relief and do what feels right for you. Giving birth really is the most intense but worthwhile experience, holding your baby at the end makes it all seem worth it.