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Visitors after the birth.

(71 Posts)
Writerwannabe83 Sun 25-Aug-13 10:08:12

Morning all smile

I'm just after your thoughts please after a mini disagreement me and hubby had last night about how quickly to allow visitors into the hospital after the baby is born. We were chatting away and I said I wouldn't tell anybody for absolute hours as I would hate loads of people to descend on me at once. I said I would like to have some quiet time as a family, enjoy our new addition, have all the lovely skin to skin, establish breast feeding, get to know our baby a little etc etc and not have it instead passed from visitor to visitor.

He was not in agreement and said he would like his parents present at the hospital from as soon as labour starts and for them to come into us as soon as the baby is born. He said it would mean a lot to his parents and it is what they would want too - which it would be.

My facial expression said it all and he said, "We'll you can be the one to tell her she can't be there (the MIL) and I don't want to be with you when you do!"

I told him I had absolutely no problem in telling her that!! grin

I was really shocked by his reaction to my thoughts on how I wanted things to be. Or am I being unreasonable??

Writerwannabe83 Sun 25-Aug-13 11:31:06

Thanks Tigger.

And good advice there 123. I actually think my MIL would be fine with my request. I think I'm just confused as to why my husband is pushing for it so much.

JollyHappyGiant Sun 25-Aug-13 11:33:06

I had an ELCS on Thursday. I had to be at hospital at 8am. We were given a room and I waited there until about 2pm when we went down to labour ward. Baby was born at 3:30 then we went to recovery. I was transferred back to the ward at 7:30, but had to really push for this. Visiting is 7-8 and I really wanted DS to be able to welcome his new sister. Recovery would have preferred to keep me longer.

Writerwannabe83 Sun 25-Aug-13 11:36:29

So it can actually be a very long process then??
That's reassuring!!
I'm pretty sure that even hubby would see that asking his parents to sit in a canteen for 12 hours is a bit much smile

motownmover Sun 25-Aug-13 11:42:13

I didn't get visitors and both times stayed in hospital for a week - other than DH and DS but we have no family close by.

However, I do think it helped with my recovery.

I remember someone well known saying that when they went home they put the phones on silence and had a week getting to know their baby which they loved.

I think if you have visitors you have to know that you can handle them and that you are up to it.

Because I had pretty rare births I wasn't up to visitors.

Good luck and take care of yourself.

sameoldIggi Sun 25-Aug-13 11:43:40

Just tell him you are happy for them to visit on the day the baby is born. Really, unless it's your birth partner, I've never heard of GPS being present at the hospital during labour. You are not "denying" them anything, just waiting till a sensible time. Straight after birth is a time for medical staff to monitor you and your baby anyway. I think extra visitors would be shown the door pretty quickly until visiting time.
Your dh has unrealistic expectations, but I think by putting it as a desire to have uninterrupted time with LO it's led him to think they are being deprived in some way. They are not. Unless a sight of your fanjo is something they really wanted to see.

Writerwannabe83 Sun 25-Aug-13 11:44:32

A week with no visitors, just them and the baby - that sounds absolutely perfect to me smile

Glad you recovered from your births x x

Saundy Sun 25-Aug-13 11:58:42

Congrats OP.

I intend to call people once the baby is born not when I'm in labour. If they are waiting outside then DP will probably feel he has to leave me to give updates/excuse to escape etc which is not happening.

However, I will let people come and have a little visit before I leave the hospital, this is a good compromise to me. This is so that they don't come to my home, so is a small price to pay. I'm going to have a strict closed door policy for at least a week after the baby is born so that will allow me to start as I mean to go on.

The though of my newborn baby being passed around is a horrible one but seems unavoidable really.

Writerwannabe83 Sun 25-Aug-13 12:01:58

I think I'm also dreading being kept in hospital for 3 days or so and having endless visitors turning up during the 6 hour window every day! It sounds exhausting and I would hate it!!!

At least at home you can lock the front door and ignore the world! smile

weebarra Sun 25-Aug-13 12:10:03

I'm just back from hospital after having DD by cs.
I had her at 5.15, then was in recovery until about 8 when I was taken to the post natal ward. Visiting hours were 2.30-4 and 7-8.
My parents came the next day and my pils the day after.
I've known many people have their elcs delayed by hours due to emergencies. If you do have a cs you'll be in for 2 days minimum so plenty of time for visitors.

ThedementedPenguin Sun 25-Aug-13 12:17:30

I only just poped in to say this might not even be an issue. You could give birth late at night or even during the night.

I think you do need to discuss it with them. I can see were they are coming from but their wants don't outweigh yours.

Can you say you'll ring them after you've had a bit of alone time, time to get a shower?

Kelly1814 Sun 25-Aug-13 13:00:58

I am so with you on this. I have a date for my ELCS and I haven't even shared this with my parents! I am actually going to give everyone including them a false date (later) as I don't want endless interference and questions about the birth etc.

It is very important to us to have time together as a little family. It's time you will never get back. Good luck.

Writerwannabe83 Sun 25-Aug-13 13:10:51

Thanks Kelly, that is exactly what I want to do smile

What harm is a white lie? smile

Kelly1814 Sun 25-Aug-13 14:01:55

none at all writer!

i am a people pleaser by nature, but when it comes to this, my foot is firmly down! i didn't tell people i was pregnant until 24+ weeks (parents around 21) am intensely private, and on this, even mores.

you should do exactly as you please.

WipsGlitter Sun 25-Aug-13 14:06:14

You need to check what the hospitals policy is. Most wont allow anyone near you until you're on the ward.

FobblyWoof Sun 25-Aug-13 15:06:41

It sounds to me like he's watched too many American tv programmes and films- where they all sit around in the waiting room until baby is born and then flood into the room. I have no idea whether that is a reality in the states but the reason it's nearly always shown like that in tv and films is because they don't have hours to document what actually happens and the gap inbetween, and having all the characters together in the waiting room just makes sense from a plot/dialogue point of view. I doubt many births are actually like that.

Also, for a while after baby is born you will be on the delivery ward. Every local trust varies in their exact policies but for most only birth partners are allowed on the delivery ward because it's not the place for visitors, especially keeping in mind other ladies and their privacy. Like hell I want Joe Bloggs and his entire extended fuxking family around as I'm shuffling down the corridor for a wee mid labour with my fanjo exposed to the world. I seriously doubt his parents would be allowed in. And certainly not even on the main ward until visiting time.

And I'm sure his parents don't want to be sat around for what could be 12 or so hours waiting for news. My hospital has specific waiting areas for people attending appointments etc, there is no provision for peoole waiting for their grandchildren to be born as that's just not the done thing!

PistachioTruffle Sun 25-Aug-13 15:47:34

My hospital doesn't have anywhere for people to sit and wait either, it says this specifically in the info I was given about the hospital at my booking appointment. It also has a strict 2 birthing partner only policy.
I think the time after immediately births must be such a special time of getting to know your own baby, I really wouldn't want hordes of people coming in and disturbing it and wanting to take my baby away and hold it! Of course I won't mind visitors after a few hours, but I think your husband is being unreasonable.
Congratulations on your pregnancy!

firesidechat Sun 25-Aug-13 16:27:20

You may well find that they won't be allowed to hang around while you are in labour. Also the hospital may have strict visiting hours, so they may have to wait to see the baby anyway. It's a long time since I had my children, so not too sure what labour wards are like now.

Personally I'm with you OP. My mil would never have taken the journey to see our new baby, had no fil and my parents lived too far away. Looking back on it I'm very happy that we had some time to ourselves without other visitors even though it wasn't because we made that choice. Does your husband have the scenes on tv dramas in mind when he suggested this? They seem to have family members pacing the floor outside the delivery room, but not too sure if this has any basis in reality.

My daughter says she will tell us when she is in labour and wants us there as soon as possible. I said that we would play it by ear because she and her husband may decide differently when the time comes.

firesidechat Sun 25-Aug-13 16:28:58

FooblyWoof I honestly hadn't seen your post before I wrote my own. Great minds and all that.

tertle Sun 25-Aug-13 16:30:28

I shouldn't worry about it too much at this stage. You haven't even told your inlaws yet so there's not much need to discuss it in great detail now. I'm due in March and my father in law has already told me that he'll keep the whole month free so he and MIL can make their was over as soon as labour starts as MIL will be desperate to get her hands on her first grandchild... shock Husband has also hinted that his parents will be staying with us as soon as the baby comes hmm. I have ignored all of these comments / hints as I plan and being quite firm with my parents in law when I next see them in a couple of weeks and will say 'I don't know how I will feel when the baby is born, let's wait and see, do not make any plans'. To disagree with some posters, I actually think this is better coming from you, rather than your husband, as then your parents in law will know you're serious. And once/if my husband says anything further down the line I am planning on clearly explaining that I am the one giving birth and it's my decision.

Everyone will (hopefully!) respect your decision, especially as they sound like nice people. I'm quite sure your husband will come round to your way of thinking too. Mine is incredibly stubborn but he is coming to realise that I'm the pregnant one, not him!

Good luck smile

CubanoHabana Sun 25-Aug-13 20:43:36

My mil has already told oh that she is panicking in case I go into labour when her husband is working nights as she won't drive at night, so doesn't know how she will get to hospital... Sil said she would just drive her... I haven't yet pointed out to oh that she was not invited!

I have a choice of 3 hospitals and I specifically have not chosen the one next to where she lives for this reason...

Still another 26 weeks to go!

ElaineVintage Sun 25-Aug-13 22:12:00

I'm currently 39+5 weeks and we plan on having at least a week with no visitors. Just me, my husband and our 19 month old boy. Bliss! This will give us time to bond as a family.

With my son birth in Feb12, we had visitors literally first thing in the morning (he was born at 9pm) and they stayed ALL day! It was too much to take. I was still dazed, heavily bleeding and trying to establish breastfeeding. This is why I was adamant this time would be very different. Luckily my husband agrees with me. Hope yours will come round too. It is a very precious time and not about anyone other than you, your husband and your new baby. Do not let anyone emotionally pressure you into anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. All the best with your pregnancy. x

Mamabear12 Sun 25-Aug-13 22:21:25

I wouldn't be so bothered if the grand parents wanted to visit right away and wait while I'm in labour! In fact, it would make me feel happy that they want to be there! But then again, I plan to have my mother in the delivery room with me and my husband, as we did first time around. If my husband wanted his parents to view baby shortly after (once all checks have been done), then of course, I would be more then happy for them to meet the new addition.

But I guess everyone is different. My sister was surprised we wanted my mom staying with us for a few weeks right after birth. She thought we would want that baby moon period and bonding as a family. However, we were both so happy my mom was there at birth and a few weeks after! We were sad when she left and now, happy she is coming back for baby two smile now if only she could stay longer then three weeks!

Mamabear12 Sun 25-Aug-13 22:23:27

Oh and I should mention, both sets of grandparents live out of the country, or they would probably all be waiting at hospital (or at least for the call to come visit) after baby is born smile

Romily Sun 25-Aug-13 23:02:52

When I had my daughter the whole family came to visit in the hospital and I felt completely overwhelmed. As such I have decided that there will be no visitors to the hops this time except for my hubby and daughter, the rest of the family will meet our new arrival when I am home and feeling a bit better.

MummyJetsetter Sun 25-Aug-13 23:10:00

It's pointless them waiting at the hospital, they'll be bored even if you have a quick 5-6 hour labour! My labour was 6 hours and even I was bored! After having my ds I sat having my lunch the next day in the dining room of the birthing ward and there was a woman sat there whilst her grandchild was being born, she was just sat there for hours and couldn't do a thing! Like people have said they won't get in to see you anyway until visiting hours and you're showered and fed. Your dh is being a bit silly! x

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