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Abusive family want relationship with my expected child

(32 Posts)
DocklandsBaby Sun 10-Nov-13 23:46:10

In the last month, I have been verbally and emotionally abused by my mum and my young brother. I have been told to go fuck myself, rot in hell, and called selfish, immature, pathetic, stupid, and naive.

My husband is livid, and I feel very upset especially as any stress I suffer affects our unborn child. I'm usually forgiving of them as they are close family and I love them very much, but I'm struggling to forgive these occasions because I don't think it right to abuse pregnant women. I've previously been offended by pregnant friends and friends with babies, but never retaliated with abuse and always gone out of my way to make them feel better... it's a pretty hard time for any woman. My mum and brother seem to have no regard for the cortisol production they provoke, effecting my baby's bloodstream.

I feel like distancing our growing family from my mum and brother, as they are not good for my wellbeing and may be a very bad influence on my child. This includes affecting my baby's health while he grows in my womb for another 4 months.

Neither have called me to see how I am since this started, and my mum has asked that we do not contact her. Yet she expects to have a relationship with her new grandchild.

They have told me they think I would use my mum's first grandchild as a pawn in our dispute. This makes me feel very guilty - am I being selfish to withdraw their contact because of their recent behaviour, or making a difficult but correct decision for my household?

Should I put myself in the firing line again, in an effort to resolve the situation?

MarjorieChardem Mon 11-Nov-13 00:13:40

What you should do is get as far away from these toxic horrible people as possible. They are entitled to nothing, and it sounds as though they bring you nothing but pain. It is not ok to abuse ANYONE, and the fact that you are pregnant and they still treat you like that shows them for the bullies that they are. I know it's hard to disengage and even cut them off, but 'family' means nothing when the people you are related to hurt and abuse you. Have you read the Stately Homes thread on here?

I think focusing on your lovely new baby and your relationship with your DH and drawing some firm boundaries for your family is the best way to go.

Stom91 Mon 11-Nov-13 00:15:26

I didn't want to read and run
I'm not sure I have much advise. But if I was in your shoes and they spoke to me like that I'd want nothing to do with them.
If they can't be bothered with you then why should you make the effort.
Bring up your family the way you want without the added stress. If they want a relationship with ur child then they have 4 months to build a decent relationship with you first x

icklekid Mon 11-Nov-13 05:15:47

Just to add they are the one using your baby as a pawn not you. Do what you know is right for you and your baby. If your mum doesn't want a relationship with you she doesn't get one with her grandchild. You will have to be so strong and so sorry to hear how hurtful they are being. Don't keep it to yourself-tell friends and your husband so you can deal with your emotions.

redcaryellowcar Mon 11-Nov-13 05:20:34

please don't feel pressurized into allowing them to see your baby, you are the best protection this baby has and exposing it to nasty people will not give any benefit to baby or you and dh. trust your instincts.

Thumbwitch Mon 11-Nov-13 05:23:09

Why do you love them very much? They are abusive wankers who don't give a shit about you! It doesn't matter what you do to try and make this ok, because they will only see that as a sign of weakness and continue to be abusive.
Do you want them to be abusive shits to your baby as well? Because, given time, they will.

Personally, I'd tell them that hell would freeze over before they had any contact with my baby after that sort of treatment of me. Honestly, I would.

Your baby does not need abusive wankers in its life. Knowing an uncle and grandmother like that is NOT going to benefit your baby, or enrich its life.
Your mother and brother have no right to see your baby if they treat you like that and expect you to just take it, so tell them all to fuck off.

DocklandsBaby Mon 11-Nov-13 11:16:37

MarjorieChardem thank you. It hurts a lot right now, I feel like my heart is breaking - lots of tears, loss of sleep as a result. I cope with it much better usually, but feeling much more sensitive at the moment. Unfortunately, I can't find the Stately Homes thread.

Stom91 thanks. I don't think I'd expect to have a relationship with a child after treating it's mother like shit - so what you said makes perfect sense. I just can't comprehend why they would do this now, to themselves. I feel so sad they will miss out on such a special time.

icklekid thanks for your empathy and advice. I feel so embarrassed that my own family would do this to me. My husband knows, but I feel too ashamed to share this with my friends. I will try to open up.

redcaryellowcar thanks. Unfortunately, I feel ambivalent, so my instincts fail me on this occasion. When I told my brother that I was not a punching bag, he told me his name calling wasn't punching - he described it as pushing in the right direction. I suppose the underlying problem is that they don't understand the fine line between assertive and aggressive behaviour.

Thumbwitch thank you. They don't always behave like this, it occurs in episodes. If we weren't so close, I would not have tolerated it in the past - the shouting, the bad language, the phone slamming etc. My grandparents would not have either. They say you hurt those closest to you - perhaps this is an example, and they expect i'll back down and be forgive them for expressing themselves and speaking their mind. Now I'm pregnant I feel like it's also an assault on my baby, so feel quite different about the situation.

Stom91 Mon 11-Nov-13 11:25:41

There's a fine line between being cruel to be kind and being spiteful dicks. And they've jumped right over it.

Stick to your lil family with your DH. You don't need those sorts of people in your life. Walk away now it'll be hard but in time you will realise it's for the best for you and your family.

sparklysilversequins Mon 11-Nov-13 11:30:25

How convenient that they think that YOU might use your baby as a pawn in the dispute with them. How funny that is the single thing that will put you firmly where you belong, In The Wrong, no matter how badly THEY are behaving. So no matter what they do if you choose to keep your baby away from them, they can tell themselves that you are doing it to spite poor innocent them hmm. Very abusive tactic.

I wouldn't go anywhere near them again and neither would my child.

DocklandsBaby Mon 11-Nov-13 11:47:09

On reflection, it seems like this whole situation has been exacerbated because my mum's new boyfriend has a problem with me. My young brother lives with my mum and spends time with him too. This whole dispute started because she asked me to massage his ego with an e-mail expressing my gratitude to him. I wasn't comfortable getting involved.

Based on what she has told me about their relationship, it's not a match made in heaven. So maybe if (more likely, when) it ends, things will change. It would be a shame to have to wait that long though.

DocklandsBaby Mon 11-Nov-13 11:50:34

sparklysilversequins bang on the button. It is a very effective way to make me feel guilty, and therefore very manipulative. Your comments have opened my eyes in this regard.

Thumbwitch Mon 11-Nov-13 12:05:50

If your mum is the sort of woman who values a new partnership over the relationship she has with her children, then again, I'd not bother with her or let her near my baby.

If I was in your mum's position and my new bf had a problem with my DC, it would be a case of "sort it out or fuck off - my DC come first".

Even if the relationship were to end now, she has made her values clear - her partner comes before you, no matter how long she has known him - this would be a very difficult (for me, impossible) "repair", even if the partner fecked off in the near future.

qazxc Mon 11-Nov-13 12:14:56

Your priorities are towards you and your family (by that i mean DH and baby). you owe your mother and brother NOTHING. It is their fault they are acting aggressively and inappropriately, don't let them try to turn the tables and put the responsibility back on you.
my advice would be to disengage and avoid, they should only be allowed near your DC if or when they can prove to you they will act in a reasonable and respectful fashion.

DontmindifIdo Mon 11-Nov-13 12:22:54

They are saying you will use your baby as a pawn in the power struggles between you because that's exactly what they would do.

If you are right that your mum is some how being 'led astray' by a shitty boyfriend (well that makes her rather weak willed at best) then you can't let her anywhere near your DC, as you can't trust she won't treat your DC the same. Perhaps if her relationshp with her boyfriend ends or if she starts proving she can apologise and act in a civilised manner to you, you could let them back in your DC's life, but now, why take the risk?

Your child doesn't need anyone in their life who will abuse or use them. So it doesn't matter what accusations your mum and brother throw at you, they aren't the sort of people your DC should know.

BTW - if you stop talking to them at all, it doesn't really matter what they say to each other, you won't know about it...

DocklandsBaby Mon 11-Nov-13 12:24:34

Thumbwitch, she has always put boyfriends first, this is something I've lived with for 20 years. This one has been around just over 1 year, with a 3-4 month break in the middle. I'm told he's a recently widowed millionaire.

I was gutted a couple of months ago when my mum told me she had used up the rest of her annual leave to go on a 3 wk holiday with her boyfriend, as I thought she'd want to save up some time to support me when DH returns from paternity leave. I was expecting too much to think a 2 wk holiday plus time with first grandchild and only daughter would have been reasonable.

I'm happy if she is happy in a relationship, and wouldn't want her to have to choose between us. I'm just saying I don't think she and my brother would behave the way they did if he wasn't in the picture.

Thumbwitch Mon 11-Nov-13 12:27:15

She's already chosen, Docklands. She chose him. sad

You're not forcing her into anything - all you're doing is protecting yourself and your new baby. Don't play her games. Just distance yourself.

DocklandsBaby Mon 11-Nov-13 12:40:32

qazxc - my brother wrote last Friday, "the poor pregnant women, has been pushed away by her mother,the evil mother, the mother who cared for her all through her life and when she is about to get given one of the most precious gifts, (YOUR CHILD) gets it all pushed back in her face. Sorry if that offends you."

He feels there is a sense of entitlement, contrary to your view that I owe them nothing. As for his name-calling, I really feel like my mum sets him a bad example. He was following in her footsteps when he said so many offensive things that night.

DocklandsBaby Mon 11-Nov-13 12:49:26

DontmindifIdo - do you think I should make the consequences of their actions clear to them?

When my mum was pregnant with me, her mum didn't speak with her (following dispute with my father) until she turned up at the hospital when I was born. Maybe this is her expectation... she thinks she can turn up and take it from there. Do I need to set her expectations? Can I prevent someone from visiting me in hospital?

qazxc Mon 11-Nov-13 13:15:25

But you're not having a child as gift to someone else, you're having it because you and dp want to build a family and can offer a nice, loving home. he's trying to guilt trip you and make it your fault when it isn't.
Your mother chooses to prioritise her boyfriends above her own children, your mother chooses to emotionally and verbally abuse you. Her actions have consequences, you have to protect yourself and your baby.
Similarly your brother chooses to behave inappropriately. What is he actually suggesting that you and your DC just take the abuse?

pumpkinsweetie Mon 11-Nov-13 13:27:05

I feel very much for you op, i could be in the very same situation early january when i have my new baby.
I have been non-contact with my dh abusive, toxic, manipulative family for more than a year, as are all my children.

I plan on my new child never seeing them, and i intend to stick to it. Whether there will be uproar remains to be seen, but i know there will be ructions when they realise i won't be allowing any contact!

You are doing the right thing, keeping your child away. People like this never change and their obsession surrounding new babies, is normally a projection of their control. We are vunerable upon having just given birth, and these people see through this and see it as a time to cause trouble and take over your happy time. Mil spoiled my first weeks with dd3 & 4, i shall not let her mar my next baby. She doesn't deserve grandchildren

Thumbwitch Mon 11-Nov-13 13:34:24

Docklands - if you're in the UK then you can definitely stop your mother from entering the hospital ward where you are. Just explain to the MWs that you don't want her there as she is abusive - they will keep her away.

And as qazxc said - your baby is NOT a "gift" for your mother - far from it! shock
Your baby is YOURS and your DH's. And as its parent, you can choose who sees your baby.

Your family will continue to attempt to emotionally guilt-trip you into giving in. You are allowed to ignore them - you can only be made to feel guilty if you accept the guilt that they are placing upon you - you don't have to do that.

princesscupcakemummyb Mon 11-Nov-13 15:14:22

sorry your going through this if i was you i would run away from them stay out of their lives the way your being treated is horrendous please dont let them have the pleasure of being in your life they clearly dont deserve it as others have said this is your baby your life dont be treated this way its just shock really is

DontmindifIdo Mon 11-Nov-13 15:39:08

Docklands, no, they won't change, at best they will pretend too, and then take the first opportunity to put you in your place. Plus explaining it to them will involve engaging with them, I'd advise to just drop contact.

If she tries to turn up at hospital, you can tell the MWs you don't want her let in. Plus, in her day, you were in hospital much longer, you probably will only be in one night. Don't bother telling her when you go in to labour (best not to tell anyone anyway), and if I was you, I'd not bother telling her you've had the baby until you are home, then have DP on strict instructions on who to let in and when, you are allowed to turn her away.

DocklandsBaby Mon 11-Nov-13 15:39:49

Clear consensus on best way forward, thanks. Just have to be strong enough to see it through, and not allow this to hurt me anymore.

DontmindifIdo Mon 11-Nov-13 15:45:24

I do strongly, strongly recommend you don't contact your mum or brother until you are 100% fit after the birth and home, perhaps explain the situation to PIL so they don't say something.

You see on the TV hundreds of people visiting hospitals after birth/during labour, but in reality, most woman are home in such a short time frame (less than 24 hours) that there's not time for visitors until you get home.

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