MIL Communication

[ilovemulberry]

We told our families we were expecting our first child mid march, Since then my MIL has been to see me once and another time I have had to go to her house to see visiting relatives. Other than this, I have received no communication from her, not even a text asking how everything is going (she lives 5 mins away and works p/t hours)

Don't get me wrong, I actually don't mind it, she isn't the most maternal person in the word- My husband agrees. She is very opinionated and disagrees with everything I say, not in an argumentative way but I can tell she would laugh off my opinions to others when I leave. I.E- me mentioning I'm going to buy baby essentials from a decent department store so they wash well and I can keep for next one- this was then bought up by another of his family members insinuating they had discussed my 'snobby' attitude!!

My friend will be throwing me a 'suprise' baby shower and asked if she should invite her, obviously I said yes (my mother isnt really a fan of her opinions either and my friends are a lot more gutsy than me, so good luck to her if she starts bringing her opinions up in front of them) I do think it would be rather cheeky of her to come along, if she hasn't bothered contacting me before then- I am making a point not to make the effort.

What do you think? I am overreacting, should MIL drop the occasional text to see how things are progressing? Or am I just sensative?

[ShoeWhore]

How much contact do you normally have with her? Is this more/less than usual or about the same?

[Dackyduddles]

Maybe she's concerned not to overwhelm you? Could be a million things but I'd enjoy the peace and quiet for a while tbh.

Might all change after birth!

[fanjobiscuits]

Hmmm a difficult one. I can understand your point of view, but on the other hand if my MIL texted me while pregnant to ask how things were going it would just annoy me! Do you normally keep in regular contact? Do you text her to see how things are going for her?

[TinkyPeet]

Were you very close before you got pregnant? If not then I think tbh you shouldn't expect a relationship to change just because you are pregnant now. It does sound like you want attention as opposed to trying to improve a relationship.
I wouldn't think it cheeky of her to attend a baby shower that she is invited to and I think she, like everyone else, is entitled to her own opinions whether you agree or not.

[ilovemulberry]

Commutation is about the same, maybe a little less as its usually me making the effort to go there, which I haven't done as they all chain smoke and her house stinks. I guess I just thought the occasional enquiry might have happened !

God I hope she doesn't go the complete opposite when baby comes !!

[ilovemulberry]

I don't want attention! I have enough family of my own if I need that. I just find her lack of care over her unborn grandchild weird. Most grandparents are excited surely?

Her opinions are fine, until they are offensive and sometimes they go there.

[ilovemulberry]

I don't want attention! I have enough family of my own if I need that. I just find her lack of care over her unborn grandchild weird. Most grandparents are excited surely?

Her opinions are fine, until they are offensive and sometimes they go there.

[Ragwort]

You are complaining that she is not contacting you but you are saying you don't want her attention .

Considering most of the complaints about MILs I think you should count yourself lucky .

[ilovemulberry]

So I'm overreacting? It's not normal for MIL to ask how pregnancy is going?

[TinkyPeet]

Well then sorry op but what's your point? You said yourself she isn't very maternal, so she wouldn't get very excited over a child that hasn't been born yet, and you say she isn't offensive in general but you don't agree on things, well if everyone had the same opinions on things then life would be very boring.
Does she have other grandchildren that she dotes on and is leaving you out?
You can't make a person become overly concerned because you're pregnant, and if she was pushing herself at you 10 times a day to know what you're doing/eating etc you wouldn't like that either.

[TiggerWearsATriteSmile]

Nope, you're pregnant.
It's not a big deal really.

If she's moaning about your choice of baby clothes don't even think of discussing buggies (huge cost) or baby names.

In fact don't even mention what kind of name you like. To anyone. Ever.
Baby showers are awful bloody things. Invite her but don't moan if she doesn't go.

[ilovemulberry]

I guess we are two very different types of people. I really wasn't asking for attention, I just wanted to see if others thought it was normal. if everyone said no she should be asking how u are etc. I would have thought I had done something to offend her.

[minniemagoo]

Sorry if I am not reading this right but you are due mid March so still early days. Tbh some people other than the mother find it difficult to bond during pregnancy. If you search I am sure you'll find lots of posts from women worried about their dhs not showing much interest not to mention mils. You are excited but to a lot of people March and the reality of a grandchild may seem far away. Things change when baby arrives.
Talk of buying clothes, baby showers etc this early is IMO not usual. And probably something she wouldnt have come accross in her day. Lots don't tell so early so give her a chance. Enjoy the excitement with your Dh as and manage your expectations of others excitement. Best of luck

[ilovemulberry]

Thanks tigger. I have learned not to mention anything to her about purchases (when I do eventually see her)

[ilovemulberry]

Minnie sorry you read it wrong. We announced in mid march due mid sept

[Standautocorrected]

She might surprise you when baby is born and be a perfect grandmother. When we told my mum I was expecting she seemed a bit annoyed and shocked whereas the mil was crying and saying how wonderful it was etc.

My mum put together a bundle of essentials for me and baby and she is a great role model to our dc. The mil said she would buy us a pram and some clothes for the baby. She gave us a bag of second hand clothes from her friends grandchild. Don't mind second hand btw, it's just not what I was expecting from what she had said.
As you might predict, mil is not a great role model and I find actions speak much louder than words.

D you ring her and chat to her normally?
Good luck.

[Apparentlychilled]

To be honest, I think it's totally understandable to think that she might be interested, but it's not surprising that she's not, if she's not a maternal type. I'd focus on what you've got (your family's support, your DH and friends) and definitely do as Tiger says and don't discuss anything with her!

[WipsGlitter]

YABU. It would be great if people were interested in stuff we thought they should be interested in, but often they're not. It's her loss.

[ilovemulberry]

I think you are right. I'm over thinking it. I guess I expect too much. I should be grateful it's not the other way around

[Nicolaeus]

As minnie says it may just be because it's so early.

We didn't want to hound DB and SIL when she was just a few weeks pregnant. To be honest we were wary at how much they announced it to everyone before even 8 weeks - I kept it very close to my chest before 12 weeks.

However once we realised how excited DB and SIL are we joined in but from my point of view, I've never been particularly close to SIL and I didn't want to up my contact with her just because she's carrying DB's baby IYSWIM? I didn't want her to be offended and feel I was only interested in the pregnancy (which I'm not, it's just we're not very close but finally have a subject we can talk about!)

[Apparentlychilled]

Btw, I meant to say that I really felt slights (perceived or real) towards my children (even before they were born) much more keenly than when I thought I was the one being snubbed, IYKWIM. So I kind of think that YANBU, but maybe a bit unrealistic.

[ilovemulberry]

Nicolaeus - we announced in mid march. We are due mid September :) I wouldn't be concerned if I was a couple of weeks pregnant. I'm not that needy

[GiveMumABreak]

What a pity MIL isn't that interested (my MIL is a lovely lady, but has never shown much interest in me,our wedding,my pregnancies, or her grandchildren - I have felt a range of emotions about this over the years, but mostly sad sometimes angry) You sound like you have a wonderful family of your own and great supportive friends, and for that you are lucky. I tell myself I'd rather have the friendly but distant relationship with MIL than have an interfering one (some PIL are complete nightmares!) don't worry too much about it though (I think uninvolved distant not particularly maternal mothers such as my MIL and yours make uninvolved distant not particularly maternal grandmothers) x

[ilovemulberry]

Thanks givemumabreak you are right. A friendly distance is good enough, maybe when baby is here she will be more interested. She already has 2 grand kids so another pregnancy probably isn't a big deal to her! I'm sure she doesn't even think anything of it.

[HDino]

Mulberry I'm going through the exact same thing with my MIL but slightly different in that we always go to see the PIL once or twice a week and have some sort of family get-together on a weekend but since the pregnancy (also due September) she has actually gone to the extent of ignoring me when we go round - has not once asked how I am etc. it's weird as she was excited at first when we announced! We've never got on particularly well but always been civil. Tbh like the others say if it was the opposite I would probably have got irritated so I'm enjoying the freedom/space at the moment!