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Unlikely but...

(9 Posts)
Feelingsick12 Tue 21-May-13 21:48:33

Can stress cause a miscarriage?

Am having a terrible two days with OH. Yesterday I collapsed exhausted on sofa at about 8pm (in 2nd trimester but seem to be going through a tired patch!) woke up and no sign of OH so went to find him and found him desperately trying to hide his laptop from me in the kitchen as he was looking at porn

This has been a recurring problem in our relationship as I find it unacceptable but he keeps lying about it to me. I know some are fine with it but I'm just not.

Went to bed without discussing it yesterday and then today he texted me saying he was sorry.

However he then decided to not come home from work today. Was starting to panic as he has had severe depression in the past and was worried something could have happened when he just called and said he decided to go to the pub, presumably to avoid having to talk with me.

Feel absolutely sick that all the old problems in our relationship that I thought we had got over have resurfaced and sick that he has no concern for my feelings even now I'm pregnant. And now a child is going to be dragged into this.

Don't even know what to do about him but am panicking as pregnancy book says stress can cause premature labour. I'm sure that means much more stress than my silly problems but could do with some reassurance as dont want to end up hurting my baby.

halestone Tue 21-May-13 22:19:54

I can't give you an answer about stress causing a miscarriage but i didn't want to read and not comment.

The first couple of weeks are stressful to both you and DP in pregnancy, he may just be doing these things because he's scared.

I don't know if this will help you but i write letters when i'm stressed out ad they help me clarify my feelings. Sometimes i throw them away but sometimes i pass them to DP so he can see what i'm feeling without us having a huge argument. Plus it gives him time to really think about my perspective. And i also have time to think about his.

Or could you try going out somewhere for a meal/drink/walk. Somewhere that is a neutral territory and talk about things that are bothering you. And it will also give him chance to talk about things that are bothering him.

Sorry your going through this OP and congratulations on your pregnancythanks I hope you have a lovely pregnancy.

MooMe Tue 21-May-13 22:21:34

Firstly- no, it highly unlikely that this type/amount of stress will cause a miscarriage. But do try and take it easy.

Secondly, and apologies in advance for being blunt/straightforward-

Not being the devil's advocate here, but if your OH likes porn (and {sigh} most man do), he only has two choices: lie about it, and lie about it. You don't leave him with too many options other than having to have a heart-to-heart telling off everytime he has a hearty wank indulges in watching it.
And no, he won't stop watching it. All this does is just cause him to sneak around whilst doing it, so to not hurt your feelings.

Men (and, honestly, lots of women) sometimes need to masturbate on top of having sex/relationship. It usually has nothing to do with the amount of love or passion in the relationship, and I've asked several men about this- they can't explain it rationally but mostly as a "part of their lives". Men also get stimulated visually easier.

So you have two options here:
a) fretting about it, fighting and worrying and fearing it might cause contractions or (god forbid) an early labour
Or - b) just letting go. You're not giving it confirmation or approval, you're not participating- it's his private thing which he does in private without it harming you or your relationship. Acknowledge that's what he likes to watch from time to time, and without going into the whole moral debate about women's rights or exploitation (which is a whole other issue)- unless it harms your relationship (by forcing you to do things you don't want to do in the bedroom, by cutting down on sex and intimacy with you in favour of watching it and so on)- just let it go.

Feelingsick12 Tue 21-May-13 22:25:20

That's what I can't understand though- I've been pregnant for over four months now , so happy and thought our relationship couldn't get any better and now this.

Really could do without new reasons for anxiety and nausea!

Feelingsick12 Tue 21-May-13 22:34:26

I completely understand your points Moome as I know most people feel like that about porn but unfortunately I do feel strongly about it due to the moral reasons as well as other personal reasons and because of the lies and deceit that are damaging our relationship. Masturbation on its own is not an issue- what he watches online is.

I actually gave him a third option which was to walk away from our rekationship when this came up last year as I know other people have different views on this to me even though for me it is a big issue but he promised he would stop to stay together and instead lies directly to my face.

It's the lying that makes me sick tbh and now the worry of early contractions as well.

MooMe Tue 21-May-13 22:45:04

I completely see your point, but can't you see the reason he's lying is because he sees how badly you react to it?

continuing on the being blunt approach (and again, apologies)-
If you are thinking of breaking up an otherwise loving relationship with the father of your unborn child because he happens to like watching porn (and I am not belittling what you're saying, just putting it in another light), then I guess there's not much point in me trying to tell you otherwise- I just think it's such a massive shame it needs to come to ultimatums and him having to lie to you just so you don't kick him to the curb.

Once again, you are holding all the reins here- telling him what he can and can't do in his private "me time" (ie- masturbation- again, this is his thing, not yours, and has nothing to do with your sex lives, and if it does- ie- if he makes you do stuff you don't want to do as a result that's a whole other issue)- and to be very honest, I think it's just a little unfair.

I wish you lots of good health, and a healthy and long pregnancy. thanks

Feelingsick12 Tue 21-May-13 23:14:13

No problems with the honesty MooMe but all I will say it does affect our sex life and emotional relationship- whether that is all because of my 'issues' with it or not, it does and before there was a child involved I was ready to walk away from the relationship to find someone who understood that, even though I love him deeply. I wanted to walk away because every time it hurts me to the core.

Of course now there is a child involved (I hope-having a bit of a difficult pregnancy) it is completely different and I would not break up the family unless things degenerated further.

MisselthwaiteManor Wed 22-May-13 05:59:56

I've had a couple of very stressful episodes during this pregnancy, I won't go into detail but at about 14 weeks a terrible accident in the family and at about 6 months a huge issue with DH where he essentially walked out on me for a couple days. This happened after he had done something he had used to do in the past (not porn or cheating but something that I had previously said its me or your problem, choose!) I think the stress and shock of pregnancy takes more of a toll on a father than we realise and I'm really not making excuses for your DH (I feel the same way as you about porn and I would be furious in your position) but perhaps it was a one off and his head just wasn't in the right place? It doesn't mean he doesn't care about you or the baby, I know how you're feeling though, it's like a double betrayal because you're not just one person anymore.

Anyway after that essay what I'm trying to say is I've had some stress and my baby is still there and doing well, so please don't worry. I think when you read about stress causing labour it's meaning something massive like a life or death situation.

Rockchick1984 Wed 22-May-13 09:16:04

I had stress and antenatal depression while pregnant. Spoke to multiple health professionals and all agreed that stress when full term may cause early labour it's very rare, and no evidence to say stress in early pregnancy contributes to miscarriage risks.

Regarding watching porn - I am happy for my DH to masturbate however I wouldn't be happy with him watching porn so I don't think you are doing anything wrong! Moo it may be something you're comfortable with however I wouldn't be. The OP isn't saying she wants to leave due to him watching porn, it's the lying that could cause the end of the relationship. It doesn't matter what the deception is over, if he wasn't planning on stopping watching he should have been honest about it.

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