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(38 Posts)
LittleMissPear Tue 11-Feb-14 10:49:14

Right, I know that I am being petty and irrational here, but I would really appreciate some advice on how to get my head straight!
I'm 10 weeks pregnant, it took 8 months of ttc and one early mc to get here, which I found difficult. I'm am very worried about this pregnancy but trying to keep positive and am really looking forward to telling people our news at the end of Feb after the scan.
Last night, my DH's best friend announced that his wife is expecting around two weeks before me. I have a difficult relationship with her, we are very different people but for some reason I have taken this news really hard.

I feel that all the excitment for us has gone, that they've stolen our thunder with our group of friends. They haven't even been married a year and apparantly got pregnant 'a bit quicker than they were expecting'. They always seem to have the better house, the better car and now she will be doing all the baby things just a little bit earlier than me.

Ahhhh - I don't want to feel this way, I was up all night thinking about it. I want to be happy for the both of us. Any thoughts?

tia

Jenbee1 Tue 11-Feb-14 10:53:11

Pear don't worry. I have friends dropping all over the place. Nothing will change the special time you,your oh and family and are going through. Focus on your experience and enjoying it. Once the baby is here no one will notice. Maybe the two little ones will end up being best of friends

MyNameIsKenAdams Tue 11-Feb-14 10:56:05

Honestly? You need to get a grip. In the nicest possible way.

You sound quite bitter and jealous, and while I see that you dont like her, and that is contributibg massively towards your feelings, your DHs best friend is about to become a dad for the first time.

Its exciting and lovely news for him, and therefore your dh.

Stop coveting what they have - its a horrible path to go down.

SweetPea86 Tue 11-Feb-14 11:06:24

I kind of agree with mynameiskenadams you sound a bit jealous and I can't understand why when you are also pregnant.

I've been on the receiving end of this is a different situation and it's not nice. When I announced I was pregnant one of my friends/work mates told me she was trying for a baby too and asked me how long it took to fall. I fell straight away. Unfortanly 8 months later she is still trying. At first she seems happy asking for advice etc. Now she doesn't mention my pregnancy. And the last time we spoke she got annoyed saying life's not fair people can just get pregnant at the drop of a hat and people like her a struggling, one average it's normal to take up to a year, she was on the pill for years. We as I've only used condoms as protection for the last 3. It's ruined our friendship coz I'm to scared to even mention being pregnant around hair and I haven't even done any thing wrong.

I think you need to just focus on your own pregnancy and not work your self up over petty things. At the end of the day you will come of worse in the situation looking jealous and a tad bitter.

SweetPea86 Tue 11-Feb-14 11:08:11

Sorry I also meant to add sorry to hear you had a mc and I understand it's been difficult but focus on the positives now your 10 weeks and not long till your scan.

Have a happy healthy pregnancy

Bowlersarm Tue 11-Feb-14 11:10:07

Seriously OP, this is a problem you need to sort out for yourself. It's you, not them!

They havent stolen your thunder. They are perfectly reasonable to announce their pregnancy at 12 weeks. Most people seem to.

Congratulations, anyway.

ChicaMomma Tue 11-Feb-14 11:10:13

Forget about her and focus on your own positive news. You are pregnant, over the 'crucial' 8 week mark and getting v close to the crucial 12 week scan mark. Put her out of your mind.

FTR i felt like this when my DH's best friend got engaged- i knew it was coming for us too, then felt like they stole my thunder. It's an awful way to feel and i hated myself for it, and thankfully it went away eventually.

ThursdayLast Tue 11-Feb-14 11:11:41

And remember, we are not at our most rational when pregnant smile
I got pissed off with Fearne Cotton for exactly the same reason smile
It'll pass, maybe it'll help you bond with her?

squizita Tue 11-Feb-14 11:16:09

I understand how hard other people's good news can be (I have a history of pregnancy loss) but they have done nothing wrong. They haven't stolen anything. Actually, having been in the pits of it, I don't think I was angry as you seem (and I know it's hard to tell) when I was sat at a baby shower still bleeding from my own loss: because no one gets married and has a baby just to p*ss off other people. It's not like buying a new car.

Nature made them pregnant, and nature is pretty random - yes, you had problems, but you're pregnant now too. Focus on that: you've got what you tried so hard for, and that's all that matters. thanks

longtallsally2 Tue 11-Feb-14 11:18:31

Yy to Thursdays post. Welcome to the world of bizarre hormones! They magnify strange feelings and generally make life strange.

Huge congratulations on your news. Enjoy sharing it with family and close friends when you feel you are ready, and enjoy planning for your little one.

Don't feel envious of the other couple. Nobody knows what really goes on behind closed doors. People with beautiful houses, supportive partners and talented children often come unstuck in life - nothing guarantees happiness, and no-one can ever really tell what our lives are like except ourselves.

I can understand your feeling that the announcement you had planned in your head has just been done away with. That's OK. Once your baby is here, you will start to learn that anything you plan or hope for will have to be changed at least twice before it starts to happen - babies just mess up your planning and all of your good intentions - and bring along a whole bundle of joy and worry and fun of their own.

PenguinsDontEatKale Tue 11-Feb-14 11:19:50

I am sorry you have been through struggles to get pregnant. I hope all looks good on your scan soon.

But, honestly, you need to get a grip. This sounds like an issue of general jealousy towards this couple and you need to treat it as such as subject it to rational dismissal.

Also, and I know this is difficult, aside from grandparents and a few very close people, the announcement of a pregnancy is not that big a deal. Yes, they will be pleased for you. But they won't be more or less pleased because someone else is also pregnant. You are presumably of an age where lots of friends are likely to announce pregnancies.

LittleMissPear Tue 11-Feb-14 11:22:36

Thanks for your comments everyone.

Kenadams, yes I am sounding bitter and jelous and its not a quality I am liking in myself. I've never felt like this before and so I do probably need to get a grip.

I can completely rationalise all that you have said, that they have done nothing wrong and that this is my problem. I hope that this is just a rush of reactionary feelings (however inapproiate they are) and that it will pass and I'll feel able to be happier for them!

Thanks Chicamum and Thursdaylast for your understanding!

LastOneDancing Tue 11-Feb-14 11:26:09

Don't let the fact that you don't like her taint this very special time for youself. Like someone said, you don't always know what's happening behind closed doors, or what might happen in the future.

Let's face it, if it was a close friend you'd probably be overjoyed to have someone to share the tales of morning sickness and piles, and wouldn't have given a second thought to being pissed off that their baby MAY arrive a few days sooner.

Everyone will still be excited and over the moon for you. Promise.

nc060 Tue 11-Feb-14 11:30:36

In the nicest possible way to anyone that isn't family it looks as though I am really lucky and have fallen pregnant really quickly after getting married last April. What they don't know is we were trying for 2 years before getting married and are only pregnant now due to the fertility treatment we received through the hospital. I totally get how it feels to have have friends annoucing just before you as 3 of my friends have announced and I still have 2 weeks until my scan, HOWEVER, friends that really matter will still be over the moon for you and will forget about anyone elses baby when with/talking to you. Just remember that you may not know everything that has gone on for them and in their lives, I know how easy it is to keep these things hidden from friends!

SweetPea86 Tue 11-Feb-14 11:32:02

I think that's a good point you don't know what happens behind closed doors. The grass is always greener. I didn't mean to sound harsh and we can't help the way our feelings work some times. Once you announce your pregnancy every one will be over the moon for you,

Maybe this could be a way of you and the other lady to bond. You will have babies littleraly the same age. You never know you might see a different side to this lady if you bond.

All the best hun

whiteblossom Tue 11-Feb-14 12:46:04

op, I just wanted to say that while I agree with whats been said, I sense that you have been through a really tough time with MC and trying to get pg. I think that, YOU think that your dh mates life is a bed of roses, the reality is that you have rose tinted glasses on with regards to their life. My moto is 'you never know what goes on behind closed doors' You don't know if they are up to their eyeballs in debt, argue like cat and dog- anything.

Be happy with your lot and concentrate on when you can tell people at 12 weeks. big hugs.

ruth1104 Tue 11-Feb-14 12:50:25

Congrats on your pregnancy, perhaps focussing on your OH might help to get through this stage? He and his best friend are about to become dads at the same time which is pretty amazing. Also, I don't have any children yet but isn't 2 weeks difference in dd basically nothing? You could still have your baby before her and maybe she'd feel like you stole her thunder... Except you'd have done nothing wrong, and neither has she. Take a little time out from her if you need to, but try to focus on the positives, like other posters have said there are so many!

nyldn Tue 11-Feb-14 13:00:26

I don't really understand, the grass isn't greener, you're pregnant as well. I know preg hormones are nuts, and I truly feel for your past mc, but you need to not worry about them and be happy for and focus on yourself! Constantly keeping score is not a trait you'll want to pass on to your DC.

Only1scoop Tue 11-Feb-14 13:02:47

Have you actually announced you news in Rl yet!

eepie Tue 11-Feb-14 13:21:56

I don't think what you're feeling is that weird - you'll probably look back at it in a few weeks and wonder why you got so worked up about it but for now it's a very real feeling for you - pregnancy hormones amplify every feeling (I've found) and make you feel things very deeply ! But then usually for me I feel better about them/have forgotten about them completely in a couple days.

I identify with what you're feeling though as my DH's best friend's girlfriend is also pregnant and due a few days after me ! They've not been together long and I don't know her very well but they live really close to us and are the same friendship group - I remember feeling sliiiiightly put out when I found out our due dates were so close - just felt weird about it - don't know why ! I felt a bit like you do - the thunder stealing thing. I suppose it's so exciting for us being pregnant and you want to feel special and be made a fuss of a bit, that's what I always imagined being a pregnant woman would be like (and it is!).
Plus I was worried about my DH seeing her and comparing her to me - ie how big my bump was, hearing how well she was coping and comparing it to me if I was having a hormonal week etc. I did get a bit upset at around 12 weeks when one evening when he came home from their house and said 'She's got a proper bump - she actually looks like she's pregnant!' and I burst into tears - I had been feeling sad that I didn't have a bump yet and it felt so wrong to be compared....he was really apologetic, realised he'd completely put his foot in it, and has never made any other sort of comparison since.

Don't worry you'll start feeling better once you announce it and you get to see everyone's excited and happy reactions, you'll get showered with hugs and congrats and it's great seeing people so happy for you - they'll be just as excited for you as the other couple, if not more as they know what you've been through to get here IYSWIM. That annoyed feeling will all melt away soon I promise, just let yourself feel it, it's ok to feel like that. It will pass.

Congrats !!!!!!

neolara Tue 11-Feb-14 13:30:58

I think you probably know you are being unreasonable. FWIW, I think pregnancy is an utter nightmare when you have had a mc and can send you a bit loopy.

I remember getting the RAGE one time when a friend announced delightedly she was 7 weeks pregnant. I was also in the early stages of pregnancy but as had already had one or two mcs and was beside myself with worry and took nothing for granted. I was totally furious that she could be so carefree about the whole thing when I felt on a knife edge every day. It just felt so unbelievably unfair.

Hopefully when you are over the 12 week scan you will feel a bit better. You never know, it could end up as a positive that you will know someone with a baby exactly the same age as yours. Having a baby is a great leveller and friendships can blossom in places you might never imagine.

HowAboutNo Tue 11-Feb-14 14:01:38

I kind of get where you're coming from actually.

It's not rational, it's not nice and (in my experience) completely random. I had to get over myself when I had similar feelings... I was just so anxious and nervous due to this pregnancy feeling like a bloody miracle that everyone else's pregnancies felt like extra pressure. It was so stupid!

Like I said, I got over myself pretty damn quickly when I reflected on how lucky I am to even be in this position. Take it easy, concentrate on you and I hope you have a lovely pregnancy.

Pancakeflipper Tue 11-Feb-14 14:05:29

Pear - news like this is not diluted just cos someone is expecting.

People will be super pleased for you too.
Push the thoughts to one side, put it down to pregnancy nutty hormones and smile serenely thinking about your baby.

Congrats! Lots of luck and hope your pregnancy goes really well

LittleMissPear Tue 11-Feb-14 14:39:31

Thank howaboutnow, it is good to know that someone else has felt vaguely similar. I am not the grudge holding type and I am sure I will get over this. Thanks for all the support.

HelenHen Tue 11-Feb-14 14:50:19

Hey I get it and I think people are being a bit harsh on you here. When I got pregnant first time, miss perfect at work brought in her scan pic on the same day! I was secretly smug that I'd gotten in there first... Petty? Of course... But we're all a bit petty at Times, especially when it comes to pregnancy and wanting everything to be perfect! Couple weeks later my bro announced that they were having their first! I was delighted for them but worried that if iI wasn't first it would take a bit of the gloss off for some people. They were both due after me but of course I went last grin . Did I give a flying fuck at that stage? Of course not. Was it any less exciting and did anyone care even a little less? Again, of course not! So remember it's possible you'll go first and steal her thunder... But, if you don't, it won't change a single thing!

Congrats though and just enjoy it!

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