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Looking for non judgemental advise?

(19 Posts)
EllaJayne123 Sun 12-Jan-14 16:58:38

Hello, this is my first post on anything like this so sorry if it's a long one! I'm 18 years old, in full-time work and have been with my partner for just over a year - and recently discovered I'm pregnant! Although this was not the initial plan, I would have loved to have kids just maybe when I had a bit more saved up, a nicer house so I could give it everything it deserves! However now that I've discovered I'm pregnant, once the initial shock was out of the way (am on the pill so bit unexpected) I'm happy about it! I was booked in for an emergency scan due to a suspected ectopic pregnancy and once I saw the flicker of a heart beat I was overwhelmed. I'm so happy and can't wait to see my little bubba now! However my partner and family do not share my happiness at the situation. I keep trying to explain to him that although we do not have the money to give our baby's what's a lot of other parents can we will have so much love for him/her and if it means I have to go without things I've had to I've my baby a good childhood I will do that! He's just not seeing it the same way I am.. He's 21 and none of his friends have children so they're all telling him how bad it is and I'm out to ruining his life ect. It has really put a strain on our relationship and I don't know how to deal with it, it's a constant battle and I don't feel right having to convince him that he will love his baby. I've given him the option to leave as I do not want my baby growing up with a father in and out of its life but he says he doesn't want to do this. One min he's telling me he's not sure if he can stay with me and he doesn't think he'll be good and the next he's telling me about pushchair sales! I just don't know what to do, I really do love him and I want this baby to grow up with its daddy but I need stability at this point and I don't know how to go about getting his emotions out??
Any advise would be really appreciated, sorry if I waffled on a bit!! Thanks

smilesallround247 Sun 12-Jan-14 17:10:31

hmm sounds like hes in shock! give him some space and time to work things out in his head. its a huge thing to come to terms with. my partner went very pale and wouldn't speak for long moment when I told him I was pregnant even though we had been planning it! now he speaks to our bump, buys prams and looks forward to meeting our bubba.
im sure things will work out for you and your partner. congratulations!!

smilesallround247 Sun 12-Jan-14 17:12:31

Just want to add me and my partner dont have much money or a house! We're waiting for a council house as it's all we can afford but we have been just amazed at people's generosity. we're the same: we'll happily go with out to make sure our baby has what she needs smile

Clargo55 Sun 12-Jan-14 17:14:34

Congratulations thanks ignore any negativity you can and will make it work. I think sometimes it can take awhile for it to sink in for guys, they seem to stay in a state of shock for awhile. How long have you both known?

Mmolly2013 Sun 12-Jan-14 17:18:54

Sounds like he just needs to adjust. He's plenty of time to get used to it so just give him some space and don't bring the subject up all the time. It literally a waiting game for first few weeks so relax and do things that make you's happy cinema, date nights etc. relax

EllaJayne123 Sun 12-Jan-14 17:23:35

Thank you, haven't had any support since I found out so is really nice to hear positive thoughts! We've known for just over a month am now 10 weeks along but guess He's just in shock so hopefully will come around soon!

Mmolly2013 Sun 12-Jan-14 17:27:45

Men are so selfish sometimes obviously it's a big step but life isn't over, don't worry yourself he will come round smile

EllaJayne123 Sun 12-Jan-14 17:32:29

Yes they are! Thanks smile

Fedup1992 Tue 14-Jan-14 05:45:45

Hel just be shocked

My partner is 27 he didn't ever want kids!

He had a panic attack when I told him I was keeping it. We then didn't talk for 4 days!

And after he seen the first scan he came round, now I get bossed about about things I eat, sleeping patterns lifting things.

He will come round. Xxx

Chocolatestain Tue 14-Jan-14 06:36:37

Hi Hun. It's a lot for him to take in and he's probably got some very mixed emotions at the moment. I think it's often much harder for men to fully engage with the idea of a baby before it actually arrives because they're not the ones carrying him/her - it's all bit surreal to them. My situation was almost the exact opposite of yours - comfortably off, trying for years, IVF, eventually had DS at 43 - but there were still moments during my pregnancy when DH seemed a bit disconnected to it all. As soon as DS actually arrived he was completely besotted.

I think what I'm trying to say is that whatever your situation, it is a huge adjustment and men can sometimes take a while to adjust. There is no 'right' time to have a baby. A nice house and plenty of money would make life easier for you, but won't matter a bit to the baby. You sound like you'll make a great mum, good luck.

scaevola Tue 14-Jan-14 06:41:35

He's confused.

It will settle down, one way or the other.

It might be worthwhile touse the time now to work out the practical admin for where you and the baby will live (with or without him), what your income will be, and - visor for your family's longer term future - a return to work or training for you.

Fairypants Tue 14-Jan-14 06:56:02

I was 20 and temping when I found out I was expecting dd1. My ptnr worked in a shop and we had no money. He reacted in a similar way and, if I'm honest, didn't come round fully for a long time. He committed (I was 16 weeks when we got married) but clearly felt trapped/ resentful on and off for a long time. We're currently expecting #3 and have managed to work up to both having v good careers and a nice house so it isn't the end of everything.
The fab thing about pregnancy is that you get 9 months to get used to the idea. There's nothing much for you to do to prepare for a while other than take care of yourself and settle.
I would advocate giving him space, maybe invite him to the 12 week scan but without pressure and set yourself a date where you will reassess how you think he is being about it.
You can manage, it will probably be hard at times but you have the right attitude to manage whether be comes round or not.

HannahG315 Tue 14-Jan-14 07:27:08

I'm 23 and my partner is 30 and we've been together for over 4 years and never wanted kids (I was declared infertile from about 15- so we made our plans!) however I'm now 32 weeks pregnant!

My partner and I are happy now, but upon discovery this was not the case, but I've done my reading:

As a woman, your body kicks in and your maternal instincts will drive you to protect your baby and thus a bond will form. Men don't get this luxury- they grow to love their babies. Don't be too hard on him, it's not normal to want a wrinkly smelly screaming mess, but Mother Nature helps- babies always look like their fathers when they are born, and this helps men bond, as your baby grows and develops he/ she will be impossible not to love.

My other half does his best to feign excitement when baby moves or we have a scan, but to be honest the most excited I have seen him is when the baby moves to his favourite song or bands! It's hard for them to build a similar bond when we notice all the things they can't!



Mummytobe2014 Tue 14-Jan-14 09:11:20

The last few posts on this have been really useful as i have been struggling with my thoughts recently about my dp, he is happy we are pregnant etc but seems disengaged and that scares me abit, he has two girls from a previous they are 8 and 11 so abit older now and we are having a boy which he is over the moon about but i always hear stories of partners being attentive and always touching their partners belly waiting to feel movement and even talking to the bump but i am the one who always initiates him touching my bump and he never talks to it. He has said that it will be different when he is actually here and reading the above comments it seems he is right and i shouldnt worry so much!?

Chocolatestain Tue 14-Jan-14 10:07:41

Just wanted to add that there will be times when your hormones make you feel especially emotional and vulnerable - and that's perfectly normal. In an ideal world your DP would be strong and calm for you at these times, but in reality it's often not the case. Voicing your concerns to him when he's feeling stressed and pressured will probably only make the situation worse (and, yes, I know that totally sucks and is not at all fair). Do you have a close friend you can offload on when you need to? You will probably get a better response from DP if you save the baby discussions for the times when he shows interest and give him space the rest of the time. It's not as real or all-consuming for him yet as it is for you.

Also, it's worth remembering that although he may be behaving like an arsehole, he's very young and probably quite scared. It's a huge responsibility and fear can make people behave very badly. Lots of appreciation when he does get involved will help his confidence. And you've got loads of time to sort things out - don't feel you need to push too hard right now.

EllaJayne123 Tue 14-Jan-14 19:06:31

Thanks everyone for your nice comments! I really feel a lot better after hearing them and yes I'm hoping he will get better in time, my mum said 'a woman becomes a mother when she finds out she's pregnant, a man becomes a dad when he sees his baby' so guess it's just one of those things women do quicker than men! I'm trying not to stress and just hope that everything works out ok in the end, I've got so many things to be thankful for at this time so not going to let this steer me away from the happiness this should give!

MoominIsGoingToBeAMumWaitWHAT Tue 14-Jan-14 20:06:40

You may find both of you go up and down in your excitement. I found that I had no excitement or attachment when I found out, whereas my boyfriend was thrilled - I'm 19 and we're both full-time students at university. Then after the 12 week scan, I was excited and he felt a bit daunted by how 'real' it felt. Now we're alternating... I get excited over practical things, like getting things sorted and watching the weeks go by, and thinking of names. He gets excited by the thought of the baby but not really that excited about naming etc. The one thing that has really bonded us is feeling the baby kick - you may find that as you carry on through the pregnancy, there's one moment where you both realise you are identical in your feelings, and it's a lovely moment.

Give him time - for him it probably doesn't quite feel real right now, but it will start getting there smile and if not - even if we're young, we can still be strong, independent women wink

Pinkandwhite Tue 14-Jan-14 20:50:12

Congratulations! My partner and I are in our early thirties and were ttc but despite that he is still a bit freaked out now I actually am pregnant! I think it's such a normal male reaction. It's a bit annoying but it's also completely understandable really.

Like you, my sister conceived whilst on the pill (she was in her early twenties) and some members of our family weren't supportive because she and her partner weren't married (it was like something out of the fifties!), didn't have a house or well paid jobs etc. It has all worked out very well for her though. Her little one is 7 now and the most wonderful child (I know I might be a bit biased!). At first it was tough financially but they have since managed to buy a lovely house etc. Basically, a baby is a blessing and you've got lots of time to get a nicer house in the future if you really want to but like you and other people have said, the baby won't care about the house - it's the love that matters and that costs nothing. Very, very best of luck to you and congratulations again.

MrsGarlic Tue 14-Jan-14 23:48:46

I think men often find it harder because they don't have any of the symptoms, and later on they aren't the ones who feel the baby moving etc. So it often doesn't feel as real until they can see a bump and feel the baby kick, or even until after the baby is actually born and becomes, well, a baby rather than a thing attached to their wife/girlfriend.

Congratulations, give him time, it sounds like he is shocked.

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