How to get through a weekend of being stared at and discussed?(26 Posts)
Just that really. Under a lot of pressure from the in laws to see them this weekend. Id just got my head round going for a few hours and now its not just them. It's my bil, sil, nieces and family friends.
Im 35 weeks and frankly want to hide away from the world. Can't stand being around people (dh's family) who ask constant questions. Tell me how excited they are. Discuss my every move, breath, shape etc I feel self conscious enough. They all want to know names, dates, times and make an almighty fuss. It makes me feel violated and objectified.
I'm hormonal and dh's family 'want to see me'. My nieces 'want to see how their new cousin is coming along'. It makes me feel like I'm an exhibit and I'm getting so extremely overprotected of my baby I hate baby being discussed like I'm having it for the family (I know this is hormones and a bit far fetched).
I know I should just go and lump it but I don't want to. Like I said I want peace, quiet, my own space, to not be man handled and no blinking questions and opinions.
I've arranged for ds to be looked after by my sister and dad when the time comes as they will respect my wish of not telling the world I'm in labour and will not insist on visiting baby in hospital before or with ds. I want ds to be the first person to see his new brother or sister. Mil wants to be in the labour room with me . I've told her its not happening. When my sil was in labour she actually phoned the ward to find out how things were going when her son didn't answer his mobile .
If I say I'm not going but send ds and dh on there own I will be 'visited' sooner or later.
How do I do this when I'm already feeling so overprotective, hormonal, self conscious?
Sit down with your DH and list every single anticipated question, bit of advice, general comment. Give each one a score. When you hit x points your DH can give you a foot massage when you get ome, 2x points he's doing all the cleaning/ laundry/ cooking for a week, 3x etc etc.
It should help focus your DH on conversation diversion and taking some of the pressure off you.
Partially its hormones but also I agree its very invasive. I felt like an incubator at times. Like I ceased to be a person in my own right, I just existed to support the grandchild and somehow everyone feels they have a right to comment.
It is your body, it will be your labour, it will be your child. At point of labour and in the days after birth you have more of a right than anyone else to say what happens. Including your DH. He will be a joint parent but its essential you and baby time. Be firm in what you want, be clear with your DH and ensure that its in your birth plan for nothing to be discussed with people over the phone.
I get how you feel, I'm coming up to 20 weeks and I already feel like the main exhibit at the zoo around my PIL. They stare at my belly and point out where I'm putting the weight on, poke and prod my belly, calling it 'OUR bump' , discuss what I should/shouldn't be doing, eating, drinking etc and give their comments on everything! They were never bothered about making an effort with me before I fell pregnant, and as soon as I'm no longer an incubator i'm pretty sure they won't be bothered again, but for now they always 'want to see me'. It's all making me feel really over protective of the baby and I'm having nightmares of them taking over when baby is born.
Yea, so I feel your pain really hope it goes ok. My only advice would be to gently explain to DH how these things make you feel and ask for his help.
I am also 35 weeks and will be visiting DH's family an hour away over the weekend, despite also not really feeling like it. They mean well and it's not their fault I am a grumpy bumpy woman so I just intend to suck it up and smile.
I agree with previous poster about blocking the hospital from giving out info. That is too far!
god am glad that neither mine or dps folks are like this. so far anyway. im expecting that when its 'time' am going to be inundated with calls/texts so i will be turning my phone off!! fuck that. and when i actually go into labour i wont be telling anyone til after baby is out and will be keeping phone off so dp will have to field all calls.
The bingo idea made me smile at least. Its is a good idea but dh isn't gifted in the art of conversation when the going gets tough. He switches off and tends to disappear which makes it worse as I can't because I stuck with everyone.
I have bad spd as well so its not like I can make a sharpe unnoticed exit on crutches, another reason I'm so self conscious at the moment every move hurts and its just another topic of conversation for them.
How rude of me would it just to be honest and say I'm hormonal and not up to lots of people and send dh and ds. That's a cop out though isn't it?
Oh God, just don't go. Tell them you're ill/exhausted/in pain. If your husband cannot protect you from uncomfortable comments then you have to protect yourself!
I think it's perfectly fine not to go. In your position I would call my MIL and 'confide' in her about how grumpy and hormonal I was feeling - just to smooth things over - but it depends on her personality I suppose. If she's the type to think it reasonable to be in the delivery room maybe she's not the type to remember how annoying the last few weeks of pregnancy are!
If they do see you, you will get a chance to show them how stressed and uncomfortable you are. Take full advantage of your "privileged" position as a hormonal wreck to speak as sharply as you like to everyone. At their personal questions, why not try the MN classic "did you mean to be do rude?" After all, they say whatever they like to you.
Well, I'm a lot ruder than you and only had an annoying FIL (MIL was and is brilliant).
Whenever he went to touch my bump I would grab his stomach. Whenever he started to talk about personal things/ask personal questions I would ask if he was still managing to get it up at his age.
Whenever I was met wi shocked looks or people (quite rightly!) going 'WTF you on about' I would say, quite innocently, 'Oh, I thought all personal boundaries had been removed from the way FIL was going on, my mistake.'
If he ever criticised anything I did, or questioned my decisions I would say 'you know FIL, I'm pretty sure I'm the one who is pregnant and I'm equally sure OH is the father, so I'm curious as to why you think you have the right to say/question that?'
MIL thought it was hilarious (she is awesome), FIL very quickly learned to keep his mouth shut.
But again, you seem a lot nicer than me!
I'm actually in tears over this and have been for the last hour. Wish I could just get a grip and not be so sensitive about it all. Hormones truly are evil.
My last friend to have baby before me is in labour as we speak so I'm feeling wobbly enough! It's Friday night as well, the fil always phones on wed and Friday night as mil goes out. Wed i was dealing with ds who'd banged his head getting out the bath. Dh was still at work, fil phoned land line 4 times in ten minutes and then started on the mobile phones. Thankfully dh told him we were both busy and to stop being so impatient!
I feel for you; that sounds awful. Tbh, if you're nice enough to receive yor fil's phone calls twice a week then you're already tolerating a lot!
If I was you, I wouldn't go. Just say you're really tired and Ill and make Dh pretend he insisted you stay at home because he's worried.
But perhaps you are too nice for that approach ..?!
Can you go along, but after half an hr make a big show of not feeling very well and go and lie down on your own/ get Dh to drive you home?
If you don't go will it just delay it? Will they just keep at you till you do go, or worse still turn up at yours and expect to be hosted?
I think you need to be very honest with your DH and get him to defend your corner. If you can get away with not going i.e. it doesn't just delay things then don't go. If its an inevitability, keep it very short, forewarn them it needs to be a short visit.
The leaving early thing never works it will be at least 3+ hours. We would be going for tea but been told to come for 2 so they can see ds. Tea will not be served till 6 by which point ds is passed hungry and we won't get home till 8. They only live 10 miles away.
I had originally thought we would pop in tomorrow morning for coffee and come home for lunch. This felt manageable. But as you can see its a long affair when the rest of the family are there.
By 8 I will be beyond sore and it means come Monday I will have a day of not being able to move and I have to visit my mum on Monday as she's caring for my step dad can't get out the house and hasn't really seen or spoken to us in nearly 2 weeks. Unlike in laws who can be very time demanding.
I think I will tell dh he can go on Sunday for tea (not all afternoon/evening) with ds but without me or tomorrow am for coffee with all of us.
It gives me flash backs of the nightmare of daily visits for the first 3 weeks I was home with ds. That's the next think to work out.
If you really can't face it don't go!! If ever you have an excuse to pull a sickie it's now. Dont put yourself through something that's going to cause you so much stress if you aren't in the right state to cope with it. You need to put yourself first. Sending you hugs (whether they are unmumsnetty or not)
DH has told his parents they can come here for coffee in the morning. Which basically means I can 'disappear' if I need to.
They werent overly impressed but they were told we are busy and if they wanted to see us then they had to come over while we were doing jobs.
How easy is it to garden with SPD and crutches ?
Cupcake, I really do feel and share your pain. Glad you have come to a resolution with DH. It's useful to remind him that stress and anxiety caused by in laws is bad for his precious baby as well as the frickin incubator. He has got to learn to protect you and fend off his family. Don't worry about offending them - it's probably going to happen a lot from now on if they are a certain type of grandparent!
Feeling a bit better today, thanks for yesterday. Im off to hide my cards from work/post so mil can't read them all and voice her opinion (I'm from the old fashioned view that such things as post and cards are private unless invited to read, she thinks if she finds it she can read it!). Also need to hide hospital bag stuff before she starts going through bumps room and pulling things out of bags and cupboards etc.
Need to talk to dh about him taking the flack so I can disappear (appear busy).
Why did I get in laws like this?
Good luck! Hide everything in the room you're going to lie down in, so they can't nosey at it. If you need to, lie on it, like a dragon on its treasure!
I agree they are being over the top and more than a bit ridiculous. Mil in the labour room. What a nonsense!! Just opt out of this visit and make something up about being told to rest unless that will make them more of a nuisance than ever. But don't go. If they only live 10 miles away why can't you just go for an hour or two just to see them rather than the whole lot.
Good luck. I like the idea of you lying on top of a huge pile of stuff you don't want them touching.
Yes, good luck cupcake, hope you have a nice relaxing lunch after they leave! You're a saint
I was thinking get a Neon sign flashing strapped to the bump that says "Don't worry, I'll let you know when it's hatched, otherwise I don't want to talk about it!"
(I know not realistic, but thought it might amuse)
Well it went ok. Mil had bought me a present she thought I might need....bio oil! I'm still not too sure how to take this.
I sat on the sofa and hid bump behind a blanket. Might sound silly but i thought if i hid it they cant 'assess' it. We had coffee, she told me the gardens a mess . Fil moaned, the usual! They proceeded to feed ds 3 cakes even though i said one piece of cake was enough so he's been a little bleep all day! Because I was suddenly invisible. I can't win, I'm either discussed or ignored.
She said fil is waiting for the call to look after ds when it happens and they are ready to 'step into their roles'. I told her my sis is having ds and they would be told once baby was here and invited along with the other grandparents, to visit once ds had met his little brother or sister. She pulled her cats bum face .
At least it's now over with for a while! Thank you for your support.
Perhaps they ought to have had a "trial run": dealing with DS for the afternoon after all that cake!
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