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I don't want to go into labour...

(14 Posts)
bigredbaboonsbottom Tue 20-Aug-13 10:44:14

So, 40+8 today and I know its going to happen, but I just don't want it to happen now.

DP has a nearly teenager and grown up son from previous relationship. Have a good relationship with the elder son, who lives here, but youngest and I have recently had a complete breakdown. Which has been hard as I thought we got on great and I did a lot of stuff for/with him, tried to be involved and interested (even if I can't explain the offside rule and don't really care if Liverpool won).

Youngest hasn't been near in weeks (maybe even months) wouldn't answer phone to DP and hasn't wanted to know. Also made some really hurtful accusations and DPs ex made it clear that it wasn't my place to try and sort things out, even though they were about me.

I told DP I didn't want to be on my own with the youngest son and no longer ask him to do anything, I am ashamed to say that I struggle to talk to him at all (please don't burn me for that, I know I'm supposed to be the grown up).

The youngest was supposed to be collected yesterday, but DP's ex had other things to do and he's still here - and nobody will say if he's going. DP is at work, I'm shut in my bedroom and I don't want to go into labour whilst we're here on our own.

I know I'm being stupid, and mean and nasty and all those things. I just wanted this to be a happy time for all of us (this is my first), but because I can't deal with a nearly teenager, I'm ruining it.

If I can't deal with this what kind of mother am I going to be?

HumphreyCobbler Tue 20-Aug-13 12:40:50

You will be a fine mother. It sounds a very difficult situation, but also remember that at your stage of pregnancy EVERYTHING is a challenge. I do hope you can manage to feel more relaxed and that your DP is supportive of you, and that you get some space.

bigredbaboonsbottom Tue 20-Aug-13 14:04:55

Well I think I'm in the dog house with DP following text asking if I'd seen youngest son... My reply 'passed him in the hallway earlier' may not have been detailed enough, so I'm back in the 'unreasonable' corner again.

Sat on bed after I got out of shower and balled my eyes out. Now have a headache, but feel a bit better.

Suppose I shld venture out of bedroom and get food/drink. Alone at moment as youngest has gone to the park.

Thanks for replying Humphrey.

chattychattyboomba Tue 20-Aug-13 14:14:22

OP- I am in no way saying this to have a go, it's more of a confidence boost (well I hope so anyway!)
You ARE the adult. You need to tell him that you understand he is upset, but there are more important things going on at the moment and him being moody is not helpful or acceptable. He is behaving selfishly and if he is ready to talk about whatever he is feeling with you then you would be more than happy to listen, because you want everyone to be happy and get along, so that this new baby can have a calm, relaxed and loving welcome into the family.
(There are several other things I would like to tell him but probably wouldn't be helpful) wink

bigredbaboonsbottom Tue 20-Aug-13 15:17:17

I wish I could Chatty. I tried so hard before he stopped coming, to get him to talk, tell me what the problems were... He looked straight through me and wouldn't talk or engage.

DP wants to avoid confrontation and DP's ex went as far as calling me stupid for being upset by it all. Neither of them want to talk to him about recent behavior and what he's said.

Maybe I could try tonight if we all sit down together for tea. The thought makes me feel sick but deep down I know I'm the only one that will take any action, although I guess that's why I'm usually classed as the bad guy.

ratbagcatbag Tue 20-Aug-13 15:29:32

Hmmmmm, whilst dps ex has an opinion, I would never let anyone in my house treat me in such a way I felt as you did, if do wont man up then you speak to dss.

I'd simply explain to him I'd like a chat at its not on to be surly, rude etc and when under this roof you will be polite. However that means you making the effort to talk to him and acknowledge him too, even if its a one way conversation.

My dss admitted not like yours cab be grumpy and stonewall me, I say something like.

Hi dss, how's things? <tumbleweed>
Me: oh well you're looking fine, done anything nice <more tumbleweed>
Me: we'll I'm sooooo pleased you shared that withme, teas at x were having y and I'm watching tv. See you in a bit grin

LillyofWinchester Tue 20-Aug-13 15:31:39

Do you think if you persisted with trying to sort things put with him and engaging him to talk it might annoy him so much he'll be begging to go to his mums? Or if not it might actually work and you might clear the air? Win win either way, and if neither of those things happen at least your partner could see you are trying.

Your partner also probably had a vision about how this special time in his life would go too, and now two of the people he loves most are fighting. He's probably gutted its not living up to his imagination too.

I really feel for you as it's such a hard time, you are excited, nervous, scared etc as it is, and don't need this on your plate too. Hard as it is though, I think acting like the adult, even if you're faking it, will get you what you want a lot easier and more quickly. Good luck with everything.

bigredbaboonsbottom Tue 20-Aug-13 16:02:49

Thanks Lilly and Rat

I know I have to try and will try to do it tonight.

DP is getting defensive because he thinks I'm making him chose between us, which isn't true. I want him to have a relationship with his son. I just needed to pull back my own involvement and leave parenting issues to his parents.

Maybe clearing the air will be best thing for getting things moving. I really don't want to be induced over a bank holiday weekend, which is my MW's cunning plan if I don't get a move on!

bigredbaboonsbottom Tue 20-Aug-13 16:04:09

And Rat I like that way of dealing with stone walling!

Xenadog Tue 20-Aug-13 16:42:18

Surely your DP should be speaking to his son and finding out what the issue is and then putting measures in to resolve it? I

Yes you are the adult so as it's your home I would go about your everyday business in a normal manner. Speak to the boy and be polite but I personally wouldn't push the issue.

You have enough to think about with what is about to happen so your energies need to be focused on that and not what this boy wants. His rude and obnoxious attitude where he ignores you is not on and I would ignore it and him until he can be pleasant. By all means offer him a drink or lunch or whatever and if he ignores you then carry on as though he wasn't there. He is choosing to behave like a silly child but rather than pander to him I think you need to ignore this and not let it bother you too much.

I really think your DP needs to MTFU and deal with this matter sooner rather than later.

As for your OP, I would say don't just your parenting skills by the sulky behaviour of your SS.

HumptyDumptyBumpty Tue 20-Aug-13 16:55:49

What xena said. Your DP is his parent, and needs to parent him, especially as it sounds as if he's possibly struggling with the arrival of a new baby, cementing you and DP in your (to him) new relationship. Maybe, to him, this is the end of any possibility that his parents will get back together.

Put your feet up and don't worry about your DP passing the buck.

ratbagcatbag Tue 20-Aug-13 19:36:41

Bigred - I find if I'm fairly chirpy with it, it doesn't bother me as I've then tried, when they're in that mood there is no point trying to deal with anything huge as you have no idea what they're thinking.

If you're seen to be making an effort dss will soon come round to talking to you, if he's blanking you just have conversations that include him but don't require an answer. Like

I tell you what dss this weathers making me hot, mind you it's probably the baby, are you warm? (If no answer) well judging by your thermal socks/ shorts no t shirt you're freezing/boiling etc. I'm looking forward to you meeting your sibling, can't wait to get some special pics, that will be lovely. Watched anything on tv lately (no answer) well I've been watching x y and z.

I treat it like talking to myself, if you make the effort then he will at least think you're trying even if he doesn't respond straight away. My dss will sometimes respond to tv comment regarding what I'm watching with "that's stupid" I don't get annoyed, just follow up with "oh really, why?"

I've obviously had far too much practice with hormonal teenager. grin

Applepiesky Wed 21-Aug-13 08:43:24

Just come across this thread - hope you're ok OP !! Any developments?

bigredbaboonsbottom Thu 22-Aug-13 08:55:43

Still no baby :-(

I didn't talk to anyone very much on Tuesday evening, if I had I don't think anything would have ended well and I would have been back with my mum.

Youngest stayed with a friend last night, he's apparently coming back today.

I will take the advice on here and be polite and make an effort, but I do think parenting needs to up to DP. I suppose I can continue to make "suggestions" from behind the scenes.

Being an opinionated individual, its difficult to keep my gob shut when I think something needs addressing (room a mess, inappropriate TV/playstation games, rudeness, manners, inconsiderate behaviour, general disgustingness and filth) especially when you've done it for 18 months already.

Still, onwards, need to get this baby out before they start filling me with drugs... Off to MW at lunchtime.

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