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Has anyone clashed with their mum over baby related stuff?

(32 Posts)
Heatherbell1978 Sun 16-Feb-14 18:24:00

I'm 14 wks pregnant with 1st and hubby and I are over the moon. We're both 36 so reasonably mature and think we have everything sorted as far as our life arrangements go. My mum is so excited as it'll be her 1st grandchild but just off the phone with her and although I'm keen for her to help out a lot with the baby, I'm now worried about her 'knowing best' attitude. She'd 'been thinking' that perhaps our flat isn't suitable for a baby (it is) and why don't we buy a house near her or 'even better' move in with her while I'm on mat leave to save some money (lol). She also seems a bit offended that I plan to put the baby in nursery at least a few times a week rather than let her be a full time carer when I go back to work; she thinks I'm mad spending money on nursery but in reality I don't want my mum bringing up my baby and I like the thought of my baby mingling with other kids at nursery. She also scoffed when I told her that any 2nd hand cot she buys needs a new mattress.....I got the whole 'in my day' chat.
Am I needlessly worrying or has anyone else clashed with their mum over their baby? x

twentyten Sun 16-Feb-14 18:28:28

Oh yes!!!! You will hear from so many others! Welcome to the club. Think about what you and your dh want. Boundaries now! Good luck!

superlambanana Sun 16-Feb-14 18:30:36

Not my mum but MIL definitely. Am absolutely dreading the 'advice' I get when we have ours. I've been told I'm silly for avoiding pate and Brie - got the 'in my day', though I pointed out that in her day Brie wasn't really available in this country - been told finding out the sex beforehand is wrong, and much more besides. I completely sympathise as it drives me nutty!!

xfilefan Sun 16-Feb-14 18:44:06

oh yes dont worry its a regular for me too! funny thing is for us my mum and my mil are full of advice but often the opposite things-my mum thinks its madness I keep ds up till 8.30 bed time, wheras my mil finds that way too early for example. You just have to go with what works for you, its your baby and different things will suit your way, and of course things are different from how they used to be-my mums always saying how we all slept on our fronts, on solids really really early etc, and I often get stressed when it feels judgey-like my mum being amazed that hes not sleeping through the night yet as 'he really should be by now', that kind of attitude, but Ive dealt with it quite jokingly etc and we both laugh at the differences in parenting-I think sometimes I must offend her when standing up for my parenting as of course what she did was her own way of parenting and worked well for her, so dont get too annoyed with it, they are just trying to help, and also they do bring very good advice sometimes that I often find myself openly dismissing with her and then trying later on!

Cariad007 Sun 16-Feb-14 18:46:47

My mum was horrified when I said the current advice is to only bathe babies every other day. Also, we were lotioned, baby cologned and powdered to within an inch of our lives and I've told her I don't want to use highly fragranced products on my baby and that I might use cornstarch instead of talcum powder. Her reaction was "yuck" but given what I've read about talc it think cornstarch is the safer alternative!! It's probably good that she lives in Oz, although she is coming over for several weeks to help (hah!) me after the birth...

Fairylea Sun 16-Feb-14 18:48:36

Nod and smile and ignore.

You have years of this to come, from everyone.

Welcome to parenthood. It's where everyone knows best. smile.

amandine07 Sun 16-Feb-14 18:48:48

Hi Heather- congratulations!

Yes indeed welcome to the club...never forget it's you and DH building your family life together, not about what your mum wants.

We live in a flat and I had endless lectures, loaded comments and downright criticism that we weren't running out the door getting mortgaged up to the eyeballs for a house that, quite frankly, we cannot afford right now.
I felt the criticism acutely, like my parents were saying that we weren't being good parents by choosing to stay in our home- which happens to be a flat, which we are renting (horror of horrors!).

I was in tears a few times after speaking with my mum...then I came to realise that it really was all about me and the OH and our baby- our own family that we were creating.

Don't stress too much- pregnancy can be a strange time. I hoped that it would bring me closer to my mother, it has really since my son was born, but in the build up I was shocked at some of the stuff she came out with.

I guess I was disappointed that she wasn't how I thought she would be- bloody excited to be expecting another grandchild!

TheOnlySeven Sun 16-Feb-14 18:52:21

Definitely just nod, smile and ignore.

And if you get anymore 'in my day' comments about safe sleeping issues, I'd reply something along the lines of "yes but in your day 80% more babies died from SIDS than they do following the current guidelines".

Shellywelly1973 Sun 16-Feb-14 18:53:23

I've just had my 6th dc...She's 13 days old. My oldest dc Is 24. My mum still insists she knows best- even though I've had 2 more dc then she did.

My mum can not understand why anyone bf. She offered to buy me a tub of formula every week as she presumed I was bf due to money...I recently became a single parent.

Dd had a hospital appointment this week & my mum said to bring a couple bottles incase baby needed a 'proper' feed.

Smile, nod, ignore!

Heatherbell1978 Sun 16-Feb-14 19:19:34

amandine07, the flat comments really get to me too:-( The reality is we could afford to move now to a house if we wanted to but we live in a lovely spacious tenement flat which has plenty room for a newborn and I don't want us to mortgage ourselves to the eyeballs when I'm about to take a year off work! My mum lived in an era where she didn't have to work and lived in a 4 bed house when her 1st was born and there's definitely an element of snobbery to it which really riles me!

I need to be able to trust her when she's babysitting and although she's a mum of 4 and should be capable, I worry that she'll just discard everything I say and do her own thing sigh

scarlettsmummy2 Sun 16-Feb-14 19:22:56

Completely normal. My mother thinks my children are virtually neglected on a regular basis.

ThursdayLast Sun 16-Feb-14 19:31:22

We didn't clash too much during my pregnancy, but now (DS 10mo) i feel myself gritting my teeth when I'm around her.
Lots of 'he doesn't seem tired, if you don't mind me saying' and 'I cant let you have that (ie cake), Mummy might see'.
Really winds me up.
Smile, ignore. Just get through it.

RaRa1988 Sun 16-Feb-14 19:35:55

I want to take our baby swimming asap after birth and have been looking into baby swimming classes. DP told his mother this and was immediately warned what a bad idea this is: apparently she took his brother (now aged 36 ffs) into a regular swimming pool as a baby and the water was so cold that he turned blue and panicked when put near water for the next year. For some reason, this irritated me immensely... Not only was the sodding pool at the other end of the country from where we live, it was also 36 years ago and not a special baby class in a warm pool!!!

Hexbugsmakemeitch Sun 16-Feb-14 19:41:09

Your baby. Your rules.

Be polite but be clear.

Advice is welcome but the final decision is yours and your OH's.

swampusdonkus Sun 16-Feb-14 19:46:46

Yes, I am 25w and it has already started in earnest. First it was after I excitedly chose to share possible name choices with her .... and she launched into a bitter and twisted tirade about how I couldn't possibly call our child any of them, and so ruining that happy moment. Next up was warnings about how we mustn't inflict the MMR jab on our child when she arrives, based on 'the facts' she reads in the Daily Mail. Ditto, I must get rid of our plastic kettle and get a stainless steel one as the plastic one will be dangerous/poisonous. Sigh. We have a pretty fraught relationship anyway, but I must say I am dreading how critical/controlling she will be when baby arrives, even though one thing being pregnant has crystallised for me is that I don't have to tolerate her extreme behaviours, that this is about how me and dh want to do things and that we will bring our dd up as we see fit. God, that felt good!

Mummytobe2014 Sun 16-Feb-14 20:01:58

Yep had this when we went pram shopping, i was called ridiculous for my suggestions because dsil had brought this and dsil brought that! It took the fun out of it. Have since told her it feels like the dsil show and that this was my pregnancy and not everything dsil has done/brought is right or the same as i wld choose. Everything has calmed down now thankfully but it can be bloody stressful. I also noticed a quiet response when mentioning chosen name for baby but she now seems very happy with OUR choice, phew lol
Guess i am lucky mine was mainly product related. smile

CumbrianExile Sun 16-Feb-14 20:02:18

When I see threads like this I am grateful my DM lives 2 hours away. Although I havent even had the 12 week scan yet and she was asking me today how I want to decorate the nursery!! I will take that over some of the above though grin

Worriedthistimearound Sun 16-Feb-14 20:07:26

Just smile and let her tell you her thing then do whatever suits you and your DH best. She will soon see you as happy and capable.

Fwiw, my mum was killed by a drunk driver within days of the birth of my second baby and I'd give anything to have her back spouting 1970s wisdom to me. sad

TheOnlySeven Sun 16-Feb-14 20:19:13

So sorry worried sad

Worriedthistimearound Sun 16-Feb-14 20:33:33

Thank you, TheOnlySeven. Dc2 is almost 8yrs now but I'm pg again so it brings it back just what I've lost.

I'm not trying to turn this into a 'just be grateful' thread. We all have issues and I know that well meaning interference can drive you potty. smile

Jolleigh Sun 16-Feb-14 21:37:16

Mums mean well but this seems to be a theme with soooo many pregnancies! Especially first grandmothers.

My mum refused to stop calling the baby a name that really grated on me. She made the assumption that she was invited to the birth. She announces everything about my pregnancy on Facebook. She won't stop buying things, despite being asked and doesn't even respect our tastes with what she buys. There are furry, glittery baby shoes in our cupboard as a result envy

AlwaysDancing1234 Sun 16-Feb-14 21:40:05

Unfortunately pregnancy/babies turn usually sane people in to overbearing crazy know it all experts!! Not just from mother/MIL but older aunts, SIL, and sometimes random people you hardly even know!
My Nan had 6 kids and over a dozen grand kids and said that well meaning people still tried to tell her how to raise babies!! She said realise they often say it out of love (then ignore them!)
In reply say "thanks for your opinion but the current thinking/research is different now and we are going to try x y z with our baby" Stick to your guns and learn to ignore a lot and smile and nod!

Cariad007 Sun 16-Feb-14 21:45:46

My partner's older sister tends to offer advice and I bite my tongue. I would take her advice if she had children but she doesn't - she has one friend with three kids and she bases all her advice on what this friend does. I'm 4 years older than her, have 2 nieces and many friends with kids, and used to work for NCT - I don't think there's anything she can tell me that I don't already know!!

weebigmamma Sun 16-Feb-14 21:54:18

This all sounds very familiar! lol. My MIL would walk into our house, pick up the sleeping baby and REMOVE HER DUMMY, thereby waking her up because the MIL didn't like the look of her with a dummy in her mouth! Only the tip of the iceberg- she'd show up unannounced, pester us about sending thank-you cards to people only days after I'd given birth, and then they started asking up about baptisms....

Argh!!

I am dreading going through it all again and have no reason to think it will be easier this time. BUT I have to say this- the birth of our first ended up being something that drew me and the MIL together over time, because we were united in a common interest for the first time. We now get along a LOT better than we ever did beforehand, so although it caused a lot of stress in the beginning it worked out pretty well in the end and my daughter loves her to bits. She's a pretty good granny really :-)

theborrower Sun 16-Feb-14 22:02:09

Yes!! I got lots of "I've had 3 children you know", but the last time she had a baby was nearly 30 years ago when safety advice in particular was totally different. My MIL is sometimes worse (she's incredulous that DD still needs a car seat - aged 3 hmm )

But they mean well, even if they both drive me bonkers sometimes. I'm expecting DC2 and I'm getting comments again about the newborn days. Argh! I know! I had a baby 3 years ago and she's doing fine...!

Good luck.

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