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How involved is your Mum?

(21 Posts)
offonajolly Thu 11-Jul-13 10:17:48

Hi folks, I am 7 months pregnant and I feel that I've really been doing everything on my own. The planning, making lists, buying things, getting advice from 2 friends who have had babies but aren't close friends - they have been great at offering tips on what to buy and not etc. I've got one pregnancy book and have signed up to some websites for regular updates and things but other than that, I haven't really had any input from my Mum...I'm just wondering if this is normal?

Bunnylion Thu 11-Jul-13 10:26:12

I think it depends on your relationship and also on how independent you are - or how independent your mum thinks you are.

My mums not been involved in planning or making lists, but we talk about pregnancy, birth and general eagerly baby care quite often in casual conversation.

If you want her to be more involved then invite her for an afternoon out to look round baby shops. Or explicitly tell her you need some advice on what to buy or how to do something. She may just not want to tread on your toes or feel like she's dictating how to do things.

ExhaustedMamasita Thu 11-Jul-13 10:40:23

Hey offonajolly – I’m also 7 months PG. My parents live in another city – about two hours by car and have had very little involvement in anything related to my pregnancy or getting ready for baby’s arrival. Apart from getting excited and listening to my bump related stories, they’ve been completely out of the picture. Parents in law have been even worse to be honest – it’s as though I’m not even preggers! Don’t mind in the slightest to be honest. I’ve always been very independent so it works just fine for me. Hubbie is actively involved in everything and to me that’s all that matters. It was the same for my wedding so I guess to me it’s normal, in fact I’ve come to expect it.

As long everything’s ticking on nicely, I wouldn’t worry too much. I bet you though, when the baby arrives your Mum will be all over he/she! Enjoy the next two months in peace! x

offonajolly Thu 11-Jul-13 10:57:11

True, all good advice. I suppose I am just getting on with things and have always been able to organise myself so there isn't much they can do really at the moment. I do find it frustrating though when Mums or Mum in Laws say 'I had loads of energy when I was 7 months pregnant; and I'm thinking, yes but you weren't working full time! Or when they say - oh you should do less....how exactly? I can't just not turn up to my office! Maybe it is best I can just get on with things...I think they are excited in their own ways. Thanks for listening ladies.

rowtunda Thu 11-Jul-13 11:33:09

I don't really understand what you want or expect your mum to be doing? Its your baby and your an adult now so surely you can get things prepared for the new arrival without their help?

I think your being a bit unfair on your mum tbh by expecting her to do more - surely she has her own life to lead as well.

purplemurple1 Thu 11-Jul-13 11:39:12

I'm sure they are excited and to be fair they know things have changed since they were preg and sometimes don't know what to say/do to help. My MIL is almost 80, so no she can't really offer that much practical help and advice as she has never had my sort of job, lifestyle, and theres a language barrier, still I'm sure when bb is out she and yours will be there to help rock/burp bb and give you a little sainty time.

You should def invite your mum over for some shopping/advice and pull her in to your preg time if you want that support, you never know she may just be waiting for the invite.

Kelly1814 Thu 11-Jul-13 11:51:48

i live overseas so my mum's involvment is limited, but i like it that way. am v independent and used to getting on with things.

also, things were quite different when i was a baby, i just told my mum that i had a glucose test today - she went into a mad panic about it and started stressing me.

turns out that backin the olden days (!) when i was born, this wasn't usual. now it's standard. so tbh, i'd rather not have her fussing over stuff.

notso Thu 11-Jul-13 12:05:23

Not really sure what kind of involvement you mean, advice, buying things?

I had my first in my late teens and although both sets of parents helped us out by buying us baby things (cot and pram)they weren't massively involved in anything else. They have a big involvement in our lives now and are close to our DC but not in a doing things for us way.
I know people who's Mums go to every ante-natal appointment, are there at the birth and stay over for weeks doing night feeds. I would hate that, I'm of the opinion that I didn't need my Mum there at the conception so I don't need her there for the other bits!

offonajolly Thu 11-Jul-13 12:22:46

Fair enough. I was just curious to see if other people's Mums were more involved and if so in what way.

Rowtunda - I'm not sure either what I expect her to be doing so I was asking how involved other people's Mums were to find out how Mums do get involved more should they so wish.

I am getting on with things without her help, I already said so?

There was never any expectation on my Mum, just a question asked...

Thanks for the replies.

Champagnebubble Thu 11-Jul-13 12:30:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notso Thu 11-Jul-13 12:32:59

Is your DH doing his bit, if he's not then I can see why you would be looking to someone else for support.
Mine was pretty clueless with DC1 but he delivered DC4 so all was not lost grin
Like purple said invite her out baby shopping, no-one can resist getting gooey over mini things!

notso Thu 11-Jul-13 12:33:45

... and Congratulations smile

SeriousStuff Thu 11-Jul-13 12:42:49

I have a great relationship with my mum, but she has only offered advice etc. if I've asked for it. DH and I have done all the planning together.

I know she is excited about the baby, but I think she's doing the right thing in only offering advice when sought - I couldn't bear having a mum who was constantly going on about it!

Champagnebubble Thu 11-Jul-13 13:00:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

4x4 Thu 11-Jul-13 13:32:31

Glad I'm not the only one with a mother who didn't and doesn't "do" much.
It seemed all my friends mothers were really interested , bought things for the baby , helped when the baby was born and continue to do so.
I would be really amazed if mine knew my son's full names.

mustardtomango Thu 11-Jul-13 14:06:19

My mum's involved in the sense that we talk about bump, she tells me about baby things she's seen / heard, and we talk about how things might be after we've had him, but mainly I think she's just really keen that we enjoy this time for ourselves and that she doesn't overwhelm us /tell us what to do. I know she'd be there in a heartbeat if i needed her, and i love that.
I guess everyone's different, but for me this is perfect.

mrsmellow Thu 11-Jul-13 14:19:01

My mum died 4 yrs ago and it has been the saddest thing in this pregnancy that she's not here to share and get involved. She would have been so happy and probably have bought lots of things I don't want or need and definitely driven dh up the wall, but I wish she was here. If you want her to be more involved, just tell her. She probably just doesn't realise if you have always been very independent. Hope your last few months go well.

SourSweets Thu 11-Jul-13 14:25:45

My mum is so so worried about being overbearing, she's so excited (first and long awaited, even though I'm only 26, grandchild) that she panics and apologises for buying things and wanting to visit. I love how involved she is and keep telling her not to worry but she's just paranoid about being too full on. Maybe your mum is feeling a bit like that too? Have you told her you'd like her involvement? Maybe ask her to do or buy a specific thing and then she won't think she's stepping on your toes.

Fairydogmother Thu 11-Jul-13 15:17:17

Hi there and congrats OP!

My mom hasn't been involved at all and in fact was pretty horrible to me after I told her I was pregnant! We aren't getting married until next year and she doesn't like that lol.

I tried to involve her and invited her to a private scan where we found out the sex. It was a mistake. She hardly said a word even after we found out we're expecting the first boy in our family for over 4 generations.

I sometimes wish she would be a little more involved and j was a wee bit hurt that they haven't offered to help with buying even something small. Don't want to sound grabby there but I just thought they might have wanted to.

But on the flip side at least she's not mega interfering!

HeffalumpTheFlump Thu 11-Jul-13 15:30:47

I don't know if your mum is anything like mine, but my mum has been careful not to be interfering and doesn't want to seem like she is telling me how I should do things. I think it's a difficult line for mums to tread as they want to help but probably remember feeling like no one thought they were capable because they were constantly being told what to do etc.

Queazy Thu 11-Jul-13 19:06:08

I can understand that you're not necessarily looking for your mum to write lists and tell you what to do, but sometimes you want them to be actively involved and interested and finding out how you're doing with things. My mum hasn't been involved at all. I saw her at 13 weeks and 33 weeks and she sent texts in between (mainly about her holidays). She hasn't seen scan pics or shown any real interest - it was the same when I got married and if I'm honest, it embarrassed me a bit when friends would ask. I posted on mumsnet when 21 weeks and gutted my mum didn't bother to call when she said she would the weekend after the scan and just sent a random text. People were really honest, saying that I needed to stop wanting for something I'm not going to get from her. I don't want or need the input anymore. Do I wish I had some bake-a-thon, baby-whispering mum...yes, but will that bring me one...no!!! To be fair, I'm perfectly sure she would swap me given the chance wink

I know you're just asking how much other people's mums inputted, rather than suggesting a poor relationship with your own mum. Take her along for a day baby shopping with you if you're up to it...if you otherwise have a close relationship, it might kick start more involvement. If not, stop off for cake and at least get some cravings kicked xx

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