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Who had a baby knowing their partner didn't want one?

(59 Posts)
Sunshine123 Fri 06-Feb-04 22:01:56

I keep toying with the idea of how nice baby number 3 would be but my dh is not the broody sort and doesn't want anymore. I know that he would have another one to make/keep me happy (he's told me so) but i just don't know if i could knowing that he didn't want it to. Has anyone been in this situation and just got pregnant regardless? He's working loads at the moment and i feel we're drifting a bit and can't help thinking that a third baby would make me so happy and draw us closer together again - but will it if he only does it to keep me happy?

easy Fri 06-Feb-04 22:07:20

Sunshine,

I have no experience of this, except to say that from what I've seen all around me, a baby NEVER draws people closer together. They are in fact the most divisive invention known to married couples.

And I say that knowing that dh and I love ds very very much, but our marriage has been harder since he came along (4 years ago)

HiddenSpirit Fri 06-Feb-04 22:33:35

I would agree with easy, Sunshine

Is it possibly too soon for him to think of you both having another child? Sorry don't know how old your 2 DC are.

We have 3 children, and I would like a 4th (shock horror ) but DP is set against that at mo (ours are 5, 4 & 2). I'm more thinking when the youngest is at school though, so we shall see in 3yrs when that time comes

Also, you say that he would agree to have another baby to make you happy. I think if he wasn't wholeheartedly up for having another child, this would be a mistake. It could mean recriminations if (touch wood you don't) have a bad arguement, where he says "well I only agreed to have a baby to shut you up ect" (I don't mean that btw, just we can all be mean in arguements sometimes IYSWIM )

Sorry just my 2p worth

Toyiba Sat 07-Feb-04 23:05:28

hi sunshine123, I'd just like to say that i am in the same situation . My DP doesn't want this child, only because it isn't ligit and if his family ever found out then he would be a disgrace for them. Yes we're muslims and, unfortunately our religion is lenient at all when it comes to having sex before marriage. My DP told me that if i was to have this baby then our relationship would have to end.
However, i chose what i wanted to do and that was to keep this baby. I am now 13 wks. I have waited a long time to conceive, and now that i have there was no way in this world i would terminate it.
Although my situation is different from urs, i would say that you both need to sit down and discuss what you want, but in the end it should be your choice.

kathbuzzing Mon 09-Feb-04 00:19:42

I have been in exactly this sitiuation. We have 3 kids now. I am thrilled about it but I cannot say it has done much for our relationship - it is a real strain at times because he agreed as an act of love for me but I think deeply resents it. Our relationship is basically very strong and I think we will ride out these times but don't kid yourself that your relationship will be any better. An extra person in the family is a major event for everyone - 4 new relationships will form and existing ones will have to adjust.

Basically it is one of those no win situations - one of you cannot have things the way you want them. One of you has to agree to go the way the other wants without resentment. Looking back I was utterly desperate for a no 3 and the yearning was all consuming for me but I think I am the lesser person for not being able to give it all up for him. I wish we had had some counselling about it before deciding either way so that whoever did not get what they wanted was better able to accept it.

Sorry as i do not think this is the answer you wanted. I am not trying to put you off just saying be prepared. Good luck in whatever you do.

mears Mon 09-Feb-04 01:06:41

My friend did thid with baby no2 then baby no.3 Her DH then had a vasectomy to make sure it couldn't happen again. Apart from being a bit angry when she announced her pregnancy initially, he loves his kids to bits.

Have to say that if you are drifting apart a third baby could put a tin lid on it. Get yourselves sorted out before having the stress of another baby.

Loobie Mon 09-Feb-04 11:21:34

This happened to me and dp,we have 3 children together,the 3rd was unplanned though id idnt mind he was very unhappy and refused to accept the baby growing in my tummy.His whole attitude changed and he mad elife very difficult for me,i kept very poorly in the pregnancy and ds1 had just been diagnosed with asd 3 months before i fell pg,so he was having huge difficulties as were we in dealing with him.I went ahead with the pregnancy and he continued to ignore it and make life difficult,we had been together 8 years and had 2 ds but we split when i was 5 months pregnant with no.3 who was my wonderful dd.So i would say be very careful where you tread,i love my dd with all my heart,she is the most precious thing in the world to me especially as she wasnt meant to get here,but she cost me a lot is all i can say to show the pressure of having a one sided pg.

Galaxy Mon 09-Feb-04 11:25:41

message withdrawn

handlemecarefully Mon 09-Feb-04 11:37:49

To be honest I think its unfair on the partner who doesn't want another child to go ahead and conceive one anyway.

My dh would like a 3rd child - I'm adamant I want to stick at two. A third child would probably send me spiralling off into depression...my dh has been very understanding of my position and doesn't pressurise me to reconsider having a 3rd.

IMO, children do bring great joy but also involve a not inconsiderable degree of sacrifice - and I think both partners need to be fully signed up to this.

tigermoth Tue 10-Feb-04 07:42:25

How happy was your husband when you got pregnant the last two times? Is he the sort of person who worries about the idea of babies, but loves them to bits when they arrive? I needed tons of persuading from my dh to have a baby at all. I would have been very happy to be childless - I had known my dh for over 6 years before I got pregnant. Against my better judgment I agreed to a baby, spent my first pregnancy convinced it was a mistake, but then those feelings gradually melted away when my son was born. I loved being a mother. I am eternally grateful that my husband made me go for it.

However it was me, not dh, who wanted a second child. My dh agreed in the end and was not totally anti underneath, but he took much longer to bond with my second son. It was only after my son passed toddlerhood that my dh really took to him in his own right. Before then, loving him was a duty and did put pressure on him.

Are you prepared to wait much longer for your husband to love your third child? I did find this upsetting, and felt my youngest missed out on affection in the early years. Things have righted themselves now, more or less, but I've had to wait a long time.

Twinkie Tue 10-Feb-04 08:33:56

I think this should be a joint decision and agree with everyone that a relationship is harder to sustain with children than without - you lose the ability to be selfish with your time totally.

As for the quote farther down that it is in the end your decision - no I strongly disagree with this - it is not - a child is part of you both and a very very serious decision you need to take together.

Just for the record more marraiges split after the bitrh of the 3rd child than at any other stage!!

M2T Tue 10-Feb-04 09:00:54

Sunshine - You know that if he is willing to just go along with it to make you happy then he can't be totally against the idea..... perhaps he would just prefer not to have another newborn around? I think that if you really want another, finances allow it and your DH doesn't really oppose it.... then you don't have a problem.

HOWEVER, you DO have a problem if you think it'll make your relationship better. Like others have said maybe you should get things back on track with your relationship. You might find that if you are close again he will want another child as much as you.

FWIW - I think that a lot of men will never feel ready for a child. My DH had never held a baby before ds was born. He didn't like babies and wasn't fussed about having them. Then his best mate had a baby and he thought it looked like fun (!!!). 11mths later ds was born and DH is a doting father. He absolutley LOVES being a DAD and No2 is on the way.

I don't think there are many people out there (men and women) that are not ready to have children until they are handed their 1st baby and told "It's a ****".

Tom Tue 10-Feb-04 13:00:24

My missus doesn't want another baby yet, but I do - should I tear a little hole in a condom and get her pregnant?

Of course not.

CountessDracula Tue 10-Feb-04 13:05:04

Tom I'd just wait until she's asleep and sneakily do your worst

Motherdearest Wed 11-Feb-04 15:22:26

I think Tom sums it up perfectly. It has to be a joint positive decision.

crazy4kids Thu 03-Mar-05 20:09:47

Help! I have 4 kids already. I really had to fight for 3 and 4 but it was agreed and my husband will agree he's glad because he wouldn't have it any other way. We were done. Then I got pregnant, then miscarried at 11 weeks. We were shocked but quickly became accepting and excited. Now I would try again. Our house runs well, and there is nothing I love more than all this. He says I'm greedy, and doesn't want to try again. He then says fine let's just do it so I'm my old self again. I view this as a completely separate loss. A loss I just cannot cope with. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Xena Thu 03-Mar-05 20:25:31

C4K's I don't understand your post are you trying for number 5?

crazy4kids Thu 03-Mar-05 21:53:58

Yes, crazily enough I'd like to try for number 5. It does seem greedy . I had a vision I guess before of how this could work well. We have 3 girls then a boy, 50/50 he'd get a brother, and so many other great reasons. I feel like when I feel sad about the miscarriage everyone says you can still try again, even the anestiseologist in the operating room before my d & c said this. Everyone that is but my husband. Out of frustration with me he's said fine, let's just do it. I feel this is the wrong thing to do. Do I take advantage of that and hope he comes around, do I just hope he'll come around, or does anyone have a suggestion for how I can just let this go?

munnzieb Fri 04-Mar-05 09:30:50

well I personally think that even if u're married if u know ur partner doesn't want children and you secretly go and have one it's entrappment. it should be a joint venture you both want to do.

Xena Fri 04-Mar-05 10:30:07

C4K my DH wants to try for no4 and I'd like to, we have DS and 2DD's. DS really wants a brother but also 50/50 that he'd get another baby.

p.s. you could get twins

jolly4 Fri 04-Mar-05 11:43:10

yes i know what you are talkin about i have been with my dp for 14 years after 2 i was desperate for children we had our ups an downs as i suppose most relationships he was just not ready for kids at 25 i was , so it went on the back boiler then we finally had our first 7 years ago when we were both 32 i am now NEARLY 40 this year and have just had our second child a little girl , hence my dear partner was addamant that there would not be a second , i must say that it wasnt until my ds was 5 that the broodiness started too kick in i too thought of just getting pg without him knowing ie 4 get too take pill but at the back of my mind i thought i want this baby too be wanted by us both , so i just kept talkin about my needs and how i didnt feel complete and told my dp i thought he was selfish , i the end he agreed , but did say that he was doing it for me which i wasnt too happy about , but now he is great and a lovin dad too no 2 as well as our ds , so all i can say is talk an talk til you can persuade him im sure he will come round but dont trick him you will only feel guilty i am now thinking third you know what my dp said ---- --- but i think i am getting too old now wished i had started earlier good luck hope you get what you really want xx

crazy4kids Fri 04-Mar-05 13:56:24

Thanks much! I just can't find words to express to him this very driving need. He thinks we are pushing our luck, that we were fine being done before and can't understand why just because I accidently got pregnant and miscarried that this changes things. I just feel that we were both excited about it before and I could really visualize how great it would be. (Even though it would be a lot of work). I feel like I deserve the chance to try again. I feel like all of the things I hear about miscarriage, that people seem to always try again. Maybe that's where my need stems from. I don't think it will fix the loss of that baby, I kind of feel like we experienced that so that maybe we would rethink our former decision of being done. In hind sight if that baby would have made it, it would have been somewhat close to the littelest one we have now and now this would be significantly better timing. I just look at my husbands grandparents for example who had 4 kids. Everything else in their life -- their house, cars, ability to travel, going to school, job -- has come and gone. Their kids, grandkids all visit often because there is many of them, and it is so obvious that is their true treasure, the only constant over the course of their life. What can I say to convince him?? He is at the point of frustration with me where he just say's "fine, whatever" but it's simply to keep me happy, I think that's signing up for trouble?!?! You guys are great, I just really needed an objective voice and a place to think outloud because it's not at home . I appreciate your thoughts and knowing I'm not alone.

blueteddy Fri 04-Mar-05 14:34:40

My dh did not want ANY children.
Ds1 was the result of a 5 hour late mini pill & ds2 was, I believe, due to IBS while on the combination pill.
Dh came round to the idea of ds1, but definitely did not want any more.
I thought it may be nice for ds1 to have a sibling, but would never have wanted a child when my dh didn't.
When I found out I was pregnant again with ds2 I was devastated because I did not want another unplanned pregnancy & knew how much dh did not want another baby.
Dh was very distant throughout the entire pregnancy & I had trouble accepting that I was in the situation, which led to both anti natal & post natal depression.
Dh showed no emotion at all when ds2 was born, which was heart breaking & did not hold him for 3 days.
After AD's & counselling I got over my depression & dh soon loved ds2 to bits
He is a lovely little boy, who we would not be without, but I would NEVER advise having a child unless both partners are completley happy about it.
And like someone said, babies are more likely to put a strain on your relationship than make it better!

stitch Sun 06-Mar-05 07:39:02

if your dh doesnt want another babym then it would be better not to try for one. but if you do have an unplanned pregnancy then that is different. but i think tom sums it up. dont.

samwifewithkid Sun 06-Mar-05 11:24:04

C4K - I am sorry to be rude to you, but don't you think that 4 kids is enough? Some people in this world can't even have 1! I can't understand a womans need to carry on reproducing and ending up having 8 or so, where do you stop and draw the line? People only had large families years ago because they didn't have contraception facilities. These days we know better. There is only so much love to go around between children and the more you have the less the others get. Is it more for the womans love of babies that people want more and more? I can't understand it. Please don't take this the wrong way I am not being nasty, I just find it something hard to believe.

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