Visitors after the birth.

[Writerwannabe83]

Morning all

I'm just after your thoughts please after a mini disagreement me and hubby had last night about how quickly to allow visitors into the hospital after the baby is born. We were chatting away and I said I wouldn't tell anybody for absolute hours as I would hate loads of people to descend on me at once. I said I would like to have some quiet time as a family, enjoy our new addition, have all the lovely skin to skin, establish breast feeding, get to know our baby a little etc etc and not have it instead passed from visitor to visitor.

He was not in agreement and said he would like his parents present at the hospital from as soon as labour starts and for them to come into us as soon as the baby is born. He said it would mean a lot to his parents and it is what they would want too - which it would be.

My facial expression said it all and he said, "We'll you can be the one to tell her she can't be there (the MIL) and I don't want to be with you when you do!"

I told him I had absolutely no problem in telling her that!!

I was really shocked by his reaction to my thoughts on how I wanted things to be. Or am I being unreasonable??

[AnythingNotEverything]

I don't think you're being unreasonable.

Are his parents local? What's your relationship with them like? What about your parents?

I wouldn't want anyone else at hospital so soon. If you were kept in, then visitors once you've fed baby, showered etc feels more reasonable.

His job during birth and those early weeks is to support you. You're the one recovering, you're the one establishing feeding, I think that within reason, what you want goes!

I suspect you need to sell him your alternative. A few hours peace for your new family sounds lovely to me!

I've refused to allow overnight house guests for the first few weeks. No one will be coming to the hospital unless we have to stay in!

[Writerwannabe83]

His parents live on the same street as us - 26 doors away
I have a very good relationship with them, they are both absolutely lovely and they will adore this baby.

My issue is that my husband's brother (who has a family) lives in Germany and so his parents have never had a real relationship with their other 3 grandchildren. They never saw them as babies, typically not meeting the 'new' babies until they were about 6 or 7 months old. They only see the
grandchildren (aged 8 months, 3 years and 5 years) about once a year and my hubby's mom has always been heartbroken about that as she feels she hasn't had the chance to be a real Grandma. So, my hubby says this is their chance to be involved in the actual birth of a grandchild and he knows it will mean everything to his parents, especially his mom.

I can kind of see his point and I don't want to be the baddie, but I still want some alone time with my new baby when it comes.

My parents won't be too fussed, it isn't going to be their first grandchild and they would be perfectly happy to wait until I was ready until they came to the hospital to see the baby.

We are still very early in the pregnancy and won't be telling his parents about it for a few weeks yet and they are going to be absolutely over the moon!! There will definitely be tears.

[Queazy]

I would have been shocked too - absolutely no way!! You will be exhausted, possibly giving your first feed (whether breast or bottle) and bonding with your baby. I'm sure your MIL will understand and they can be the first ones perhaps to meet later, the next day or when you're ready. Your DH needs to support you on this - I think it's pretty unfair to expect you to tell his mum! xx

[GinotPrigio]

I don't think it will be at all practical for your DH to expect his parents to be able to wait at the hospital while you are in labour. He has no idea how long your labour will be plus many hospitals will not have anywhere for his parents to wait. I gave birth to DD in a London hospital and they had a very strict "birth partners only" policy on the labour ward, both during labour and after the birth. All entrance doors to the labour ward were locked and controlled by midwives/security. It was like Fort Knox!

DD was born at 10am but I was kept on the labour ward until 9pm that night, then moved to the post-natal ward. Vistors were of course allowed on the post-natal ward but by that time visiting hours were over.

So its worth checking out the policy at your local hospital. If its anything like my hospital was your DP's parents can hang around outside the doors of the labour ward for as long as they want but they won't be allowed anywhere near you!

[Awakeagain]

I think it is unreasonable for his parents to be there as soon as the labour starts, it can last a while and seems a little silly
My sons birth was straight forward and as visiting hours would have even finished once we were on the ward they allowed my mum and dh's parents to come and visit us on the delivery suite (I was annoyed at their time of arrival as I hadn't got dressed as hadn't had my bags as it all happened so quickly)
However we were on the post natal ward for ages (as they just weren't fussed for sending me home) so wish I had had a few more visitors then as I was going stir crazy and had put people off coming to visit me

[AnythingNotEverything]

Hang on - if you haven't told them yet, they might have no intention of coming to hospital. This might just be in your husband's head.

Plus, what happened with his brother's kids should have no impact on you.

[meditrina]

Yes, he's BU. labour is not a time for visitors other than the mother's chosen birth attendants.

I would however urge you to reconsider a bit. New GPs are of course keen to see the baby, and as you won't be getting quiet time in a post natal ward (sorry, they're just not like that), it might be worth having them visit there when you have interruptions, noise etc anyhow.

With a first visit under their belt, it might prove easier to fend them off a bit during the first few days at home.

But the key thing here is, before the birth, to keep using a message of 'we don't know how things will go, and what we'll feel up to. Please don't make any definite plans'.

[StormyBrid]

their chance to be involved in the actual birth of a grandchild - this bit jumped out at me. Grandparental involvement in a birth isn't the norm, and it's not something they've a right to experience. Sounds like a conversation with MIL is in order.

[Bunbaker]

You could of course just not tell them when you go into labour and inform them after the safe arrival of your baby.
We did just that. DD was early so neither of our families had any inkling until OH rang them and told them about DD's arrival.

[MadeOfStarDust]

I agree with Bunbaker - just tell them when birth is over and you feel happy... remember it is only birth partner who can be there usually - others have to wait for visiting times.... Check with the hospital..

Because of timing, we had visitors (my dad SM and PIL ) almost straight after birth - wasn't a problem - midwife told them to be quick and they had to leave after 20 min.... Having that initial experience kept them all away from the door for a couple of days too.......

[Writerwannabe83]

I would be quite happy to not tell anyone that baby is on the way but I don't think hubby would be

Me and hubby think there is a good chance I may need a Planned c-section so his thoughts are that his parents would accompany us to the hospital on the day I'm booked in for, sit in the restaurant whilst I'm having the procedure and then come up to us straight away. Just what I want when I'm recovering and looking like shit from a c-section

I actually don't think my MIL would suggest any of this, I don't think she would see it as her 'right' or anything like that as she isn't the sort to impose herself, but because my husband wants it, and he wants his parents to have that experience, he would probably offer it to her and tell her it is fine. I'm pretty sure that if that level of involvement was offered then his parents would be over the moon to take him up on it!

All I want is something private between me and my husband, with nobody even knowing that the baby is coming (be it via a planned c-section or natural labour) and then a few hours alone with our new baby as a family.

I've got some time to work on my husband but he's a very stubborn man!

[Bunbaker]

Perhaps you could talk to your midwife and she could talk to him and make him see sense.

[MortifiedAdams]

I would NOT have been happy with people outsode in the waiting roo. at hospital, however I was happy to see visitors on the postnatal ward (where there are nice limits.on how.many and how long!).

It meabt people werent chomping at the bit to descend once I got home.

At home, you can just take yourself and dc off to bed for sleeps and feeds and leave dh to man the visitors. Or you could ask if people would mind keeping theor visits short - hour chunks?

Have to say, Im always a little sad at the thoight of grandparents not being welcome to come and visit the newest member of their family.

[Florin]

I wouldn't want anyone at the hospital. We didn't tell anyone I was in labour, luckily I didn't start until midnight and baby born at 6am so was easy to keep quiet. I wouldn't have wanted anyone to come until I was showered dressed and make up on which was about 15 minutes after I was stitched up-made me feel so much better. Then I was desperate to show baby off so invited my parents to the hospital. We were only in for a few hours so mil came next day to see baby although was given a strict arrival and leaving time. When she didn't look keen to leave at stated leaving time dh just said Florin you look like you could do with a nap why don't you take baby upstairs and have a lie down. Once the baby was taken away she soon went. Fil came the day after and my parents popped in quickly. Then we asked for a couple of days break as parents kept wanting to pop in and we really wanted to introduce baby to our friends so had friends over. With mil who would out stay her welcome and also hog the baby and never let me have him back we had a leaving time for quite a while. In fact even now baby is over a year when we see her we still say a leaving time but make up an excuse like we are free until 3 because then we have to do X.

[Writerwannabe83]

I have no problems with them visiting, honestly - but is it unreasonable to ask them to wait a few hours?? Hubby gave the impression that he sees it as being fine that as soon as I'm stitched up and being wheeled out of the theatre, his parents will already be sitting comfortably next to my hospital bed waiting to meet the baby

All I said to my husband was that I wouldn't want to tell people until hours after the baby had arrived that it was here - purely so that just for those few hours we could be a new family together without everyone turning up.

[glenthebattleostrich]

I know it's not a popular view but I am of the opinion that when your DH can give birth then he can make the decisions about who is there during / after labour.

He can, of course, make suggestions and give opinions but ultimately you are the one who is pushing a person out or having major surgery so you get to decide when you want visitors.

A friend of mine had her second by C-Section and her DH wanted his mum there, she asked if he would be inviting his mum to his vasectomy (they'd already decided he would be going for the snip after baby 2) since he was so keen to share everything with her? Strangely enough he saw her point of view after that!

I think you should pre-empt your DH speaking to his mum, and tell her yourself that you would love her to be the first grandparent to meet the baby but would she mind waiting a couple of hours so you can get yourself together and have a little bonding time of your own. Throw in an 'I'm sure you understand, being such a wonderful mum / mil' and stress how much you are looking forward to her having a lovely relationship with baby and your MIL sounds like she'll be fine.

[Bunbaker]

Even post natal wards have set visiting hours so if you are ready to go to the ward at say 10.30 at night there won't be any visitors anyway. At our hospital post natal visiting is between 2pm and 8pm.

[Bunbaker]

Your view is popular with me glen, and it is a very sensible post.

[Writerwannabe83]

Haha glen about the vasectomy!!

I'm very happy for his parents to be the first to meet the baby, but I want to spend some time with the baby first I'm not sure I fancy lying there topless having skin to skin whilst his parents are sitting there watching me

If I do have to have a c-section then maybe I could ask if they have run a night time theatre list?? Good thinking Bun

[MortifiedAdams]

I dont know about anyone else but we spent a good few hours in recovery (4?), before we moved to the ward. Got to the ward about 8am, visiting was 2-4 and 6-8. Marvellous!!

[123bucklemyshoe]

Have you thought about talking to your MiL about your husband's plans & how you feel about. It sounds like she would be quite reasonable & support you. After all she has been through the experience herself. And if she visits you shortly after you have had your time you can make sure she has some special grandma time & feel just as involved - if not more so as she won't feel like she was imposing. A woman to woman conversation might be the thing with you telling her what you want & why and you asking her how she wants to be involved.

[tiggerishtom]

The poster hasn't said grandparents aren't welcome to visit the newest member of the family though has she? Just that she doesn't want them present at the birth or in the first few hours afterwards.

I think both of theses are perfectly reasonable requests.

[Bunbaker]

You have the skin to skin bit straight after the birth while you are still in the labour suite. I don't think visitors are allowed in there anyway.
I think you are only allowed visitors once you are on the ward (during visiting hours only), by which time you will have been able to get cleaned up etc.

[Writerwannabe83]

Thanks Tigger.

And good advice there 123. I actually think my MIL would be fine with my request. I think I'm just confused as to why my husband is pushing for it so much.